babies vs freedom

>>18010054
Should I be watching the news a year from now for the headline," Mother drowns child in lake, blames Father for not helping change diapers!" ?

>>18010054
>I didnt want to try to get pregnant next month. We had been trying for about 4 months. And guess what... now I am pregnant.

So why didn't you use protection?

>>18010067
I hope not lol... Plus he would be a great dad and would def help with diapers etc

>>18010075
The point of conception was before (but not that long before) I told him i wanted to stop trying for a while.

Shit sucks OP but really you should've asked yourself these things BEFORE trying for four months to have a kid.

If during those months you were convinced that you wanted it, then I wouldn't worry too much and schedule an appointment with a professional who can go over everything with you as a third party. Chances are you are being influenced by the hormones and it suddenly being a reality.

If you always had doubts... do some serious introspection on how you handle life changing decisions.

>>18010084
sounds too glib... of course I have no child murdering plans, and no history of such mental break style shit or animal cruelty etc...

So, you want an abortion? Look, this is your choice and all, but don't ask 4chan. They don't really even like women here, and certainly don't for the most part support abortion.

You should have thought of this before you started trying. It seems like you're just following your partner, and don't think for yourself and make considered decisions.

Ultimately the advice of 4chan will mean nothing, and you'll either get an abortion or raise a kid when you're not ready and resent it.

>>18010092
Yeah I know... i guess i always had doubts in that I was never one to go gaga for babies, but that it would be ok in that eventually it would grow out of that bit... but now that time seems daunting.

>>18010094
not really.. although my husband said I could if i wanted. I think i want to learn to come to terms with it. Also i dont know if it is true that all of 4chan is pro-life... i thought they would be pro-choice/freedom generally.

>>18010102
True... wonder what would've happened if I didn't get pregnant before I decided to stop trying to get pregnant. I am indeed a sucky decision maker, but I was open about my misgivings. Most of the time we were trying i was pro-ish but lately less so

>>18010108
I would not worry about not particularly liking babies. Plenty of people with kids they love are not stereotypical "kid people" doting on others' kids, or only like them before/after a certain age if they're strange children.

What I WOULD worry about is the other stuff you mentioned - your body changing (in part permanently so), you being responsible for another person's well being for a solid two decades, the relationship with your partner changing. You will never be -as- carefree anymore, there will be a new person who is the first priority in your life even before yourself.

However, if these doubts persist I think it is all the more important to seek professional help to sort all this out, either for yourself or with both you and your partner. Because if he already knows you're pregnant and you abort his child... be prepared to see your relationship end over that.

You will never be ready. Your kid will be going to school and you'll be sleep deprived and still be wondering if you are really fit to be a parent. It's going to be hard and not like tv. You will pretty much lose your identity and only be mom.

Or you could end up having the baby and absolutely loving it and it makes your life way better.

>>18010054

I just want to say that I'm sorry you're in that position, from every aspect imaginable this just seems like a shitty place to be in.

My advice to you is to really ask yourself if you want to have a child. You need to take some time out of life to decide for yourself, alone. Limit external factors from altering your feelings, this is an incredibly personal choice and is something that you need to decide for yourself and no one else.

Go grab some ice cream, find a quite place, and mull on your thoughts for as long as you need to. Don't take into account anyone else here, be as selfish as possible and no I'm not kidding. The choice you make here is going to have major implications for the rest of your life.

Best of luck with everything, I hope you find it in yourself to choose what is best for you.

>>18010121
>i hope you get an abortion

>>18010117
do u mean professional help like GP or?
I havent made that first appointment yet so i guess that will be a start point.

>>18010118
The second would be nice but not sure it seems too good to be true. Probably would end up somewhere in the middle

>>18010094
see
>>18010139
also.. thanks bud.

