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I think my marriage was a mistake

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My husband is now changing what he thinks my role in the relationship should be. Initially, we agreed that we'd both have careers, get more stable and then discuss who will do what, and whether we can have some sort of balance as we go into the 'children' phase of the relationship. I've never been keen on being a homemaker, as I doubt I would find it fulfilling and love my work and other parts of my life.

Ideally, I would want some kind of half and half thing, and both of our workplaces are pretty flexible.

But lately, my partner has been very 'tradition' focused, and has started asking when we're going to have kids and when I'm going to quit my job and the like. Our salaries are on a par, so its not like he's earning any more than me.

Whenever I try to say that that is not what I want, he just gets dismissive or angry, and won't talk to me. He is having none of the measured discussions he SAID he would, while we were getting serious.

He's also becoming more lazy around the house, and won't do many chores, and we're both working full time so it's exhausting to have to do everything. I ask him, and he says he will, but it doesn't get done so I have to do it.


TL:DR My husband is suddenly deciding I have to be his good little housewife and won't negotiate, and I'm starting to doubt my marriage.
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Having a panick attack just reading it.. im so sorry for you. Hope yall fix it..
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>>18010132

Try to get some professional help if he's willing... if he's not...

Well it's better that you find that out now and be able to respond, rather than when you've had a child and your choices are no longer JUST about you two.

Children are awesome, but you DO NOT want to be trapped 12-18+ years in to a relationship with a partner that isn't willing to work with you.
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>>18010151
Thanks. It's just the change that is so awful. He said he wasn't like this, and we did the sensible thing and discussed all this stuff BEFORE marriage.
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>>18010156
Yeah. I'm still on the pill (and take it religiously, so unless a freak accident occurs, there's little danger of that happening.
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>>18010132
how long were u married for so far?
Also were there any indications of his idea of what a wife should be vs what a gf can be?
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>>18010172
We're kind of recently married. Only a year and a bit.

There were no indicators before the wedding (and I'm usually pretty perceptive. Also none of my friends or mother noticed anything), but it's crept up gradually since.
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Does anyone have advice?
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Sit down with him. Tell him firmly but kindly that you're never quitting your job and kids are out of the question until he starts pulling his weight around the house. If he gets dismissive or angry again, get into couples counseling like the other anon suggested. If he refuses, consider positing an ultimatum of counseling or separation.
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>>18010204
you're going to have to talk to him. there's nothing you can do other than explicitly stating your expectations and why what's happening now is unacceptable.
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>>18010178
Simple, get divorced. Do you really want to spend 50+ years with someone like this? You clearly never actually knew him, since he most likely always held these beliefs, and thought you would jump on board at some point.
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>>18010222
This... dont want to start now on a slippery slope that is only going to get worse. Try counciling, and you might end up agreeing to stay with changes... or agree that you are never going to agree and have to split. You cant know without talking.
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>>18010222
>>18010224
I have talked to him. I'm no wilted flower. I can be assertive if I have to, and I'm not a subordinate. I believe in both being equals in a partnership. I want mutual respect in a relationship, and I expect it.

But he honestly refuses to talk to me. He just gets furiously angry about being questioned, and once even said I "wasn't a proper woman". He's just shy of saying I need to know my place to be honest.
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>>18010229
I just don't understand why he'd lie or date me at all if that were the case; there are plenty of women who'd love to not work.
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>>18010240
How did u end up with this man?
Is he religious?
He needs to grow up and talk about things.
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I think this is a LARP
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>>18010204

Seriously talk to him.

Sit him down.

Tell him you're not being emotional, hysterical, dramatic, but in all seriousness this will determine whether your marriage will or will not work.

You both walked in with certain expectations, you both made promises to be certain types of people. However people change, that is a truth and you understand that, but it's not fair for him to do that so one-sidedly for BOTH OF YOU, and he OWES you a conversation about what's going on.

That's part of what being married means.

