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I took an estimated 10 lives throughout my military career. At

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I took an estimated 10 lives throughout my military career. At the time, it made me feel primal, gave me a rush, I felt like a fucking man. It's a year since my contract ended and I'm beginning to see their faces. I see all of them. I hear them, almost. They express themselves, I find myself talking to them. I'll see them, or imagine them I should say, and they ask me why I did it. I tell them I had no choice, and they call me on my bullshit. I ask them why THEY were killing US. It always evolves into some almost friendly conversation, just talking about life, and death, and everything in between.

How do I get them out of my head? I can't go to a psych, any mental diagnosis will get me booted from my work. I just never want to see them again.
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Are you schizophrenic? If yes, you probably know it's just your subconscious. You understand your troubles, but you need to forgive yourself, and if that doesn't work, find faith.

I know it's bullshit for most people when they hear it, but prayer can help the mind. Either way, don't be stuck in the wave of guilt.
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>>17908627
I don't think I have any mental illnesses, I feel like they would have been noticed long ago. I'm usually very aware of my emotions and thoughts. And I've tried prayer, I've tried religion, I just felt like after doing what I've done, seeing what I've seen, experiencing what I've experienced, they're can't be a loving gentle being that overlooks all of us, and if he does, why the fuck are me and my brothers I fought with being left out? Why are the people we fought being left out? I know it sounds edgy, almost, but religion just isn't for me. Maybe when I mature it will grow on me.
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>>17908631
My partner was in the military as well, he saw his friend shot dead and survived three bullets in the chest, injuries on the head and leg. He had ptsd for a long time and it also took him a lot of mental healing to get over it.

You don't need religion to be spiritual but there is suffering in you and it's actually good you experience it now than later, because you understand this suffering. Maybe instead of looking down on yourself, try to do something good, help people, give those who also suffer a chance to speak out. Sometimes by doing something meaningful it will help you rebuild your mind.

In another case, if you can not relax and feel restless, I learned that cannabis can help (it did for my partner, because he really had a troublesome past and panic attacks quite often).

Whatever you choose to do, I hope this advice helps, I can not say much, but I know you feel pain and if you learned your problems and ask for forgiveness you will be forgiven. In any case, it might not mean much to you, but I'll pray for you too, for your well being and hope you get better.
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You have post traumatic stress disorder. You have to really own it but not in a negative light, there is absolutely NO shame to be had in killing Muslims, they're the white mans 2nd longest enemy next to the Jews, and they were allies with the Jews for the entirety of that. So when you ask yourself why they were killing you its because Muslims hate western civilization, they view everything about you, from your skin color and racially defining features to your ideas and lifestyle totally abhorrent.

These low IQ savages don't view you as a brother in arms as if this were a European war, honor and Justice escapes these savages. They only know eye for an eye, violence to beget violence, endless turmoil. There is no levity or relaxation in a peaceful society for them. In a peaceful society Muslims constantly grow more angry at everyone around them and eventually lash out in violent outrage, its been this way since the Ottoman Empire broke down, and before that the Ottoman Empire was less interested in wiping each other out and much more interested in wiping out all of Europe and Eastern China.

You're making the mistake of trying to humanize something that does not humanize you, they think of you as a beast, a sub-human, a pest to be rid of not a creature of even competitive rights or abilities.
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This sounds very much like PTSD, my friend; a very serious condition, as you must already know, which requires treatment from a professional. I am aware that you said the reason as to why you have not gone to see a licensed official is due to not wanting to lose your job, but your well-being is what needs to be the first priority on your list. Do you have family, friends - any supportive individuals that could aid you in your journey to be at peace with yourself?

Nevertheless, the past is the past and can never be erased - in fact, a big step towards recovering from PTSD requires accepting your past and being face to face with what it is that is haunting you, and then mustering up the courage to gradually move on. It takes time, steps forwards and some backwards, hardships here and there - but it is possible.

