I found my bestfriend's lifeless body after he killed himself.

Alright this is my perspective as a severely depressed, suicidal person.

I don't want to share how I feel with anybody because there's nothing they can do about it and it's my shit to deal with. The last person I want to talk to is my best friend because they deserve to be happy and chill and not carry around my bullshit. It's really, really easy to hide being depressed because depression isn't just 'I'm miserable 100% of the time'. Sometimes I go out with my mates, I'm the life of the group, I have a great time, then I go home and I'm miserable again.

I honestly believe in most cases where someone else kills themselves, there is absolutely 0 that their friends or family could have done unless they were the cause of the suicide.

It is so pointless to blame yourself. Even if you SHOULD have worked out he was depressed (which I don't believe is the case), there is absolutely 0 you can do about it now so what are you achieving by punishing yourself over and over again? Is your miserable state what you friend would have wanted?

Your family had the right idea sending you away because it's easier to find space away from things that remind you of your friend. It's ok to feel miserable for a while but sadly your friend isn't going to come back and you're going to have to find a way to go on without them.

All you can do is try to focus on the good times and live a life where your friend's memory inspires you to be a better person and live life to the full. I don't really know what else to add.

another formerly clinically depressed, suicidal person reporting in.

even if you knew, depression to that point is beyond your reach. there would not have been anything you could have done. it might be harsh but it was his responsiblity to reach out and get help.
i´m also with the anon above. if i don´t tell you, you won´t be able to tell how bad it looked inside me.
and even if there where signs, even if you could have reached out for him. he was too far gone already and would have needed professional help. which he, for whatever reasons, didn´t search out. it was his decision and his alone. don´t beat yourself up over this. it´s the least he would have wanted. and even less he would have wanted you to get depressed over his death.

>>17564057
>I found my bestfriend's lifeless body after he killed himself.
I am dreadfully sorry to hear it.

>I refused to get help.
Why? There are people who specialize in this sort of situation.

>I feel like a pathetic fucking loser for not noticing he was this depressed.
The ones who get this far in their plans are, almost invariably, the ones best at hiding it. They have to be: anyone who isn't that good at hiding it gets stopped. Yes, you were his good friend, but he was a master at this. There is no shame in not being able to spot his problem anyway

>>17564057
>I've basically been drinking the pain away.
Please don't do this.
The pain won't go away, and you're only hurting yourself.
You did nothing wrong, there's no reason to punish yourself either.

>>17564122
Thanks for the reply man. I appreciate it. I always thought friends were there to help each other but it makes sense that you and him felt that way I suppose.
>>17564135
Well I get it in a way. Though if you assume people don't get depressed over losing their bestfriend you're dense. I know he didn't want me to get depressed. But I bloody well am...
>>17564201
I aim to get help when I'm back in my home country. It would be moot here because I don't speak the language. I was stupid for rejecting it earlier.
>>17564264
Well at this point weed and alcohol are the only things that can make me sleep/pass out. I've been having the same nightmare of finding him over and over again.

>>17564273
Im very sorry to hear about your friend op but you're going to end up like him if you keep using alcohol to numb yourself.

That is a very dark road you're starting on.

>>17564273
The alcohol will hollow you out and you'll come out of this more miserable than you would have anyway. Also watch that you still eat healthy. Something that can help you with making you tired and getting sleep is sport.

The dreaming will become less and less.

I'm sorry to say this, but it's all your friends fault. You didn't do anything wrong, even though you probably feel like you failed. I'm so sorry brother