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Broke up with my girlfriend due to depression

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I broke up with my gf of 3 months last night. For the past few weeks I've been suffering from depression, anxiety and obsessive thinking. There were times when I felt like I didn't love her or wasn't physically attracted to her and I kept thinking that if I feel that way, that means I need to let her go and allow her to find someone who will truly make her happy. Once I realized I was depressed again, I began feeling like I was being a burden and I should be alone. Sex was followed by feelings of guilt and her touch gradually made me uncomfortable. She came over to sleep at my place on Friday and I felt nothing that night. I couldn't kiss her, show any affection, or have sex. We went to sleep and didn't talk at all in the morning. At that point, I realized that she knew something was wrong and I had to end it.

We've met last evening to talk, but as soon as I've began my voice broke. Even though I was the one breaking up, I was a complete wreck and couldn't stop crying. I tried to be clear, but looking back I wasn't making that much sense. I told her how depressed I felt and how confused I was about my feelings. How I felt I was falling in love with her, but every time I did, something was blocking me. How much I liked her, but felt more like a friend than a lover.

She took it much better than me, but I think part of it was a facade. She kept quiet and didn't really look at me. At one point she teared up a bit and mentioned how absurd it is that her last boyfriend was also suffering from depression. We both laughed for a bit, talked about remaining friends and I hugged her and thanked her for all she did for me. She thanked me for telling her about how I felt and that I didn't keep her in the dark. She asked me to go into therapy and we both wished that one another would be happy. Before we split, I hugged her once more, thanked her and apologized for everything I've done. As she was walking back, I kept staring at her till she left my view.
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Initially I was feeling relief. I was glad it was over and felt like I made the right choice.
But since I woke up today, I've been a complete wreck. I've lost appetite, kept crying all day and can't stop thinking about her.
We didn't text since we broke up up last night and I've been missing her good morning/good night texts like crazy.

For weeks I felt cold and unresponsive. For weeks I felt guilt and felt scared at the thought of sex. I felt like I checked out and was ready to move on. But now I'm not sure anymore. I really miss her and can't tell if that means I truly did love her, or if I'm just scared and lonely. I really want to text her, but I don't want to add any more confusion, as she has exams right now.

Now I wonder if I wasn't to hasty to end it. Perhaps rather than breaking up, I should have asked her for a break and go into therapy. Or waited till I was feeling better, rather than make this decision when I was feeling particularly low. Last night she began saying that "perhaps when I sort all this out, in a few months or years..." but she didn't finish. And I keep wondering that maybe if I go into therapy and resolve my issues I could learn to truly love her.

What should I do /adv/?
Should I go no contact and stick to my original decision? We talked about remaining friends for now and that we should still keep in touch. But I don't know how long should I wait before doing that. Despite being in my late 20's this is my first relationship and I have no idea how to behave.
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First and foremost, what's important right now is yourself and your health. If it's not healthy for you to be in a relationship while trying to navigate your depression, so be it. Take the time you need to figure things out and learn to manage it. If you truly care about her and really want her in your life, include her on your journey in learning how to manage this depression. Being in a relationship means it'll be messy sometimes and scary and painful. Getting through things together will make you both stronger if that's the path you choose and she chooses. Personally, I was in a relationship before as well and we both suffered from varying forms of depression. I wish my SO and I could've worked things out together. Best wishes to you anon. Don't forget you're stronger than you feel.
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>>17981871

Thank you anon. Truth is I'm still confused about what I feel for her and that's the root of the problem. Things were initially great at the beginning and I only decided to pursue a relationship because I didn't have an episode in years.

To offer some more background, at some point I realized that I still found other women attractive and I've began obsessing whether I was physically attracted to her, or whether she was sufficiently attractive as a long term partner.

This obsession became unhealthy. One moment I could look at her and find her beautiful, the next I would focus on all minor flaws of hers and find her physically repulsive. For years I struggled with feeling ugly and unattractive (even though objectively there's nothing wrong with my body) and for whatever reason I ended up projecting the same feelings onto her.

This and the fact that I would still desire other women made me feel extremely guilty. I wanted to look only at her, but I couldn't. I knew it was shallow and I began to hate myself that I couldn't look past something so insignificant and minor. The fact that I still fantasized about other women made me doubt whether I truly cared for her at all and whether I loved her, or was just enjoying being with a woman. I began to fear what would happen if I had a chance to sleep with someone else and I was paranoid that I would end up cheating on her and hurt her.

This is what eventually led to full on depression. No other girl ever treated me so well and yet I couldn't fully appreciate her. So I don't want to paint myself as a victim here. As much as I miss her, I don't really know if I even deserve to be with her when all this time, in the back of my head I had all these shallow thoughts.
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>>17981978
No problem anon. I didn't think you were playing a victim at all. The fact that you've realized what you were doing in projecting your own fears and insecurities onto her says a lot about your intelligence. It's understandable you're confused right now. I suggest sharing with her what you've shared here if you haven't already and then go from there.
And regarding the whole not feeling like you deserve her thing, that's a bunch of malarkey. People don't earn each other. I understand how you feel though and I'm not dismissing it or invalidating how you feel. It's a thought distortion anon. The only person who should be deciding whether or not she "deserves" to be with you is her. You can't make that decision for her even if you think you're protecting her from yourself because at the end of the day, with that mentality, you're only protecting yourself from pain and fear.
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>>17982104

Thank you anon. I think you are correct in saying this is something that I should have talked to her about. Unfortunately, this is one topic I could never bring myself to touch on. Early on she told me that she sometimes feels very insecure about her looks and weight. So I feared that if I talked to her about it, it would be extremely hurtful.

