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Suicidal idiot looking for advice

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Hey, everyone. I've never posted before. On my phone late at night right now, trying to feel without wanting to cry.

TL:DR Help me plan my death this Friday.

My girlfriend and I had seven years, three dating, and got engaged. It was a huge deal. Unfortunately, she has an extremely manipulative ex who convinced her I'm basically Satan and she's trying to dump me for him. I say trying because our lease is up in March. I already moved back in with my mother after getting hospitalized for lightly poisoning myself one night.

See, we'd had a few arguments every winter but it always cheered by the time seasonal blues left. Not this time. This time he pulled out all the stops and she's basically gone.

We agreed to be separated, cancel the engagement, and date exclusively each week for a year while I try to win her back. Every day that goes by he pushes her farther away and now she doesn't even want to see me aside from the friend she lost in me.

Fun twist? His Girlfriend doesn't ever get told how far they get because she's too clingy since her husband is asexual. I've been promised they did nothing, but boy have they chatted about it. Even found him sleeping in the same bed (she sleeps nude) the other day after hosting him at my apartment with his GF we paid to have visit for the week the morning after his GF left town.

When she chats with just me, her family, or her coworkers she truly loves me... but his entire family and social group go out of their way to control her life and all paint me black. If I so much as say hello to her and they catch wind she has to yell at me to get themy to shut up.

So Friday we are going to watch Sing in theatres. We are going to get a crab melt from a burger joint because she loves it. I'm going to try to get her drunk so she admits everything to me. I'm going to take alcohol and as many muscle relaxers and extra strength painkillers as I can, and probably cut my wrists to seal the deal. I doubt she'll join me. Any advice?
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>Fun twist? His Girlfriend doesn't ever get told how far they get because she's too clingy since her husband is asexual. I've been promised they did nothing, but boy have they chatted about it. Even found him sleeping in the same bed (she sleeps nude) the other day after hosting him at my apartment with his GF we paid to have visit for the week the morning after his GF left town.

im so confused
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OP's slow additional details:
Yes I'm in therapy. Two separate therapists. Been going to the gym regularly since I'm fat but wanted to change that for her when the first sign of troubled emotions appeared. I take Excedrine to get through the day because ripping my heart out emotionally at the sight of anything makes it hard to function. Also hurt my back badly so I only really take it then.

Yesterday we had a small date and a fantastic time. Today she spoke to the ass hole and is willing to cut contact with me entirely if necessary but really doesn't want to lose my friendship. Bullshit.

She thinks she wants him but I've watched him for years take exactly what he wants and leave the leftovers in shambles. No job, bums off his family and us, knows exactly what to say to make people feel sorry for him, especially her.

I was already planning to give a life or a life deal. Me or that social group of outcasts and societal leaches she can't see the bad in. Today just solidified that into a worse state because he got to her first.

I wrote a shifty Last Will and Testament. I have someone who can take my job if it opens (planned for sickness). I have no outstanding debts (<10k, car loan for credit purposes). I'm no burden to society unless my funeral is too expensive.

I've been trying to get better. I saw her through some of the hardest parts of her life and now the ass hole steps in to prevent her from doing the same. My dog, grandfather, and aunt died within three years. The only one left I look up to is my mum and she's hit and miss still since all the shit that went down when her dad started dying.

I want to kill him, but I don't ever want to see him again. It's easier to run away. I've never been allowed to give up or have control over anything major in my life before her. This is my last chance, and I'm taking it unless something miraculous happens. I doubt it.
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>>17990552
Her best friend, the manipulative ass, he has a GF across the state. She is married to an asexual who is okay with this. We spent several hundred dollars to let ass hole and his GF enjoy a week here prior to anything between my fiancee and I going down.
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>>17990576
Asshole's GF is a 0 or 10 only person. Everything is over the top for her. Such as my existence.

She's also super jealous and doesn't know almost anything. I read his chat log one day when he left his computer on (something I have always told him to put to sleep) while out for thexample day, draining power and growing my bill. He comforts her on one side, talks about the shit he'll do with my fiancee when I'm gone on another, and talks with everyone who is in his group about getting rid of me in the third. Locked me out of my own apartment, set up knives and bats for if I stopped by. Such as when I grab clean clothes every four days.
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this situation is so fucked. i don't even know what to say other than i hope somehow you change your mind about killing yourself.
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>>17990589
I could go on for hours about the shit he'll does to me and then whines about so it comes back to bite me. That he threatens to kill me but wipes the log just before I can screencap. That he takes advantage of every time my fiancee is open to suggestions to get what he wants and make her more reliant, or sabotages every last thing I do nice for her and convinces her he did the best thing he could and that she should grovel at his feet for being near her.

But honestly, my mum gave me some advice. Don't have to worry about someone? Don't have to see them? Say Fuck Them and walk away.

I'm done being pushed around and ignored and blamed for everything when all I want is to not have a promise broken. I would move across the world and start a whole new life doing ANYTHING with my fiancee if it meant keeping her and being able to make her happy...

But there's less than half a percent chance it will go that way. And he always knows how to come back and slip into her need to take care of someone in need. To never leave a friend behind.
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>>17990607
let's be honest though. your girlfriend is at fault here too.
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>>17990611
The way I grew up, Therapy just told me that such may actually exist. I have always been at fault.

The biggest problem is I see so much good in everything she does. She memorizes the names of hundreds of regular customers just to see them smile when she calls out. She cooks amazing meals with every portion flavored per person and always gave me plenty to last my work week lunches. My massive libido? Not a problem when she is willing to try Anything to please me. Family in trouble? No such thing. Worlds of expectations and problems can compound near her but she always picks everyone back up. Lights up the room by smiling.

Like sunshine.

When we first hooked up she was solely emotional most times and hints of logic here and there. Horrid bipolar, depression, extreme dependency... now she is off her meds healthily, knows what she wants unless the as asshole gets in the way and tricks her, and we were extremely happy together. We still are unless he is around, and she knows that now and mutes or turns off her phone since he wouldn't let her have five minutes without checking in.

Everyone has their faults, but I would tear myself limb from limb to get another minute with her. The hardest thing is how suggestable she is, since she can be convinced most things are right as long as she is told so. That's how he always got her before.
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>>17990589
This, man. Honestly, just up and fucking leave anyone and everything that has you trapped in that life. Start a new life, and you will feel better.

Getting fired from my job and cutting the woman i loved for years out of my life actually made me a lot happier. Suicide is not the answer, man. You just need change.
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Hey OP, you are a soul currently and temporary habitating a human body of flesh and bones. This is a gift. A gift for you to experiment and enjoy "human life"

DO NOT waste it over a dumb woman. Because the bottomline is shit hit the fan and she's not the right girl for you.
Whatever. There are billions of other females out there, just get into the dating scene. Now if you tell me you suck with women, then improve yourself and the women will come.

Commiting suicide because you're terminally ill is one thing, but over a dumb hoe? Common man.

Get your life back on tracks, forget about her, and in a year from now you're gonna laugh at how stupid you were to even consider killing yourself.

>protip: I've been to the astral plane and saw some of the entities that lurk in the bottom. You do not want to become one of them, which is likely to happen if your heart is filled with pain and anger.

Just man up
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>>17990644
I'm... scared. I've never even let myself feel emotions until her because I always got in trouble, especially with the one ex I had prior who only used me when I was convenient.

When my fiancee and I would chat all goofy or loving, we always promised to be able to move on if anything happened... then we promised to never move on. To be together. Just us, some kids, a dog and a cat, the house on the hill (step grandmother who killed my mom's dad sold our family home when it was supposed to legally be mine so that set us back).

I don't even know what to do unless I'm taking care of someone else. Never have. Years and years of never knowing what could happen in the next second and even abuse feels better than going back to the ignorance and apathy I had before.

