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With the recent death of my mother, I've finally come to a point where all reasons to delay ending myself are no longer valid. The remainder of my family hates me with a burning passion. I have precisely zero friends. I'm unemployed and will remain so, having made a series of bad decisions involving a three-year 'break' from education followed by majoring in a field with no employment prospects worth a damn. I have no particular talents or passion for anything, meaning independent money-earning is more or less out. My body is slowly giving up, a combination of inborn medical issues, poor (both literally and figuratively) lifestyle and stress combining into a health clusterfuck. Given the aforementioned family disgust of me, the will most definitely kick me out - and the government allowance for disabilities isn't nearly enough for even a tiny apartment.

In the end, I'm left with nothing but a handful of money which will last me for half the next month at best, memories of a time where I used to think everything would work out perfectly, and rapidly growing bitterness toward everyone and everything, myself most of all.

I don't really want to die, to be honest. But I cannot find a single reason not to, and all the reasons to do so.
>I've finally come to a point where all reasons to delay ending myself are no longer valid

I wish I was as lucky as you
I think you should just go through with it. Your life probably won't get any better.

Hopefully I can join you soon if you go through with it lol, but I'm waiting for my parents to die so I won't feel guilty.
Well then.
When it comes to having no reasons left, it's a pretty bizarre feeling. Wouldn't say it's good, but it's better than expected. Liberating, I should say. If only I had the means to do something interesting with this freedom, that'd probably be nice.

As it is, I'm trying to figure out the best way to go. I mean, possibly last decision I make, may as well take my time to consider it carefully.
I was 13 and was about to kill my self. beeing bullyed by "friends" and family and loseing my only companion my dog to a rando car hit and run. I started to drink my bleach as im 13 and is the only thing I can think that would end my life right there and then. in anger i was saying over and over "fuck you fuck you mom and day fuck you " over and over and then i had an idea that they only way to get back at them would be to live and spite them every were i could.
spite is was stoped my from killing my self and spite is what can help you. your family hates you well fuck then live a better life than them outa spite cuz that way your very life is laughing at them.
also join the militay if you make to after boot camp they give you a nice pay and a roof over your head.
if not an option i would say a dishwasher is an easy job that you can work up from to not have to depend on the gov for money
See, here's the thing, though. I can't live a proper life. I don't have the skills or mentality for it. I have no passion for anything, either - well, not anything achievable to someone in my position. The military was my primary choice, but on account of my health I can't join even in a non-active role. I could try for a garbage job and hope I get some manner of advancement, but the truth is, I've kept an eye on the job market in my country. At my age - which isn't even that high, but it IS considerably higher than the average of those entering the job market properly - I won't be accepted into an entry-level position with no experience, and if I am, I will never get anything better than said entry-level position. And while I could stomach a dead-end job for a while, what would be the point in the end? Merely existing is not the answer. Living is, and I can't imagine succeeding at that.
Buy a shitty motorcycle and ride around country nomadicly and if you don't like it you can drive into a tree.
I can kind of understand. There's something intriguing about not having to worry about the consequences of your actions. I mean, there's nothing holding you back from suicide if things get worse, right? If I ever became that free, I'd probably try living a completely different lifestyle first, and kill myself later if I didn't like it. Monetary constraints are pretty annoying, though. But there are options worth exploring - illegal, but worth a try. They might not work, but it's not a bad choice considering your situation.
>The remainder of my family hates me with a burning passion. I have precisely zero friends.

Truly? Well I suppose you might be an actual fuck up rather than an overly dramatic autist.

