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Girl here, 20s. Boyfriend and I met online. Boyfriend and I

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Girl here, 20s.

Boyfriend and I met online. Boyfriend and I visited back and forth for weeks at a time. Eventually I moved to boyfriend's state. Then he moved to my state.

He has a pretty good job here, but now he wants to move back to his state (with me). Why? Because he wants to be with his friends.

Meanwhile, I have no friends here (actually, I used to but I cut them all off for various reasons).

However, I don't want to move to his state with him because:

1. I feel like he cares more about his friends than me. I'm pretty sure if I refused to live in his state indefinitely, that he would break up with me.

2. I don't even like socializing with his friends or his family, so I'm tired of being put in that position. (Meanwhile, he enjoys socializing with my family, which we do weekly).

3. If we ever have a kid/s, my parents would care a LOT more about being there for their grandkid/s than his parents would. So it seems better to live in my state for that reason. Although we are still unsure if we even want kids.

And so, I'm considering breaking up with this guy, and finding someone who's as introverted as me and would also easily place me above any theoretical friends or family.

Should I do it? Thoughts?

We get along really well btw, and have been together for more than 5 years. Perhaps an irrelevant fact, but our sex life is not all that active due to physical insecurities of mine (even though I have an alright face and am not fat).
>>
You made a thread about wanting to break up with your boyfriend. You already made up your mind that you probably will break up with him anyways. You just need validation from us by saying yes. You've been together for 5 years and willing to throw it all away for a dumb reason. Just break up so he won't have a cunt as a girlfriend.

>alright face
>not fat

Pick one.
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>>17996581
Let me guess...you're a californian.
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>>17996581

It sounds like you should break up with him. It's unhealthy to consider your partner your only friend, and if he hasn't found anyone he can commiserate with in your area, it's only going to get worse. People need to have some form of freedom. Points 1 and 2 seem the same on this. You want to be away from everyone but your immediate family for... reasons, and he misses having genuine people he can trust and enjoy being around.

You haven't made any decisions on kids, so point three is moot - especially since you should be focusing on how well you can raise them together, not how much you can pawn them off to grandma and grandpa.

Plus a poor sex life? I'm not sure what he's sticking around for, besides the fear of being alone.

You should break up with him. I don't necessarily fault you for wanting to have someone that never leaves your own little bubble, but that's not for most, and is a bad idea if he's not on board.
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>>17996588
So it's a dumb reason even though I'm pretty sure /he'd/ break up with /me/ if I said no to going to his home state indefinitely? Aka, if he values being with his friends over being with me -- that's a dumb reason to break up?

Yes, I could make him happy by living away from my family so he can be with his friends but I don't feel like living with an eternal feeling of "less than"-ism.

He also had a tendency to spend 8 hours+ with his friends at their houses or walking around or whatever. That was annoying.
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>>17996595
you are a bitch for making him choose between friends and you, why can't he have both? that's just my opinion though.
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>>17996592
Why do you think that?

>>17996593
That's another thing -- he refuses to try to make friends here. I guess because he's not planning on staying here permanently so finds it useless.

And the reason he "sticks around" is because we typically enjoy each other's company in other ways than sex... -_-

Anyway, well, that sucks, thanks.
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>>17996600
Maybe if I knew he valued me more than said friends, I'd find it less annoying? But like I said, since it seems like he wants to break up with me if I don't move with him so that he can be with his friends, then the whole "why can't he just have both his friend and his girlfriend" ACTUALLY becomes "why can't he just be with his friends and have a girlfriend that pathetically tags along"
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>>17996604
give me a time breakdown on you vs his friends. If you get less than 50% on average I would say maybe that's not enough time with you.
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>>17996612
To be honest, 70% vs 30%. I mean, okay, he works, and what little time he has, he spends it on me, but on the weekends, he fucking leaves for his friends >:(
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>>17996614
have a weekend for just you guys every other week or something, I feel like you could compromise over this instead of breaking everything off. However if you feel you need to have him to yourself EVERY WEEKEND or you think you wouldn't be happy if he spent every other weekend or whatever it is with his friends then just break up. I do agree this relationship is unhealthy though, he sounds kind of whipped by you into not being able to spend time with the people he enjoys. He will resent you for it probably if he doesn't already.
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>>17996581
OP look, I'm mostly introverted too, so I feel where you are coming from. The only real way to deal with it is by explaining all this to him, as you explained it to us. If shit collapses over this, and he can't simply make NEW friends in your state, I dunno what to tell you.

