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My boyfriend doesn't want kids. I do. Everything else is

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My boyfriend doesn't want kids. I do.
Everything else is absolutely perfect. He is very attractive, smart, witty, shares a lot of my interests, kind and loves me a lot. We've been together for 3 years and we are ridiculously happy.

Should we break up? How do you bring yourself to break up with a guy who is your ideal in almost every way?
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>>18012170

i wouldn't worry about it yet. you're happy and enjoying life, so unless you need kids right this fucking minute, you might as well wait. even if he doesn't change, you'll at least enjoy waht you ahve while it lasts. its bound to end at some point. if not from something else than eventually this kids issue will reach a breaking point.
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>>18012170
If you are ridiculously happy, then stay together and don't have kids.
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>>18012170
>How do you bring yourself to break up with a guy who is your ideal in almost every way?

By realizing "almost" is not enough.

Kids are not something you can compromise on. The person who doesn't want them, even if they give in to your request, will never be the kind of parent you want them to be, because deep down they didn't want them. It's unfair to you, your kids and your partner.

You need to have one final, long conversation about this with him. Find out every reason why he doesn't want kids. Talk about those reasons, and see if there's a chance he will want them later. For example, if his issue is that he wants to own a home and be married for 5 years first, that's easy. You can work through that. If his reason is that he hates kids and kids suck and he simply doesn't want anything to do with them, that's not something that is likely to change.

After that conversation, it's up to you to know whether he will eventually come around and have them with you, or if there's no chance. In which case, it's time to leave.
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What? Why would you give up your happiness for kids? I understand that you want kids, but why would you ditch someone who's practically your happiness manifested? Live a happy life.
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>>18012182
Also, he's got the right idea.
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If not having kids is a dealbreaker to you, you need to break up. This is the sort of issue that should've been discussed early in the relationship before you've invested so much time and emotion into someone. If neither of you can compromise on this, you will never truly be happy and you might begin to resent the other person.
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Not OP, but I really don't understand does one live life with the person you'll never have future with. What is it like seeing that face and knowing that the day of breaking up is closer everyday?
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>>18012186
>inconsequential

You are actually retarded and have no business giving advice to anyone.
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>>18012189
This. If you don't break up either you'll wind up having kids and he'll be miserable (and probably leave you) OR you'll never have kids and you'll be miserable (and probably leave him). He's fucking telling you, straight up, that he doesn't want kids. That's not going to change.
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>>18012170
No one here can tell you if that's a dealbreaker for you, OP.

And I think you kind of know that.
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>>18012182
Awful inaccurate post and you clearly don't have any kids or are just a cold person.

If you don't want kids but end up having one anyways, it will be a little depressing until it's here and you start to raise it. Something changes and you start to love what you've created....unless you're just a cold shadow human being
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>>18012203
Context matters faggot.

If OP and her bf are younger (which is likely here), this issue IS inconsequential and it's typical of women to project their future stability on males who may or may not be in the correct mindset or time in their life to commit to children.
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>>18012199

by being grateful for what you ahve and realizing that life isn't just tricking you into thinking its not a disney fairytale. it really isn't, so when you're happy and enjoy someoen you do so knowing that it doesn't last forever.
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>>18012177
Why staying with someone if we are bound to break up?

>>18012178
>>18012184

I do want kids. I have always wanted to be a mother, I don't want anything more than that.
I even think that the fact that I'm so motherly and loving is a huge part of why he is so happy with me, and he never managed to stay in a relationship before.

Plus, I fear that if I don't have kids just for him I'll grow to resent him. Or if he dies or we break up and I end up alone, I'll hate the shit out of him and myself for giving up to the idea of having kids for him.

>>18012182
He had a terrible childhood. Abusive mother, dead father - left him with a bunch of mental issues, that he manages well but, you know. He is terrified of "ruining" them.
I don't think he dislikes kids, when I used to babysit he seemed to enjoy spending time with them.

