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Alright, /adv/, how many of you have tried getting back together

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Alright, /adv/, how many of you have tried getting back together with an ex? Did you succeed? What went right and what went wrong?

I know that the usual advice is "lol forget them and move on" but I'm interested to see if this is actually borne out by people's experiences
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I did. Lasted a month longer and that breakup was even worse.

Find another girl to keep you company.
No ex to go back. Feels bad :(
It works but there are just so many times that it will. Until they lose all respect and attraction of you to be more exact.
yes i succeeded, but it wasnt the right time to and she broke up with her current guy for me, a week later she dumped me again for him and it was on and off a bit til i totally decided i wasnt doing it anymore and pretty much told her to fuck off.

looking back it would have meber worked and id be unhappy cause shes a fucking NUT, dodged a 50 cal bullet
these pretty mich, for a little itll be great but after the period went by theyll break up again or you will because the things that lead to the first breakup will come back and YES it will be a lot worse
monitoring this thread because this is exactly the situation im in
Interesting. Would I be right in assuming that you weren't separated for long/didn't chance many of the things that contributed to the breakup?
it didn't work for me.

We tried to make it work for a year, but really it was over before it started.

Sure once in awhile we'd both have some emotional breakdown and really need eachother, but it was only 'cause of the pain we'd each caused eachother.

eventually I ended things, and she was devastated, but the week prior we had a conversation where she was talking about ending it.
I've gotten ex's back, currently campaigning to get my ex of four years back.

The most effective strategy if you were the one who got dumped is to walk away and never look back. Do not chase her, do not contact her, do not respond to her casual texts, tell her that you want to work things out and that it would be great to see her sometime, and to take care. Be positive, but be assertive. Don't get friendzoned.

Unless she texts you something that involves meeting up/working things out, do not respond. Do not even text her on holidays or her birthday. Disappear completely, and wait for her to come back. If she doesn't, you have to be mentally ready for that.

In the meantime you should be exercising, dating other women, hanging with friends, pursuing your career, and enjoying your hobbies.

Again, this strategy only works if you were the one that got dumped. If you dumped her, you gotta be the one who brings up meeting.

Since she dumped you, chasing her will only reinforce her decision, boost her ego, and allow her to have the comfort of knowing she can have you back whenever she wants while she goes out with her friends and dates other men.

Don't give that to her. Walk away. If it's meant to be, she'll contact you.

I've dumped girls before myself, and they chased me to take them back. It made me pity them, feel good about myself. One of them finally stopped chasing after a month and said "You know, I give up. Have a nice life."

I didn't think she was serious, but I didn't hear from her for a month. I was surprised, and actually started missing her and the life we had. When I reached out to her, it was too late. She ignored me.

So yeah, no contact is the way to go.
Don't worry brah (seriously, don't, they don't find it attractive take it from me).

You'll get there when you least expect it, and in the meantime not having it hasn't killed you.
Surely you can open communication eventually? 6 months of no contact has to go some way to defusing the bullshit, right?

Also, how are you campaigning by doing nothing? Did she contact you?
>currently campaigning to get my ex of four years back.

so in other words you're doing nothing at all and just moving on?

Dubs confirms.

This guy is right. You will never be able to find a gf if you are depressed and lonely. It will only make you suffer.

Focus on becoming happy with yourself. Improve yourself to the point where you actually enjoy your life as a single person. This is when the universe will put women in your orbit.

If you are lonely and depressed, you will ruin every relationship you enter through clinginess and dependence. You have to be a happy individual who doesn't need a female partner in order to attract a female.

Girls don't like depressed guys. You don't have to be an extreme extrovert, just don't be a fucking downer. Don't be feminine. Don't be needy. Don't chase. Just improve yourself and you'll be amazed how many women enter your life.

Yup, that's the most effective thing you can do if you got dumped. Nothing else is nearly as effective. She kicked you out of her life, respect her decision. Chasing her just displays to her that you aren't worthy of her, and you personally believe that you aren't good enough for her.