I think a lot alike really. When I have someone good in my life, I focus all my energy and attention on that one person, I have no real friends.
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>>17996581
>1. I feel like he cares more about his friends than me. I'm pretty sure if I refused to live in his state indefinitely, that he would break up with me.
So instead he should forgo all his friends and family just to be with you?
>2. I don't even like socializing with his friends or his family, so I'm tired of being put in that position. (Meanwhile, he enjoys socializing with my family, which we do weekly).
So to save you some discomfort, he should just have no personal contact with them instead?
>3. If we ever have a kid/s, my parents would care a LOT more about being there for their grandkid/s than his parents would. So it seems better to live in my state for that reason. Although we are still unsure if we even want kids.
And you know how his parents feel... How? Are you secretly a psychic?
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>>17996581
You made a thread about your boyfriend and not once mentioned that you loved him or not despite being with him five years.

You suck. Neck yourself and quit wasting his time.
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>>17996601
>Wants to find an introvert
>Boyfriend is bad at making friends
You are already dating one
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>>17996683
Truth be told I find it a wonder OP made it so far while acting so immature about the whole thing.
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>>17996702
>>17996683

OK, so to be clear, EVERYONE in this thread is okay with the idea of dating someone who would theoretically choose their friends over you if it came down to it? Because this is the core of my issue in the first place.
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>>17996697
I love him, but I don't think I'm capable of selfless love. Something is broken in that mental area.
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>>17996581
>>17996588
>>17996595
>>17996614


The anon here responding is right, and you should break it off if anything so he can find a better gf. You're hopeless. -You- are the problem.

Just end it please and let this guy move on with his life.
>>
OP, please don't take this personally, but you sound like a very immature person with a lot of issues. Of course I don't know the whole picture, but based off what you said, you're insecure, unhappy about yourself and can not communicate with your boyfriend in a loving manner like adults do. You've said he spends 70% of his free time with you, you're making him choose between you and his friends, because you "feel" like he'll choose his friends over you and will break up with you. So you want to do it yourself first. After 5 years in the relationship. If you're not having sex, while sex is a majop part of a healthy relationship, so obviously you don't feel beautiful, you don't feel appreciated, you don't feel special, you don't feel courted. And it's where your boyfriend is fucking up. He should communicate with you, date and court you, so you don't feel that way about him spending time with his friends. You needs to make you feel special. Now I've know a girl who just was so insecure of herself that no amount of courting and dating would make her feel special, because she was telling herself that she wasn't. Don't know if it's the case with you. But really, OP, you should sort your own problems first. You should communicate like and adult and tell your boyfriend what you need. After all relationships are about meeting each other needs.
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>>17996725
(to be honest, >>17996614 was me playing as OP, but I agree. Everyone here is right.)
(I mean, really, doesn't she realize there's a world outside hers? And that OP's boyfriend has a life, too? Perhaps one that makes money? Simply put, I'm surprised he put up with this shit for this long. 5 years AND NO SEX! If that were me in his shoes, I'd be suffering)
(If this were bait, I'll be honest...I'm succesfully lured.)
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>>17996714
It sounds to me like you need to find someone who doesn't really have friends like you. My gf doesn't have many friends and I'm really close with my friends and she's learned to get along with them. I also have learned to give her special one on one time too. It's all about being willing to compromise. However, you seem to only want him to be focused on you and he wants to keep his friends in his life (which I personally value a lot). There are ways to make this work, but it'll take both of you and communication is vital. Outside of that, don't try to make him a loner and look for someone else.
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>>17996734
I didn't say /no sex/. I said our sex life is "not that active". Which honestly means like twice a month. But it's not 'none'.

Anyway yeah, I wonder how much your troll comment impacted peoples' responses. I didn't bother clarifying that it wasn't me because I thought my thread was dead at that point anyway.