>>18010153
Nah, a counselor. They're not just for digging through your childhood issues, you can use them for very clear cut situations that you can use guidance in. A third party can help to make an informed decision by helping you articulate and recognize all of your issues/needs/fears etc, and give personalized advice for assignments or literature.

Nobody is ever truly ready for kids, and they never will be. There is no perfect time or perfect parent.

Heck you're an adult in what I assume I say a happy, stable marriage already trying for kids, so you're more prepared than 99% of people.

When that baby is born and you look into his/her eyes, you'll understand. That instinct of motherly love is so powerful that even single teen moms living in poverty more often than not look at their child and honestly say they are their greatest blessing and wouldn't have had it any other way.

>>18010177
>When that baby is born and you look into his/her eyes, you'll understand.
Maybe for some, and perhaps OP will feel this way. Many women feel awful they do not feel instantly in love with their babies after it's first born, or have postpartum depression.

OP how old are you? Are you worried about a baby for financial reasons or anything as well?

>>18010168
Yeah that is probably a good idea. I got issues...

>>18010177
I'm hoping so but some people just seem to really enjoy babies... like all babies... all the time. I am not that way at all.
I guess it is good in that we will have enough money to get by etc

>>18010185
I'd say for most. Sure there are things like PPD, but that can be overcome, and it certainly doesn't mean you don't feel love for your child.

>>18010185
I am 29 so pretty old to be feeling this way, and we will have enough cash, and our relationship is good so not really any proper reasons.

I guess I am concerned about not feeling that OMG my baby thing, and I have a mild history of depression, so im concerned about postpartum but have been pretty good for 8 years or so

>>18010196
There are tons of people who don't like kids, but love THEIR kids. That's all that matters. Think of how every parent thinks their baby is the cutest, smartest, best all around. Of course from an outside perspective it's probably just a normal baby, but they truely feel that in their heart and mind.

>>18010207
I see. Everything does sounds pretty ideal and you're almost 30. You're probably just scared which is absolutely reasonable, but sounds like your baby will have a really nice life. It's especially great that your husband is so supportive of your choice, and you have a good relationship.

>>18010214
Those people are delusional. But maybe I too can buy into the delusion.

>>18010252
It's every parent. Love for your children is so powerful and natural, that those people who say "parents are delusional" end up feeling the same thing when they are parents.

>>18010268
Just saying but it's not every parent. It's just very taboo to come out and say that you don't love your child, or that you love them but still wish you didn't have them because you don't like your life much anymore.

>>18010243
Yeah I hope so. These are the good points for sure. This has been surprisingly helpful.

>>18010281
There are some of these on the internet.. they usually start with "I love my kids but..."

>>18010281
Of course there are always exceptions to the rule, but I'd say that those people are generally unstable and have many psychological problems to begin with.

Not having kids myself but imagine yourself in 30+ years. Youll have a son/daughter who will always be there for you (if you raised them properly) while singles like me get more and more lonely as all the friends die off or move away. Kids are a win in the long term

>>18010298
That's the thing, by saying this you show just how stigmatized it is ("must be something SERIOUSLY wrong with them"), and exactly because many people find it abhorrent, most people who experience these feelings keep them to themselves, which in turn makes it seem much rarer than it actually is. There is no way to know it for certain. And I can't speak for you but looking at my own life, sure, I feel like all my friends have had parents who care for them and love them, but not nearly all of them in that "you are the light of my life" romantic way it's typically talked about. It is obvious to me that they are not all their parents' first priority (or were as a child), that their parents also harbor some negative feelings/sentiments etc.

>>18010315
We can't know for sure, but in all the intimate talks I've had, I've never once met someone who regrets having their children or who doesn't love them, no matter the circumstance.

And I'm not just throwing the psychological problems thing around lightly. In those cases of child abuse, neglect, abandonment, murder, etc. the parent almost always has a history of general instability whether it be serious psychological disorder, drug addiction, or something else.

Loving your children to the point you'd give your life for them without thinking is the norm and is natural.

