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Rant: Being a Traditional Girl

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I’m from a large conservative hindu family. I was raised to be the perfect submissive daughter and I grudgingly still am. I had to do “girl” things only. Be more shy, be more religious, don’t be loud, don’t be a rebel, don’t go out in the sun or get dark, don’t go out at night, don’t wear that, don’t drink this, don’t question so much, don’t use your phone so much, and basically don’t do the things the boys in the family still get away with doing. And god forbid you date. The restrictions are ridiculous but most of my friends face them too so it’s not just my backward family. I realized girls and boys are taught selected skills, and this whole thing falls under the pretence of “culture”. You’re basically supposed to be a beauty queen with all the skills of a housewife and also get a Masters/Doctorate on the side. Oh, after that degree, get married to the man your parents pick and forget about that so called career (unless your husband’s family approves).

In college, I got good grades. I also got attention from guys but I was terrified of it. When a guy asks me out, I would turn him down instantly, just because I didn’t want to disappoint my parents. If I do step out of my comfort zone and go on a date, I feel really guilty. “Don’t do anything that will make your father ashamed. He won’t survive such dishonour” I’ve lost so many opportunities this way in the past few years. I’ve become the stuck up ice queen for most of these guys. I feel like an idiot, a spineless coward for not taking those chances. I have zero relationship experience and I’m 26! I blame my parents as much as I do myself and this stupid society we live in. I’ve reached that age where my family has started lined up guys for me to meet with. I know how this process goes, my sisters went through it too. At the end of the day, even if they say they are progressive, they still want a pretty virgin bride. I know everyone is not like this.
How do you know that you would be happier had you lived the alternative? Just like there's no sense in mourning over having no high school sweetheart, there's no sense in bemoaning the fact that your conditions and the choices you made within them might not be the very best in the world. Take care in your next choices.
Harsh. But you're not alone. My friend is 25, Christian like me, very nice, extremely sheltered, a virgin, etc. I asked her recently to move in with me, and of course eventually be my wife. Instead she insisted I should integrate into her family..as opposed to starting a familyvof our own. Now I don't dislike her family, but there is no room for intimacy around family, no privacy. Long story short, we fell back to being "just friends" yet again..for like the 5th time.
Op, you have my sympathies.

As a guy I went through basically the same process, albeit from a christian perspective.

I never really dated a devout christian, stuck to more cultural christians...maybe I wasn't ready or there was some sort of conflict in our backgrounds. I did eventually end up we a traditionally religious woman and things are going much smoother than any previous relationship I've had.

I had kind of given up on finding anyone decent and then she came into my life and it was just like everything clicked into place. I hope you find someone wonderful, please don't give up hope.
Not an advice post. Not your personal blog.

But I'll cut the crap and say this.
Your fate is sealed.

I know too well of situations like yours. I used to volunteer as part of a peer counselling initiative in University many years ago.

You can say that you're focusing on your career and aren't "looking" to settle down right now to buy you time from your family who seem to be trying to match-make you. But that's all it will buy you, time. And not much of it.

If you have the pressure of wanting to have family + children, you've barely got a few years left to have kids (factoring the time/energy to catch up with them growing up)

Remember, don't expect your first attempt at anything to be successful, relationships or otherwise. Its part of learning and growing, anecdotal evidence and disney movies have someone find their perfect match of the bat. Maturity is on your side though, So enter your first relationship under your own initiative if you must. It WILL be undermined by the lack of approval from your family criticizing his occupation, his family, his earnings. Moreso if you're not of the same race.

Heaven forbid, you try and follow a westernized approach to relationships to explore your avenues to help break the ice queen conditioning and gain confidence, until you find what you want. because if they find your picture with other men on social media, or even get an idea of your activities, your extended family will gossip about you, earning a reputation you will have to live down.

Men your age likely start to have more options for younger, and equally ambitious women from their selection pool. no eyebrows are raised when a 26 y.o dates a 21 y.o.