Think about it...if you really considered yourself worthy of her, you wouldn't be chasing her trying to convince her to take you back. Constantly fearing she'll forget you if you don't text her.

No. If you really think you deserve her you chill out and let things happen the way they're meant to happen. If she doesn't come back, it's her loss, because you're dope.
Idk man. Fate is bullshit. Things don't happen just because they're meant to happen, we're just wired to rationalise the world that way.

Nobody's talking about trying to convince her, or fearing she'll forget you. I reckon that sometimes the girl/guy in question might need a little nudge in the right direction eventually (VERY eventually).

Hey, the worst case scenario if you go intoit expecting nothing is that you make a friend. That's not so bad.
went back to her two times, so we were already used to breaking up the third time around.

most of the time it's not worth it, there are good reasons that you broke up before.
Dumped him in November 2012, got back in May 2013. All perfect, much better than it was before.
Can I ask why you broke up, and what changed in the intervening 6 months?

Interesting to hear this from the dumper's perspective, too
there is hope
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Bumping with metaphor
Hmm next month will be 8 months since my ex dumped me. But I allowed myself to let her bookshelf me unknowing that she was seeing another guy while she was communicating with me, and that's why she didn't want to meet up the two times I asked.

I mean, I was seeing a few other girls, but still kind of annoyed. I blew up on her but she forgave me (I think) and dumped the guy she was seeing. Apparently he's begging her to take him back so it's making me, doing no contact, look even better.

Plus I didn't text her on Xmas, I know that upset her. Won't next her new years, won't text her on her birthday January 5th. Also what's interesting is her older sister's boyfriend is in Colorado right now and that's making her nostalgic seeing all the pictures because we had an amazing vacation in Colorado last year.

Not to mention, doing no contact did wonders for my mental health. My hair literally started to thin from the anxiety and tension of sending her a text and staring at my phone for literally days waiting for a response, which always was open-ended.

Trust me. If you got dumped, accept it and move on. Moving on doesn't mean there's no hope, it means you are displaying to your ex that you can be happy without her and are a confident individual. This is extremely attractive, and as soon as she isn't as happy as she was when she dumped you, she will miss you like crazy.
I had to take a class on domestic violence base d on drama related to an ex.

I've heard so many horror stories of people who would otherwise strike you as fairly normal getting sucked it to massive drama trying to get back with exes.
No blame or excuses here,
But it is a massively bad idea and trust me it's backed by evidence.

When things go south they usually continue to degenerate.

I really wish someone had informed me of the basis of this conventional wisdom sooner.
I broke it off with her after 1.5 years together and around 6 months of no contact i managed to get her as a fuck buddy for 6months.. but then she got emotional and had to brake it off..
I'd say it was worth it, the sex was actually better during the fuckbuddy stage. now we are just friends but im pretty sure i can get her to be a fuckbuddy again..

The most important thing if you want to get back with an ex is whether you broke it off or she did- if it was you then great youre golden, but if it was her then the amount of effort it would take wouldn't be worth it imo.

Well, it has been periods of no contact. She or I would break it. Right now I'm almost at 60 days of no contact. Last communication went well. Saw her at a Halloween party. She was surprised I was having fun, talking to other girls, not chasing her whatsoever. Didn't say a word to her, just smiled when I passed by her.

She texted me after the party saying "sorry I gave you a dirty look. I was expecting you to approach me, or something...you were fine."

I just said "Hope you're doing well, it'd be nice to see you again sometime." Then went full no contact again.

You guys say I'm doing nothing, but from what her friends tell me and what I see on social media, not doing anything had a huge impact on her behavior. She's going out less often with her friends, dumped her rebound boyfriend, is talking about memories with me all the time, and apparently at that Halloween party she got so upset that I didn't give her attention that she went into an empty room and cried for an hour while her girlfriend comforted her. I asked her friend if she was alright, she said "yeah she just needed a breather."