>>18012186
How is this inconsequential?

I am 24, he's 29.

>>18012189
We never discussed about the future seriously. When we joked about it, we always mentioned having kids.
I am going to buy a house soon and I want to move in together, and when I mentioned that I wanted to buy one that had enough room for the kids he freaked out.
You're right about the rest.

>>18012313
I know it is a dealbreaker for me.
I don't want it to be, tho.
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>>18012358
We don't even know if OP and her bf live together. How old they are. etc. etc.

Also,
>attractive, smart, witty, shares a lot of my interests, kind and loves me a lot.

does not sound like a description someone with maturity would describe their partner after a relationship of 3 years considering children would be.

get real /adv/
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>>18012170

Try to compromise down to ONE kid.

If that don't work, pull the plug.
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>>18012170
>Should we break up?

We can't tell you that. That's your choice. You should say how important it is for you.

> How do you bring yourself to break up with a guy who is your ideal in almost every way?

If kids are so important, the rest doesn't matter, does it? But again, your choice.
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>>18012380
I'd be perfectly happy with one kid, I care about having kids more than the number.
He just doesn't want them.

>>18012387
Kids are very important. I don't want them now, but I know I'll eventually do.

Breaking up with someone you're very happy with isn't exactly easy. No matter how logically justifiable it might be, emotionally it feels awful.

>>18012373
Heh, I realise. I didn't want to write two paragraphs about how amazing he is, how great our relationship has always been, or stuff like that. Sounds a bit reductive now that I read it.
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>>18012397
I just notice that not once have you given any insight or explanation as to why your boyfriend has expressed an unwillingness to have children. He "just doesn't want too."

Having children is not about just wanting them.

You need to seriously consider the implications a child would have on a 29 year old man and why those things may be deterring him from the idea of them.

>living status
>financial security
>emotional / psychological maturity
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>>18012397
>Breaking up with someone you're very happy with isn't exactly easy. No matter how logically justifiable it might be, emotionally it feels awful.

Of course, but if you are already considering it, focus on the reasons WHY you would do it. You are gonna cry and it's gonna hurt, of-fucking-course.

You are 24, so you have time to meet someone else. If the future has become such a concern, then you can start working towards making it the future you want.
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>>18012367
It's obvious it's a deal breaker for you, and that's ok, you can't help feel the way you do.

My cousin is currently on the brink of divorce after being with his wife for almost 15 years. He wants kids and she didn't, she absolutely hates them. He thought he could deal with it and just be with her. He's almost 40 and is about to start over again. If all you've ever wanted is to be a mother, that's by going to change and you will end up resenting him for it.
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>>18012406
I did. Here:
>He had a terrible childhood. Abusive mother, dead father - left him with a bunch of mental issues, that he manages well but, you know. He is terrified of "ruining" them.

We both have a good job. I own a flat and we live there together, we were thinking of buying a bigger place in the next 2-3 years. No debt. We both have a lot of money saved.
I am pretty stable emotionally and psychologically, he has a pretty rough past but managed it pretty well. He had a couple of bad months since we got together, but nothing impossible to manage.

I also don't want kids tomorrow, but I will eventually want a family them in the next few years.

>>18012407
I don't think that I can meet a guy half as good as him, or have a relationship as good as ours. He's truly ideal for me in every aspect.
We basically have been living together since the day we met because we just couldn't stop being around each other.
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>>18012424
>He's truly ideal for me in every aspect.

Do you want kids now? Could you imagine living without kids?
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>>18012431
No, in 3-5 years.
I could, but I'm scared I grow to resent him. I don't want to be the kind of woman who hates her partner because he didn't give her the life she expected.
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>>18012443
sounds like you need to break up
there are some things that can't be compromised on without ruining the relationship and kids are one of them
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>>18012443
>I don't want to be the kind of woman who hates her partner because he didn't give her the life she expected.

