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What does autism even feel like?

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Hi /adv/. I've never been diagnosed with autism but here i am on this board for the 3rd day in a row, so i think i need to find an answer.

For anyone with diagnosed autism, what goes through your head on a day to day basis? I was addicted to video games since early childhood all the way up to about 21. I never really connected with people, never voiced my opinions or stood up for myself. The one time i accepted a fight i literally just stood there and took the punches because i just froze up. I always freeze when something negative happens like getting embarassed/bullied. Ive always struggled with loneliness and anxiety.

This is no way to live man. I pushed away all of my friends because i was tired of being the loser of the group. Everyday i feel like nothing but a pair of eyeballs floating around. I feel like i dont know myself anymore. When i look in the mirror i dont see the same person i used to see. I see a nameless figure. Am i going crazy or just being autistic?
imagine you don't know how to change a tire. you ask someone how to change a tire and they're like "sure, you get a tire iron and change the tire. pretty simple right?" when really you were hoping for some more detailed instructions so you know what you're doing and don't fuck it all up. to someone who is already knowledgeable or has strong mechanical aptitude, it's a no brainer, but you need more details on what to do and they can't understand why you need it explained because it's just natural to them.

now imagine that every time you try to figure out/get advice on how to deal with people, it goes like that. that's what being autistic feels like. it feels like other stuff too, but that's the main one I can think of right now.
Fucc i feel this way about mostly everything i try to learn. I need lots of details before getting something right. I had to watch youtube vids to learn how to talk to girls, although it actually fixed the problem.

How fucked am i?
also this
>Everyday i feel like nothing but a pair of eyeballs floating around. I feel like i dont know myself anymore. When i look in the mirror i dont see the same person i used to see. I see a nameless figure.
doesn't sound like autism at all. it sounds a lot more like some kind of depersonalization. if you had a traumatic childhood then you may have PTSD, which would explain it. if not, then severe depression and anxiety can cause it as well. however, being autistic can cause a person to feel anxious and depressed.

there's really no way to know. you need to get to a shrink and get a diagnosis or at least a general idea of the scope of your symptoms (I say that because some shrinks don't like to give a diagnosis right off the bat, or ever, in fact; some would rather treat you as a whole person with symptoms than try to pigeonhole you into a diagnosis). you don't have to take any meds if you don't want to. but you should really get a professional opinion so that if nothing else, you can do your own research and start working on changing the things you want to change about yourself.

if you are in the US and they give you diagnostic tests, they will probably give you the MMPI. the test is designed to find anything and everything that can possibly be wrong with you. so when you get the results back it will be a big laundry list of all your flaws, because it's a diagnostic tool, so it's only going to look for what might be wrong with you, not all the parts of you that are perfectly fine. remember that when they read you the results. I've had a couple MMPIs done and it was jarring even when I knew it was coming. make sure you have someone professional to talk to about the results.
It also applies to insecurity, severe inexperience, or in the example you gave social anxiety.
Yeah i was thinking of depersonalization too. I literally don't know how to respond to people anymore really. I just draw a blank everytime and just blurt out a response to not seem weird.

The mmpi thing sounds like a good idea. Ive only been to one therapist and she was only a case worker. She didnt do a damn thing for me and the doctor only gave me antidepressants and antipsychotics. It was really distressing how little they seemed to care.
Doctors are there the same as psychiatrists, just for the medical side. If you want to talk it out and work through your problems with more than that, see a psychologist and maybe even join a support group (a psychologist will have resources available for where to find one).
Im hoping to see a shrink soon. I need health insurance again. This really blows.
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As an aspie, this is my experience

>don't know what to do with my body parts, always shuffling my feet or twiddling my thumbs
>constantly overthinking interactions, ie. "am I standing too close to this person? Do I look them in the eyes now? Was that too long, what if they think I'm being flirtatious?"
>don't really understand social flow, never know when its my turn to talk or how much I should say
>uncomfortable with physical touching, prolonged eye contact, and being the center of attention
>never really understand people's meanings, sometimes people say things that seem to make no sense to me and I often wonder if I'm missing something subtle
>have trouble communicating my ideas to people, others often think I mean something other than what I say, even when I feel as if I've said something as bluntly as possible
>don't really connect with 'normies', regular people seem to feel my aura of weirdness and become stand offish or outright rude, even when I think I'm being polite or trying to make friends

Also a heaping helping of depression, anxiety, and self-loathing.
A lot of what you just said describes me as well, but i wasn't always like this. I blame spending too much of my life playing video games desu. Also crippling insomnia and low self esteem
>things that come naturally to most people requires additional directions for you
I'm not actually autistic, but fuck; I feel I need this for too many aspects of life.

OP you need to be more precise.

Autism (especially the high-functioning one) is a spectrum with a lot of differences involved.

I am an Asperger (not the aspie-check your privilege-tumblr subhuman) and all the symptoms you are talking about are more likely to be recunducted to depression, not autism.

However I suggest you to go seeking some psychological help. Many form of autism passes as depression or OCDs.

By the way having Asperger is a living hell while being in a social context and it's quite enjoyable when alone.
Idk anymore man, id say i have both depression and some sort of autism. i end up failing in a social situation/friendship
Go to a psychologist and try to figure out your situation. Be sincere and not afraid to expose yourself. They are professionals and willing to help you.
Yeah in the future that's going to be my next step. After health insurance and the long wait list all shrinks seem to have.
Are you from Burgerstein?
If I may suggest, being totally unaware of your economical situation, do not waste time and if possible spend good money to go private.
Your mental health is important as your physical one, think of it as a long-term investment for yourself.

Stay safe anon.
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