Her friend then continued to be a huge slut that night, started hooking up with a guy right in front of the pong table while everybody was standing around them. My ex got upset that her friend wasn't being her rock, and went into caretaker mode, helping my blackout drunk friend who was puking buckets.

You know if a girl would rather clean up puke and mend a drunk kid, she's probably not enjoying the party. I felt kinda bad.

I also noticed she doesn't tweet or post anything on social media nearly as often. Seriously like a 95% decline in posts. When we were communicating after the breakup and she knew she could have me back whenever she wanted, she was posting at least 3-5 tweets a day and at least one post every other day on instagram.

If you got dumped, go no contact.
so its been about 6 months since I got dumped. unofrtunately i havent gone no contact yet, so we still chat back and forth briefly a couple of times a week for the past few momths.
We've slept together on 2 occasions since the break up, once in august and most recently on nov 30th. both times it's been discussed that it was "just sex"

Your take on going no contact at this point? its already been 6 months of this.

I would text her one last time "You know it's been great spending time with you and I really enjoy talking to you, but I don't think this is what I want. I want to work things out, I'm not interested in being just friends. I'd love to see you sometime, take care."

and then go full no contact. Don't fall for any traps like her talking to you as a friend for emotional support. Unless she wants to meet up and try and work things out, you're not interested.

Also make sure you say "see you sometime". Not "get back together." When you start to work things out, it has to be a fresh start. Like you are taking her out for the first time. Saying "see you sometime" doesn't imply any labels, which can cause pressure that pushes her away. Remember to take things slow and have fun.

Once things click into place, it will feel natural to start dating her again. Treat it like a brand new relationship. Since you are still on intimate terms, this should be easy to acquire if you play your cards right.
Ah, I see. I think that not initiating contact is a great idea if you're in the same social groups or bump into each other occasionally. If not, though, getting to talking again (after months of not) could be good, no?
i've been reluctant to do that because i think it comes across as super petty and low value. I'm scared she might just respond with "yea? well fuck you then" and move on...

I wouldn't recommend it. Say you go no contact for 30 days. Your ex is just starting to think "wow, he's not chasing me anymore. Maybe he has a new girlfriend? Maybe he moved on? I might text him soon, I kind of miss him."

>20 minutes later

"Oh...anon just texted me. I guess he's not over me. Eh, kinda pathetic. I'm not gonna respond."

Some girls won't text a guy they dumped for 6 months to a year of no contact. You just never know. But what's best for you and your mental health is to accept that your girlfriend kicked you out of your life, and move on.

I think trying to stop someone from leaving who doesn't want to stay is extremely unhealthy and a bad idea. The best possible chance you have to get an ex back who dumped you is to never contact her ever again. She might text you in a week, maybe a month, maybe three months, maybe six months. You never know, and that's where the opportunity for growth lies.

In my experience, contacting someone who dumped you after a certain period of no contact CAN work, but 99% of the time it won't work out. She dumped YOU. It has to be HER idea to work things out.

No you're displaying low value by letting her use you for emotional support and sex when you want more.

Stand up for your fucking self, be a man. You don't want a fuck buddy, you want your girlfriend back. Stop letting her walk all over you. If she does react that way, good. You just displayed how much you value yourself and what you want.
My bf and I had a rocky start to our relationship. We broke up 2 months in, then got back together. 2 years later, we're still going strong; that being said, it's not easy, and doesn't work very often.
I hope the other guy saw the light and got the fuck away from her too. Sounds like a bitch.
>You will never be able to find a gf if you are depressed and lonely.
That's not true. My bf was depressed as fuck but I am going out with him (and have been for 3 years now). I was too, so it was a bit of a healing process.
I got back together with an ex about a week ago. She just broke up with me last night. She said we went too fast again and that she couldn't handle saying "I love you" and felt guilty from it. I think it just comes down to an eventual realization on their part that I'm a piece of shit and there's nothing great about me.
it only went wrong because their friends told them to not change. thats the usual in all couples.
What if they never make contact? like, as dudes we're expected to be the dynamic ones
Thinking that isn't gonna help. It seems like you might need to get right with yourself before you try getting grills

Guys are supposed to be the ones pursuing their careers and goals. Trust me mang, if she has any feelings left for you, she'll reach out. Girls are weird. One day they'll hate you, then the next day it will snow and they'll get depressed and contact you like nothing happened.

