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Division of labor in relationship.

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I'm a stay-at-home mom in a relatively new relationship looking for advice on something that's been bothering me since having a baby.
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>>17791824
He is not the father
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>>17791824
I vacuum, sweep/mop, do the laundry, dishes, clean up garbage around the house, wipe down the appliances/bathroom, and take care of the baby(diapers, baths, separate laundry, breastfeeding, etc.). On top of this I have a job online where I make decent income, enough to support myself and the baby if I decided to do so. When I am working, I pay exactly half of rent plus $200 that pays for the entire internet+power bills as well as contributing to food and paying at least some of the car expenses(I benefit from it even though it's not my vehicle). Also I buy my own food, we pay for our own phone bills, and on top of this I buy anything the baby needs most of the time. I admit that I do my chores only about once per week as it's just us living together(we don't make much mess) and I mostly eat out(don't make many dishes besides glasses of water, and coffee to stay awake) because I don't have much time away from baby to cook as much as I used to(if he asks me to make something, I will cook anything for him).
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I assigned him two chores officially when we moved in together while promising to take over all the rest. One was to take the garbage bags and put them into the collection bin outside, and the other was to take care of the pet he purchased right before I gave birth when I didn't want it. Recently I thought it'd be a good idea to start recycling empty bottles for extra cash, and was hoping he'd also take them to the depot just across the street. He works ~9hrs per day outside of the home. At the moment, baby goes to bed one hour after he gets home. If the baby is in a bad mood(usually is, wants to eat and go to sleep) he'll run out of patience within 5 minutes and give it back to me.

>>17791836
He is the father, the kid looks remarkably like him.
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For the past week he's been trying his hand at cooking, seemingly as a hobby(his cooking is phenominal, healthy, and I encourage it because of that) and also has been doing the dishes a little bit(most of the dishes are from his new hobby). While he's doing this, the garbage/recycling haven't been touched. The pet has been making a mess. I asked him to clean up the pet's mess as it was getting over into my work space, and he lost it on me about not "cooking and cleaning enough", adding that I haven't been working(we agreed when I found out I was pregnant that I could have ~3-4 months "maternity leave" to make a schedule with baby, it hasn't been that long yet, and for almost a week now I have been back to work and already saving up money again).

I'm frustrated but I also feel like I'm in the wrong. I don't believe I'm thinking clearly, and am having my own personal issues because of diagnosed post-partum depression(I am getting medication for it). I'm hoping for a non-biased assessment. Did I take on too much? Do I not do enough? Is it unfair for him to abandon his chores, do some of mine, then get mad that I'm not doing his? Should I be doing more to help everything? I'll do anything to keep things working smoothly.
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>>17791824
This is probably the single most universal point of contention in all couples, married, single or just roommates. Either you two have to have a sitdown and draw up a formal agreement of which jobs are whose, or you have to learn to cut each other a little slack over trivia.

In the grand scheme of things, does it REALLY matter all that much if the garbage goes out a day late? Yes, it's annoying, but not the end of the world. And I'm not picking on you - I'd say the same about some of his complaints about you. You both have to relax a little.

It sound like he is making an effort, as with the cooking, and be sure to let him know you appreciate that. (It might also give him the hint to express some appreciation of you in return). On the other hand, it does sound reasonable for him to be in charge of his pet.
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>willingly becoming a glorified neet instead of having a life of your own
you've made it so your best years are now behind you, why would you do that?
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>>17792149
Women care about having children and raising them. They're willing to sacrifice their best years and life goals for their children.

Neets just jerk off and watch anime
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>>17792166
>implying it isn't the same just with daytime television instead of anime
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>>17791842
Do you want to be with a lazy fuck? If not, leave. If so, stay. Simple. You will not change him. Doing everything yourself will make you a much happier Hooman.
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>>17791848
>I assigned him two chores
I am honestly shocked he hasn't left you. Who the fuck do you think you are.

As a fellow SAHM, get the fuck off 4chan and go give the poor guy a bj
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If the relationship is new, give it some time. Like most couples, there will be arguments and different expectations, if you truly commit you can work it out, but in a partnership both of you need to work together. Can't say more than that, in the worst case go to counseling.
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Men are naturally pigs when it comes to their own home environment, especially those that had a mom who's used to doing everything for them and never had to do any chores. Sure you may ask them to assign a few chores but their lazy habits will surface again in a few years. Like an adult dog it's near impossible to train them
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>>17792395
Only if you want to be desexed. Act like his mother and don't be shocked when he starts fucking someone else.
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>>17791842
>On top of this I have a job online where I make decent income
what sort of job?
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>>17792416
an online job
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>>17792416
Doesn't matter. If you actually are making $$ hire a fucking maid. Why is this even a question. Why fight over shit that writing a check can solve?
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He works 9 hours a day, all day, you don't. Can you really expect him to come home and do chores?