Where would I go? What would I do? I can fucking do anything I put my mind to, except if it's for myself or requires hurting someone. Got in a huge car wreck because I tried to not hurt a squirrel and missed the massive truck running a red at me.

I digressed. I could. It's still death of the now. But I would have to kill the Asshole. He is best friends with the guy who raped her every day for three years and monthly for a long time after. I can't let her get more hurt.

It's just so much faster to think of giving up. I've spent years with suicidal thoughts, but she was always there to help me.
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you don't really want to kill yourself.

you're in a shitty situation and you made this thread and you're crying for help and that's fine.

just understand that you came here to help process your thoughts, not for us to "help you plan your death". whether you realize that or not it's true.

you're depressed. see a therapist and slowly start cutting her out of your life. she is as fault here.
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>>17990664
You are all pretty legit. I'm mad I never tried talking sooner.

I know it is probably cliche to defend her from the cruelty, but I'm also extremely invested in her, possibly from my naivety. I've never valued my own life, not until I lived it for her, first as a friend then as a lover. She taught me how to talk to people, to make friends, to not feel like every single thing I do has to make me hate myself (really impressive after my ex)... I wouldn't be me before her. Makes it hard as hell to want it after.
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>>17990666
Only you can make the decision that you've had enough, and you will only be able to make it when you have truly had enough. But when is enough is enough, and you pick yourself up and dust yourself off, you will discover a self-reapect for yourself that you didn't know you had. You will feel like, and be, a much a stronger person.

https://youtu.be/5JfvAPZGjds
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>>17990677
I don't. But I do, too. Because I cannot see anything that isn't what is already chosen.

I don't want to fuck up when I go. I want to make sure first that there's no chance with her. To hate myself a lot. To dig at Rock bottom. Then I don't want to wait until shit gets better again. It took me 6 long years to stop constantly hurting myself and punishing myself with no good reason before I had any connection.

When I was in the hospital for ODing the other week the only reason the doc said I survived was because I kept such a low heart rate through my meditation and breath control that I didn't get enough in my blood by the time I was puking. Some science shit about my metabolism thinking I was asleep. IDFK. I failed and my "cry for help" caused worse problems because the medical staff were looking to pin it on my fiancee slipping me something even with the doggy bag of pills that came out of me.
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>>17990689
Elton John is amazing but I totally thought that would be Tub Thumping by Chubawomba (sp?).
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>>17990700
I mean I'm assuming your girlfriend knows you tried to kill yourself...

She's just letting you do this to yourself?

How?
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>>17990706
She called 911 on me after calling everyone she could figure out in order to try and get advice while I was debating coming clean in time.

After that she got stuck behind because Asshole demanded she not go to the hospital with me, saying it would be better for me blah blah blah.

Anyhow, his dad made sure he never left her side and that she was not allowed any decisions without their while family's approval first. Being that they pay him to stay in their home, not even to do anything, and adore my Fiancée since she and I always helped out when they had any issues (I just let her take the credit because I hate the spotlight) they wanted to never let her leave. Took a weekend and Asshole stayed at our place almost ever since, barring when I finally told him to piss off after the vacation (and he now makes sure my Fiancée is never off the phone with him if he knows she is awake)...

But he is great at feigning that she needs it. When she talks with her coworkers or her family they all adore us and me, but then he steps in with some smooth lies about her head feeling better (he stopped slipping a drug he uses that she has bad side effects to into her drinks when he left) because I'm gone and cloned our fucking key to sneak in when we are both at work. He swears he didn't but I'm the only one who eats pineapple and I lose three cans a day when I only use one.

Other food too but I love my pineapple so it's easy to track when I monitor my intake.
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>>17990644
>>17990664
You are still really fucking me up when I reread these.

Curse that that shit actually works. Fucking humans, surviving everything. I grew up coding and with my dog. I don't understand this flexible shit. It's Really scary to consider.


...I guess, maybe, just maybe... eh, I don't even know what. Whether I die or move I'm not going to stay in this goddamned town anymore. But with a history of addiction in my family I'm deathly afraid of succumbing, especially with how I'm already relying on pain killers to survive this week.

Unrelated: Fucking Captcha pictures.
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>>17990540
Hey OP, I don't know if it makes a difference, but coming from an asexual girl's perspective, your girlfriend has done nothing but hurt you. She's obviously not committed to you and is a mental basket case, just like the rest of the people in your story aside from maybe your mother. Let her go. Let all of them go. Start a new life, surround yourself with good people, healthy people, people who love you. Maybe you think this woman loves you, but I can guarantee with what she's put you through, it isn't enough. People can't just say they love you and act like that despite their mental cases. If they truely loved you, they wouldn't do this to you. I know what it's like to be at the bottom of the barrel, and believe me I have been suicidal too many times to count, but I always realized at that
1.) you are not in a healthy state of mind when you are suicidal and when you are you will not want to do it so you just have to find out how to get as healthy as you can which leads to
2.) You are not in a stable or safe situation when you are suicidal, and you need to find whatever means possible to get the fuck out
3.) There are people out there who will help you and are willing to if you reach out. It could be anyone, relitives, friends, hotlines, ANYONE
4.) You need to learn to live for yourself, not other people. Other people do not matter in your life, YOU do. This is your life. Make yourself happy, live for yourself, do what you want to do, fuck all these other people, TREAT YO SELF.
You will always, always find that you do not hate yourself, and you do not hate your life, but you hate the situation in which your life has found itself. You do not want to end your life, you want it to change.
And if you honestly planned on double suicide, you should check yourself into a mental institution immediately. They really are there to help, do not be afraid, they will take care of you.
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>>17990777
I'm gonna be honest and type parts of my reply while still reading since copy+paste sucks on my phone.

My mum was only Really bad for the last couple years because of her dad. But she's still not the nicest woman in the world since my extremely opinionated sister wants everyone to know she got upset that a shoelace was a centimeter longer than the other, let alone anything serious. Elections have been Hell.

My views of love are skewed by my childhood of rape. If I'm pleasing someone then they care, whether or not that is true, and with my childhood and my ex teaching me that sexual gratification is the greatest reward finding a woman who didn't just view me as a toy she wouldn't have to clean up alongside not feeling absolutely disgusting for getting off are strong motivators. When things aren't Naughty I'm still super happy with her, I'm just really new to feeling my own pleasure in a positive way.

1/2 Damn straight. I work in a very niche part of insurance and I know a thing or two about contracts. Took a very long time to get a Will written on my own. I'm almost always below safe when alone. Something Therapy has been trying to help me with.

3 I have my local Therapist. He's a great guy. He's the only one who isn't my fiancee who doesn't ridicule me for being less than capable of taking care of myself.

4 You scary into that motivation. That's great, and I'm genuinely happy for you. Still got a lot of work to get it going for me... which is hard to look for during hard times.

Hospital ridicule pissed me off. Nice officer willing to take me to stay at a mental health place every time I was worried about doing something before was great. It not helping aside from being a lock and key was not so great. Asshole making her want to end things with me this Friday instead of next year like we all agreed making it extremely hard. Especially since he basically has a knife to my throat for trying to talk with her...