If in a few months she never reaches out to you, I guess you could send her some sort of message to test the waters. If she dumped you, I don't recommend you ever contact them unless you are 100% positive after months and months of not hearing from her it's really over.

In that case you are convinced no contact will no longer benefit your goal of getting your ex back, what do you have to lose? Send her a positive casual text like "Hey I just ran into Bill from Chemistry....He is a magician now" with a picture to prove it's not just you manipulating her.

I don't know, man. I'm stoned and it's really your choice. In my experience as a dumpee and dumper, feelings for an ex need time and space to develop. When those feelings develop usually the dumpee will reach out or put herself in your orbit. I try to trust the timing of events in my life. The signals my ex is giving off are identical to what happened with past ex's I've tried this on. I think when I don't contact her on New Year's or her birthday on Jan 5th she'll definitely be thinking about me and getting some weird feels.

If you were dating someone for four years and your first post-breakup birthday was coming up, the thought of your ex contacting you that day would probably be likely.
Not trying to sound like I'm wallowing in self pity here but that's just sort of what I have accepted myself as in the meantime. There's nothing interesting about me, and currently I'm going nowhere in life. I'm working to improve obviously but in the meantime holding a relationship together without coming off as too close or too distant is just very difficult, especially being there for someone when you need them to be there for me.
She broke up with me. Unlucky we weren't that long together so im afraid she will forget about me in no time.

She comes to pick stuff up from my place in two weeks, the day before her birthday.

I planned to be cold but seem happy and just give her the stuff and close the door.

But i dunno what she will say.

I was also planning on putting between the stuff a little and cheap present that i had planned for ages but will give her memories of me for a long time.
If she asks i could say i already had gotten it before the break up and I'm giving it to her since it was meant for her.

Should i?

Chasing her will make her get over you easier. Think of it like this. Say you could only use your computer for an hour a day. Then a week later only 45 minutes a day. Two weeks 30 minutes. and for about a month until you can't use it at all. You probably wouldn't miss it as much as if it just went away completely, right? You'd probably be like eh this is fine I can get a new computer later.

When she drops off the stuff, make it quick. Look nice, but not tryhard. T shirt and jeans is fine. Trim your facial hair or whatever you do to look presentable. Tiny spray of a cologne she recognizes on your neck.

If she wants to talk, just be casual. Don't be emotional or thirsty, try not to talk much. Basically just respond to her questions in a businesslike way. Try to keep the conversation and meetup to 2-5 minutes max.

Do not give her a present. After she leaves if you haven't already, just send her a quick text "Take care, let me know if you want to meet up sometime." and never text her again. This is your best chance of getting her back.
This thread gives me hope, girl I'm interested in got back together with her ex ~2 months ago
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I've tried this twice. Neither of those guys are the guy I ended up marrying. It doesn't fix things, it just drags them out. All the flaws and things that didn't work become more apparent.
Just move on, you can't go back to the good part of the relationship.
That's actually a really healthy attitude (the self-improvement and the awareness that you might not be able to put your best foot forward in a relationship right now), and I think that that's gonna take you to a good place.

Keep it up, mate
In my case, I know that she's avoided all her exes in the past, so I feel like I'll probably have to make the first bid for contact.

On a side note, has anyone else looked at those ebook guides for getting exes back? Most are manipulative pua shit but some make a lot of sense

Corey Wayne is the best imo. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_cnbV_OSi4
He was very stressed over school and having all his friends graduating/leaving for year abroad. I tried to calm him down, I tried to help him but he started to be very aggressive with me - he said I didn't deserve the prestigious school I got him, he said he won't visit me in hospital because my surgery was basic and I was just crying like a baby about it, went on a trip instead of coming to visit me when I got home from hospital.