You're there to maintain the house and the kid, so do so.
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>>17792446
Or maybe just don't be a bitch. If he's okay with the trash not getting taken out you're a lucky fucker.
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>>17792446
I agree with you, though he should look after his own pet. She didn't want it, it shouldn't be her responsibility when he gets bored of it.
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>>17791824
>I'm a stay-at-home mom
I hate women like you. Not because you value doing chores around the house but because when a divorce happens, you feel entitled to half of the things your husband worked for while you sat back and enjoyed the fruits of his labor.
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>>17792500
Unless there's some back story we're missing.. Did she put him through med school? (I did) But yeah, spreading legs and procreating entitles you to shit. Work or stfu.
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>>17791824
>>17791842
>>17791848
>>17791854

Sounds like you're both adjusting to new routine/life and getting frustrated at certain aspects and each other where you infringe on each others expectations. It's the most common point of contention in relationships.

You sound on point, you know your expectations clearly and you talked to him about it and he's not keeping up. Don't feel wrong for having a minimum requirement of cleanliness and duty, you're dealing with a baby, a job and a whiny bitch of a man all at once, of course you're gonna be on edge sometimes.

Unfortunately all you can do is tell him how you feel and ask him to commit/agree to certain expectations. Whether it works is up to him and that's the price of a relationship with someone you don't know well.
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>>17792538
>whiny bitch of a man

...Mama? Is that you?
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>manchildren ITT

i live alone and do all my chores, while having a full time job

ohnoes baby daddy has to take out the garbage, what oppression waa waa

you made a baby for a lazy little shit
enjoy being the mommy of 2 instead of 1

must worth the looks
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>>17792555
Kek. Priceless.
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>>17791824
I had similar issues with my boyfriend.

You have different expectations on the amount of work each of you has to do. You haven't explicitly told each other what you expect the other person to do, but you are getting frustrated because the other person doesn't do what you expect to be done.
Sit down and make those expectations explicit. Compromise, have a plan and stick to it. If something extraordinary happens, talk to each other and figure it out.

Sit down and write a list of all the chores that need to be done: laundry, ironing, vacuuming, moping, cleaning the kitchen and the bathroom, doing the bed, etc. Write them ALL down. I can send you one of the lists I used, if you wish.
Decide a day when you have to do such things and who does what.
Stick to the plan. Make it an habit. On Thursday I know I do the laundry. On Monday I know I wash the sheets. I do it automatically.
Sometimes I do his chores and he does mine, but unless we both agreed to the "exchange", we do not expect the other part to do our chores. For example, "ah, I threw the trash! you have to clean the bathroom now" cannot happen, while "can you throw the trash while I clean the bathroom?" "yes" can happen.

Cooking? You do it twice a day, he does it once a day. The one who doesn't cook does the dishes.

About money - decide a percentage of your income that goes into paying for shared expenses and baby expenses.
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>>17792583
Notice she said boyfriend.

This is a TERRIBLE idea. You will not be together when your squirt goes to K if you do this.
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>>17792591
How is it a terrible idea?

We honestly haven't had an argument about chores, cooking or money since 4 years ago. It worked well for us.
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>>17792166
He lied to me in the beginning of the relationship about what he did before moving to my city. Said he held a job, but turns out he was a NEET living on property his parents owned. I wouldn't have cared if he told me outright, but that he lied about it and tried to pretend he was something else still bothers me(I try and convince myself it doesn't).

>>17792187
I have to stay because of the baby. I made a commitment not to be a shitty single mom ruining the next generation because I can't suck it up. I'd love to be with another woman but I fucked up and got preggo right away with this guy after only knowing him for 1 1/2 years.

>>17792188
He doesn't like bjs as much as sex, I'm fine with that.

>>17792395
This is literally what he is. As a child 100% of his shit was taken care of. I was the opposite, I've been taking care of myself(albeit not to perfection) since I was ~12 and if I didn't clean my room, I'd get beat. Expected to make all my own meals and do my own laundry too, and help with younger siblings. For childhood, we're like night and day. We both have bitter, bitchy attitudes though which we like about each other. We get into "fights" and once we're both over our egos it's like it never happened. I love him, but holy fuck is it ever getting annoying feeling like a replacement for his mommy while trying to be a mother to my own child.

>>17792416
Don't want to reveal too much personal info, but something that requires skill and robots can't take in the future.

>>17792446
>>17792499
No, I don't expect him to do chores. He agreed to two things, I expect him to stick with his agreements and it frustrates me when he tries to pick up my work while slacking on his. Also, fuck the pet. It's loud, messy, and destroys everything it goes near. I try not to complain because he likes it, but I don't know why he doesn't get a reptile or something if he wants to have something and ignore it without that affecting other people in the house.
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>>17792500
No actually, I have no want or desire for any of his stuff. I have nice things that I brought into the relationship and don't want his things. Besides, we have a kid together. I can't just leave, at least not permanently. I take vacations with my own family and come back with a clear head every now and then(and a house to clean, because when I leave a clean house I come back to a dirty one every single time).