Instead I decided to keep quiet and tried to push these thoughts away. I deleted photos of her where I felt she didn't look her best and kept only the ones I liked. Whenever I had these thoughts, I would pull out my phone and remind myself that there is nothing wrong with her. This worked for a while, but eventually I began having these thoughts in person and could do nothing to stop them. I began to doubt whether it were my insecurities or whether I just wasn't physically attracted to her. In the end, I couldn't find an answer.

So even though right now I really miss her, I'm afraid of talking to her. What if my feelings change again in the coming weeks? I would just pull her back into my "hot and cold" behavior again.

You are right however, in saying that I shouldn't have made that choice myself. Looking back I behaved selfishly and didn't take her feelings into account. Instead of making this decision on my own, I should have talked to her about it, given it some time and made a decision together on how to act. I don't know if it's too late for that now and whether I should talk to her now or give her some time for myself and her to process it.
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Are you getting treatment for your depression?
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>>17982220
>You are right however, in saying that I shouldn't have made that choice myself. Looking back I behaved selfishly and didn't take her feelings into account. Instead of making this decision on my own, I should have talked to her about it, given it some time and made a decision together on how to act. I don't know if it's too late for that now and whether I should talk to her now or give her some time for myself and her to process it.

The only ones who can answer that question now are you and her. When you're ready, it'd be best to talk with her about it. It'll be painful for the both of you but it's necessary. You'll never know or have closure until you do.

As for your depression, what're you doing to manage it so it doesnt control you? Are you seeing a psychiatrist and therapist? Going to any support groups? How about your support network? How's that looking?
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>>17982226
Not yet, but I'm looking into psychotherapists in my area. I want to arrange an appointment in the coming days.
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OP don't you dare go back to her. How would you even know that you won't go uncaring again if you have her? You can't jerk her around like that.

Even if a switch has flipped in your head you have no choice but to accept that the shit you went through cost you this relationship. The sooner you accept that it's all over the sooner you can start to move on.
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>>17982245
I highly recommend CBT, it worked for me.
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>>17982245
>>17982259
That's good. I've been helped by CBT, DBT, and ACT. those are very helpful in managing depression and other mood disorders.
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>>17982241

>As for your depression, what're you doing to manage it so it doesnt control you? Are you seeing a psychiatrist and therapist? Going to any support groups? How about your support network? How's that looking?

I've had it for years but it's been fairly subdued, so I learned to live with it. Whenever I feel down, I just take some time alone to recover. This relationship however, was a completely new experience, so I felt completely lost. I plan to go into therapy as I learned that I must have some unresolved issues that make my relationships with people difficult.

>>17982249

You're correct anon. Although I really do miss her and wonder if I made the right choice I just can't be sure which of my emotions are "real" so to speak.I don't want to make things any worse, especially right now while she has her midterm exams. At the same time, I realize I wasn't entirely rational last night.

What makes it worse, is that we both made it clear that we wanted to see each other as friends. And I don't want her gone from my life. On one hand I don't want to confuse her, but at the same time I don't want to suddenly go no contact on her and make her. She did suggest that things maybe could work out in the future and I don't know what to think about it right now. What is the correct behavior here? Is it ok, to text her how she's doing? Or let her know that I'm planning to go into therapy as she asked me to?

>>17982259
>>17982264

Thanks guys. So do you think psychotherapy is the way to start? I'm a bit wary to go on drugs, as I've been on them before and the side effects made it difficult to function.
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>>17982300
meant

"I don't want to suddenly go no contact on her and make her worry"
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>>17982300
> what is the correct behavior here? Can I text her to ask how she's doing? To let her know I'm going to therapy?

That's up to you anon. If you still want her in your life, go for it. Just be smart and careful about it and above all, be honest.
>Thanks guys. So do you think psychotherapy is the way to start? I'm a bit wary to go on drugs, as I've been on them before and the side effects made it difficult to function.

Starting out with psychotherapy isn't a bad idea. You're getting professional help and that's great. It's brave of you and scary. Take things slowly as it won't be better over night. Again, be honest- with yourself and your therapist. If things don't click with you and your therapist, ask for a referral. I personally really benefited from DBT andfeel that's a great therapy. Best wishes to you anon.
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>>17982316

Thank you anon. I really appreciate it.
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>>17982360
I'm privileged to have been with you for even a short time on your journey. If you ever want to talk about anything again, I'll be around here. We have to stick together and remind each other we're not alone. You can do this anon. I've faith in you even if I don't know you.
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>>17982424

Thank you anon.

In the end I broke the rule of no contact. I texted her to ask how she was feeling but she didn't reply back, which is understandable. Then I wrote that what she said to me last night gave me a lot to think. I would be going to a therapist this week and will make best effort to resolve my issues and that I regret not doing so earlier. I wish her all the best, that I believe in her and hope her exams go well.

I have no idea if I did the right thing. But I felt like I had to write this. I only hope that I didn't make things worse for her. For now, I will leave her alone and focus on solving my own problems.
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>>17982755
I'm really sorry but you have to accept the thought of possibly losing her as a friend.
These things rarely work out no matter what you think at the beginning. New girlfriend/boyfriend comes around, no one wants their partner to hang out with their ex. Not saying you shouldn't try at all but don't get your hopes up too high.
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