Thank you very much for your service; I genuinely hope you can ease this weight off your shoulders and feel the relief you deserve. Yes, you deserve it, friend. Please do not let yourself think otherwise. If it may be of help to you, here is a webpage of an organization which provides assistance to affected soldiers in need: https://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/
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>>17908655
Also, maintain a similar health regiment that you did in the military, generally mental health problems worsen with physical health problems.
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>>17908655
To stress my point, you were literally fighting demons that take pleasure in death, animals.
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>>17908657
I have a fiance, she's great, I'd just rather burden her with what I'm going through. I don't to drag others in, I've already affected too many people negatively. And I try to get over the past, to tell myself I had no choice, but I did. I had a choice before I got myself into it, I chose that MOS with pride, I didn't HAVE to pull the trigger. It was all free-will. I find myself trying to accept what I've done, but I feel like it's just me selfishly trying to avoid guilt.
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>>17908673
Sorry, I'm forgetting to type words words.
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>>17908621
Serbian here. My friend was in the special ops in Bosnia. Lost a leg. Dunno how many he killed, never asked him, but since he was there for the whole show, probably a lot. Was going through some shit psychologically, suicidal occasionally, gambling a lot. Met a good woman. Lives with her, has a daughter. It transformed him. He is literally killing himself over the two of them (as in walking on his plastic leg carrying the daughter around till the docs tell him to lie down and not move for a few weeks). But he is fully alive now and happy. It takes time and big effort. He isn't average, has more inner strength than almost anyone I met.
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>>17908621
Idk, my granddad only killed one person during WWII, he was beating himself up over it for 60+ years... He was still wondering in his old years whether the other guy would have killed him or not if he wouldn't have shot him.
It won't just go away, you have to dig down and work through those emotions to deal with them.
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If you do ayahusca, you can apologize one by one to each of the 10 people, ask what they need from you, and if you can give it to them, your haunting/visions will end. It could take a 20 day retreat though, I guarantee it will make you feel better if you do it with the right intentions/ a good shamen. A lot of these spirits just want to communicate so something to you, and once they are satisfied that you have heard and understand it, they will leave you alone.
check out this website
http://ayaadvisors.org/

A lot of these retreats are deigned for exactly what you have. My advice is is to do a longer retreat.
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>>17908621
go score some propranolol off the deep web and search google scholar for propranolol+ptsd to read about why
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>>17908621
this is the nature of combat. they knew what they were signing up for, same as you did. it could just as easily have been you that ended up dead, anon. nobody enlists without full knowledge that they could be killed. you do the dead (both allies and enemies) a disservice by living in doubt.
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>>17908673
There is no point trying to bullshit yourself into avoiding guilt. Accept it fully. It's unlikely that you'll ever get them out of your head, so your best call isn't fighting it but letting it happen without getting consumed by it. War is always ugly and every side does horrible things, no matter how noble their initial goals were.

It's not like you killed unarmed combatants, right? You and these guys participated in this mess knowing how it could end. It was your choice but it also was theirs.
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>>17908621
Smoke weed, mah nigga. Alternatively, just gotta dig deep and cope. It sucks to have to grapple with crap like that, but everybody goes through internal turmoil, obviously not like yours, but maybe some meditation or something will help you come to terms with it all
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Dad went to bed early one night complaining about a pain in his chest. When I was half-asleep I heard him calling me but I thought he just wanted me to get up and ignored it. When I got up some hours later he was dead. That haunts me to this day. I was the one person that could have saved him, and instead I was silent. I could never tell anyone in real life this horrible secret.
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>>17909546
Holy shit. This sounds like some scary depressing shit to live with, not really your fault but hard not to blame yourself for it.
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>>17909546
I feel you buddy. 68W for 4 years. It's hard living with that guilt, knowing you could have done something. I still haven't found a way to cope with it, but just know, I know what you're going through my friend.
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>>17908621
>All these idiot stoners advocating OP use psychoactive drugs while he's experiencing mental disturbances

Jesus Christ you uneducated fucks are going to make the man go into psychosis.

OP, what is your occupation because this cannot be treated with prescription medication and supervision from a medical professional. Any other treatment will either not work (trying to tough it out) or could back fire and make things worse (taking unregulated drugs in a non medical environment).

