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How to cope with break ups

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Today I was completely blind sided by my ex boyfriend breaking up with me right after we got home from a new year's party. To him these feelings and thoughts of trying to find excuses to break up with me had been there for a while without my knowledge until he finally let me know about them today. We talked very rationally about this and despite my efforts to let him know that I'm still invested and willing to change if it at all helps the situation he made it clear to me that he's not willing to try and work things out.

I'm- completely shocked and wounded by this, both by its unexpected nature and the fact that he didn't tell me how it felt until it was far too late to try and fix that situation before it got to this point. He needs to do what's best for him and if he thinks that's breaking up with me I can't stop him, but it feels like I'm letting this long term relationship go without a fight. It feels like he's still keeping his thoughts and feelings gaurded from me and only really saying he wants to break up without explaining why or where things went wrong.

I woke up from a nap today thinking it was just a bad dream. What's transpired hasn't really sunk in yet, it just feels so surreal and I found myself reaching out to hug him as if he was still my boyfriend.

We will be living with each other for a little while and I need help figuring out how to not make things further awkward while we are still in the house together. We're both pretty mature and I don't think either of us will be pretty with each other throughout the break up, but what are some of the things I should avoid doing asides from the obvious?

As well time will help fill the pain, but I need to find coping methods to help deal with the emotions as they come. What do you suggest?

No one can tell me how to feel, everyone is different and each break up has varriables hard to explain, but should I feel mad or betrayed that this is happening with no warning?
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I don't thing either of us will be petty*
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Hey OP

Sorry you had to go through this. Even with warning most people would feel mad or betrayed, especially if the reasons he's given you for wanting the breakup seem insignificant.

I would talk to him about it again and make sure he's really certain about his opinions. I might even ask you what reasons he gave? If you two had a long term relationship then breaking up suddenly could be weak, suspicious, groundless, or any combination.

If he's extra super totally sure that he's done and can't work through any differences, then one of you needs to move out asap. And you'll need to gradually accept the change, find emotional stability and confidence, and pursue new outlooks (or not, your choice).
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>>17914342
Don't be passive-aggressive, explore new hobbies and hang with your friends.
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>>17914424

I want to talk to him some more about it, but I don't think it can be right now. Maybe later tonight or the next day whenever a good opportunity comes up, but for now I want to give him space to think things through. I don't want my feelings to make me sound bitter or angry. I'm sad, but I just don't want my emotions making him feel guilty and pressured into doing something he doesn't want to like trying to stay in a relationship and fix things when he really doesn't want to.

Tomorrow I'm talking with some mental health specialist to help with this emotional stress that may make previous issues harder to deal with just as a precautionary measure to make sure with whatever happens in the future it does so healthily.

As to answer your question the reason he gave is that he doesn't think we are healthy for each other. We've lived together for close to over three years and been together for nearly two years. Those years have not been easy because of things happening in my life out of my control and me not taking enough action to take care of myself fully after the fact. He's been supportive throughout many of the hardships, but as things are finally stable and I'm at a recovery point where I've started working again and going out more is when he wants to break up. I'm afraid our relationship will just be memories of me going through the hardest moments of my life only to be cut off short before I can show him the best of me. I'm worried his impression of me and our relationship is just me at my worst.
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>>17914424
Part 2

To give context he rescued me from a emotionally and physically abusive household, only to move in with really shitty roommates who also verbally berated me because of their own short comings, to being a witness to murder before we moved into a place of our own. Within the first few months of moving in I was in therapy for about a year and then started working again just this summer. I've almost paid off all my school debt and we were at the point where we were at the point of planning out our plan for purchasing a house in the next two to three years.

I can understand the pressure of me being in a bad place being too hard on a relationship to cause him to want to break up, but it completely baffled me that now when things are very positive and we're starting to be able to afford to go out more and save up for big ticket items he then decides now he wants to break up. Maybe he just didn't want to leave me when I was at a really low point, but I'll never be able to tell because he was a good friend and boyfriend throughout it all and not once until now did it seem like his feelings have changed. It'll be something to further ask him about.

Moving out right away is going to be especially difficult for me. If he leaves I can't afford to be on my own, and if I leave right away I don't know where I would be going and further more I'm so far away from everyone I would have to purge most of my things just to move on my own. I'll have to plan this in the near out soon, but be assured I'll probably figure something out even if it's difficult.
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Sorry for the mistakes in my writing, I'm really tired. Hopefully it doesn't read like a train wreck.
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>>17914426

That's really good advice. I'll be careful to avoid being passive aggressive. That kind of behaviour will only make things worse and harder to deal with between now and when we move out. At the very least we have to give two months notice of the lease.
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Read a summary of "crucial conversations"
Pick up meditation and learn about self-witnessing
Read http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person_p2/?page=full
Start journaling.
Has helped me with many conclusions, and has helped to fuel and stabilize my current relationship.
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>>17914555

Thank you, when I'm feeling up to it I'll try giving those a look-see. I'm just a little too tired to do so right at this moment. Thank you for the advice.
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I'm in kind of the same boat op. I hope you feel better
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>>17914342
wow OP I'm not gonna read all that
it's easier to tell a story by pictures
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>>17914593

I hope you feel better too. Just take time to heal and don't allow yourself to use another person to rebound onto. It's scary being alone, but you need to know that you can survive like that before searching for another. You need to be okay with yourself before taking that step forward. Though that's honestly the last thing on my mind that I want to do, I've just seen it happen so many times before to people that I know who can't stand being alone.

