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Any christfag here willing to tell me what dating means to them?

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Any christfag here willing to tell me what dating means to them?

I met a girl who I liked and early on she told me she was abstinent, so I didn't try to pursue her. However that made me wonder what dating means to Christians.

1. Do you think sex is sinful or unnatural or something like that?
2. Do you have a libido?
3. Do you have a physical attraction to your partner? If so, do you think its bad to have these thoughts?
4. If a partner has a high libido or wants lots of sex in their relationship, do you think they're sinful/perverted/addicted to sex/etc.?
5. What's the point of working out and trying to look good if you're never going to show it to anyone?
6. What's the difference between dating someone and just being their really good friend?

I don't understand this point of view.
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1. Christians see sex as perfectly natural and not at all a sin, its a beautiful thing God designed, so since he has no problem with it we don't see any reason to avoid it, (I personally would say that teaching people to view sex as sinful is biblically wrong, and also pretty stupid). Christians (at least, people who actually follow Biblical teaching), see sex as special, it's meant to be the fullest pinnacle of what two people can do together, so it's meant for two people who have united themselves in every other area. Christians believe that establishing only a physical connection with another person (and not also being connected emotionally and otherwise), is ultimately bad for both people involved, and for the health of the relationship too. In summary, Christians don't see any problem with sex so long as it's in the proper context: marriage.
2. Most definitely, and I don’t have a Christian friend who has told me otherwise.
3. For most couples, (Christian, Buddhist, Atheist or what have you), physical attraction is the first step towards building a relationship, it obviously cannot be the only bond between two people or the relationship will fail, it just acts as the catalyst for drawing the two of you together. Christians agree that it’s okay to have a physical attraction to the person your dating, you just shouldn’t let that attraction consume you, focus on their other traits and value them for that as well, because the physical is temporary, but the other stuff will last.
4. One of the Christian married couples I look to as role models have sex on the daily, and that’s not something they’re shy about because they really do love each other, so each is willing to do pretty much anything for the other, and that’s how they’ve made the relationship work for 10 years. So most of us don’t see any problem with sex in marriage so long as its fully consensual (obviously) and takes place between two people who are married.
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5. We want to be healthy, the Bible tells us to let our bodies be temples for the Lord, so we should take care of them. But we also want to look good for each other, I don't think that's sinful, we shouldn't be prideful and believe that because we're "fit" we're better than someone else, but we can still enjoy looking good for the one we love.
6. For many Christians (and this does change based on where you're from, or if your some other denomination that doesn't care about Biblical teaching so much, like the Anglicans or PCA), dating is the process of looking for someone who you really "click" with, someone you'd want to spend the rest of your life with, this is referred to as "intentional dating", and someone following this is someone looking for a marriage partner, Christians still love their friends, but it's a somewhat different kind of relationship.
(This is from the Baptist point of view, which is pretty much the most basic stance on the Bible, no extra toppings)
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I kind of repeated myself a bit there, but I hope that answers some of your questions.
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>>17915842
Thank you! Also a follow up question:

How do you know your sexual compatibility before marriage? Wouldn't you want to know that before deciding to spend the rest of your life with them?
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>>17915880

for over a thousand years people did not know their sexual compatibility. it didnt matter. the person you chose was yours for life, so you just had sex. generally speaking it was females who lost out in this. they would put out for their husbands cuz thats the rules. it wasn't as bad as people today would see it, there is a different mindset when you're raised to believe to serve your husband. men had different mindsets than too, more so about raising a strong family.

in some cases men would lose out in this. men who werent willing to force themselves too much on a woman had to put up with a woman simply not wanting to have sex much or at all.

it was a mixed bag, mostly in favor of men.
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>>17915880
That's actually a really common question, and there's not a single easy answer, but as far as I'm concerned, "sexual compatibility" was never something that seemed crucial to me, it wouldn't make or break a relationship. After all, in a great relationship, you would be able to work on it together, so ultimately the idea of sexual compatibility before marriage never really mattered as much as it may seem to, after all, it's not like you can't talk to the person about your preferences and whatnot before you get married.
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>>17915880
>>17915889

and if you love someone, why should sexual incompatibility be what ruins it? to someone who isn't christian sex might be much more important, but in the eye of god you are only meant to have one partner.

im not christian so im not advocating for it, but in their mind sex is a small detail because its what the relationsihp as a whole means.

for non christians, sex is more important, because you are willing to enjoy the other aspects of people with others. that is to say, sex is important cuz you can only have sex with that one person, whereas you can enjoy the emotional aspects with anyone.

christians are more willing (in general) to work on their relationships, to compromise, to give in, because they believe they should only have that one relationship in life.

whereas non christians are more of the mindset that if it isn't working, its okay to move on.

sexual compatibility also tends to be less of an issue the more monogamous you are. people who only had one partner in their whole life will last longer with that partner because its the only sex they know. where as you'll find that hte more sex you have with different people the HARDER it is to find someone sexually compattible. you get more specific and more open minded.

again not advocating for either lifestyle. each has pros and cons. it depends on the kind of person you are and what oyu want out of life.

im a very independent person so the idea of a christian lifestyle (in terms of marriage, not general religion) simply doesn't appeal to me. even on a basic relationship level i dont like having to answer to someone or explain where ive been or consult someone. i like to do just whatever the fuck i want.

but others live for partnership, thrive off of it.
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This is good. I'm learning a lot.

