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I'm a shut in because spending my free time with people is boring 50% of the time and frustrating 30%. It just doesn't feel like a good decision to gamble for a 20% chance at a good time when staying at home is consistently enjoyable. I get a weird mix of guilt and loneliness about it though. I feel bad that I treat friends like they're boring, I can't help that curiosity and lightheartedness come up so rarely in my mood.
I get scared that I'm going to lose all of my not-so-close friends because I can't seem to care enough. I try desperately to be a good person to try to stop that from happening but I'm terrified my motives will become visible and I'll be exposed as a fake. I think that's why I have trouble finding motivation to be myself socially because I fear I'll be judged to the core of my being. Every single action I take when people are around is calculated to avoid vulnerability or engagement. My personality is caught in a knot, how do I untie it? Sorry if incoherent
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I prescribe more alcohol.
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>17912555
Alcohol helps a lot but I'm not a big fan of drinking. I work an early shift and I huge stickler for a full nights sleep (another reason I prefer to stay in). Drinking seems to always extend a hangout to at least a couple hours later than I intended to stay then boom, late for work the next day because I slept through my alarm.
Your comment made me feel more normal though. I've heard all kinds of people talking about how they NEED alcohol to socialize and it never occurred to me that their experience relates to mine.
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>>17912582
I can relate I hardly ever drink. Your right a lot of people do feel they need alcohol to socialise I know it helps me a lot socially because I am quite an inhibited person.
I think you just have to learn to accept the kind of person you are and realise that there is nothing wrong with being you.
There is no right or wrong answer, life is a trick question. What makes you happy?
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Stop avoiding engagement. That's the opposite of what you want to do if you want to learn to enjoy being around people.
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>>17912636
That is good advice but the point I was trying to make is that being myself is a source of conflict. There's a part of me that wants to be able to isolate myself from others whenever I please because I'm easily overwhelmed and prone to overthinking things. The other part wants to make people happy. A lot of people that I care about seem to find my energy preserving behavior insulting. I feel like I have no good options, someone is going to be let down and I am going to feel bad inside no matter what I do.
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>>17912656
I think you are correct but the cost of engagement is always so high. Whenever I try to be a more social person and accept more invitations I burn out within a couple of weeks.
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Ever heard the expression "Those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter"?
Just be upfront with people around you. If you get some negative flack from friends then say that you just like some time to yourself sometimes. Either they will become friends that don't mind or people that don't matter.
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