Try healthy coping methods to discract yourself, know that you'll be okay and that you are worth loving and try to allow this to push you forward positively even though it hurts now. You'll be okay.

If need be use your supports crisis hotlines work well, friends, family, and thinking about the things you couldn't do before as a coupled person.

It for instance always wanted a kotatsu and a pet, but it was made very clear to me that neither of those things were an investment the other really wanted to have in their house.
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>>17914426
>>>17914342 (OP)
>Don't be passive-aggressive, explore new hobbies and hang with your friends.


Best advice ever do things you liked when you where younger also helps... I loved sculpturing when I was 17 ... I picked that up after my last break up and it helps to focus on something and you have something to keep or gift after you are finished
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>>17914342
>im know that I'm still invested and willing to change if it at all helps the situation he made it clear to me that he's not willing to try and work things out.

trying to change yourself to please somebody else is almost a guaranteed fail

>I need help figuring out how to not make things further awkward while we are still in the house together

act like roomates only discuss cleaning the kitchen paying the bills etc if he wants to discuss relationship stuff let him initiate it

and move out as soon as you can

sorry
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Are you me OP?

My girlfriend of 5y, lived with 3y, absolutely blind sided me by breaking up with me start of December. To sum it up, she couldn't handle my NEETism any longer and my severe social anxiety/depression were just too much and she knew I wouldn't change/she couldn't fix me and at that point I was only holding her back.

I stayed for a week before I moved out and it was probably the biggest mistake I made, we were still kind of cuddly but all the things we did like sex, seeing each other naked and what not were gone. We had to close the doors while showering, she was annoyed when I tried to do things to show her I still loved her and absolutely HATED talking about trying to fix things.

Get out ASAP. Because you'll realise as soon as you move they will start moving away from you emotionally faster than you could ever believe, my ex practically hates me now and all I've done is asked her for emotional support because she had months to prepare for this but I didn't see it coming at all. She only wants to be in my life if I'm not 'emotional' and stop bringing things up every time we talk, we went from seeing each other every single day to only having seen her once this month and even then she didn't seem to want it and has never started conversation with me unless I start it, never instigates to hang out and cuts the conversation off as soon as she can. I'm almost 100% certain she's talking to the guy that I found out she was talking to a few weeks before leaving me, although she told me she asked him to stop talking to her cause once he found out she was single he turned the creep factor up by 10000% I think she liked the 'new, exciting' attention from somebody that is fun and not emotionally draining. She always fell asleep around 9 at the latest for the whole duration of our relationship but I see her active on facebook messenger every 20-30 minutes up until around midnight which was the time she spoke to him when I found her messages the first time.
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>>17915010

By change I mean taking a positive change for myself that would in turn make the relationship we had less stressful and more like two compitent adults in a romantic relationship and less of him feeling like a care taker if he ever did feel like one. I'm not talking about changing my personality or interests, but rather taking a further step forward for my health and put my all into my rehebilitation and relationship now that I know what's on the line.

But he was already beyond the point of doing that because he never told me his feelings until now when it was unbearable.

Either way I'm taking this as my question to get me some help regardless and I just got off the phone with a crisis team organiser to set up a short term action plan to get me long term support. We listed support systems for me like the crisis line, calling them back during the day, walk in clinics, my GP, different places for counciling, and if need be if I don't feel safe from myself the hospital is always an option when all other coping methods fail.
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>>17915083
Trust me, I'm >>17915042

The damage was already done a LONG time ago, any changes you make now should only be for yourself and it's almost guaranteed to be too late for him no matter what you do, he was sick and tired of being a carer long ago but obviously took him this long to find the courage to actually end it.

I don't mean to sound cruel but I was in your exact same position. I found a job, started working out and cut out all the 'cancer' in my life that was making me unhappy in the month since she left me, but it doesn't mean diddly squat to my ex any more. She just spouts the 'you should only be doing it for yourself, not me, I was nothing special and you'll find somebody better than me' schtick. Aka she's probably going to be the one moving on sooner rather than later with somebody else while I'm still an emotional wreck.
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>>17915042

It sounds like you're still traumatised by what's happened. I can only hope that you use your support systems if you have any to help you through this and some your previous problems if you find it too overwhelming to deal with yourself.

I think for now you should just cease all contact with your ex especially if you're hung up on where they went wrong and who they're talking to romantically before or after the break up if only for your own mental ease. You can't focus on moving on if you're continually reminded of her.

If anything try to focus on your health and your relationship with yourself. You'll find that you will be stronger for it and it takes some of the focus away from your ex which may be needed.

It hurts I know, especially when you wonder where the tipping point was or if there was anything you could have done differently to change the outcome. But it doesn't change the reality and if they are not willing to work on the relationship with us there is no way for us to salvage our relationships.