I'm curious about asexuality.
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>>17990844
Same person here
Also, that family has extreme issues. I'm a survivor of a very mentally ill cultic family somewhat similar to what you are describing. I had to cut myself off from most all my family. It's the hardest thing ever, but you just have to cut yourself off from those people, because being around non mentally sane people turns you just as crazy, but you can survive it if you cut contact with those people. I know it's hard, I only had few friends I could turn to, otherwise I was completely alone, and it doesn't seem worth it at first to have no one over someone who is ill because we all want human attention, but believe me, it is far better to have no friends/family then to have many who drive you to insanity. I was suicidal, delusional, constantly paranoid, I couldn't tell reality from fiction, and hallucinated at times but I survived. I don't know if you're experiencing similar things, but if you are, it's not you, it's what you have become from being around these people. You can't make your girlfriend realize what these people are doing, it's time to save yourself because you can't save other people, they have to save themselves. I am not peachy king now, but I am better, and my mental state is far far more healthy then it was then, and as time passes I keep getting better, and you can too. I'm with you. I don't know if you've been told you are loved yet today OP, but you deserve to be told everyday so here it goes: I love you. You are a beautiful human being with great potential to do great things in this world because you are worth it. You are young and have so much more life to live, don't through your life away.
As for asexuality, I'm repulsed by sex and do not feel sexual attraction. It is different for different asexuals though. Some people don't mind sex, but don't see the point either, and don't feel sexual attraction.
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>Killing yourself over a relationship
>Meanwhile millions of people get their heart broken and move on
>Meanwhile people have real reasons to kill themselves i.e. debts, becoming a hobo, death of relatives, amputations, terminal diseases. And yet they still don't.
You are a man-child of the highest caliber who just to slot his wrists so he can "show her how much she hurts him". Break up, rage a bit, throw some insults and grow the fuck up.
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>>17990862
You are a beautiful being with a lot of future ahead and a lot of learning from your experiences all around you. I hoped one day to be like that. My biggest fear, at least that I did a speech on years ago, was of being forgotten, especially after I am gone... it turns out I'm far more afraid of it when I'm around than of not leaving the imprint I dreamed of.

I've only ever made friends with big egos, so I'm used to not mattering most of the time. It was always when they finished their day that I existed... even if only for that moment.

I hear voices, but that's it. After screwing up my ears I have issues hearing what people say and constantly have to replay it to get meaning, but then things play on their own, especially when I'm alone.

I respect your stance on sex and while it is apparent we have polar views I hope whatever is technically healthiest for you comes in time and you never have to be forced to "conform."

Shame I don't know how smiles and orgasms aren't required to be related when I talk to most people...
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>>17990895
The thing is, I'm not. I'm not special, I'm a normal person just like you. You are capable of everything I am. I'm scared of my future, because I don't know if I have one. I don't know if I'll get into college because I can't pay, which has always been a fear of mine. I always figured I would just kill myself if I didn't graduate highschool, but now I've realized that it's not that big of a deal. I mainly just want to get the fuck away from the rest of my family, because I can be happy if I'm not surrounded by toxic bull crap, just like you. I'll find a way, because there is always a way. When you get thrown down, tough love and get the fuck back up because only you are in charge of your life. Refusing to not find a way to make yourself healthy and happy isn't anyone's fault but yours. I'm not happy. I'm depressed and mentally ill and my home life situation is extremely fucked up, and I am ugly on the inside, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the beautiful things on the outside in this world. There's a whole lot of ugly, but don't let it blind you from the beauty.
As for your fear, it doesn't matter. We're all going to die some day and you were a part of many other people's lives no matter how bug or how small. Not everyone can be Mozart. Drop all big expectations and dreams you have for yourself and future, because right here, right now is the only thing that matters in this moment, not some fantasized future.
>I've only ever made friends with big egos, so I'm used to not mattering most of the time.
If you want to do something, do it. If you want attention, get it (in a healthy way of course). No one matters in your life more than you.
>hearing vioces
This is what I was talking about, I had very similar issues. I hope you talk to your therapist about this and about your sexual issues because you need to if you haven't, and I mean all of it.
>never have to be forced to "conform"
I appreciate, it's been a difficult lesson to learn.
>>
Now that I've had nine hours to brood, I'm still convinced of my own lack of self worth. I've contacted for a couple emergency sessions prior to anything going down but the rush of self empowerment usually only lasts an hour after at best.

I've got nowhere to run and my bank account is practically empty, but I've packed a couple hundred dollars for gas and any clothes I'm not gonna wear so either they're ready to go with me or they're ready to go without me.

I've got at least twenty muscle relaxers and a lot of cheap, hard alcohol to start off a great night of bullshit, plus a Costco double x hundred helping of extra strength Excedrine to wash it down, which I doubt I'll get to finish before passing out or risking puking. Blades are pretty dull but I found a nice set of sharp, lightly serrated ones from a present not too long ago that will do nicely.

I was going to write something but I figure if I can't say it then, it wouldn't be worth it now. Wound up with a lump of comments to old "friends," only one of which I've stayed in contact with at all in the last four years. Took the If Tomorrow Starts Without Me poem and set it beside my Will. Easy to find the stuff if you look and I'm not in the way.

Called the local Suicide Hotline. Was on hold for 20 minutes. Tried again, 35. Checked with my insurance, they don't not cover much but they're not sure the several hundred a day of a mental facility would even reach the debate of being covered. Maybe not the best choice for me anyhow.

Snarky support person at the local Healthcare places can't find anything in my vast network that will accept my insurance. Sounded more like he didn't check.

Drew a picture. I don't draw much since my arm got fried and I get sad thinking about the hobby. But I drew anyways. It looks like junk but I'm somehow okay with the lack of perfection today.

Tried crying. Still figuring that out. Felt more useless after instead of better.
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>>17991453
I'm not an expert or anything, but... take some melatonin and Zzzquil and just sleep for a while. Play some video games or any hobby, anything that'll get your mind off of it. I was feeling suicidal last weekend myself and just some rest was enough for me to snap out of it.

I know you love her dearly, Anon. I know it'll take a long time for the wounds to heal. Maybe it'll take years. But if there's anything I know for sure, ending your one and only life over a relationship just isn't worth it.
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>>17990884
Move on for me, then. I won't stop you.

Ah, yes. The aforementioned deaths of my beloved aunt, grandfather, and dog; the only three of my family I cared about, are clearly irrelevant. And yes, damnit, my dogs were always family.

The string of suicides from the Great Depression were predominately following the purchase of Life Insurance prior to it having a no suicide for two years clause. This caused many companies at the time to go down, too. Debt really isn't a leading cause.

I'm living on a chair and it would have been my office chair this whole month if it weren't for the previous failed attempt forcing me to put up with my half sister and her antics instead.

I don't want to show her. That might hurt her. I want to see her happy one last time, then never wake back up. Throw insults? Friend, I have always been at fault no matter who caused the problem. I don't even know how to get angry if it isn't concerning the safety of someone in my charge, primarily my vehicle versus crazy drivers.
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OP here.

>>17991460
Alas, I'm actually extremely tolerant to drugs. High grade muscle relaxers do for me what aspirin does for most.

I'm also subject to horrible nightmares as of the last few months, and atop my very minor insomnia, I have sleep apnea and sleep paralysis that usually fuse both in my dreams and when I may have properly woken up. Most issues come from never knowing when I'm actually awake. I'd love to know what a good rest is. That was never something I got outside of summer. At least I pass out nightly if I work out.

Time doesn't heal any wounds, it just lets you work with them a little better. The ever impending feeling of a tidal wave about to crash over you is only able to be dealt with, not forgotten. Having all this shit hit me in the face every hour of every day makes it a little hard for me to recover.

I tried many exercises my therapists told me of. Full relaxation, think happy thoughts (I still haven't found a solid one), meditation and intense distraction... they only lasted a few minutes at first. Now I'm lucky to get them up and running before I wind up in a disgusting heap of useless tears without even knowing what happens in between. The blanking out makes it worse, imho.

Side note, my IP address is probably gonna change if it has not already done so. I'll try to tag OP here at the top.
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>>17991491
Does jerking off help? The dopamine might clear the fog up just a little bit.