I got resentment over it and dumped him. We were together for 5 years.

When I broke up with him he realised he was a cunt. He went to therapy. After some months apart he asked me out for a coffee and told me he was sorry. We started dating again.
He has a much better stress management and improved his communication skills a lot.
We have been together for 3.5 years and basically never argued. Moved in together in September 2014.
Fresh off of this kind of situation. She knew full well how badly it broke me when she left me (claiming it was because of the distance caused by me moving away for uni), and I even sent her a humongous essay that was intended to be closure. I told her how much I loved her and basically said "good luck".

I spent the next month or so almost totally broken as a person, but I managed to start to turn a corner and lighten up again. I went for a no-contact policy - I simply could not bare the thought of being "just as close as always, just without the sex", whatever the hell that means. She texted me once telling she'd found my old bank card in her room while clearing up, but I ignored it.

I'm at a friend's house during my month off from uni when I get a call from her saying she'd been admitted to a psychiatric institute. I attempted to remain as cool and calm as possible, but decided to put her a surprise visit when she told me she'd been thinking about me during her breakdown, seemed to imply it was at least partially caused by me ignoring her, and that the guy she'd left me for turned up to his visiting slot three hours late and high. I turned up in a suit, and with flowers, and basically tried to remain a comforting presence but not get involved. She texts me after I leave saying how she'd "forgotten how much she loved me" - I then hear through the grapevine that on the same day, she got back together with the guy who she left me for. I gave up and decided to walk away forever.

She calls me a few days later telling me how she'd "emotionally destroyed" the guy she left me for, and how he'd been begging her not to leave him. I again remained cool and guarded, but it broke me when I asked her how her Christmas was going and she told me she'd been crying all day. Drunk as fuck, I cried to her on FaceTime and told her how much I loved her. I was absolutely wasted at the time, but I apparently cried a lot and told her how willing I'd be to try again, which she refused.
>chasing her will make her get over you easier

fuckkkk that hurts to think about.
This is where I am. I've had a pretty severe undiagnosed anxiety disorder that has made me paranoid and jealous, not to mention condescending. I'm now in therapy for that and working on my negativity.

This story really helps, mate, thanks for posting.
lots of contact in the interim or did he just ask out of the blue?
Ok guys I'm in a strange situation. She's not a real ex, we just had a fling, had sex once, and then remained friends after a bit of tumoril and emotional instability.

We have common friends and see/talk to each others at least once per week. I feel in my guts she's still attracted to me by the way she acts when I'm around and also the fact that she casually messages me from time to time and even came by my work place a couple of time. My judgement is biased because I'm attracted to her so take all of this with a grain of salt.
Anyway after I had an issy fit, I dropped out of her group(they sing at a church, I played the guitar) without giving a proper reason. The real reason is that it makes me umconfortable staying with her and not knowing if she's into me or not, even after all those signals. She asked for the reason and we arranged to meet in person and talk. I told her to let me know when she's not busy.

The problem is: I'm still attracted to her, but I don't think I want a relationship. Mine is probably just physical attraction plus having lost my virginity to her. I want to convince her that the best way would be FWB or nothing at all, and if she would like a real relationship, we should take it slow and focus on our own problems first and foremost, to not become dependant. Does this look like a good plan?
He got a lot better, honestly.
I loved him a lot since the very beginning and I still loved him when I broke up with him, so I was very happy to get back together. We broke up on good terms, he improved himself a lot and I am very glad we gave each other a second chance.
All our friends say we are a great couple and we're very lucky to be still together. My family is ecstatic, they love him more than me (and my grandma probably has a crush on him).
We're getting married in 2018.

We talked every now and then. Once a week, or a bit less. We talked on the phone, mostly - he asked me about school and about my parents, I asked him about the same stuff. I just really cared about him.
He was still very close to my family and they sometimes talked, he visited for Christmas and Easter.
Thank you so much for your response.