Op, I'm pregnant 3 months in, I hate it and I'm 100% not prepared for it. I could never go through abortion but I cried many times because I was scared people around me would fade away, my body would look bad etc.

I've come to slowly accept it, I don't know if I'll be close to my kid, but I hope you have as much support as I do. I'm in my twenties and if I didn't get so much help from people I'd be dead from anxiety.

>>18010356
It is so scary and so many things would be different. Maybe it will be good?
Hopefully I can accept it.
I am glad you have so much support.
Even though I am 29 the only person I really know that has a baby is interstate, so no friend support but i guess my husband is good.
Also concerned that once I tell friends or family I wont be able to get it up to be excited with them and they will think I am broken

>>18010054
If you don't want a kid don't have it. there's nothing worse than that resentment carrying over to the child.

>>18010390
I agree wholeheartedly. Do not want to be my mother. It is possibly through her (although probably my fault too) that I cant really see inherent value in motherhood/parenthood, I think that it cant be your whole value as a person.

>>18010381
Op, I tried to sound excited too, but in the end told the truth. My mother comforted me and understood. I think if you are honest with how you feel you will learn to be ok with it, don't fake happiness it will just put you down more. You do not have to be excited, losing yourself in bad thoughts is not good.

All I can say is, if times get hard reach out to your family/husband/friends. I'm sure they won't judge how you feel.

>>18010054
OP:

Before I read the rest of the thread, I want to tell you: as a mom, I did not find my baby to restrict my freedom at all. You can do just about everything you did before baby: just get a sling or an ergo carrier.
Our culture is too child centered, and it's bad for everybody. Bring baby with you in your life: don't shape your life around his or hers.

Ok, now I read the thread.

Look. If you want to have a baby at some point, 29 is probably a good time.

What are you feeling worried about?

>>18010432
>>18010450
I know that I am the 'right age' and everything is 'right'
but my concerns are:
Can I be fulfilled by having kids?
Would loving my child be enough to get me through all the parts I am dreading i.e. lack of sleep, ruining my downstairs and body generally, ruining relationship with partner and friends, no personal time, spending all day doing boring housey/baby shit. Not being able to stop it crying. I am a bit of a selfish person, I guess.
What if I get postpartum and end up hating all of it?

>>18010432
also props to you for fitting the baby into your life so well. I agree that sometimes it seems we are WAY too child centred

>>18010472
If you get PDD you can get put on some meds. I remember having it, being awake at 3-4am, watching Adult Swim reruns and shitposting on this site to help me cope.
It will be hard for awhile, probably until your baby is potty trained, about age 2-3. Then they become more independent and you'll wish they were still clinging to you.
As for your body, it is a huge change. But you're not going to have a saggy vagina forever or whatever, you'll lose the baby weight of you want (you can go on walks with the baby), and you might make new mom friends.

>>18010450
also childbirth.. really?
I know a lot of people do it.. but also it is avoidable by not having children. Not that I can talk... anymore.

>>18010498
I dont know if i will get on with mom friends. They will all probably be really into it and perfectionisty. I like my old friends.

What about the people who say 'You will never have bladder control EVER AGAIN'

Yeah I guess I just have to get through 2 years or so and they become kids or tiny people not just a baby.

>>18010094
Really? I've frequented 4chan for almost 6-7 years. Get the abortion if you don't want t raise a kid op, if you do then have it. Wow was that hard? If you think that's hard, just wait till Tha kids born!

>>18010432
And also being that ass hat, annoying fuck of a parents who let's their kid wail everywhere they go. I be you Bring your fucking baby to the movies to.

Suck fuck.

To all you anons that went to a quiet restaurant, only to have your kid cry and bother everyone, fuck you. Take him/her outside.

>>18010472
Ok, coupla things.

Hormones are amazing things that will make it all at least seem worth it.
Your baby will be yours forever: nothing will change that.