Better than alcohol which does nothing but intensify the mood you're in.
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>>17991514
Sadly, it does not. My ex taught me to be disgusted with myself so that she could better control me, and unless my orgasm comes from some manner direct contact with my Fiancée that alone has made me suicidal in the past.

The correlation of sexual satisfaction being a requirement for happiness isn't gone, I'm just so thoroughly trained to hate myself at the mere thought of an erection that my counter training was solely to make it okay situationally, and thus my Fiancée and her willingness to assist even with no inkling of a mood herself meant I could survive for a while. Even now, as long as Asshole hasn't gotten to her, she tries to breach the subject knowing how important it is for me.

Found out that Asshole's father won't let her bus whenever possible and forces her to drive the long way home with him so he can convince her to want to run away from me.
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>When she chats with just me, her family, or her coworkers she truly loves me... but his entire family and social group go out of their way to control her life and all paint me black. If I so much as say hello to her and they catch wind she has to yell at me to get themy to shut up.

What the hell is Asshole and his family telling you fiance about you, which she apparently believes and accepts? Or are they holding her against her will?

In other words, what is your fiance's actual opinions on the situation. Is she aware that she is being controlled/manipulated by other people?
>>
OP here. Trying to hop on computer.
>>17991604

(Excuse me possibly messing up how I'm supposed to use Greentext.)
>What the hell is Asshole and his family saying
>"Your coworkers say you're so much happier without him around."
Bullshit, we've talked to them and they really support our slow dating to see about recovery.
> "Your headache is finally gone now that he's not around."
I restate the slipping of bad meds to her. She never had a problem unless Asshole was able to be around for at least a few minutes, and her previous headache was a weird long-term sinus-infection-like-thing that I finally convinced her to go to the doctor about. That finally helped.
>"He's stalking you. You should feel stalked."
Says the Asshole not letting her go two hours without a phone call of some kind. We agreed to try not to contact each other for a couple weeks since we've never gone more than 24 hours without such. The first week really didn't go all too well. The second week went great, it was when everyone was over at our apartment except for me, but Monday we went shopping as we'd agreed, Wednesday she got in touch with me because she forgot something in the car Monday, Friday I needed some clothes and had agreed to slip in while she was out but wound up finding Asshole's computer on and read his chat history, and Saturday/Sunday I left my car there overnight while I was out with a friend as the Designated Driver, went to go get it Sunday and ask how her D&D session went (she can stay up all night excited if it went well) but instead saw both their phones by our bed.
>"You should just rip that bandage of a human off and throw it away."
Asshole's dad there. He lied that he supported our decisions to my face not earlier that day.
>"You would love my last name instead of his. Let's get married."
She was vulnerable and snapped but he kept pushing until she said anything to get him to shut up, and he did this for months until she finally said she would consider it.
(Cont'd next)
>>
(OP Cont'd)
>>17991604
>>17991631

>"He's being super emo! Get rid of him!"
I quoted part of an episode of Sherlock and explicitly mentioned it.
>"If my GF could get over her jealousy we could have an orgy all week. Until then I'll keep biting your neck when you can't make noise in worry for her."
Neck biting is a serious turn on for my Fiancee, but she wants it only from me, BUT she won't start a fight no matter what. He literally pulled this shit when I was around and somehow spun it as my fault for assuming the teeth marks were teeth marks. She told him to stop but she wouldn't say so if someone else could get upset by noticing since she's horrified of confrontation.
>"I'll fucking kill [later redacted] him if he tries anything."
>"If you so much as touch her I'll rip you a new asshole."
>"I doubt he'll fucking do anything with his mum around anyways, but I have some weapons just in case."
>Found my baseball bat collection and a few open knives littered around wherever he hid.
This one is absolute shit. I even have video of myself walking through the house and discovering this shit but I doubt it'll get away without saying it's doctored since I was alone taking it. I mentioned it to Fiancee and she looked really confused and didn't know how to reply, but every time I mentioned a blade she said it was for Asshole's GF to do something with sewing... Despite never doing that in the guest room. The fact that he would need at least two knives and two bats is absolute shit.
>"I can't wait until [me] is gone so I can fuck you nice and hard all weekend."
This shit continued for ages alongside the neck biting. She turned him down in worry of his GF and not wanting to go against her promises with me but he kept swearing up and down that it was okay (while telling his GF nothing would ever happen at the Exact same time). She still turned him down.
>Finding them in our bed.
D&D went to 2 AM and she was exhausted. She sleeps nude. He slipped in when she was already in bed.
>>
(OP Cont'd)
>>17991604
>>17991631
>>17991639

[There is nearly no space when you get into typing. @[email protected]]

She told him to leave the room when she woke up and I mentioned noticing him. He locked himself in the guest room with my blanket and what I later found out was my ex-roommate's bladed brass knuckles. (It's technically his room but he sort of moved out months ago and we've been telling him to get his stuff since.)

>"I swear I won't do anything, and I'll give her space as well"
He says to me, at the same time messaging her
>"Come on, tell me you love me again and I'll play nice. I'll get rid of him soon."
I went fucking crazy inside about this kind of shit. He won't let her leave his side or do anything unless she says it, and she seemed genuinely uncomfortable for hours after for the first couple of weeks, and it's gradually been seeming more convincing each time. Now she's set that she loves him, but doesn't have a clue why, that she wants to marry him and spend her life with him, but doesn't even think of being around him or seeing him again until he starts pestering her about spending any time with me. If he fucking disappeared the world would be different. Better. By far.

>"If he's gone, there's nothing stopping you from following your dreams."
I'm, to toot my own horn, the reason she even has an idea of what she wants to do. Cooking. She wants a small family style place full of friendliness and home cooked meals. She spent years unsure of what she wanted until we had a long few weeks going over what she might have interest in. She's going to take classes on that, and I made sure she got her driving permit (always got yelled at for trying prior to me) so that she can look to getting a license & setting her own schedule.

We have gotten in fights about sleeping times. She never wanted to stay up late until Asshole said she could pin being tired on me. That he "wouldn't be able to survive" if she left him alone at those hours. Her sleep schedule is now fucked.
>>
(OP wrapping that up.)
>>17991604
>>17991631
>>17991639
>>17991673

[Now I know why everyone says type this stuff ahead of time!]

>"I'll live with you. You can't live alone. I'll take care of everything."
She's been trying to be more independent as time has grown on and he's causing her to regress constantly. Whenever she feels good about doing something on her own he basically says it would be far better if it was for him, but with some Hitler class effectiveness at the time. She wants to live alone and not touch being in a relationship for a while, save our weekly dates, but he won't let her spend two days without meeting up with him again now that he feels he can call the cops about me if I so much as breathe.

Yes, I checked my legal rights. In my State, if I so much as suspect he'd use a weapon against me or dare assault me with any intent to harm, I am legally safe to kill him outright in self defense and at least hold him at gunpoint until he leaves the premises. I mentioned this to her but she didn't reply, just stopped being concerned about the "stalking" comments he made about me and has been "working hard to stop associating the idea with me since she knows it's not one and the same and I'm a good guy" while he forces it on her harder each time he hears I took a breath.

She also knows they all think I'm a bad guy. She tries bragging about what I'm doing for myself and it's met with such cruelty for bringing me up in any light besides positive that she is forced, usually with them watching, to chat me up and get upset about something. She always sounds apprehensive but the shit that comes always gets harsher the longer she had to get yelled at.

They do shit like hide our couple's pictures, take her phone and wipe her texts with me except the bad ones despite the hours of good ones. They also monitor all of her conversations before she's allowed to chat if she's anywhere near one of them IRL, which is often since like I said Asshole won't let alone.
>>
>>17991639
>"He's being super emo! Get rid of him!"

I understand that you had a rough childhood and have psychological issues. Is Asshole technically 'mentally healthy'? As in, is the angle that he is coming from, that *he* is psychologically find but you have too much issues and that this is a drain on your fiance?