Or you can have your picking at the pool of men they choose for you, though well intentioned, its largely their opinion of what they THINK you might like, not forgetting that you may be paired due to family politics/status

I wish you luck, I hope you find happiness in whatever action you take.
You'd be surprised as to how many parents tried to do that to people around your age. Thing is, it usually doesn't work because they'll get frustrated in their teenage years and rebel really hard by falling in the opposite extreme. Look at all the fucking highschoolers with piercings and tattoos drinking themselves into oblivion, getting into hard drugs and having sex in dirty toilets. And many of them come from conservative, strict families. It's pretty funny when you see parents lamenting that they did everything right and their kids still turned this way.

But you put up with it like a good girl, haven't you? Didn't inject heroine and take it in the ass from every bum in town. Well maybe your life will be better because of it, but you may also explode when you're thirty something and do everything you thought about doing when you were younger and more.

Either way, you're your own person, not your parents puppet. Once you have the possibility of being financially stable you'll be a manipulable coward if you still live the life your parents chose for you, despite disliking it.
OP grass always seems greener on the other side. White girls you want to emulate or wish you had their kinda freedom would give anything to have parents who would send them to college, take care of them after they turn adults, be there for them all the time. And you are complaining about your parents not wanting you to waste your life, ok they are lil too rigid with their beliefs but which parent would want her daughter to sleep around or get high in her teens. You're just not wise OP gtfo
I try not to talk any action born of an unexamined drive or desire. If upon examining my drive or desire I find that it is built on a negative motivation born of what I call a false face authority I consider if I should reject it. I'd call the expectation of family, friends, society all real or imaginary (neurotic anxiety) a false face authority although there exists some which I accept, especially if they lean towards creating a positive creative possibility which I feel aligns with how I want to be.

By doing this I strive to live more authentically and try to accept that the things I choose to do, I made an active choice to do and as such accept the consequences. To me this is mentally healthier and leaves me with less hang ups and issues around things.

As an example say I want a good job. First off why? Because I'm supposed to have a 'good' job? Because my family told me I'd be worthless without one? Because I've convinced myself that I am worthless without these things? I should have a good job, but I should choose to have a good job because I want to have a good job and I should have better reasons rather than negative motivations born of the expectations real or imaginary of others which are not within my control.

By reorganising a lot of what I do in the physical world like this mentally I'm generally a lot more content. It is like people say, perspective.

I'm 100% biologically Indian. Also from a highly conservative, Christian family. [Sort of an amalgamation of OP's situation and other /adv/isors in the thread.]

So thank god my family upped and moved to a Western country a gazillion miles from India when I was young; and thank god I ended up having a stronger will than my parents. I completely ignored their impositions of culture and what I should do with my life, and I am *so* happy I did. I'm 23 now, and for the most part, my life is now entirely mine, and I am free to do and make whatever I want with it.

There is truth to that old addage - "Disappoint your parents early, and they won't expect anything of you in later life".
I didn't do anything crazy - didn't go having sex or drinking or drugs. I just simply hardened myself against anything anyone told me to do with my life. Like water off a duck's back.

Granted, I'm a guy. My sister had it worse than me. But even she had the foresight to fight as a teenager - to be able to go out; socialize, do what she wants, etc. She's 27 now, has now married a white American guy that *she* found and had a relationship with. And my parents love him. She found a balance between family and independence - so it *is* possible.

I really feel for you, OP. It sounds like you have it far worse than I or my sister ever did. Further, you never made any efforts to fight or subvert familial and societal control. It sounds to me like If you did anything now, the reaction from your family/society would be strong. The key to this sort of thing is gradual action and precedence. Like boiling a frog in slowly heated water. That's the way to build up freedom for yourself while keeping family relationships. At this point I don't know what you could do apart from completely moving by yourself to a far-off, different country, and starting a new life of your own there. Or, I guess you could start your quest now. It could take a while, though.
It's been my experience that family isn't worth anythig if they try to control you. You obviously want to do things. Leave your family and go do them.
As a result of your upbringing you will be MASSIVELY more valuable to men. Like, the girls who act masculine and started fucking at age 12 won't even be able to compete with you, no matter what they look like or even if they're rich.

What you experienced used to be called "normal" and you should stop resenting it.
>autism: the post
it's your life, not your parents'
Thread posts: 14
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