As far as PPD, I have had close friends go through it, and there are a lot of ways to try to prevent it.

Go to birthing classes, and consider getting a doula. A doula is not there to pressure you into a natural birth (contrary to tv depictions), but will be there to support you through the process of whatever choices you want to make. This provides support, the lack of ehich is a big factor for PPD.
If money is an issue, consider a doula in training. They usually charge lower fees.

Plan on breastfeeding if at all possible. Oxytocin is released in the mother's body during lactation, which is huge for bonding, also important for PPD prevention.

Make sure you can take the time you need to recuperate: 2 weeks in bed with baby is a bare minimum. Sleep when baby sleeps. This will make sure you are not sleep-deprived: another PPD factor.

If you decide to move forward with this pregnancy, get to an OB appointment, and start taking prenatal vitamins. Continue to take them after birth for 3 months. This ensures proper nutrition for YOU: another factor in PPD. (A nurse told me: if the baby isn't able to get the necessary nutrients while gestating, it can come from the mother's bone marrow! Make sure the right nutrients are in your system, and extra)

(Cont.)

>>18010513
>What about the people who say 'You will never have bladder control EVER AGAIN'
While pregnant, it can be an issue for some people. After birth, kegels. All the kegels. Forever. Some people actually end up feeling tighter after healing, once they learn about kegels.

>>18010513
I don't have any friends, just saying that it might open you to new friends by having something in common. Everyone's experiences are different, I had bladder issues for 1-2 days because of the epidural but after that, I can hold it, no problems. Shit, I knew girls that would pee when they laughed and never had a kid.

>>18010532
If you have a well behaved kid, it's not an issue.
I wouldn't take my kid to a movie or theater, or a formal restaurant, until 6, but if you have 1 well behaved kid, you can go just about anywhere else.

>>18010054
You had better self abort or sneak abort or something or you are about to RUIN your ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE.
This is not a joke. If you have even a single doubt about wanting this kid you need to get rid of it NOW before you ruin both of your lives and get an inevitable divorce.

>>18010567
yep

op's post is extremely casual for something that is going to change and control your entire life for the rest of your life

>>18010534
(Cont.)
Why would you have to spend all day doing housey/ baby things? If you want to go to work, go to work!
My partner and I both worked part time til the little guy started school so we didn'have to pay for childcare. If he's open to it, it's a great way for him to bond with the kid as well.

As far as relationship worries: TALK with your partner about your fears. He probably want to be there for you right now: reassuring you is a good way for him to do that.

Also: plenty of fun people have kids, and the usually raise fun kids. Find "mom friends" that suit YOU. We're not all bad, lol. Many of us were just as scared and new at everything as you are now, and many new mothers around you are going through the same shit.

>>18010532

My mom took me nearly everywhere with her, but I was also well-behaved. On the rare occasion that I was getting fussy (usually because I was tired/hungry), she'd take me away before I could bother others and fix the issue. If I was just being a brat, we'd go straight home. When you have good parents that you love/admire, and you want to be near them, being taken out is a treat that you earn.

>>18010567
>>18010568

t. men

>>18010580
More like t. I was one of these unwanted babies and until the day I moved out I wished I was aborted

>>18010574
sigh.. you are my mom idol.
It seems like you and your partner have a really good relationship.
My partner earns way more than me and couldnt go part time for a few years, maybe one day.

>>18010595
sorry you had a rough childhood. How did u feel unwanted?
Mine was reasonable with parents shitty with other kids.
Decisions must be made i suppose.

>>18010054
Shouldn't have gotten prego. Suck it up

>>18010700
Well. My partner and I have had a rough time. He can be a real dick, and also gets very depressed. He is, however, a fucking great father.
Do you feel good about your partner as a potential father?
I suppose that is a very important question...

>>18010547
>>18010577
This is fine, because you are actively addressing the issue and being respectful of those around you. Buy I can't stand people who just let their kids wail why people are trying to function

>>18010804
yes I think he would be a really great father, less sure about my parenting skills than his i guess.