>"I'll fucking kill [later redacted] him if he tries anything".
>"If you so much as touch her I'll rip you a new asshole".
>"I doubt he'll fucking do anything with his mum around

What is it that he thinks you will do? Why would he think this, and why would your fiance listen to this from him and accept it?

>They also monitor all if her conversations before she's allowed to chat

This is incredible. How does she not know that she is being aggressively controlled. They aren't even her biological family! In fact, where *is* her biological family on all of this?

Is your fiance very weak-willed? Extremely avoiding of conflict? How can she have let it get to this stage?
>>
(OP)
>>17991714

>"Is Asshole technically 'mentally healthy'?"
He's definitely not "healthy," but he's a lot better... when she's not around. His "problems" show up when she can take care of him and mysteriously vanish until he wants something. Problem is, she refuses to accept this because he does it with Everyone near him and makes his dependency entirely something they think they want to do. He did it to me until Fiancee and I first hooked up then he started slowly making everything I did Satanic in their eyes except Fiancee's, but now she's around him enough that it takes a while to notice when she's swayed and she apologizes if she does find out that she was influenced but doesn't seem to learn from it.

>"What is it he thinks you will do?"
I don't really know. His GF blew my thought about not being sure of being safe a couple weeks ago (just before I tried to kill myself) and even before then he was an ass.
>"Why would Fiancee listen[...]?"
He's always `joked` about being able to get rid of me. Especially with his rapist friend (who finally moved out of state). He also had a lifetime of aggression that he "keeps in check just fine" now. I don't think it seems unnatural to her anymore, even insofar as him constantly keeping an open knife in his pocket when I'm around. He used to strangle her and hit her but that was twelve years ago and I've already given evidence on how she's hard to give up on people. I have no text logs saying I would even want to hurt him because I'm more conscious of the law than I am subject to aggression.

>"How does she not know?"
Pic. If I'm made to be the big problem she can ignore any other problem going on until I don't exist. I am never free from hatred in chats so that she can think for herself.

>"Where *is* her biological family[...]?"
Really fucking complicated. Most are nearby and all of them love me. I'll give a low-down in another post.

>"Weak-willed?"
Not necessarily. Stubborn as a mule & fights any rules pushed onto her.
>>
(OP)
>>17991714
>>17991742

>"Extremely avoiding of conflict?"
Yes. Usually. Always felt safe talking about all of her problems with me since I wouldn't judge her and I was her rock. Then we hooked up and Asshole convinced her that I would hurt her for being open, and she now states that being worried about being open is what she hates and she wants the friendship back for that. She's never had a friend as close as me and she really, really misses it. But Asshole keeps assuring her that all I do is lie that we can be both friends and lovers at the same time.

>"How can she have let it get to this stage?"
With the headache since July and three-and-a-half years of pushing before then, plus winter blues hitting in, my grandfather dying and dealing with the fallout of over a million (almost all of it) dollars of his property and estate being sold off by the Step-Bitch to go to her family and leave us to suffer, it was hard to notice him building a wall between us. Especially since as soon as her headache went away she was really happy... Until he very suddenly visited every single weekend and made sure she couldn't be alone with me. Her headache came back after that and right when it hit and they were losing their shit at me she said she wanted to step back and evaluate her life.

>"Biological family."
Lemme try mapping this out for you, but it ain't necessary for the replies so I'll do it next.
>>
(OP)
>>17991714
"Biological family."

Okay. Her genetic mum (F1) and dad (M1) had her, then ten years later had another kid. Her little sister.
EXTREMELY rare genetic defect, she died at 2. Fiancee loved her to death and has massive survivor's guilt, like wondering how she was skipped on the death row.

M1 is in the military. M1 and F1 cheated on each other for a while during his overseas stays. Got a divorce. F1 got married again to M2. M1 got married again to F2. Now, they're both used to slightly open relationships.

M2 wound up knocking up a woman that they used to hook up with and now has a son. He hooked up with another lady, F3, and the relationship nearly fell apart... Then F1 and F3 fell in love. More in love than with M2. They're now a threesome but he's basically an accessory. They still see and take care of M2's son but rarely visit his mom or godmother, who take care of him most of the week.

M1 and F2 have three kids, the oldest one is F2's daughter and the younger two are biologically M1 and F2's. They JUST (a couple months ago) opened their relationship up since F2 has been doing therapy for over 8 years to even want to touch her children but suddenly realized she was okay with it. I don't have a fucking clue.

F2 wrecked the relationship with Fiancee but is finally trying to make up for it. M1 gave Fiancee an extreme daddy complex and still kind of tries to make up for her extreme abandonment issues. She takes M1 as God when they chat twice or thrice a year.

M1 and F2 live a state south of us. About 8 hours of driving with decent travel time. Damn near everyone else lives within an hour of us.

Fiancee LOVES her family, no matter how bad they've been to her. Wouldn't ever want to give them up. That's why she won't happily move anywhere on a whim.

When she was a small child, she was raped by the pedophile she lived with. Between 4 and 6 or 7 years old. She never knew it was wrong until years later, and so she's used to thinking abuse is still love.
>>
>>17991742

I have to go to bed, so I'll have to give my opinion of the situation now:

1. Do not harm or kill Asshole (within reason - if he straight up comes at you with a crowbar, knock his ass out)
-This isn't some 'take the higher road' airy fairy stuff, but simple logical necessity. The reason is because of Asshole's family and social circle, and the power they have in this situation. Look at what they've done already *without* any evidence or good reason - how they've made everything your fault and have as a team effort, made your life hell. If any harm comes to Asshole, all of them will be antagonized and you can be sure that they will do the same and work together, but this time in a legal context. They will pin everything on you, (and will likely lie and commit fraud to do so). In this case your life will be truly destroyed.

What I would do is, very covertly, build up evidence against him for use if the worst should happen (if he does attack your or something). I know you said he manages to delete chat logs before you can screencap them, but there are always ways to make it happen. If I were you when you accessed his logged on accounts, I would have been able to take screenshots, save them to a removable device, and shred the local copies on the computer, all without leaving much of a trace. Hell, you could have even just taken a photo of the screen with your smartphone. Research. Learn about this stuff.

I would invest in cameras for my house; a dashcam for my car, etc. Basically things that can potentially protect you in legal cases against him/them. It's clear he wants to destroy you and is unhinged enough for it to be a real risk. You need to be ready.

2. It seems to me the key in this situation is making your fiance consciously realize that she is being manipulated.
-I don't know you or your fiance, but I can imagine myself doing something like literally outlining all the facts clearly and concisely in bullet points on a piece of paper, and
>>
giving it to her to read in a one-on-one situation. What is being done to her is often done in textbook abusive relationships. Perhaps research that and also show her the points on how she is clearly in an [emotionally] abusive relationship herself. As a thought experiment, try to have her juxtapose someone else into her situation, to better see the absurdity of it. Eg, Ask your fiance if she thinks it's normal in any sense of the word, if one of her random female acquaintances' boyfriend's family imposed restrictions on the acquaintance the same way Asshole's family does to your fiance.

Some other things you may want to mention:
-The fact that Asshole has physically abused her in the past
-Asshole is still friends with the guy that raped her
-Asshole sees it fit to cheat on his 'GF' with your fiance. What makes your fiance think that Asshole won't cheat again later down the line?
-[If she sees/accepts that Asshole is manipulating her]: If this is what Asshole and his family are doing now, what other things could they make her do by subverting her will/agency in the future?

Unfortunately, your fiance seems very emotional in her decision-making (as a lot of women are), and it seems that Asshole is tuned exactly to emotional manipulation, to a high degree. So logic may simply not work. Apart from this, you could try appealing to her emotions yourself, however this would be rather complex to break down, and would require a detailed knowledge of both of your psyches, and so I have no advice here.


