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Fear vs feminism

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Thread replies: 49
Thread images: 6

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Hello,

I have a problem. I am afraid of expressing myself in front of my boyfriend. I am considered to be a pretty feminist person among my friends, which is true, as I believe in equal rights / freedom of expression and so forth, but I am just afraid of his random bursts of anger. It makes me feel uneasy and false to my own ideas. My private life does not represent the things I believe in and things I encourage other women doing. Some could say I am a coward but I genuinly don't want to be hurt, because verbal abuse sometimes happens anyway.
This person is diagnosed borderline. I am a mess myself. But it starts to kill me to act like an obedient girl just for the sake of peace in our relationship.
Where is the healthy border?
I made a lot of mistakes in the past and I am being constantly reminded of them and no matter how much I changed and much differently I behave, I am constantly living in this feeling of guilt. I take full responsibility for my actions but how long you can pay / live in fear / restrain yourself. Where is the line?
Was anybody in the similar situation?
>>
Feminism is bullshit and stupid, the solution to your problem is to stop being a feminist
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>>17979388
>This person is diagnosed borderline. I am a mess myself

Stay together so you two don't find two different people ruin their lives
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Stupid dumb feminist
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>>17979388
Become aggressive, fembot!! SEXUALLY ! Oh my goddddddddd! Destroy him!
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>>17979388
Post pics of yourself
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>>17979411
Well, I see I used a bad word. I just can't express myself. I am over-tired, everything is on me, his feelings > my feelings... you don't have to call it a feminism if this (very normal) word triggers you to the point that you don't understand my problem.
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>>17979402
honestly this.

>>17979401
this was just a dumb post anon.
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>>17979402
I am on meds and therapy. I am a very stable person these days. I work a lot, take care of a household, I study in the meantime. I still I am a good partner, besides the periods of life before my "getting shit together". Thanks for being pointlessly rude. This is what I needed after a hard day.
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>>17979422
I didn't read your original post or this post once you said feminist.

Your opinions are worthless
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>>17979427
I probably shouldn't have mentioned that, because now all the focus is on the word feminism. I wanted to talk about the fear you feel towards your partner. How to deal with it. But it is a lost thread already, sadly.
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>>17979426
>come to 4chan
>wants people to be nice to her

Really, just kill yourself
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>>17979434
I was raised on 4chan, son. I spent years on /b and other bullshit boards. I usually had quite nice experience with /adv.
btw. don't send people to kill themselves. That's pretty pretty low, kid.
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>>17979433
>I wanted to talk about the fear you feel towards your partner.

Don't burn dinner and maybe he won't hit you
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>>17979438
I cook very well, moreover, I even prepare him this disgusting British tea with milk.
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>>17979425
If saying the truth is dumb, then i guess i said the most retarded thing ever.
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>>17979436
Lift up your shirt and spread your legs, hole.
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>>17979443

kiddo kiddo kiddo

>>17979425

I don't know, maybe it's a matter of my origin. I believe that in my country feminism is a very important factor that doesn't get enough attention. I wonder whether I should bother why you think so. Maybe first tell me your experience with women, what you read about feminism and how old you are.
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>>17979443
WA HA HA ANON! Tell me when the last time y'all had your pussy licked! I am h-i-g-h as fuck right now! I like your styyyyyyle babe! Wooooo
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>>17979449
>I believe that in my country feminism is a very important factor that doesn't get enough attention.

I believe you need to spread your gap
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>>17979482
Jesus, how old are you?

I don't have any problems with sex. I am more active in bed than him. Chill the fuck down and maybe focus on my problem (if you want to give me advice) or gtfo, little frustrated virgin.
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>>17979388
You're both pieces of shit, honestly, don't change anything -- this is a match made in heaven.

fucking degenerates.
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>>17979488
That wasn't me, this was >>17979476
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Judge more. Where are the mature people in here. I used to have so many good talks in here.
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>>17979497
neck yourself, useless whore.
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>>17979492
Judge more. Where are the mature people in here. I used to have so many good talks in here.
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>>17979498
I send lots of love, to all of you, sad sad little boys who can't handle the fact that someone may have a different view on things.
And my little advice, learn to read. It's not a thread about feminism.
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>>17979388
>Where is the healthy border?

I think not being afraid of the person you're in a relationship with is a good start. Your pic implies that you're frightened that he might become physically violent. I don't know if that's something that is an actual concern for you, or if that's a real fear (i.e. he has been violent or physically aggressive to frighten you).

Accepting verbal abuse and rage to shut down communication is also not ok. The problem is that you can't make him change or accept your boundaries as to what is ok. YOU have to be the one to enforce your boundaries by being willing to walk away from the relationship.

You wrote that your bf is diagnosed. Does this mean that he is seeing a mental health counselor of some sort? It might be useful to have a joint session with his therapist or see a relationship counselor together to try to address the problems you have with him.
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>>17979503
I hope your degenerate boyfriend ends up in jail, and you get raped and thrown into a ditch; shut the fuck up, and get of my fucking board you trashy cock-gobbling filth.
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>>17979512
Hey, thanks for the first constructive answer.
Once he tried to strangle me after I revealed some rather upsetting him news.

We tried group therapy.
He always reassures me his anger won't include me, it's about kicking walls and screaming. I come from slightly pathological background myself. I accept more than I should. I made some terrible mistakes before in our relationship but the pain seems to be endless and I literally can't move. The slighest mistake (or I should same something he does not like is a reason to remind me all my bullshit behaviour from like one year ago). I don't want to give up on him. I know how hard it is to get over things.

Once he told me he does not want to be with someone neutral or not -talking-what-one-thinks, but ffs how to do it if you know it will just add fuel to the fire.
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Why don't you just leave him? You said you take care of a household, are you a mom?