That's your answer. That's how important kids are for you. Is that enough for you to break up? Or would you be willing to risk it? Would he wait a few years and answer the question again? Would you wait too?

Know that here will always be doubts about the future. There will always be risks. Life is deciding which ones to take and when to say "I won't compromise". Good luck, truly.
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>>18012170
Don't be a toxic tina. Break up with him and let him be babyless
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>>18012456
waiting for her bf to change his mind about kids is a terrible idea. what's going to happen is either 1.) he doesn't, and she wastes another 5 of her fertile years or 2. he caves and resents her for the rest of their lives, kids suffer because father didn't want them

if you think someday he's going to spring up and go "I WAS WRONG THE WHOLE TIME, I SURE WANT BUNDLES OF JOY" you're crazy
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>>18012463
I am not nagging him or asking him to make me pregnant three times a day. Doing nothing "toxic".

>>18012456
>>18012455
It just fucking sucks.
I love this guy, I truly do. He's such an amazing person in every way I can think of.
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>>18012466

To young people a kid is terrifying, but after getting more comfortable economically and emotionally they might change their minds. Nothing wrong with not wanting kids, but most people in their early teens don't really think bout it that much.

He is older though, so he might be more set in his ways. OP might change her mind later. She could also hate him forever. She could also leave him and then discover he had kids 5 years down the road with another person. Etc.

That's the point of the risk. That's the choice she has to make. Nothing will leave her guilt free. This is a pivotal moment in both their lives. And believe me, a guy in his thirties dating a girl under 25 is not that mature. He is more akin to a 20-something that to an almost-30. He could change his mind. He also could not. That's why OP has to pick, not us. It's her life.
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>>18012592
if he's made it to 30 while being a manchild nothing will change that

but it is her choice, i'm just saying don't have hope he'll change his mind. because then it will become an expectation - seeing as she wants kids badly
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It is absolutely fucking retarded to be with someone that doesn't want kids when you want them. If he doesn't WANT them, he isn't going to be a very good parent. Would you want a reluctant father trapped with an oops baby or a devoted, enthusiastic father?

You've got to break up. The sooner you break up, the sooner you can recover and meet the guy that will give you the family you desire.

YOU CAN NOT COMPROMISE ON CHILDREN EVER.
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>>18012170
I had this situation, I broke up.

I'm a bit older than this board generally is (30) and at this point I'm not taking a "ooohh you'll see in a few years attitude". Nope.

I won't lie, it was hard. But I thought the pain of the break up weighed against all the pain of never getting to be a mom.
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It seems to me like you have a few more years ahead of you before this is really a crucial decision, but I get it. I don't want kids (at least not at the moment), and I'm 30. The financial commitment and time commitment is too much for me, and I don't see the benefit.

That said, this seems like something you're very passionate about and very committed to. Can you give it another year? Assess your financial situation? Assess how well the relationship is still going? I mean, you don't even live together yet... maybe give it a year of cohabitation and see how the relationship is going in that particular case.

Living with someone can really shake the landscape and make things drastically different.
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>>18012357
This is just not true. Look at the amount of parents who hate their kids and don't even try to hide it. The amount of people who resent their kids secretly is way bigger. Having a kid with someone hoping that they'll come to love their kids is a horrible idea, because even though they might come to love them, they'll hold that resentment for them for the rest of their lives, and in turn hold a resentment to you for putting them in that situation. This is partly why so many parents get divorced.
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>>18012884

I agree. The meme that exists on here that everyone "learns to love" their kids is absolutely ridiculous. There wouldn't be a shitload of single moms or kids that live in foster care if this were true.

4chan never really comes up with any GOOD reasons to have kids, besides having someone to look after you when you're dying.
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>>18012170
if having kids is the only thing you want from him then find someone else. if you cant be happy just the two of you, you wont last a lifetime. if thats truly what you want stop wasting his time and your time and break up. its really too bad
Thread posts: 38
Thread images: 1


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