3. Failing this, leave
You can bring the horse to the water, but you can't make it drink. Unfortunately, your fiance may be too far gone in psycholical manipulation for you to break her out. It has to be from her own will - and that, precisely, is what they've achieved a control of via subversion - her will/agency. Barring circumstance, it could even be impossible for her to see things objectively. In this case, it's time to cut your losses and get out.
>>
4. Don't kill yourself.
This advice can seem rather dumb. But I've been in situations with emotions and emotional states so strong, you simply can't see straight or think clearly. You know how your fiance has been subjected to an emotional state where she can't see things objectively (and it's so clear to you and us)? Well, it is very likely that right now, *you* are in one too, regarding your consideration of suicide. Further, in my opinion, you would essentially letting Asshole win.

I think the best scenario is for you to leave. To go somewhere far, far away and completely new. To change your contact details and delete all contacts with everyone in this situation, even your fiance. Check yourself in with a new therapist, with the purpose of the therapy being to help you move on. This thought exists with the objective for success being *your* wellbeing - with or without the people you are involved with right now. Which is what we all in this thread want for you. I understand that your impetus for living has been centered around other people, but please, take it from people who have been there, that the objectively best scenario is for you to live for your own fulfillment. That is not to say to disregard other people - just that when push comes to shove, you will stand for your own rights and wellbeing -- and survival.

As for the logistics of this: You have a job, and little debt. It is absolutely possible. Ideally move to another country, but failing that, try find a job or something right across the country. And for the love of god, do everything you can to *stay away* from this poisonous environment you are inflicted with right now.

I would say something like 'we're rooting for you; don't let us down!', but I realize that that's quite obnoxious. It's your life and what you do with it is up to you. But I sincerely hope you make it through this/out of there, OP. it would truly be so sad to know, if you did decide to give it up and end it.
>>
Regardless, best of luck, friend. My thoughts are with you.
>>
>>17991870
1: You're totally right about that. His GF literally said "If [OP] decide [Asshole] or [his GF] did anything, it ends in blood."

>"When [OP] accessed his logged on accounts"
I felt dumb the instant I logged out initially, since he's got mountains of shit there. I'm normally really on top of things but I was so upset I forgot how to do anything until a few hours of chatting with people later.

>"Invest in cameras, dashcam, etc."
I really want to but I kept fighting against it because it was all about proving I trust my Fiancee. Now I'm down a few hundred bucks because of him and may barely make the bills that come out this week. Honestly also into getting a keylogger from Brickhouse and such, but again, kept putting it off to prove Trust. Thing is, it's him, not her, that I don't trust. Well... It was. I'm not so sure anymore if I can believe what she says when she's willing to toss it out for Asshole's social circle beliefs.
Being ready is hard when I feel like a creep.
Also, our lease is up in March, and she intends to move out. Preferably on her own but I'm not sure anymore as each time it gets stronger vibes of "she can't do anything on her own" when she wants to and I know she can.

2: Really hard to do anything like that when he always seems to "KNOW" the instant we start talking about anything. It's... kind of like he bugged the place levels of precision. Really freaky. When we go out and chat on our own AND leave our phones behind it's safe, but we like to keep it happy then and I don't want her to walk out on a conversation that she might think "proves him right..." Fuck me I'm a betafag.

We previously did a "what if we were talking about [x] and [y] and [z] instead" situation and it seemed to work well, but she has serious issues not justifying something for herself, at least sincerely.

>"Other things to mention"
Sadly,
-"But he's changed"
-"But they Barely talk anymore!" (from everyone)
>>
>>17991870

-"It's okay because it's open" ...Fuck that. It's only even coming up to her about things being `open` for a relationship because he forced this on her all these years. She's never been non-monogamous and is quite jealous, but she gets angry at the idea that she might be monogamous now because she's `come to accept otherwise.` Which really proves itself false if Asshole isn't around.
-If it ever comes to that kind of realization, holy fuck it'll be a weird change. It's difficult to figure out how it would hold, too, since he's got that way with words he practiced his whole life for. I hope it does come to that, though... Cutting him out of her life once before was a really good thing for her. There's never not been a problem with him around. (Then a few months later he came back "suicidal" but was totally fine and Creepily Happy when she wasn't around, and made her swear to never stop talking with him)

>"Very emotional in her decision-making"
Hammering the nail on the head. She's still working on taking a step back to breathe before shouting, doing a lot better... until Asshole now appears during that step to keep her from making such. The damage is always done long before she has time to realize what happened.

>"Appealing to her emotions"
This is really awkward for me since I'm not used to emotions & I hate feeling manipulative, so I'd need to ask around and do a lot of research, but I agree with you there.

3: That's why I'm in my current boat.
4: The current "boat" issue. There are way too many problems I have suddenly gained to know how to cope on my own, but you're right... If I can ever accept that.
If I go he also wins. Fuck. Caught in that mindset.

>"Live for your own fulfillment."
I can't even eat for myself, let alone cook. I've become a goddamned slave. It's taxing to try and work on, but I'm logically trying. Emotionally? Debatable

>"Another country"
The Canadian border is close enough.

>"Best of luck."
...I need anything I can get.
>>
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(OP)
>Minor update:
We have the arranged date Friday, but I will also be driving her home from work Thursday. This was chosen of my own volition so that we get a moment unrelated to the date to just be human. I can't exactly ask her not to talk with Asshole et al until the date, want to or otherwise, but I don't know how much to ask. What I'm currently thinking I should do is request simply that nothing of our plans are chatted about ahead of time and that she doesn't contact anyone after work.

Much as I would enjoy a thorough analysis of her chat logs, I will likely avoid it entirely. We will watch the movie, eat, probably get a hot chocolate, I will take her back to the apartment, and hopefully we will get a little drunk. Pending on how conversations go, I may stay the night or leave everything behind, one way or another. I may show her this thread if things go to shit. I'll read her some sappy poetry and if she doesn't want to date me as promised then I'll beg for her to lie to me for the evening so she doesn't give worse feelings and we can maybe enjoy one last night together.

I've basically packed anything that isn't furniture or technology since I don't really give a damn about much besides my bed and that won't fit anywhere. At least there won't be much to clean up either way.

I'm going to try and give her the best date that being poor atm can buy, and probably... probably never look back. If it weren't for the alcohol thing, I would get us a hotel room. Unless smuggling drinks in there sounds better somehow.

I'll bring my Will and something I still need to pick out to draw just in case. Pic related, I speed drew an Eevee (her fave) for her.
Maybe a stuffed animal. She loves those. If it weren't for how upset she may be at the idea I'd say we hit Build-A-Bear one more time.

I currently work in a tiny family business so moving seems really hard, but... I don't know. All I can do is code a countdown clock and wait to see...

One last chance.
Any ideas?
>>
Killing yourself over pussy? Whew man, I'm a fucking pussy myself so I do not say this often but: Man the fuck up and go find your balls.

I mean I assumed you had sex before so you probably have balls and aren't as pathetic as me, so when I can manage to keep on living even though I want to throw myself in front of the metro every morning so can you man
>>
>>17992384
Kind of the tough part there. Much as I thoroughly enjoy a good romp in the hay I've always been very feminine. Closing that part off is a great deal of what made her less interested, whereas I thought it was the opposite at the time. I lost who I finally realized I was because I was too scared to be myself, and now trying to be myself is killing me.

I have a "nice pair," but I don't live with them on display. Rolling over was life until recently but now that I know it ain't I have no idea what to do with myself without the one person who made me feel like that.

