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Alcohol is destroying me

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After being sober for almost 4 weeks I relapsed.

I'm 27 and recently got back into school. I'm doing fairly well in all my classes and have a 3.67 GPA at the moment. I started drinking in high school because it helped with my anxiety and I could actually socialize with people without turning into a stuttering mess. I pretty much have no friends now because of my alcohol problem. Every job I've ever had I've lost due to my drinking.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I know that every time I drink I'm going to do something stupid that I'm going to regret as soon as I sober up. I seriously think I'm insane.

I don't know what to do. If I don't drink I'm constantly overwhelmed with social anxiety. If I do drink I feel good, but I'm essentially digging my own grave. I don't necessarily expect to get any life changing advice here, I just want to get it off my chest. I really don't have anyone to talk to about this.

So, it's one in the morning now and I'm still drinking my poison of choice (cheap vodka) and I really just need to talk to someone I guess.
27 here too
I'm also a drunk

I'm trying to beat it
I only started around 3 years ago
I've been trying to beat it since I started.

For me it's just about being bored
When I'm drunk, everything is enjoyable and tolerable
When I'm sober, everything is dull and tedious
What the fuck do you think I choose?

I usually go one day on and one day off.
Sometimes more than a few between

Booze is expensive here, so I need to be conservative
Is it just to give you confidence or is it because you were molested growing up?
Have you started having the hungover fever dreams yet?
Pretty sure I was never molested.

It just helps with my anxiety. I feel like a totally different person.
A bit
I wouldn't call them "fever dreams"
But the night after I drink and I force myself to be sober, my dreams are always vivid
They're always about things I want.
With women, careers, success
I'm happy in my dreams

Haven't ever gotten DTs. I guess that means I'm still not technically an alcoholic yet.

4 weeks is not a bad start at all.

its never too late to try again, anon.

put it down and go grab some water.

Examine why you want to stop, again. If you still feel that they are good reasons, then try again.
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If it's just anxiety, then you've got to see a professional who will give you the drug that fits. It's tough, and I am so distrusting of docs and drugs, and you may have to go through a half dozen to find the right one, because it is a crapshoot, but there is one out there with a perfect balance. But since you tend to keep drinking until you do some stupid shit, knowing you will makes me think you have a deeper problem, which would also require therapy.
I am a bored drunk too. It started when i married young. He was in the military, and so I waited out the 30day to 10monthdrags drinking, watching tv/movies and 4channing. When he came home he worked nights for 3 years, so during that time I would just Netflix and chill by my lonesome withThe rum.
I don't start drinking until after the kids are in bed, and when I quit there's no shakes or anything, it's just such an engrained habit. Spouse don't mind, because it means he always gets laid. It's a win/win for him.
But it's expensive, and it makes my mornings less efficient, so I have been staying dry on weekdays. I have found adding structure helps a lot. I have 4 or 5 alarms set on my phone each day to keep me in line. This helps a lot.
>I have found adding structure helps a lot.
Yeah me too
I've been going to the gym with my friends for about a year now
If I drink too frequently, I can't go to the gym
So I don't, so I can

But, shit, those sober days feel 10,000 years long
>It's 10 o'clock
>Nothing is on TV
>Everyone is in bed
>Hours before sleep comes
>Sitting in couch just waiting
That's Hell if I've known it
I got prescribed Zoloft for my anxiety and I hated it. I've been off of it for 16 months now. Alcohol never had this effect on me prior to the Zoloft.
I don't even get hungover anymore. I just get this bizarre numbness after a drinking binge. The dreams are the worst, I wouldn't even call them nightmares just very vivid and unsettling. Then there's the auditory hallucinations, I'll almost be asleep and suddenly there's a bang on my door or window. The last time I dreamed there was something above me on my ceiling watching me. It was terrifying because it was so real.
I have added a lot of structure in little incrients. Reading tie one hour a day, maadatory music time 1-2 ties weekly (we are a fair of musicians), dance hour one or two ties a week. I live down the block from a Buddhist temple and have enrolled in free meditation classes. I have correlated mandatory reading time, so that once it's over I know it's time to make dinner, and timed that so that once dinner is set we can watch my favorite show, and directly after that another show the senpai can enjoy, and then it's kiddos bed time.

