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What's wrong with me?

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Goddd, I feel so fucked up /adv/. I'm currently 18 years old. I've never been diagnosed with anything of any sort, as I've never gone in to get one. Always assumed it cost a bunch of dosh to get one, and I ain't got insurance. I'll look into that later once I've got a solid income source. But that's beside the point.

I frequently think about killing myself, and when I say frequently, I don't mean "aw yeah, maybe a couple times a week, no problemo" I mean at least a couple times per hour. I've gone into in depth thoughts of methods I could use to off myself, and I think about non-lethally hurting myself on the same frequent basis. I don't have any sense of self-worth and don't see myself on the same level as other people, and every time someone tells me I matter to them, it feels like a foreign concept, like they're talking about quantum physics or some shit like that. My self confidence is nonexistence, and I often go out of my way to try and boost my worth as a human being somehow, and not be totally useless baggage.

The concept of talking to people also makes me kind of nervous. When I'm put in a situation where I have to go up and talk to someone, or ask someone for something, I always play out how things are gonna go in my head, even if I'm asking for something minor. I want to make friends, but at the same time I'm scared. I want to have a social life, and sometimes think of going on social apps and striking up conversations, but I end up looking at people's profiles for a really long time, trying to work up the courage to toss 'em a simple "yo!", but I can never do it. I'm too afraid. It's not like I'm completely socially inadequate, when people irl talk to me I'm able to pull things off pretty well, and I've been told I give off a really cool vibe, and I'm charismatic, but that doesn't stop me from being a huge fucking pussy about interaction. ;_;

Post too long, I'll continue it in the next. Here we go boys.
>>
Here we go with part 2. I tried telling my older brother I've been feeling like this, as he's the only family member actively present in my life (mom's dead, dad never really was a part of my life) and he said he doesn't think there's anything wrong with me. But if that's true, then why do I feel like this?? ;_; Am I just an unmotivated piece of shit by default? Is it possible to constantly be thinking of offing yourself and have absolutely nothing wrong with you? I'll sit around for hours sometimes, knowing I have to get up and actually do something, but I can't motivate myself, I just feel too dumpy. It really feeds into my whole "I'm worthless" mindset, too. I don't know what to do with myself. I plan to get a job once I get my ID, but what if me being like this causes me to fuck up at my job? What am I supposed to say? "Aw, real sorry sir! I'm a huge fucking piece of shit, yeah, nothing else, kind of a bummer but I do my best! Yeehaw."

That ain't gonna cut it, though, probably. Holy fuck. What is wrong with me ;_; pls help me friendos
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>>17944444
pls help, i got these legendary gets that means you gotta
>>
What you're describing sounds like typical depression, do you have any friends or anyone to talk to besides your brother?
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>>17944549
No ;_; I'm all alone.
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>>17944570
Are you in school or anything?
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>>17944594
No, no school. I was hoping maybe I could meet some pals at work, but I don't have a job yet.
>>
>>17944602
I think that might help, being lonely can really fuck with you if you have depression or low self-esteem. Try to get out and meet some people, sorry it sounds like you're going through a rough time.
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