I'm a fucking beta fag. Whatever. If it weren't for legal reasons I'd follow my dreams a bit more. Too much of a pussy to do so now that it's basically too late. Maybe if I turn that around... I'll fuck up either way. Worth a shot?
>>
>>17992417
Well what stops you from going on? I have been living on a Day to Day basis for the past five years?
Suicide is on my mind daily, sometimes more sometimes less but its basically always there. Eventually I got in a mindset of just taking days one at a time. Examining my situation and realize that I have no need to kill myself just yet as I can still possibly do that tomorrow.

Maybe if my parents were to realize that I wasted the last two years at university and they would kick me out of the house, THAT would be a reason to kill myself - but aside from that there's no reason not to just see where this shit will take me aside from that.

So your girl broke up with you? Well that's a too bad. There's an old Germanic saying (really its just what a homeless guy once told a friend of mine at a train station, after he told him his gf had left him) along the lines of "musst du and're Weiber ficken" which roughly translates to "Then you gotta screw other chicks".
>>
(OP)
>>17992452
From my knowledge of German solely being linguistic, it's probably more made up than an old saying, but that pretty much says what you said it did.

I literally can't get it up with anyone else unless I'm thinking of my Fiancee and I feel really, really gross actually looking at others, especially IRL, since I'm about as stuck on loyalty as someone who grew up listening to their old-ways grandfather tell the world how it should be could be. Except more mid-liberally than party-sided?

I already dropped out of college. Couple years ago. It was for financial reasons and then suddenly I part-owned a business. The Net isn't all that great but the overall income and potential is fantastic...ish. I never had a plan for life, see, save that whole how I should have a family part, so it's just kind of something that I roll with. I feel obligated to not let it get screwed up without me, though, as I keep the place going almost on my own on the office side.

>One day at a time
Shit that may as well be how I got this far, but I've never been able to get over a grudge or a wound easily. When my mood is subject to getting rekt every ten or so minutes it's hard to look forward to something that I'm convinced will leave me at my loneliest.

>Wasted the last two years at university
At least you went there. Now you know, even if you didn't learn all too much, what it was like in that specific instance. Try to avoid the whole getting kicked out of the house thing, though.

>No need to kill [yourself]
I think I'm the only one not part of Asshole et al who wants me gone. I also don't think anyone would care either way. In a weird twist, maybe they can stop relying on me for everything that doesn't actually matter and try to grow up. Maybe not.

>Broke up with [OP]
Worse. It's not official. It's been a completely unofficial separation month as of Friday. She feels like she's toying with me whenever she regrets getting mad for Asshole at me but isn't yet happy again.
>>
>>17990540
Don't do it man. My best friend fucked me over big time. I asked a girl out, she rejected me and went out with him instead. The ironic thing was he told me she got all pissed that I don't talk to her anymore. I stole his phone and read that. I laughed.
I just moved on and I'm happy out.
You matter man. Remember that. There isn't another you out there. Just get the shitty people out of your life. It does a world of good, but please, get help if your suicidal. We can all feel down at times and have shitty days.
>>
>>17992572
>"Moved on and I'm happy out."
While I don't want to say nay nay to that since I'm glad it worked out for you and you totally deserve better, getting rejected when asking someone out and trying to avoid recreating Along Came Polly are a little off.

Legitimately not trying to come across as an ass. I don't know how I sound in text, let alone in voice, so I have recently tried to mention when I appreciate someone's words like I do yours.

>"You matter man. ... There isn't another you out there."
That's what I'm hopeful for and scared of. Nearly seven and a half billion people in the world and nothing can perfectly be recreated. Ever. Like mixing a deck of cards, the odds are in the favor of variance.

I'm partially solipsistic, partially nihilistic, but I try to lean towards the former. It's how I always used to get over my depression and suicidal issues... But that means there's a world out there that I survived in and didn't lose her. Why can't I be that world?

You know what, why CAN'T I?

Life is fucking bullshit.

Live your fucking dreams.

Or die trying.

We'll see.

I'll post slow updates over the next couple of days to see if mine ever do anything.

I'm such a bitch this last month compared to normal that I'm surprised I've gotten this far.
>>
>>17992624
That rush didn't even last five minutes. Hell, it was over by the time that was posted. But I didn't want to whine for at least another hour.

>Why can't I have that world?
People. That's why. Fucking unpredictable predictable things making life nonlinear.

105 people die each minute, but you ain't one of them. That means you outlive over 55 million people each year, whether they had seconds or generations to survive. 2014 in the US one in every 121.4 or so people died, but you weren't one of them.

Why not? Statistically, it's unlikely you're at a risk for much of anything if you have common sense and avoid risky habits. Pretty impressive given that people are drawn to things that haven't punished them even if it is risky. Putting yourself out there is pretty risky in a relatively different way.


-Sigh-
Back to the dumps, I guess.
Asshole got to her first today. If I'm to have much of any shot Friday it'll be if I can get her to avoid Asshole et al for at least the whole day, preferably the night before as well. She was super giddy to talk to me for a little earlier and very loving, then she became extremely distant after he was suddenly present during her lunch break.

Living in a Catch-22 of interaction to save the relationship, my current desires for existence, and any urge for a future really sucks.

How the fuck do you folks with harder problems manage to do anything in life?!

Breaking a dependency you were allowed to develop and guaranteed wouldn't be a problem isn't something one should do cold turkey. Let that be known. It fucking hurts. I'm too fucking fragile right now for these things called negative emotions. Screw seeing the rainbow, I just want the happy times.

https://youtu.be/ugJfjmxOR2I?t=30 Save me, Bob Ross. I'm waiting for the good times now.
>>
(OP)
Another minor update.

Her family a state south doesn't know anything, but when I mentioned maybe visiting them on a road trip they seemed elated. Maybe we'll go down there before everything else goes down... maybe a change of environment will help us both breath.

I'm dead sick of everything I thought I loved up here anyways.

Still trying to avoid drinking. Stay strong, friends. Maybe... anything can happen.

Maybe.
>>
>>17993366
what you need is clarity.

please don't kill yourself.
>>
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>>17993369
That's never really been up to me until recently. Now I'm in a snowball of depression and confused hope. Nothing makes sense and stupid ideas are raindrops in the sea.

I'll do everything I can to not lose, first... but I don't think I can win.

Not alone.

But if I don't allow failure to be an option, at least I'll take every chance I can get until either I succeed or the chances are spent.
>>
>>17993389
Look OP. You actually seem like a pretty cool guy. I could see you as being successful and even happy in life if you somehow got through this.

I know there's legit reasons to clock out early, and I honestly can't blame some people when you consider the hands they're dealt.

But throwing away your only period of consciousness for all eternal time, that you only had an infinitesimal chance to obtain in the first place, a brief moment to be the universe looking back at and contemplating itself. Just throwing it away, over a relationship? Over a woman? A reproductive vessel? That's quite the eternal solution to an earthly problem.

Life's a gift (or punishment) that none of us asked for, that's true. And everyone knows it sucks the whole damn time. But what challenge or joy would it be if there wasn't any problems, nothing to overcome or achieve? What if the whole mess your in is just a shitty test? What if, like in a snowball's chance in a microwave, there's some reward if you make it through?

Of course, I really have no idea of the full extent of the range of emotions you're going through or the problems you're dealing with. All I can offer are things to consider.
>>
>>17990540
can you take me with you please
>>
I faced depression and shit and it's not easy shaking it off. Took me almost a year to recover from it alone and family supporting me. No meds either. OP, a lot of things have a solution in life. The only way you can seal your fate is by dying or landing in jail for life. I don't know who you are or what you went through but people out there will try to help you if you need it.
>>
>>17993581
To each their own on the views of life, but I am glad you have a firm belief! I don't know if I believe in reincarnation or the after life, but I do firmly believe in the multiverse. Being the active consciousness means that this specific universe won't exist without me. The unlimited number of variations of it, especially with your consciousness at the reigns, are subject to believe how they see fit.

