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Everyday I feel that I don't belong into this world more

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Everyday I feel that I don't belong into this world more and more. I don't know how to talk to people, I don't know how to fit in. I'm at college, currently at a big flat with nine people, I don't know how they see me, but I guess they accept me. My most favorite place is at this bar. I can just sit there on my barstool, drink my beer, cigarettes and joints. I'm friends with everyone in there too, I guess that the bartenders are even my better friends than the people from my flat. I'm at home currently, I don't get along with my parents much. They are nice, but I don't know what to talk about with them. Since I was thirteen I talked about three hours worth of time with my father. My mother tries to communicate with me but she's bad at it and I don't help it much. Only person I was ever comfortable with is my lesbian friend. She loves me as a brother, I love her as someone who I want to be with. I have to cut contacts with her, our relationship is killing me while keeping me alive.

This post is confused.

I wanted to kill myself several times this week. Was drinking like crazy, two days in a row. I just can't handle this without alcohol or drugs. I don't see point in anything, nothing fulfills me, I tried doing many things, nothing meant anything to me. No psychiatrist confirmed this to me but I think that I have some sort of bipolar mental disorder. One day I wake up and I'm all happy, the other I don't even want to get out of the bed. Mood changes over the day too, yesterday it was all nice, than at the late afternoon I just wanted to cry.

I'm a fucking mess and I don't know what to do. Help me /adv/?
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>>18020201
dude you need go to therapy seriously man, these problems go deep into your subconscious by the sounds of it. Not to get a diagnoses or anything like that [getting one would be beneficial] but someone outside of your circle of existence who will actually help you. If your therapist is shit go get another referral. As for the lesbian friend before cutting contact at least tell her how you feel so she knows why you cant talk to her and shit, dont ostracize yourself or her for how each of your hearts sing.
As for my takes on family, pic related
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Focus on going to the gym (or something u will enjoy), choose to workout instead of going to the bar, once a week to start, if you get fit and u still want to kill yourself, then do it, its hard to start i know, but its really worth as a last chance to be happy
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>>18020214
I don't know if I'll be able to really cut contacts with the friend. She's the only person I care about. Only person I ever honestly cared about. It's already empty as it is and when I will erase her from my life there will be nothing for me left. She's seriously the only source of joy I have in my life.
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>>18020214
Therapy doesn't do shit except teach you to blame your parents for your actions. I've been to multiple therapists, and they're not worth shit.

What he really needs to do is ride these feelings out without self-destructing. The feeling of relief and accomplishment that comes by persevering through dark times is worth it. It's like taking a full bath of fresh air, not knowing how strangled you've been the whole time
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>>18020236
It all started wrong when I had depression as a teen. I found an escape in cutting myself, on my shoulders so noone could see that. I did that for a year. That was after I was all done with all the benzos I found around my house. I've tried many ways to escape these feelings, but how can I do it without selfdestructing? I feel that the pain is way too heavy and it's all gone in a few drinks.

I'm 21 and I know that this sounds like I'll be an alcoholic before I reach 25, but what should I do? I'm not strong enough to stand against the shitstorm that is in my brain on my own.
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>>18020236
I disagree, not with that therapy didn't help you but everything else. I jumped from therapist to therapist and found one that explained that there isn't something wrong with me, the self loathing, dissonance, consistent hatred towards fellow man and wanting to explore cruelty was my serotonin receptors unable to hold and pass serotonin properly resulting in this small phases of contentment to a massive decline randomly and even more during any type of negative interaction.

some people can ride it out others cant, I couldn't, resuscitated by paramedics twice.
>just let me die please

when you have other debilitating illnesses you dont just ride it out like a cold. You seek treatment, why would a sick brain be any different.

till i found a good therapist that actually helped. I literally said it might not help, hence the word "seek" you need to seek help.

p.s havnt been to my shrink in over a year now, stopped ssris 6 months ago and things are still pretty crappy but better, livable there are more good days then bad and thats good enough for me to continue moving forward.

but look anon, you can do whatever the fuck you want, your body is the only true tool you will ever own.
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>>18020280
Don't be a pussy.
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>>18020355
These guys are right, get a therapist.
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>>18020850
I guess I should do this, but I probably won't as I know myself. I don't even have the money for one in the first place.

The main problem is that I've got so much of shit in my head that nobody knows of. The only person who knows me a bit more than anybody else is that gay friend of mine. I just can't open up to anyone, not to my parents, not to my friends, it just keeps boiling inside. That's why I get wasted all the time. That's why I'm posting this on /adv/ I guess.
Thread posts: 10
Thread images: 3


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