What does a Christian with a high libido supposed to do? Does he repress it? Is that healthy?
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>>17915880

If both of you have never had sex then neither of you have developed a sexuality by which to be compatible with each other by. The two of you would produce your sexual proclivities in union with each other. Sexual desire is something in part socially constructed and something partially learned through what our experiences were. Most often ourtastes develop from our past sexual experiences. For example, I was never into blondes until I started dating a blonde. The sex was so great that now I associate blonde women with that great sex.

Some women who have been sexually assaulted hate any sort of male aggressiveness in sex because of it, where other girls relate a lack of aggressiveness with them being undesirable, so being dominated turns them on. There is no inherent sexual compatibility/taste to be had, most of it is learned in some way or another. A Christian couple who were chaste beforehand would develop their own sexuality based almost entirely on their experiences together.
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>>17915927
What if one looked at porn beforehand?

Talking from experience, I've never dated anyone, but I have preferences of what I'm into.
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>>17915835
The newly tripped 'TheBaptist' has given you good (if slightly wordy) answers.
Except I would not have said
>For most couples, (Christian, Buddhist, Atheist or what have you), physical attraction is the first step towards building a relationship
which I suspect was just poor phrasing on their part. Several of the couples I know had known each other as friends for a good while first, but friends who "click"ed. Physical attraction was by no means some sort of fundamental first ingredient or catalyst. Also were you using "physical attraction" as a euphemism for sexual attraction, or for finding someone cute? Not really relevant, but I wasn't sure.

I will also add that I have seen some Christian marriages be initiated more quickly than their secular counterpart would have been, which I suspect may be due in part to the desire to live together but also the desire to consummate the relationship physically.
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>>17915911
This is a rather difficult question to answer, but one thing a Christian should do if they're struggling with a high sex drive is to focus on not exacerbating that drive, try not to excite yourself and you may find that your libido you believed was natural was actually a symptom of overstimulation. By abstaining from sexual contact, you aren't necessarily repressing your sexuality, just expressing it in a different way. You should shift your focus to spend your time dwelling on other things. This form of abstinence (as with almost all spiritual disciplines) involved withholding from yourself something natural, in this case you would do so until you can find the proper frame for it, which in the Christian life is marriage
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>>17915943
I would agree with you that that was mostly poor phrasing on my part, I should contribute further that I agree that the strongest of romantic relationships grow out of an existing friendship, because the friendship really does emphasize the value of the person more than a spontaneous connection prompted by physical attraction, although in the modern sense of "dating" this attraction is the catalyst, I personally feel that establishing a relationship as friends is important, and a better first step.
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>>17915927
This is an interesting observation.
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>>17915896
>>17915889
>>17915905
>>17915927
Fantastic thread. As a religious person, non-Christian, I enjoy hearing the Christian perspective. Enlightening.
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Christianity is an extremely varied collection of beliefs. Protestants, Catholics, and Orthodox are all pretty spread out in the way they view different things, and even within each of those groups there can be disagreement on a huge range of subjects.
In order to say what dating the girl you're asking about means, we'd need to know her specific denomination.
As an Eastern Catholic that grew up in a Protestant family and has Orthodox leanings, I can answer your questions though. It could be helpful, but like I said there's plenty of variation and something I take to be absolutely essential in Christian theology could be inconsequential to someone else.
1. According to any interpretation of scripture, sex outside of a loving, committed relationship is sinful. Some groups extend this to long term relationships, but most will insist sex occurs only within marriage. The view isn't that it's sinful in itself, it's that its purpose is to exist within the proper context of marriage and anything outside of that is a perversion.
2. I can guarantee that all Christians possess a libido unless they've experienced some sort of hormonal deficiency from a young age that prevented them from developing, just as in everyone else. Personally I have a very high sex drive.
3. The general viewpoint here is similar to the viewpoint with sex. Physical attraction is unavoidable, but Jesus specifically states that looking upon someone lustfully is an adulterous act. So in order to justly look upon someone lustfully, it is generally believed that you ought to at the very least be in a committed relationship with them.
4. A high libido is something you tend to not be able to have a control over. Wanting a lot of sex tends to be counter to biblical teaching, and so someone that wants a lot of sex outside of marriage or a committed relationship depending on denomination is by definition acting sinfully.
5. Someone will eventually see it, and it's still useful to be able to attract (cont.)
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>>17915972
(cont.) someone of the opposite sex, whether sex will happen right away or not. There's also the whole thing about exercise being useful for health reasons. It's pretty stupid to lift just to attract women, and you won't make it very far if that's your sole motivation.
6. Physical and emotional intimacy is not outlawed. Kissing and cuddling are not things you do with your good friends. There are also emotional connections you form with people you view romantically that you don't with people you view purely as a friend. Subjects you won't talk about, sides of yourself you wouldn't show to others, that kind of stuff.