Also, no one's directly answered my question:
>OK, so to be clear, EVERYONE in this thread is okay with the idea of dating someone who would theoretically choose their friends over you if it came down to it?

but it seems like the implication is that they think I should be okay with it and/or that if I'm not OK with it then I just need to break up but I'm still the one at fault for breaking up in that case.
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>>17996714
It's not the problem that someone MIGHT THEORETICALLY choose someone else over you, the problem is that YOU are insecure about yourself. It's the same as feeling jelaous and worrying about that your boyfriend might cheat on you. That he might choose someone else over you. Hey, if he does that, there's nothing you can do about it. All you can focus on is giving in your relationship and making each other needs met and being happy. And if he cheats or "chooses" someone over you, which it doesn't sound like he will, look at it as something you couldn't influence. So thank him for good times and be on your way. You shouldn't want to date anyone who does not appreciate you. You are a person of high value.

Jus't don't test him by making him choose between you and his friends. If any girl would do that to me, I'd choose my friends over her. Not because I don't love her or appreciate her, or because she's not special to me. No. If I'd be dating her, spending a lot of time with her and she still would make me choose, then she's just not a type of a person I would want to be with. I don't want my future wife or mother of my children be like that. Of course, I'd try to communicate first and explain why it's not alright to do that, but if she wouldn't undestand, then the choice is clear for me and I reckon, anyone else who has at least a little respect for themselves.
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>>17996745
It's been answered, OP. Nobody would choose anyone over anyone. And nobody decent shouldn't put it in the way of "me or them". You're in relationship to meet each others needs. So communicate like adults. If the needs won't be met anymore and you can't work out a solution and can't find a reason to stay with each other - break up. Nothing good comes out of that type of relationships.
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>>17996745
You sound pissed. I wonder if you act bitchy in everyday life.
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>I feel like he cares more about his friends than me
Either this relationship was dead on arrival, or you're overwhelmingly insecure. That said I can sympathize with your issue, because just as he is effectively having to choose between his friends versus you, you're having to choose between him and your family really. I feel like a lot of people are glossing over that. Yes he's having to choose between two things but so are you.

Honestly in your position I'd probably choose family over an SO moving away. I'd understand it if she needed a larger social circle and didn't feel like she could build one locally, but it's not something I'm really going to budge on.

>our sex life is not all that active
Fuck up on your part. Not a lot of people are going to be happy having to work around that and should see a therapist or some crap.
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>finding someone who's as introverted as me and would also easily place me above any theoretical friends or family
>physical insecurities of mine

And on days like this I thank the world for giving me the gift of autism, as to not have to deal with this shit lmfao
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Holy shit I read through OPie's replies and I am genuinely kek'd. It's been a minute since I've seen such immaturity from someone in a relationship, this shit takes me back to high school! Keep going OP!
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>>17996911
Elaborate?
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>>17996714
And of course a compromise is absolutely impossible? Have you even talked with him that you feel neglected because he spends (in your opinion) too much time with his friends?
One if my pals was in a similar problem with his girlfriend which called every gamingnight at random hours (really often and annoying after some months for the rest of us) because she felt neglected. Shejust couldnt accept that everyone needs some me time sometomines (and however that manifests). These calls (he asked her many times to stop made compromises etc but she just kept nagging) were reason nr. 1 why he ditched her after some years.
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>>17996595
You sound like my girlfriend. Disturbingly similar, putting your parents wants over his, having zero friends and not understanding a man's need for them. Breaking off a perfectly good long relationship for shits and giggles. Awkward sex life entirely because of your weird girly insecurities.

God, its horrible. He should be able to have friends if he wants to. I want to really get mad at you but i realize that i'm actually just mad at my own gf.

P.S. she got back together with me a few months later. If you are as similar as you seem, then you might end up doing the same. It caused a lot of suffering amd kind of ruined a good thing. I wouldnt recommend it. Check out OCD. throwing that just there just in case.
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>>17996614
Holy shit you are literally my girlfriend lmao.

This reminds me of a friend of mine who moved to a new state for a guy. She cannot make any friends and is miserable. Friends are important to some people. And its not that he isnt trying. Youre a real bitch desu. Im sorry, but god damn.
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>>17996683
The guy's parents are obviously scum, she's seen that by now, there's no reason to ask about that area.

My advice would be to dump him. Guys in relationship who still hang with their malodorous bros all the time are the saddest.
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>>17996745
Look, you're futile to him, men get girlfriends to fuck them, not to hang out with a shallower, dumber, more embittered version of a male friend.
Thread posts: 35
Thread images: 1


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