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How do you build self esteem and core confidence, /adv/? Not

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How do you build self esteem and core confidence, /adv/?
Not egotistical confidence made through being 'better' than others, but a genuine and constant feeling of security and self belief in yourself regardless of the situation that is warm towards other people.

My whole life i've been called shy and as time goes on (i'm now 20) social interactions are becoming more unnatural and i'm 'in my head' as i've read. This even happens with my closest friends now that i've know for a decade, i'm always thinking of what to say next and can never relax and 'bee myself XD'. I know this seems like a lot of self pity but its affecting my life more than ever. If i'm ever about to say something to a group I instantly get thoughts in my head that say something like 'they think you're pathetic' or 'they don't like you' so I just stay silent.

>tl,dr Any mental transformations shy, low self esteemed people have made to 'being their selves XD'
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Start lifiting, I am less of a sperg now.
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>>17459774

Just talk, man, the less you practice your social abilities, the worse they get.

Bottling up and withdrawing in your head will only worsen your shyness. Get out there, open up, live happily
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>>17459780
Yeah i've been lifting for three years and it does help a bit and playing sport now, but I still think very poorly of myself, and barely speak to the guys on my teams.
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>>17459774
What this dude said can help but if you arent fat (in which you should defenitely do it) I think its better to join a sport club (I personally did Judo) so you can talk to people with similar interests.
Have you thought about traveling alone? Maybe that can help you to start realizing that your life is about yourself and not your close friends or your family. Plus you can always talk about your travel when you run out of ideas because you exclude controversial answers (which you should not - better controversial but honest than boring).
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>>17459787
I've been playing football each week with some great guys, which I love playing, but i'm still so in my head with them. It's like every time I meet a person or am talking to a person this belief that i'm a total outsider creeps in my head.

I can actually make casual conversation quite easily, I work in sales, but never 'banter' or witty fun convo anymore.
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>>17459774
In my experience there are three things that help, over which you have varying levels of control. Doing well in any one makes the others easier.
1) Avoiding negative thoughts. What we think manifests itself into our lives. If you can block out negative thoughts and not overanalyze yourself, that helps a lot.
2) Succeeding and becoming a person you're proud of. Confidence grows with success, not with watching motivational videos, not with reading books, not with trying and failing.
3) Medication. Can enable the two above. Antidepressants have significantly reduced my anxiety and obsessive thinking.
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Real self esteem comes from thoroughly believing that you're not a bad person. You have no less right to exist and be around and try to live a good life than a random other person.

The biggest element to this is having been raised in a stable and loving environment. This creates a "protective cocoon", which basically means a shield towards all the very real danger and risks of everyday life. Believing that you'll be fine.

If you missed out on that, it can be hard and time consuming to catch up. But the second best way is through a lot of social interaction. The reason why this works is because friendship isn't as easy and one dimensional as in movies. Friends annoy you and are annoyed by you, they call you out on shit, they see you be awkward and fuck up, they see you wasted and embarrassing, they are bored with you. If you are around people a lot and grow to have faith in their appreciation for you, that is a deep, organic kind of confidence. It doesn't have to do with status, with your "image" or persona. It has to do with people seeing you for who you are, with all your flaws, and still thinking you're nice to be around and a good addition to their life.
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>>17459869
For the record, you did not describe that much about your own situation, but I think you can relate to some of my experiences. I was very insecure as a teenager and some things came together - my father got cancer, my sister had a severe eating disorder, I was failing my school and I was very much in love with someone who didn't return my feelings for a few years. I was already pretty awkward before that, and afterwards I started edging towards agoraphobia. I went to and from university by train, and I wouldn't dare to sit next to people because I felt like I inconvenienced them, and I cramped up and became hyperfocussed on my breathing, whether I was touching them, whether I smelled bad. I did not dare to eat because I feared making a mess, disgusting them with eating noises, or smiling at someone while having something stuck in my teeth. I had such an extreme pressure built up that if people barked at me for some reason, even though I tried to not be in anyone's way, I would come close to hyperventilating, start crying in public, freak out because I was crying in public over nothing and what would people think???? etc. It was terrible, for years I felt like I was just waiting for my spirit to break and either off myself or get on some numbing medication because I always felt out of place, gross, offensive, and basically like I should apologize for breathing in the same air as others.

This is now about three years ago and I've made a lot of progress. Part of it is growing older (I am three years older than you are now, as well), I've had intensive therapy, not really any magic tip I can give you. What I did want to tell you is that for me the switch was to realize that confidence isn't about trusting that you will do things alright. It's still backing yourself when they don't.
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>>17459888
It's having the perspective to realize that making a lame joke no one laughs at, breaking something minor that's not yours, saying something that's accidentally kind of rude sounding, etc etc etc - is something that happens to everyone and is not in any way a testament of your character. That it is a matter of respect for yourself to accept yourself as a person who is sometimes unreasonable, and sometimes clumsy, and sometimes wrong... and not as some sort of unrealistic character who always has great lines and never fucks up.

So, I hope you can take something from this, either way good luck and try to keep in mind that this is in part a struggle of how to be a good, happy adult, that is going to come easier to you as you live and learn. But the important thing is to not give in to urges to avoid people or situations that make you feel anxious. You give power over it that way and it becomes a lot bigger, more than life size.
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>>17459869
>>17459888
>>17459893
Thanks for you response, what you are saying is very helpful.

I forget lots of people have had it worse.

>Not in any way a testament of your character
This is very helpful to me also. I've been reading about not identifying with things and the way you put this made it a to easier to understand.

Thanks for the responses guys, you're doing the world good
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>>17459774
>How do you build self esteem and core confidence, /adv/?
By doing the things you aren't confident about. Note that this means the first few attempts have to be made without the benefit of confidence. Start with small victories and work your way up.
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