If he doesn't want to do that, he's not being the husband who he promised to be.


I'm sorry anon, but you may have to brace yourself to go your seperate ways, because this is a MAJOR life decision. This is the kind of life decision that, if you're not both on the same page, breeds deep seeded resentment that lasts DECADES and is basically impossible to reconcile.
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>>18010251
>LARP
ahahahahahahaha Who wants to play the husband? the MIL?
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>>18010247
We met at uni, and he was mostly similar to me, or, as I said, he SAID he felt the same way about all of this as I did.

We connected over books and films and travel, you know, typical relationship things, and stayed together ever since.

He was raised in a religious household, but is no longer practicing or believing. His family was quite traditional, but he told me he didn't want that, overtly.

It is possible that, because I was not interested in the hookup culture of university, he thought I was more conservative than I am? But for me, it was just a matter of self respect.
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>>18010240
Sounds like it's time to posit the ultimatum then. If he blows up about it or refuses to go, look into separation and see if that cools his head with time.
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>>18010132
On the bright side, you haven't really committed yet so if you can't convince him to stop being cancer, there's always divorce
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>>18010271

I also don't want the stigma of being a divorcee. How am I going to find another relationship?
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>>18010280
Who the fuck cares? Being single will be better than being stuck in the hell your husband apparently wants to trap you in.
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>>18010293
Very true. I guess I'm just a bit of a romantic, and like the life partner ideal.
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>>18010280
Not as much baggage tho if u are childless, people dont care so much now days.
Better than a marriage that doesnt work.
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>>18010242
>thought you would jump on board at some point
That's why. He was most likely 100% sure of this, but ended up being wrong
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>>18010297
I suppose. Thanks.
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>>18010310
If that's the case, how do I ensure I don't give off these vibes in the future?
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>>18010280
You could always just separate rather than jump straight into divorce. Maybe then he'll actually get his head straight and change back into the guy you once loved. If not, then divorce is probably inevitable and I doubt most guys would really care.
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I think one of the real issues is, I don't know if I love him anymore. The 'honeymoon' period was marred with this shit, and now I'm overworked and exhausted most of the time because I have to do everything, while he sits on his ass and orders me around. It's making me angry and depressed, and I really don't know if I can take it much longer. But I feel wrong for starting to fall out of love so quickly, especially as I am a pretty big romantic.
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How long did you even date before this?
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>>18010369
We met as 19 year olds, clicked and dated for about 5 years.
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>>18010364
If he did change back to the guy who wasn't a traditionalist asshole, do you think you could love him again?
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>>18010379
I honestly don't know. I mean, how do I know which is the 'real one' anymore, even if he did change back? I don't know what is genuine any longer. It's all so confusing.
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>>18010392
Maybe I was wrong and jumping straight into divorce is a viable option. If your relationship with him is this damaged, I'm not sure what could mend it. I don't think any of us anons could tell you whether or not you should give him that one last chance, that's for what's in your heart to decide, but I doubt it would do anything at this point but prolong the inevitable.
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Sounds like he doesn't really respect you anymore. Divorce sucks and yes, you'll have to mark divorced on forms until (or if) you get remarried. OP, your story reminds me a lot of myself. I always intended on working and having 50/50. Eventually, he started telling me to quit my job and stay home. He didn't want to clean, and I had to do all household chores. One day he brought home a dog and guess who had to housebreak it and clean up after it. Eventually, he would get angry when I went to see my friends, so I stopped. Then he told me I didn't really "need" my family, he was all the family I needed.

It's really up to you, just make a backup plan. If you want to save your marriage because the stigma of divorce is too much for you, then try marriage counselling. He sounds like an asshole though
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>>18010460
your story is slightly scary - a cautionary tale.
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>>18010488
Agreed.
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>>18010262
Ah the old bait and switch. Men will say anything to get you to go along until they feel like you won't be able to leave. Divorce him and don't look back. he comes from this tradition and this is what he wants and who he is. you're not going to be able to change him.
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>>18010280
The sooner you get the divorce, the more time you will have for finding another. Do it, yesterday you said tomorrow
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>>18010364
You didn't "fall out of love quickly". It is him who stopped being the person you fell in love. Because that person never existed in the first place. It was just a facade he created to try and trap you
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So I guess the consensus is basically an ultimatum and then be prepared for divorce.

