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Burying the Hatchet

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Should I forgive my dying mom?

My mom has been a pretty abusive, abhorrent person most of her life. She loves me, that's for sure, but she loves me on her terms. If I'm not doing what she thinks is right, she's not only abusive, but she tries to ruin my life, or threatens to ruin my dad's life by divorcing him and taking his shit.

I'm 30 years old, live on my own, and recently got a new job. She told me this new job was unacceptable, called me a total disappointment, threw a tantrum, and told me I was a waste. She kicked my dad out of the house because he wouldn't force me to beg for my old job back. In the past, she's done shit like stealing my car, trying to unenroll me from college, pretending to overdose on pills, and has threatened my friends.

I've cut ties with her, but due to some recent events have had to give her a call so things were sorted (identity theft issue & my dad's best friend passing).

She's been trying to pretend like nothing's wrong when I call and has been texting me like we can chit chat. Unfortunately she has lupus, and will probably not make it past the next five years. Tonight she was trying to help me get some medicine for an illness, and I told her I didn't come to her because of obvious reasons. She thought we were going to be okay because I'd actually called her, but I want nothing to do with her. I hung up on her.

Am I being a stubborn dick, or should I just accept that she's a cunt and let her die alone and unhappy?
bro just tell her how shes been horrible and you want to spend some good time with her before she dies or she'll have a son that resents her even in death
No, you're completely valid in feeling this way OP. Dying doesn't take back those years of abuse and just trying to appease her in her final hour won't change anything that has happened.
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Anon, fighting fire with fire never worked. She's dying, you're not. At the end of the day, yes, she was a shitty individual, but when people begin to die, they want to fix what they've done wrong to the people that they care about. For a lifetime of misery she caused you, allow the next five years or less to be wonderful for her. It's the best thing you can do as a son, even if she has been toxic. At the end of the day, you're her son, and she's your mother.
Tl;DR: I think you should forgive her, and just try to enjoy the last few years she has. As the other anon said, you should tell her how she's been and how from here on out, you want it to be different.

I've already told her this. I still get the "well if you hadn't done ________ I wouldn't have done that" thing.


She's not really trying to fix anything though - there hasn't been any apology or olive branch, she just thinks things should go back to normal and is trying to like, shoot the shit, or buy me stuff.
What do you think is ideal for you? It is quite a shitty situation.
My gf lost her mom to a sudden cancer that took her in less than three months. I'm not sure if I could call that lady "abusive" during the time that I knew her, but my gf does have a few small scars from fights with her. And the two just didn't go along toghether.

Problem is my gf never went easy on her mother, and when cancer struck her and took her that fast, there wasn't time to make amends. So my gf has been fighting depression for it and this christmas after drinking a bit too much, she just started crying, and it's been close to five years that she died.

I don't blame my gf at all, since I also have a complicated relationship with my father. But she just can't forgove herself for all the arguments the two of them had.

So yes, our parents can be the biggest assholes on earth. But you should never stop trying to make amends with her, specialy when you know her due date is close. Don't feed hope that you'll change her completly, but do all you can, so that at least when she's gone you'll have the peace of mind that you did all you could.

I'm tired of forgiving her, just like I'm tired of forgiving other people. The emotional exhaustion is kicking my ass. I mean, forgiving people is natural, we all have our conflicts that we need to get over at some point. But when it's recurring and threatening to your well being? I don't know, it seems like at that point they're a toxic person.

You don't get infinite lives when it comes to maintaining someone's respect for you. You have to treat people right.


Trust and love are different. You can love her unconditionally being that she is your mother. And equally you can distrust her enough to cut her completely from your life, if not for a letter on her birthday (or nothing). They arent mutually exclusive.
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