She doesn't sound like she's capable of supporting you, which is I guess the reason she gave for the break up, so look for support from friends, family, medical care, and mental health crisis lines in the meantime. Litterally anyone else because it's too much for her to handle and you deserve to have someone who wants to be there to support you.

Gosh I wouldn't want to be cuddly after that. I felt so weird when I hugged him last night. That's the kind of behaviour I need to try and avoid because I don't want to treat the relationship romantically as I'm used to after we've broken up. I do need to move, but it's too much to deal with all at once and I can't afford to be in two places at once let alone move right away.
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>>17915042
Forgot a picture.
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>>17915083

Either way I'm taking this as my que to get some help*
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>>17915096
This is the problem, I have no support system outside my family and they can't help me with anything outside a place to stay, and I hate every second I'm back living with them anyway because I'm nearly 30 and never thought I'd ever be back here, or single again for that matter.

All my friends have come out of the woodwork to take pity on me but a major reason I was so unhappy was because they were such shit friends in the first place, they completely abandoned each other and me when they got girlfriends (which they've done before too but never learnt from it, unlike me who was still trying to hold onto those friendships) but now I hate them and don't want any of them in my life because they were one of the driving forces causing my depression. Which led my to isolate myself and my ex became my best friend, whom now couldn't feel like anymore of a stranger. The way she's treated me this past month makes her seem like a completely different person and it feels like she harbours absolutely no positive feelings for me what so ever, only over a month ago we shared a bed and we're in love (Or so I thought) and now I'm sleeping alone and have nobody to talk to, ever.

I wrote a suicide note last night and I've decided I'm probably going to hang myself in the next week, I'm meant to go back to work on Wednesday and nobody will be home so I'm going to call an ambulance and then jump off the chair in the garage. All my financial affairs should be in order so nobody will be left with the burden of my funeral costs. My place on this earth has never felt my own and my ex was the only thing that made sense, if I didn't meet her I would have killed myself long ago, so I'm not doing this because of her.

I hope things work out better for you than they have for me, I truly do. I wish I could have met a girl like you who could understand me emotionally rather than just keep pushing me aside until I wasn't worth entertaining anymore.
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Do it you puss
>>17915105
Do it you pussy. Make sure your note blames everyone but yourself.
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>>17914342

I've been broken up with my Gf of 2 years for a week.

All I can recommend is working out. I went to the gym maybe 2 or 3 times a week at most previously but now I go everyday and I feel fantastic.

Go so hard that you are too tired to even think of him. I have had a loss of appetite but a week on and now my appetite is back. As a girl all you need to do is squats and abs, compared to a guy who has to do much more... give it a go
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>>17915105

I really hope that you reconsider your suicide. Things don't look good as they are now, but you can move past from this and begin to form a better life by changing your perspective on your situation. Family, friends, and old exes may be shit, but there is more out there for you. You just have to be willing to make changes for yourself. Most of my good friends I've made over the internet either through gaming, forums, or pesterchum. Without them the world would feel a lot more inhabitable. Try to expand your search area for comradery and in the meantime while you make friends call a crisis hotline. Without them I surely would have commited suicide a long time ago, but most places through them can link you to a crisis team which can help you prepare an immediate plan to get you the support you clearly need.

Please take care of yourself. It would be sad to see you leave the world because of your depression.
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>>17915111

That's honestly what I want to do after I fight off this cold. I hope I can find an apparentment with a gym membership that I can get, or maybe somewhere with a pool to help it make it easier to get to. But I can always start working out from home.
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>>17915110

You missed the opportunity to say do a flip pussy, but also fuck you get out of my thread.
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>>17915379
I realize now do a flip makes no sense, unless they do a flip into the noose, but that's not the point.
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Been about 2 months for me, her reasons were vague but it was enough for me. I knew why for the most part, but you really never know. All that matters are the lessons to take from it. Be better and strive to work on yourself for you.
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OP, you sound like you're taking this very maturely. I unfortunately did what your boyfriend did to my last girlfriend - but not after a ton of careful thought and consideration to if I thought the relationship could be "fixed" by her changing. I determined it couldn't, that many of the issues were fundamentally about me, and any more time spent with her would really just be a lie.

So, I would accept your fate, since he said he's not willing to try.

My whole point is that "it's not you, it's me," while cliche, can be an honest reason for a breakup. Whether it's him not being able to put up with the emotional strain of your fighting, or the feeling that living together is harmful to him, it's valid.

I wish I could give you more advice on how to deal with this - but I've never been blindsided by a breakup before, so it's not something I have experience in.

If you have questions about my thought process, I'll check into the thread for a while, but if not, I hope this gets better for you quickly!
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>>17915523

Why did you hide your feelings? Did it feel easier at the time? Did you just not really know what you wanted? Did you do it for her to wait for a better time? If you could do things better be changing the past could it affect the outcome to be better now?

Was she able to get passed being blindsided? How do you feel after it all? Was it hard for you to do? Were you okay in the end?

I just want him to be happy, but I don't know if it means fighting for this relationship or not.
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