It's sad. I really believed in this...
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>>18010132
What's the problem again?no work, house chores are easy af, get to spend quality time with kids, and you still love your husband right? Just take the out lady.
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>>18010132
Well for one, dont give into his bullshit. Then, see a couples therapist. If you dont have time for that, preempt his bullshit by leaving him desu. You sound young. Just dont mention your marriage on your dating profile.
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>>18010657
I like my work. I don't want to be financially beholden to my partner, particularly as this change in personality proves he's not trustworthy. This change in attitude has me questioning my love, as he's no longer the man I married.

I also do not believe I would find the life of a housewife very fulfilling. I do not judge those who choose it; more power to them. It's just not for me. I want to be successful as well.
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>>18010649
If you believe in it so much, then go to a professional marriage counselor. If he absolutely refuses to go, then you can go alone to help sort out your issues.
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>>18010710
My mother already suggested that, and he flat out refused. While she was there. It was quite rude.
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>>18010718
Seems like it's time to kick him to the curb.
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>>18010657
Not everyone wants that.
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Thank you so much for posting, OP, and thanks everyone for a great set of responses. This has been really helpful to read as someone in a similar boat. Try direct, calm communication, but if it's broken, get separated or divorced now so that you have the time to find someone else if you want children. All the best to you in this difficult time!
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>>18010132
>me
>me
>i want
>fullfilling
>i love
>i want
>me
>me

If that's all you care about just don't have fucking kids? God damn.
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>>18011009
I want children. I just want them with someone who also respects me as a person, and doesn't dictate the entire relationship.

Also, it's asking for advice about myself and one other. You try explaining it without using personal pronouns.
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>>18011008
Thank you. I hope you find your way through whatever your situation is, and best of luck.

Like I said, we were together for five years from 19, and I'm 26. It's not too late I suppose.
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>>18011022
What I'm saying is your kids don't wanna be dumped in a god damn daycare because their mom wants to be "fulfilled" I'm not gonna degrade your line of work, but somehow, I think raising happy, well adjusted human beings should take precedence over whatever you do to pay the bills. You're probably not curing cancer, so take 5-7 years out of your life and raise your kids right. They'll respect you more for that than doing whatever work you do. My dad made well over six figures and had multiple rental properties. I literally didn't give a shit. I liked it when we spent time together and went fishing, and threw the football.
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>>18011025
Well, ideally I'd go part time with my partner, which as I said both workplaces are flexible. That way we'd both have time with the kids and both work.
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>>18011025
Also, why can't it be the man who makes the sacrifice? Why is my career less important?
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>>18011032
Because that poster thinks you're an inferior weak woman who doesn't deserve anything but popping out babies and being subordinate to your abusive husband.
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>>18011023

26 is far from late. I only met my wife when I was 31
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>>18011032
>Also, why can't it be the man who makes the sacrifice? Why is my career less important?
It can. But you're going to need to find a compatible partner that's more than willing to do that. But not many men enjoy feeling emasculated and not too many women enjoy leading the relationship. Because of biology, it can mentally tear relationships apart.
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>>18010132
Grow up and have kids. You're the only one who can have them and children need a mother at home. Why would you get married if you didn't want to do what the whole point of a marriage is? If you want to be some kind of career woman, then get a divorce.
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>>18011028
Going half and half with children doesn't work. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Raising children is not a part time gig. Also, you're asking any workplace you may be at to
a) let you off during a pregnancy and while you recover. This costs them time and money to replace you.
b) hire you back. Why would they?
c) Give you a flexible job schedule that lets you and your husband tag team raising kids. This also applies to your husband's workplace.