>>18010054
How old are you?

i'm in a very similar situation, op.
i wanted to wait a few more months before trying but my husband convinced me to tale out my iud and even thought we have SOMEWHAT tried to not get pregnant (pulled out) for the uteral lining to first regenerate again, everything looks like i might have gotten pregnant anyways. i am only waiting for him to come home on the weekend so he will be here too when i take the test.
now my mind runs wild. so far the joy honestly isn't overboarding...
i wanted to wait because i have a stressfull phase at sork infront of me and i am terrified of going trough this whilst slso being moody, tired, nauseaus due to pregnancy.
we do have a kid already, so i klmnow what i'm getting myself into. i know that in the end, it will turn out just right. but i can't help feeling nostalgic about the calm we were able to etablish being taken away from us again.

>>18010108
>although my husband said I could if i wanted
You have a good while to talk about this. Not something you should do on a whim. He may have given you his pass, but this also may be something that permanently damages the relationship for instance. You may just be afraid of just taking the plunge. Or hell maybe it's something the both of you would decide is a good idea.

>Also i dont know if it is true that all of 4chan is pro-life
It's developed a more conservative slant over the years but we still have people as far to the left as antifa faggots and literal communists.

If you want a huge box, you may as well go to r/xx chromosomes or whatever the fuck.

>>18010432
>Our culture is too child centered
We are below the replenishment rate. That suggests the opposite if anything.

>making the next generation of 4chan users: the thread

>>18010054
I'd suggest getting an abortion now before it becomes completely illegal.

I'm at the same point as you. I want them on some level but I'm not sure and I feel like I would have to give up so much.

I realized that part of it was because my mother was a bad example. She gave up everything, had no friends, no hobbies, no nothing, just her job and us kids. It felt extremely tyrannical and made me dead scared of doing the same. But I realized I don't have to repeat that pattern, and I can set low expectations for myself on that level. At first it's hard because the kid needs a lot of attention to survive but that's 2-3 years. I've had 2-3 year projects that took up nearly all my energy and resources before at work so I can manage a temporary setback. Okay you're responsible until they are 20 but you can't decide who they will become and you can't control their emotions, so at some point it's out of your hands.

Now some of my friends are having babies and try really still have thriving personal lives. They often leave the kid with grandmothers or with their partner and still have dance classes or some stuff they enjoy.
One said its kind of like when you start working, in uni you have a lot of free time for all sorts of crap. When you work you have less but you get money in exchange, you can silk have hobbies and friends but you plan it a little more and you let go of what doesn't serve you.

As for the "love" aspect, I think you can expect to get attached to it but it's incredibly important to keep the option open that you don't like being a mother at all. One of the worst parts of that is that you feel it's a dirty secret and you put a lot of pressure to still be the best mom you can be even if you don't enjoy it. Maybe it's good to have a plan already if that is the case (like get an au pair, hav your husband look at options where he goes to work part time), or to see a counselor.

>>18011618
The mother doesn't have to be the main caretaker (well once they stop suckling tits). This is something you and your husband can discuss and find a good equilibrium on. Fuck nature arguments that would claim it's the mother that needs to x y or z. Whatever works for you and your husband is the right solution.

Here's my "should you have a baby" litmus test:

1. Are you afraid of messing the kids life?

OR

2. Are you worried of the kid messing up YOUR life?

If you pick 1. then you'll be fine, you'll figure it out, and you'll be a great parent. Because your primary concern is where it should be, on the kid.

If you pick 2. then you're not ready, because you're more concerned about yourself, and having a kid is all about sacrifice.

You already on your way though, so pick fast. The longer you drag out this decision the worst it's going to be.

>>18012606
This.

People who want kids badly still have an extremely difficult time. If you're lukewarm, don't do it.

>>18011622
29