Assuming you aren't, why don't you try and make amends with your kin? Ain't nothing thicker than blood, despite what some might say.
join a commune.
this, save enough money for a tent though
I don't think a motorcycle shitty enough for me to afford exists.
I've considered it, but even illegal methods require skill. Even more, really, considering there's the whole 'not getting caught' part. Doubt I'd really manage. Still, as I said before - I'm in no hurry to die, reasons or not, so I'll probably try this and that before going for it.
I'm both a fuck-up AND an overly dramatic autist, thank you very much. And the situation is pretty complicated. My mother was the only one left of my immediate family - all that remains is rather distant relatives. There was some long-running bad blood between the two sides of the family, and I'm the only one left for them to vent it on - which is easy considering that objectively speaking (that is to say, using societal standards) I'm a failure on almost every level. Don't think I haven't tried to bury the axe, though. And failed. I could do more, but even at the verge of suicide I have some fucking pride, so I don't intend to crawl to them and beg them for some mercy so they let me shack up at their place or lend me some money. Not after the shit they did in the past.
Blood is pretty fucking thick, sure, but there's plenty of examples of disowning in the world regardless.
Ah, no worries there. Even a self-proclaimed invalid such as yourself should have no troubles. It should be fairly difficult to track you down if you somehow get caught due to the nature of the "crime". If you're interested, I can make a throwaway email and we can talk a little bit more about this. I can promise you I'm not selling you anything, in case you're wondering.
>I could do more

Then do. Put yourself to work for the family, one way or the other. You may well be worthless, consider that you are considering suicide. Fair and well enough that you should die if you have no use, but you do. Forget yourself and do for your kin rather than kill yourself. Consider all the time and resource put into bringing you to where you are today. I take it you've squandered that investment, redeem yourself.
Well, something to consider. I'd rather look over regular options before this, though.
The 'investment' was made by my mother. She's dead. The other part of the family has treated both her and me like garbage for as long as I can remember. I owe them fucking nothing. I said they hate me and will kick me out, and that's true. I didn't, however, say that I don't share the sentiment or wish to kiss their figurative ass to earn the right to be treated like shit even more.
>The 'investment' was made by my mother. She's dead.

And so, the kin have inherited her investment. If you're going to kill yourself, what exactly are you losing by going out and doing whatever you can for your next of kin?

Let them kick you out, let them tell you to fuck off, but at the very least you should try and make yourself available to them for whatever you can if you intend killing yourself anyhow.
I'm not op but I'm interested man
Okay, now I'm suspecting you're having a giggle at my expense. How exactly did they inherit a damn thing, if they had nothing to do with my conception, birth, upbringing or any other part of my life beyond providing space - which, I might add, my mother and I actually paid for, so it wasn't out of kindness.

They did absolutely nothing for me that a regular landlord wouldn't. If they have no inclination to do things based on blood relation, why the fuck would I?

As I said, I may be garbage, but I have some pride left. I won't throw it away because your idea of family involves some sort of servitude.
>Okay, now I'm suspecting you're having a giggle at my expense.

Self centered sack of shit.

Your upbringing costed resources. At this juncture you are a dead end, simply said wasted resources. So, rather than being the useless dickhead that you are, why don't you put back in something for them what share your blood, and may yet go somewhere in life?
Let me spell it out for you, then. My fucking mother was the one who paid for my upbringing. All of it. Every single bit. I wish I could have repaid her properly before she died, but I didn't, and nothing will change it.

The others, on the other hand, didn't give a fuck about me. They did nothing for me. NOTHING. There is no debt here. They had no love or even basic respect for my mother, and offered her no help with raising a crippled child either, so they deserve precisely nothing of what love, gratitude and effort she earned from me. What kind of insane fucking logic do you follow to think otherwise?
>Let me spell it out for you,

Let me spell it out for you.

You and your mother don't mean shit, considering your dead end in the run of life. As it stands right now, it's you killing yourself and as such wasting everything, or giving something to those that share your blood.

From what you've said, I'll take it that your family ain't all that close, whether that's the truth of it or not I can't know, what I can say is that you should try and change that.

What exactly do you lose? They tell you to fuck off and you kill yourself anyways?

I know that in this day and age the family ain't viewed as it should be, and my "insane fucking logic" come from a culture in which the family come before the man. Some are worthless shitheads sure, but they're still blood. We are all indebted to our ancestors, and as such we should do as best we can to honor them. Killing yourself does nothing for nobody.
Alright. I understand. But all that means is that I'll just have to live (or not, as it were) with being a self-entitled shithead, if that's what it means to refuse to live and work for people who did nothing to deserve my help or even respect other than happen to be my relatives. Because if they refuse to do as much as drive my mother to a hospital in an emergency or (for three of them) attend her fucking funeral, I have no will to be a better person solely for their benefit. If that makes me a piece of garbage, so be it, at least I'm safe in the knowledge they're even worse.
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