What did you do that makes you feel so guilty?
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>>17979536
I think this is a relationship to drop. His being borderline is a challenge. You being borderline as well makes it explosive.

As well, he actually attempted physical harm. If I was with a person and they attempted that, they would be on their way out very fast. He is not in a good place and needs help.

The fact that you are afraid is a telling sign that this relationship WILL end.
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>>17979581
I cheated on him one year ago. The remorse closes my mouth forever. He decided to forgive but it's constantly coming back just as if nothing changed. I know it was terrible and I couldn't feel worse. I am doing my best to be a better person.

I was manic back then, but I hate using mental state and problems as an excuse so let's just say I was a terrible person (even though I gave signs I am not treated seriously and everything is really one-sided and I can't see it going like this any longer...) anyway I am not here to excuse myself. Terrible behavior deserves a strong criticism, but I also believe that if you decide to forget there is some work to be done on your behalf. The smallest problems bring everything back. No matter how better I got.
Now I am waiting for the storm of the comments.
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>>17979388
>I made a lot of mistakes in the past and I am being constantly reminded of them and no matter how much I changed and much differently I behave
I can only wonder what these mistakes actually are.
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>>17979608
>>17979594
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>>17979594
>but I also believe that if you decide to forget there is some work to be done on your behalf.
I assume you mean forgive? Either way there really is no work to be done if you're the one who was cheated on, it was entirely up to you to rebuild trust. You've obviously failed to do so if no progress has been made. Either way this relationship is obviously a dead end. He's not going to forget it, and now you're resentful about your failure.
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Feminism aside, it sounds like the relationship is going to fail. Just leave, end it for both your sakes.
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>>17979619
He said he did and he wants to work on it. Just like me.
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>>17979625
Saying you forgive someone is very different from actually being able to forgive them. The man is perpetually angry at you ever since you cheated, so it's obvious he's failed to do so. I mean it's rather obvious why you hide what you did until the end there. It;s obvious you've failed to make him trust you again, and I really doubt you ever will.

I mean, this is one of the reasons I'd never take back a cheater. I know I'd never really move on from it, and I'm inclined to believe I'd start behaving in an abusive manner indefinitely. But hey, it's your life I guess.
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>>17979536
>He always reassures me his anger won't include me, it's about kicking walls and screaming

Ok, you know this isn't true. But kicking walls and screaming isn't really acceptable either. This is "I'm completely fucking out of control" behavior, and even if he's unaware that you find it intimidating, it's not something that he should be thinking is ok.

How did group therapy go? Did he come to the conclusion that as far as he's concerned, everything between you is ok and is as should be?

>I accept more than I should.

Welp, and that pretty much ends this thread. You know what the healthy boundary is, but you're not going to insist on that for yourself.

Maybe try writing him a letter and explain how you feel about his tantrums so that you don't have to be subjected to them. If he refuses to see this as being a problem though, oh well. If you're willing to accept bullshit, learn to stop complaining about YOUR choice.
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>>17979441
It's not the truth though. feminism is literally just: "Men and women deserve equal opportunities".

Yes, I know that feminism in recent years have gathered a lot of negative attention. Particularly because in this day and age it's a lot more difficult to devise whether or not men and women are equal and if they aren't, why not. Feminism itself however, is still a question of whether or not men and women should have equal opportunities, and nothing about how this should be acquired or if it's even necessary at this point.
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>>17979672
>Feminism itself however, is still a question of whether or not men and women should have equal opportunities, and nothing about how this should be acquired or if it's even necessary at this point.
People like Andrea Dworkin had more influence on the feminist movement than you people spouting the dictionary definition ever will.

Sure, maybe it just means man=woman, but guess what? I also identify with many of the values of the Republican Party, but because of their actions I do not consider myself a member. Same shit here. When Todd Akin said women can shut their bodies down during rape, we didn't just handwave it off like people do with radical feminists. The Republican Party got a lot of shit over that, and for good reason! Stop hiding behind a dictionary.
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>>17979692
Who's Andrea Dworkin? I'm new to the thread, Just curious.
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>>17979694
A nutjob feminist. Here are some quotes.
>Seduction is often difficult to distinguish from rape. In seduction, the rapist often bothers to buy a bottle of wine.

>Male supremacy is fused into the language, so that every sentence both heralds and affirms it.

>Only when manhood is dead - and it will perish when ravaged femininity no longer sustains it - only then will we know what it is to be free.

Now don't get me wrong, there are good feminists. Erin Pizzey is a good example who started the first domestic abuse shelter. However she has pointed out that most abuse is reciprocal, that women are capable of violence, and suggested opening up a domestic shelter for men. The people who attacked her were surprise, mainly feminists.
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Know your place
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Look, I think women and men deserve equal treatment and equal opportunities (I am a girl) and by the dictionary that makes me a feminist. However, the movement is dead, or dying and I don't use the label any more. It's become too narcissistic and vacuous, like most politics in the internet age.

That being said, the relationship sounds toxic and you should leave.
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>>17979388
Men kill men more than men kill women.

Men are killed by men more than men are killed by women.

Women are killed less in general.

The more you know.
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>>17979594
What does he do when you bring this up? He just blasts you with outrage?

Have you tried just being blunt about it and asking him what it would take for him to finally start letting go of his resentment and rebuild the relationship?
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I'm surprised he's held on this long, even in bitterness...

He should have let you go long ago.. for his own peace of mind sake. Must be a child of mistreatment.. because his tolerance level is far higher than necessary.

If you wanna do him a favor, quit lying to yourselves with therapy. Just depart from one another already.

And do yourself a favor, stop dating for a few years, till you grow as a person.
Thread posts: 49
Thread images: 6


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