It's a fantasy.

>>18011032
Children need a mother for emotional development. Maybe you should just blame reality and biology.
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>>18011953
>Why would you get married if you didn't want to do what the whole point of a marriage is?
Obviously because not every marriage is a copy of some static concept and they discussed it within their relationship, reaching a way to shape their personal marriage that she was on board with and he now abandoned.
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>>18011963
How progressive. But the fact of the matter is that their supposed marriage plan makes absolutely no sense and serves no purpose. You're either a career woman or a mother. No one is both.
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>>18011973
What do you care? This is completely irrelevant. They could have agreed that as soon as they are married, they both take turns fucking their neighbors while the children sleep.

Fact of the matter is that this is what they agreed upon, the conditions and expectations they went over before marrying, and now he's not only going back on their own personal plan but not even acknowledging that he's flipping the script on her.

If he feels she can't be a proper mother if she works, fine, but he should've made that clear before roping her into commitment.
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>>18011973
The stay-at-home mom housewife is a modern made up concept, anon. Women never raised children full-time - if they were rich they hired nanies and did nothing all day, if they were poor peasants they worked all day and kids were left fucking unattended and were expected to behave like mini adults.

Grab a history book. Or maybe read a Dickens novel. I know the redpill stuff makes sense in a way, but that logic only came to be from the 1900's on.
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>>18011983
>The stay-at-home mom housewife is a modern made up concept, anon. Women never raised children full-time - if they were rich they hired nanies and did nothing all day, if they were poor peasants they worked all day and kids were left fucking unattended and were expected to behave like mini adults.
Some people grow up with parents that are loving and involved. You're describing women that only had kids because "that's what you do".
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>>18011986
And you're talking about people who grew up post-1900. Parents could be loving, but mostly they were not too involved, not around-the-clock so. Seriously, go read a book. Swann's way's first chapter is good and the depiction of mommy-main character is very good too.

For the love of god
Go read a book
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>>18011983
No usually they did take care of the kids especially in the early years when they needed to be breastfed but when they got older they'd bring them along on chores and errands to help them.

It is true that women have always been economically productive though just at home and in their own fields
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>>18011996
>And you're talking about people who grew up post-1900.
I'm not. Do you not personally know many stay-at-home moms or people that grew up in those situations?
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>>18012010
It was pretty common to feed them with weird ass mixes that were not too nutritious, though. Which is partly why kids are stronger and healthier in recent years, literally everyone knows breast milk is very important for growth.
Rich women also hired fucking women to breast feed their kids. Weird times.

>>18012022
I feel like I'm not making myself clear. I know people like that, yes, and that is the point I'm making, that it is common now but hasn't always been so.
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>>18012044
>Rich women also hired fucking women to breast feed their kids.
Often until the child was in the double digits. I always thought my mom was strange for child-led weaning (I stopped around 4-5 years old) until I read about that.

>I feel like I'm not making myself clear. I know people like that, yes, and that is the point I'm making, that it is common now but hasn't always been so.
Yeah, that makes more sense. I may have misread your initial comment.
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>>18010640
It's not just men who do bait and switch.
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>>18010132
>it's this thread again
stop baitposting, you post this shit every week, slightly changing the story
kys
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>>18011973
Underaged virgin troll detected.
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>>18011959
>Going half and half with children doesn't work.
My mom and my dad did it, and I grew up without any major issue.
I went to kindergarten when I was 18 months old.
My mom worked 8 AM - 3 PM 6 days a week, and my dad worked 1 PM - 9 PM 5 days a week.
Dad would take me to school in the morning, mom would pick me up from school in the afternoon and drive me to activities.
They did this till I was 14, then I was more autonomous and my mom got more hours at work and I stayed home alone for a couple of hours in the afternoon.

Nothing extreme. Spent a lot of time with both of my parents, still have a great relationship with both.
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