Technically, yes, she is just a carbon lifeform created by pure happenstance and there are billions of others very nearby in the galaxy... but she also has a lot of meaning to me personally. Do we take the sky for granted, the air we breathe, the sights we see? All the time. Would life be the same if you suddenly needed a gas mask at all times? If the skyline was ablaze with visions of agony? If we could never see again?

Sure, they're probably far more dramatic in comparison. I don't doubt that. But she became my sky, my breath, my view of the world... and now I'm being torn apart. I'm watching the world accept having gas pumped everywhere with the blame on me and I don't know how to save it... if it even wants me to view it should it ever even be allowed to become radiant again.

I suck at metaphors.

I'm not saying I don't enjoy a challenge. Life is all about struggling and persevering. But I've never had a fight like this...

To digress from however I sound, you have some great points. I'm to stubborn to accept them and adjust my world view, but that tells me it was challenged rather than simply glanced at and that could mean anything.


>>17993620
Sorry. I'm a straight arrow. You might not even like me as a person.


>>17993638
Wanting to help, knowing how to help, helping, and helping beneficially are all very different because humans are complicated. I really hope things keep getting better for you! I recommend working out. Endorphins do a lot for at least a few minutes a day. Plus people love when you radiate confidence and such.
>>
>>17993683
>You might not even like me as a person.

irrelevant
i just need you to take me out
>>
>>17993688
My heart belongs to another, friend. I am sorry to have to turn you down like this. Maybe you will one day find someone worthy!

Unless you just want to get a ride to pick up food or groceries. Then I could swing some time.
>>
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(OP)
Picture is of our Build-A-Bear that we put two hearts in and oft pretend is our little girl, alongside my early Valentine's gift for this year.

Her sister and I chatted for a bit and I'm gonna try just about anything to convince her to let me drive us to visit. The problem is, I don't know how to do the actual asking portion.

Thoughts: I'm shooting for return from work, change clothes, movie, dinner, weekend road trip conversation when there's a positive moment and happening after the other two events.

Her sister, who is just a few miles away from her dad and family there, agreed to call her for a chat and a change of pace if said sister is free and I use my "dial a friend" card. Her dad, M1, gave me his address and is totally for us showing up but doesn't know anything is going on between us. Our last real chat was September when he visited on work and before then was July when I got their permission to officially be engaged.

I've been pretty careful on my wording to not sound like a controlling ass, and her sister agrees that Fiancée is in a bad spot right now and that this could at least do something. What exactly? We don't fucking know.

IMHO
If it goes well, we may come back north. We may have movers get our stuff. We may never go back north but I doubt I'll get away with that hope.

How do I approach this conversation of a visit with Fiancée?

What would I even do in northern Oregon aside from visiting her family?

How could I ask Fiancée to not touch phone or get online at all Friday and maybe tonight without coming across as an ass? It's not a problem when on a date, but lunch and the morning may be. I was thinking of offering to drop her at work in the morning but I doubt that would go too swimmingly so I dunno. What do?

How do I go about packing for a multi-day trip in case she does agree but I don't want us to stop back at the apartment and possibly have it canned by the environment?

Help this beta win back being alpha without being an ass?
>>
>>17990540
>See, we'd had a few arguments every winter but it always cheered by the time seasonal blues left. Not this time.

I understand that the other guy has done things here, but apart from that, what did you do to push her away like that/damage the relationship?

>I doubt she'll join me.
So you're intending to talk about suicide, and then do it, with her present?

Have you considered that you would be emotionally blackmailing her, exactly the same way the other guy has done? What must it be like for her - to be between two guys, both of which threaten to kill themselves if she does not choose them.
>>
(OP)
>>17994562
>What has [OP] done?
Rolled over and taken abuse from anyone either of us have ever hung out with, and it showed. Being a hurt puppy showed off in how clingy I would get, how dependent I would become on another moment with her when things seemed off. How bad was it? What else did I do? I don't know.

I never intended to bring it up to her. I was far more interested in finding out her opinion when she's had some actual time to be herself, then disappear if I wasn't wanted anymore.

>Emotionally blackmailing her
I would not fucking dare to let slip something I felt seemed manipulative unless she asked, and even then I go about trying to make it not about me so it's less biased of an explanation. Doesn't mean it works, but...
My sister's ex did that to her. I've seen it and the fallout. I would never want that for my Fiancée.

>Threaten
Threats are words. I much prefer someone who isn't just all talk. Legality being the main restriction on most decisions of whether or not to comment back or say what I'm thinking. That's why I train to meditate and had always locked away emotions - they weren't logical. I adored Vulcans. Now I know it's unhealthy to not have a healthy outlet.
Her dad now kind of knows some things. Her oldest sister knows a lot more. I'm damn determined to visit them with her, no strings attached, and see if the change of scenery and lack of Asshole et al. contact stops this stupid cycle.
>>
OP do us a favor and let us know whether you're still alive after your plans with your girlfriend. We might be able to continue to help you and besides, it's never fun to think that a human being you've talked to killed theirself.

Either way, good luck with her and I hope the tides turn for the better.
>>
(OP)
>>17995240
Yea. I'd give hour by hour updates until any decision is made if I could.

Sorry for the delay. I saw the message but I was violently shaking. Apparently I got a huge rush of energy for no fucking reason and I had to go for a half hour walk just to get oxygen going.

Checked phone records when being sure auto-pay didn't break (changed email when my phone was upgraded the other week but forgot to verify). Was suddenly overwhelmed with curious. My stupid ass.

She messaged him at least a dozen times in the couple of minutes prior to contacting me on her lunch. Didn't bother checking further than that because I didn't trust myself to remain calm. When we agreed to head to bed around 10-11 last night while chatting she got on a phone call for two hours just after midnight with Asshole. Didn't bring it up at all because I shouldn't know because I don't monitor that shit because I trust her. Don't know if I should even fucking bother asking because I don't trust myself to handle it. He did it right after his GF got offline.

Fiancee getting off early from work, and will get a burger together. Called her because I wanted to chat instead of text. We were lovey-dovey after a couple minutes. She admitted not messaging me right away because she's enjoying a Bubble Tea.

Still shaking with energy and am on the verge of puking. Unsure if it's from the lunch I ate, stress, or both. Didn't bother getting noticeably more stressed until after I was shaking though.

Tested phone blocking to see how it works - It only works on incoming calls and texts. Anything outgoing still works. Couldn't do it well anyhow since I can only block five numbers - Fighting seven phones plus online accounts that constantly pester her to ignore me.

Gonna have to ask to leave the phone behind or off when we go out.

Haven't broached going on the trip. Wasn't the right time, I felt. Maybe I was too much of a bitch because I knew the long-ass phone call happened.
>>
(OP)
>>17995475
Discovery!

I'm having a panic attack. Probably.

I mentioned the chest pain, frantic heart rate, intense trembling (didn't have to mention it), choking and lack of breathing, intense nausea / dizziness (think it is related to the breathing), tingling limbs, and the weird feeling that I'm not myself. Boss hands me a paper bag and says to try and control my breathing again, turns off the lights, and if it weren't for having to get back to work would have stuck with me through it.

I'm no longer about to explode but I'm gonna freak out for a while longer and try to lie down without spazzing out like my body keeps wanting to.

Fucking human bodies, doing this shit.

I took my last dose of two Excedrin at about noon thirty. I'm gonna try and wait until half past four to take more. I also have a full thing of methocarbamol but I don't want to take it just before driving because I'm not going to fucking risk my Fiancee's health.
>>
>>17995568
Don't take too many drugs, they might fuck your mind up even more. Drink plenty of water.
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