With all that said, most Christians still end up having sex before marriage or outside of committed relationships because it's honestly difficult not to.
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>>17915693
I believed in abstinence until I met "the guy" and I couldn't control my hormones anymore. I know it is a sin but it's too late now.
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>>17915986
It's never really "too late", forgiveness forms a fairly large chunk of Christianity you know. Also, you should take heart, and remember 1 Corinthians 10:13 "The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure."
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>>17915992
The temptation was more than I could stand and cannot regain my virginity. So God didn't show me a way, instead I did all I could to get the guy alone and when he touched me I nearly fainted.
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>>17915972
Sorry I didn't mention her denomination beforehand. She was a Protestant Christian. If that changes anything I'm interested in hearing it.

>>17915981
When it comes to kissing and cuddling it seems arbitrary to cut it off there. Kissing is a way of being really intimate with each other. Sex just seems like the natural next step. Both involve you exchanging bodily fluids.
And I talk to my really close friends about my darkest secrets, I don't need to be dating them to tell them that. I can trust someone 100% and not date them at the same time.
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>>17916002
We're promised an escape from temptation, but we're only promised one, you willingly gave in to the temptation and rejected what escape you may have had. I can't fault you of course, I've done the same, but I realize now that my temptations I could have withstood if I had remained faithful, I've repented of them, and asked for the forgiveness God offers us all. So I would urge you then to ask Him for forgiveness, you see what you did as a sin, and while you can't regain your physical virginity, you can achieve spiritual purity once more.
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Ignore this American "fundamentalist" bullshit. King David had hundreds of wives, concubines and lovers, he even killed a guy to fuck his wife. But after all that he was still forgiven and went to heaven etc etc and so on and so forth.
Have as much sex as you want, try not to harm anyone and if you can leave the world better than when you came then that'd be great.
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>>17916003
>She was a Protestant Christian. If that changes anything I'm interested in hearing it.
It honestly makes it harder to pin down. Protestants can range from being absolutely puritan in the way they approach sex to being the most open to it. To give you an example, I have protestant cousins that are purity ring wearing, straight edge, and very conservative, but I also have protestant cousins that party, have more sex with more people than anyone I know, and are extremely liberal. Hell, the girl I lost my virginity to is a protestant and hadn't even kissed anyone before me, but was perfectly willing to have sex with me despite neither of us wanting to call it a relationship.
>When it comes to kissing and cuddling it seems arbitrary to cut it off there.
The big difference being that sex cannot result in pregnancy, and kissing does not result in the same emotional connection that sex does.
>And I talk to my really close friends about my darkest secrets
Seems kind of strange to me, but this is still a very deep level of emotional intimacy, and when mixed with physical intimacy and the title of boyfriend or girlfriend, the relationship is treated in a very different way.
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>>17916033
Yeah, OP, this guy's got it. If you ignore the entirety of the new testament and read the old testament with the mentality of a mentally deficient child, this is the conclusion you come to.
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I have never seen a religious thread go on for as long as it has without neckbeards spamming their superiority atheist complexes all over the place. Any other people with different religions have their take on sexuality and is it really different?
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>>17916038
I guess she was more of the puritan type then because she didn't want anything more than kissing.

>Seems kind of strange to me
I have male friends who I trust but I obviously can't date because I'm straight. That doesn't mean I shouldn't talk to them about anything though. They know who I am and know that I don't have any bad intentions. We understand that we're both humans with flaws. The only difference between them and any potential relationship I have with someone is that I'm not attracted to them physically or sexually.

I was actually surprised that when I asked that Christian girl what she wanted out of a relationship, she said she wanted to be able to talk about anything with someone. I thought why can't she just do that with her friends?
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>>17916033
Lad, this thread isn't prescribing anything, it's simply answering the OP's question. No need to feel so triggered (though such a reaction is an encouraging testament to the God-given human conscience).

>Ignore this American "fundamentalist" bullshit
>try not to harm anyone and if you can leave the world better than when you came then that'd be great.
If these are what the options for Biblical interpretation are, I'll stick with "American fundamentalism", jej.
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>>17915693
Here's the correct answer, even though I don't always follow it.

Sex is a sin outside of the sacrament of marriage. Period. We date not to bust nuts but to find wives. We work out to be healthy and attractive so that we will get a wife.

It's not unnatural for a man or woman to have sexual feelings, but it is wrong to wantonly act upon them.

All this being said, I still do it. Not as much as I used to, but is do.
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