With the ADA, if you're working in anything that has more than 15 workers or is federal and you can show you can perform the core duties of the job, they cannot discriminate against you due to your illness. You need to go see a psychiatrist or at least a psychologist. Either way, chances are one will also advice you see the other as well but that is beside the point.
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>>17909903
>cannot be treated without* prescription medication

Also if anyone starts talking about an injection into your neck to help, all the research I've seen on it shows it's a sham.

If you're wondering more about it, there's a bundle of nerves on the back of the neck called the stellate ganglion nerves which are associated with the fight or flight response. Generally it is believed that PTSD boils down to a hyper alert fight or flight system so using anesthesia on these nerves could help restart the whole system or at least make it calm down. It got big in the media but the results couldn't be replicated in two well controlled studies.
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>>17908621
>I can't go to a psych

too late pal

if what you typed in op is accurate you need some professional help you're already cracking

you try a "therapist" pay cash stay off insurance get a 2nd opinon maybe referral

but again your head hasproblems & if your njob depen ds on this its timefor a different job

redpill sorry
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>>17909916
I would never even consider using any of those medications. I got my "medical education" early in life when I was committed involuntarily based on complete bullshit, and I noticed the demographics of the people around me (mostly old, naive), and I read and read and talked with the people there and it became clearer and clearer what a racquet it all is. Basically the only two things they can do is 1) stimulate you or 2) anaesthetize you, this is literally all of what the current medications boil down to. And don't even think of taking antipsychotics, those permanently damage the brain. Psychiatry tries to blend in with serious medicine when it's a complete fraud.
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>>17908621
I know you're trying to make it sound like you're a super tough, hardened, PTSD ridden clint eastwood - back in nam' kinda thing.

But the fact of the matter is you are showing traits of schizophrenia which likely has absolutely nothing to do with your tours. Schizophrenia alot of times manifests itself pretty late into life without any signs leading up to it's emergence . You need a psychiatrist as any other person suspected of mental illness.
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>>17908621
There's no asterisk in
> Thou shall not kill.

You are being punished by God for sinning and reveling in the murders you've committed.

A psychiatrist can give you pills to forget, but you won't escape payment for the lives you took.
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>>17910049
stop feeding his belief that he's some apocalypse now movie character, what he's describing is how movies display PTSD, not real life.

He is showing tall-tale signs of psychosis from mental illness, unrelated to his tours.
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>>17910035
Bullshit. I'm a medical student, drugs are far more complicated than that and I have personally witness them save many of lives. Just because you had one bad experience with the system does not mean the whole thing is a sham.

Plus I guarantee you have no clue about vast amount of effects these medication can provide. Here's a good example, everyone and their mother thinks they know how SSRIs work but what they know is bs. They do not work because they give you more serotonin as people with depression have normal serotonin levels and if this was how the drugs worked then just taking one dose would have someone feeling better within minutes. Currently research suggest SSRI work because increased serotonin stimulates neurotrophin production which reverses the atrophying of the hippocampus shown in those with major depressive disorder. This is extremely dumbed down for explanation obviously.

Do you see how complicated the real deal is? Some shitty institutions do resort to simply sedating patients but most medical professionals have sacrificed so much in their life to help others and they can help you. If you don't want it fine, but we can do a hell of a lot more than stimulate or anesthetize trust me.

But ignoring my rant I do understand considering your experience why you might be hesitant to be medicated up. I hope I didn't sound to assholish. I would suggest you enlist for therapy with a cognitive behavioral psychologist
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Who made OP's pic?
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>I took an estimated 10 lives throughout my military career.

okay...

>At the time, it made me feel primal, gave me a rush, I felt like a fucking man.

go on...

>It's a year since my contract ended and I'm beginning to see their faces. I see all of them. I hear them, almost.

well, yeah - what did you expect would happen?

It isn't like this is some secret or anything - it is one of the Classic mythic arcs involving a person who goes off to war, comes back after killing other humans, and finds out he has to deal with the aftermath of how it changed him.

Heck, that's what freaking Xena Warrior Princess was all about - how she dealt with what she did and how she redeemed her past.

You might want to look into doing something like that...
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