would it be in my best interest to an hero? when i was younger

>>17973965
Perhaps find a partner that will show you some loving intimacy instead of what you were forced to experience at a young age
Regardless of traumatic experiences such as this, if you can connect with someone in this sense and have a truly romantic and pleasurable experience, you will start to remove these chains and feel like a romantic bliss/euphoria
That's what I think anyways, love conquers all!

I had attempts of rape as a kid. Ruined my life. Around that same age too. Eventually I told my mom, I wrote her a letter about what happened and handed it to her. She was still dating the guy who did it too, and continued dating him after I told her, which only made my life even more shit. Life went on, eventually it got to the point where either he had to go, or i did. And my mom broke up with him.

Life goes on, and on.

>would it be in my best interest to an hero?
yeah, probably. unless you're lying about the symptoms and that you've been seeing professionals for years you should just give up and die

First look into drug induced spiritual rebirths like ayahusca or wutever. Second try using heroin as a crutch.

>>17973965
There are trials going on with MDMA + psychotherapy specifically for use on subjects with ptsd right now. Check out the MAPS website. Psilocybin can also help if youre willing to do it. Ive recently been reading that water fasts have had great effects on people with ptsd.

Whatever you try OP, it's important to try to build trusting interpersonal relationships. I know it's a huge risk and theres lots of fear and obstruction to the trust. Consider though that youre thinking about dying here, so why not risk trust at this point? I know thats probably a big oversimplification and someone I know who had had your same experience describes it as if it was like having your reason for living taken away. She found a lot of comfort in readong the works of Fyodor Dostoyevsky. If youre interested in literature, maybe you should check oit his books.

But you need to take risks, otherwisd youre already dead. Interpersonal relationships are probably very difficult because of the effects of the ptsd. I have a different form and it has always made mine difficult. I can't imagine what it must be like to have had humans who were close to you and whom you were supposed to be able to trust cause your ptsd. It must be like seeing a potential demon in every person you meet.

Suicide can be seen as a comfort. No matter what happens, OP, no matter how out of control your life feels, you do have control over that. That's a little morbid, but consider that you do have that power at least. The big thing with samurai is that they could go into battle in such comfort because they considered themselves to be dead already. Maybe you should take on a similar perspective. It can take the presaure off.

Lastly, do you engage in any sort of creative hobby? Or anything of the sort? Maybe take up visual art or writing or sculpting, these can be very soothing.