I have found the more I structure my day, even in small ways, the quicker it passes. I get gas on Tuesdays, we go to the library for story time on Wednesdays. Park on Thursdays, on Fridays we go to target to buy diapers and beer. Monday's laundry.

Every little tiny way you can structure your week, will move your life along like a cog in the machine. Especially reading time. Having quiet reading hour once every single day has had an unbelievable positive effect on the whole family. Comic books encouraged
I get all what you're saying and I believe all of it
On my sober days, I go to bed 2 hours before sleep time and read the entire time
Often I want to read more.
I'm a good reader.

But if my sober days stretch on too long...
That old black dog comes barking
And then it doesn't feel like I'm adding structure but rather just putting off what I know is coming.

I have a career coming up in a few months. I swear to myself it is. It's a military career. Can't drink during that.
Surely I'll be too busy with real shit to want to wander.

I swear to myself I don't have a drinking problem, I just have a life problem.
Solve my life, get rid of the booze.
I don't get auditory shit, but I get visual hallucinations

When I'm on the boundary of sleep, if I open my eyes, I see spiders
Not fucking joking
When I'm half-asleep, I see like balls of yarn moving around my bed.
They look like spiders

Every few days I'll be too close to sleep to remember they're not real and jump out of bed thinking I got a spider in there.

They're always bright red but I don't always remember that foot wide red spiders don't exist where I am.

I'm not even really afraid of spiders. Just when I'm in that half-asleep zone that my brain becomes obsessed with them

And yeah, that numbness the day after.
Rings true for me.
People say hungovers are headaches and aversion to light and noises.
But for me it's just a slowness and a reluctance to do anything real
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I totally totally get it.
You ever walk, or run? Maybe try inserting a walk before your reading time. Walk to someplace nice, and then read a bit before heading back home?
Maybe you're one of those people who was meant to be a super effective person. Like a CEO, or a business owner who would have only been able to sleep 5 hours a day. But you find yourself with free time, and a thirst for hard spirits?
I think in another life I would have been... a Mad Men, but now I have to find a way to settle effectively into domestic bliss. I need to got my real estate license is what it is.
In another life, I coulda been a contender.
That's gonna be my fucking epitaph there.

But yeah, here I am, with this life. Just waiting till something happens.

As for walking, good idea, like it, but it's fucking COLD ass fuck now.
In the summer, I like jogging.
Can't jog while hungover, so that promotes at least 2 days between drinking.
But yeah, it feels good.


That is important, but that's a symptom expressing itself.

Alcohol alters your state of mind and influences how you see the world and what you decide to do in it.

the problem that must be grasped with addiction is that there is a logical/rational disconnect between cause and effect in people who are addicted.

the altering state alcohol brings does have positive feeling for many, but there is a consequence.

addiction can be managed, but the best thing to have in your psychological tool box is to rebuild your cause and effect, your choice and consequence, around the idea that its not worth it.

i'm no doctor, but this has been the frame of mind that i've seen in an addict that tends to be the most effective in assuring long term success.

so ye, manage your free time effectively if for no other reason than to keep you sober longer so you can think about the problem rationally for as long as you can. Because you definitely can't think about the problem objectively while you're wasted.
If it's too cold to walk, the just walk faster!! How far would you have to walk to buy a bottle? Got any museums or galleries around?farmers markets? Antique shops?
Feed your head, as the white rabbit once said.
I find sitting in front of the courthouse and watching the hobos gives me a good few pages of scribbles.
Idles hands... Etc etc.
Sometimes, I just feel like it's too late. Why quit and put myself through the delirium tremens when I am probably just going to die of kidney failure and/or cirrhosis of the liver? I have a really hard time even trying to justify quitting
Go to your college's Health Service or Student Clinic or whatever the doctor's office is called, and ask them for help. You will be surprised how UN-surprised they are - You are most certainly not the only alcoholic student at your school, and they will have a program or treatment or counseling all ready to offer you.
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