I'm just so afraid that she will forget me in no time since i did most work in the relationship. My mistake, because the more i let her invest the more in love she would have been (not the opposite like most people believe)

My only doubt is if i should say the last thing you told me. In the pre break up i told her i only want a relationship with her. No friendship. She didn't break up in the end, probably suddenly got afraid. But she waited till a few days after i got to my hometown to break up through text. When she wished me merry Christmas i reminded her we already talked about no contact.

If i say what you say, won't it look like i want to be friends only and im contradicting myself?
Perhaps happy birthday and let her go?

I'm also afraid she might want to "talk about it " but it will be just to make me listen to her version to make herself feel better. If so I'll tell her actions speak louder than words and i already know that the situation is like. No need to talk about that.

I would only let her sit down to talk if she overtly says she wants me back.

Even if she is just going to pick up stuff should i bring her to my room, give it to her and show her the door immediately so she gets more memories coming up?
this is honestly kind of a shame for me. We were together for a bit over 2 years and, with a few monosyllabic exceptions early on, haven't talked since breaking up 3.5 months ago.

Every time i try to reopen communication now, i get nowhere
Why did you break up? How was the break up?

If she doesn't want to talk to you, you should let go. I always wanted to talk to him and always enjoyed our conversation.
We broke up because there was one issue he wasn't willing to resolve and it was a deal-breaker for me. As soon as he solved it, I wanted him back. I still loved him and cared about him, and missed him every second.
I miss her, i don't want a relationship with her, i just want her to be my friend, i fucked up in the past, she has no trust in me, and now she doesn't even open my messages, almost three years have passed and i can't get over her, i've even considered following her to the city she lives on, fuck.
Yo guys, I also suffer from break up after 3 years in relation. We had 4 month no contact period after serious talk untill she wished me everything best during my name-day. I just asked her if she wants to go out for the coffee. She was hesitating, because she thought there is too much emotions still between us. I told her it is all fine she could just say "no" and I aslo asked her if she can block me on FB, cause if she wants me too become neutral about her I just have to completly removef her from my everyday life. Then she was like "no no let's meet up then". I met her, she repeated the same stuff as during the main break up, but she also said I was amazing all all that. She said there is too much difference in our characters, and this is a second time something like that happened. I never and problems about her character, I sometime asked her for more feelings, however she sometimes could point out bad stuff that she did not like about me one after another. Sometime I understand why and I know where should I improve.
Now she did what I asked, she blocked me on FB, she posted new photo on FB, got like 100 likes and some guys commenting the photo... I know it might be stupid, but this made me wonder, if it was that easy for her. My self-esteem was always low and I only thinking now in categories like "she will find better one, who will do what I could not". Since it is a second time we break up and a third time I am going no contact everythinh is bit easier. However for me she was beautiful, nice, good for children, liked the same music... Is there any chance that no contact might help, am I going to her from her again? Of course I am going on self-improvement path now and want to do some cool stuff, but... Should I expect her to break no contact and get back to me?
We met on Tinder, did long distance for a while because we were both in high school and she lived two states away. It was exhausting so we ended it.

When we both graduated high school we started it again because we were closer due to college and it's been going great since then. It can work in very specific conditions, like if the breakup was simply practical.

Girls always boost social media presence after a breakup. Lots of guys will start friending her, liking her posts, commenting, etc.

No contact helps in this situation because it makes you stand out. By not giving her attention or contact, you are showing you are fine without her. More fine without her than these men who are orbiting her are, that's attractive.

the more stuff of hers you like, or the more often you contact her, the more she'll post. Big ego boosts.
easier said than done
But... The thing is, I am still hopping, and thinking that she might contact me in idk, like 2 years time. 3 years relationship cannot suddenly end because of character differences.. Can it?
>3 years relationship cannot suddenly end because of character differences.. Can it?
I hope you know that women aren't capable of love.
Well, I am starting to understand it now. So what do they do?
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