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Need to become more selfish?

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How do you learn to deal with saying no when that disappoints people? I can't seem to prioritize myself.

When family or friends call and tell me "I have to do things" I can't say no. I often try to say I don't feel like it, but when they then guilt trip me I always feel really bad so I end up doing the thing in the end, or I procrastinate and go do the thing dragging my feet, or push it off but it poisons me because it still hangs around in my mind.

Then I feel realllllly guilty and try to avoid doing it even more. One of the results of it is that I spend hours on 4chan to avoid the nasty feelings of not doing what other people want me to do. I tried just doing what they asked of me, but then I'd have my schedule crammed with all the things other people want me to do and with zero time for one of my dreams, which is to learn to paint.
Unless it's a valid excuse by the rules I was taught at home (like work or exams or being physically ill) saying "no" to something seems not to be okay.

How do I stop this nasty pattern? I wish I could not care about what other people think I should do, and choose what I, myself, actually want, and don't do what I don't want and don't torture myself over it.
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>>17980802

i think millenials get too much hate, but one common theme is that we tend to think that its an all or nothing situation.

like you can't diet unless you find a diet that makes you feel full.

thats not true. its going to feel bad. and that feeling of bad is something you have to bear in order to not bear the even worse consequences of giving in to the people.

its the lesser of two evils.
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>>17980806
>that feeling of bad is something you have to bear in order to not bear the even worse consequences of giving in to the people
thanks anon, I might even write this out on a post it and have it somewhere meaningful

that's a crucial point
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>>17980802
Memorize and frequently use this word:

No.
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>>17980864
Well, I picture myself saying this to my boyfriend, and then seeing him disappointed and my heart just goes all "awwww" and I want to make him happy.

But as the anon above said, I need to make my heart a stone and do what I want anyway.
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There's no need to make your heart a stone. Being a people pleaser is tough and exhausting. Aren't you exhausted? I used to be a people pleaser like you and rarely ever said no. But you know what I've learned? People pleasing is really just a form of control for us. We don't want to say no because yeah, we feel guilty, but also because we don't want the people around us to feel offended or to feel angry at us. The thing is anon, we can't control other people's feelings and perceptions of who we are. All we can control is ourselves, how we respond to our feelings and thoughts.

Just like your family and friends and SO, you also have needs and wants and neither of those is selfish. It is going to be fucking hard and scary for you yet you need to start small. Say how you feel when they start trying to cajole you into doing something you don't want to do. Be straight up and say it's not cool. It'll be hard but as you practice that, while also firmly saying no, it'll get easier as time goes on. You don't need to harden your heart to stone. You need to stand up for yourself and realize your feelings and thoughts matter just as much as everyone else's.
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