>>17792528
I do work. It's at home, but even if we weren't a thing I'd be doing that and supporting myself just fine. I could pay for this apartment by myself if I wanted but if it were up to me and it wasn't a bad parenting decision to be a single mom, I'd move to a basement suite with a yard and get a big dog.

>>17792538
We've been together for a full year now, known each other twice as long. I feel guilt placing anything on him at all but when I think how easy his chores are(he'd have only one if it weren't for his pet) I can't help but wonder why he won't just do it.

>>17792555
He would clean once every couple of months long before I knew him. I've heard stories of mountains of trash, like when people post those horrific images to battestation threads... Like that. Soda/pizza everywhere, animals living in it... That the place is so clean now, I feel it's only because I refuse to let it get too gross. Part of why I took on the chores is knowing they won't ever be done unless I do it. He used to buy new clothes instead of washing old ones, for example.

>>17792583
That's what we did, albeit a little less formal and verbal agreement only. I don't have a set day where I do chores, they're on a need basis instead. It works for me, but I don't see why he feels entitled to bitch at all about cleanliness when all he has to do is wait and I'll get to it when I have the time and see it's necessary. Being impatient when you have no responsibilities seems childish to me.
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Anyways, thanks for the (You)s guys. I have a few things to think about but I think I'll be more strict about a routine for myself, and once things are always spotless if I don't see him picking up his two chores as a response to me doing better with mine, I will have to sit down and have a serious talk about responsibilities and fairness.

People have mentioned twice now about whoever cooks is exempt from dishes. I'd be so happy if loading the dishwasher could be another chore for him(while I unload it when it's clean). I'd be happier cooking more than I do if I didn't have to also clean up after spending 2hrs on a meal(for myself, or both of us).
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>>17793109
>That's what we did, albeit a little less formal and verbal agreement only. I don't have a set day where I do chores, they're on a need basis instead.
Have it formal and set a day for the chores.
I know it's silly and sometimes I feel like I'm cleaning a clean house, but it limits the arguments so much.

>It works for me
You're not alone tho. It works for you but doesn't work for him.

> Being impatient when you have no responsibilities seems childish to me.
It's not like he doesn't have responsibilities. You have different responsibilities.
This is why it is important to have this agreement explicit - because if you *know* what your responsibilities are and what your partner's responsibilities are it seems less unfair.

I am the one who does most at home, too, and I know how sometimes it feels like he doesn't do shit and expects everything to be done. In the same way he might feel like you stay at home all day not doing anything and you still cannot do that one single thing he wished you did.
You expect things from each other and you're not communicating well.
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He's a lazy entitled manchild who isn't pulling his weight. The devision of labor in this is not at all fair to begin with, and he can't even do what little he has. Honestly it probably won't improve and the best thing is to get out. Until then, stop letting him weasel out if things. DON'T take the baby back. Get rid of the pet. Throw the garabe on his head. You're already a bitch because you're not a slave, so be a bitch.
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>>17793150
The division of the chores and labour doesn't need to be equal to be fair, especially if she stays at home more than he does.
Her main occupation is taking care of the house and the baby and it is fair that she doesn't most of the work. It's unfair to expect him to come home after 9 hours of work, clean and coo.
It's silly to suggest someone to treat her partner like a baby, too. You should communicate to your partner if you have an issue, not treat them poorly.
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>>17793156

She works as well, enough that she pays equally on housing and food and more than fair on the baby. It doesn't matter that he works 9 hours, everyone works 9 hours and when they get home they pull their weight.
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>>17793079
No he didn't "lie" to you. You allowed a fantasy to get you pregnant. This is your life. Suck. It. Up.
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>>17793109
Get a maid. Why the hell should two professionals waste their time on Spic work?
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>>17793167
Working online/from home gives you a lot of flexibility and time to do all the chores. Time that he doesn't have if he works 9 hours outside of home.
It is not an unfair agreement.
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>>17793192
And no one is making you work 9 solid hours. It's not the same. You are not subject to outside pressures and expectations. Hire a maid. Hire a nanny. Stop fighting. Money isn't fucking worth wasting years being miserable. You will also spend far more single.
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>>17793215
>No one is making you work 9 solid hours
Except you know...if you want to make money to be able to provide for a family
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>>17793601
Her. No one is making HER work 9 hours. She can work however many hours she wants whenever she wants. And he pays the bills.
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>>17793612
Yes, I'm going back to work already to pay rent again on New Year.
In the mean time I'm taking advice from anons to make a proper schedule and work/clean more often.
See:
>>17793123

Also, I don't have to work as many hours to make money. ~30$+/hour.
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>>17792446
My mom would sometimes work 9 hours or more a day and still have the energy to make dinner for us, wash dishes, and do chores afterwards. Sparing 5 mins of your time just to go outside and take out the garbage isn't going to fucking kill you.

>>17793079
>NEET
>childhood
>pet
Sounds like he's not used to keeping responsibilities and commitments, especially with the pet issue. Congrats OP you've married a manchild of a husband.
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