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Just discovered GF has been faking it

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Hi /adv/,

I just found out my girlfriend has been faking orgasms during penetrative sex. Allow me to provide some background and details.

>Have never had desire for sex, however am physically attracted to women; as such I identify as somewhat asexual
>Am incapable of cumming from penetrative sex myself
>Have major trust issues due to bad prior relationships, as such I value honesty highly
>Do not blame either of us for lack of orgasms
>Have ample tackle, exercise frequently, and am a generous lover
>Also understand many women cannot easily orgasm internally
>Have no issue making her orgasm externally
>Keep no secrets from her; details are all known to her
>We have been dating almost 2 years and recently moved in together
>When I asked her how she thought it would benefit either of us she couldn't produce an answer

I need advice on how to feel and how to react. Sex is somewhat alien to me, so I don't really know if this is a big deal, however I feel extremely betrayed, and like I have been wasting a lot of effort; sex is only something I do for the pleasure of people I deeply care about. I have also told her in the past that I never want her to fake an orgasm as it would be only detrimental to our sex life and trust.

Any insight and personal experiences are more than welcome. Thanks in advance, /adv/
Wait, where did she admit that she was faking it?
a big part of female sexual enjoyment is satisfying your man including stroking his ego, she just didn't want you to be disappointed and probably thought it was normal to do that

just let her know you just want to please her and are fine with her not orgasming or doing more external based stuf
I dont get why women fake
This. All of this.
The thing is that many women fake at least sometimes, so guys get the impression that a woman climaxing from penetration is more common than it actually is. On top of that they look at porn in which multiple vaginal orgasms are faked by default.

So the situation you get is that, if the guy you're with has been with girls who easily came from fucking and/or faked it, he's going to be annoyed with you if you don't fake. In theory yes, he will probably say that he's willing to try harder or to be more patient or to accept the limitations of her body. In practice though, he'll be less turned on because she's not spasming on his dick, and a bit insecure because that's human and thoughts creep in - did she climax with exes, is it just on her or am I also not that great, do I last long enough - and then resentment starts to form because of the bad feelings. ("My ex never had issues, this girl's just broken".)

Oftentimes it's also a slippery slope, where a woman fakes once in the heat of the moment (it is typically also a turn on for the woman herself to act out an orgasm even if it's not real and evoke that feeling psychologically), and then the guy is so hyped up that suddenly there's pressure to do it more often.

An alternative is that guys "accept" that you don't orgasm easily from intercourse, but don't really accept it, so sex goes from being fun playful enjoying each other's bodies to a bitter quest to get her to climax once and for all, that also puts pressure on the woman to have the good reaction alright.

If men were more relaxed about whether there was an orgasm or not, there would be 10x less motivation to fake.
She mentioned that 'faking it' came up during conversation with my friends, then the rest of the conversation took it's course.

I see what you're saying. I just have a hard time letting it slide when I've made my honesty policy clear from the start, and that I'm not a typical machine guy. Like I said, sex isn't about me for me, and she knows this well.

I never will... It's so incredibly counter productive. I pressed her for an answer, but apparently women barely know why they do it either
I really like your answer and it makes a lot of sense to me... The only thing is that this assumes a regular straight male-female relationship. I am not turned on by sex at all, therefore I imagine it should alleviate the pressure to perform.

That said, I can understand why my girlfriend would see the 'bitter quest' situation being the outcome, I would just like to think she knows me better than that after nearly 2 years...
Honestly yeah I understand that the idea is really weird, because obviously you are withholding a part of sexual feedback. But at the same time, ask any man at all whether they prefer to be with a girl who either never or very rarely has vaginal orgasms, or takes a lot of effort to get off at all, or a girl who easily and "naturally" climaxes from the stuff they do together, 99% of men would pick the girl who cums from sex.
Is it so baffling then that women are tempted to pretend they orgasm more than they do?

On top of that I also tend to agree with >>17456348. Sex is also a performance and everyone fakes a bit to a degree. Eg if you're getting distracted, you are more likely to focus harder on doing something to her than to show in your face that you're not quite there. People typically do not call off sex if they lose interest at some point, and try to hide it when they can't get wet/hard well. Female moaning is not so much done because it is an involuntary response you cannot possibly repress, it is more akin to screaming in a rollercoaster: sure, technically you could keep it down, but it feels good and natural and it makes the experience more intense, it excites you and excites your partner. Faking an orgasm is like a 2.0 version of that: it can be a way to play up how good everything feels and make your partner feel good about himself as a lover.

Having said all this, you're very right that your relationship is in some ways very different. I think perhaps in your girlfriend's eyes an orgasm was a confirmation/reward for your efforts beyond anything else that she could do or say. As for
>after nearly 2 years...
Part of the issue is that admitting you faked it for a prolonged time is loaded and difficult. It is quite possible that she was not afraid that you would react badly to her fake orgasms, but to her faking her orgasms.

maybe she doesnt understand why you're not that sexual (do you?) and was worried it's because of insecurities that she was trying to minimize

also if you never cum from penetrative sex then she probably doesn't know how to bring it to a close any other way, she probably thought it was kinder to fake an orgasm of her own than ask to stop which could be awkward for both of you
Faking does the opposite because it will come out sooner or later.

I get the impression most women think of it as a little white lie that is harmless but mandatory for politeness sake, like the female version of when a woman asks her man if she looks fat in this dress and he's going to say of course not every single time when he probably didnt even look over
It's not baffling as to why women would fake it, I strive to be open-minded and researched the topic. This provided lots of female insight, however being that I really don't have sex for personal/selfish enjoyment I can't understand why she'd be trying to do it to benefit me.

I like your rollercoaster analogy; I think that provides the best answer so far. I can see why it would build hype or whatever for her, but I mean, faking a climax (or more baffling yet, multiple climaxes) seems beneficial to no one. I myself enjoy the closeness and intimacy, the sensation is nice too, but I'm cannot climax and it wouldn't ever cross my mind to pretend.

I know she was worried I'd react badly. She was right to worry as she knows me well and clearly I have an issue with it (or I'd not have taken to /adv/). It doesn't really explain why she'd fake at all though, given that I informed her of my orientation and attitude toward sex from the start.

I don't know why I'm not that sexual, I assume it's a natural alignment much like being gay, bi, trans-gendered, etc.

The thing is we've brought it to a close naturally and maturely many times ("I'm beat, can we just cuddle now?", for example).

Like I mentioned earlier, she can't give me a good answer as to why she'd bother faking it. I'm not so much looking for a reason as I am for a way to react and to feel given my slightly unusual circumstances.

So far the discussion has given me plenty to thin about though. I also feel much better just talking about it
It's of course impossible to say as it's just one woman's choice, but to perhaps provide some further possible elements, it could be that this is just the way she has sex and it did not cross her mind to adjust her thing.
Many young girls are also very unaware of female orgasms not being a given - for many women the first orgasm they fake is after being mortified that their body is not doing what it's supposed to do. It needs to be an intimate female friendship for women to openly share lack of orgasms or struggle to climax - it can very much feel like an intimate failure, like impotency. Especially at a young age, girls are typically more involved with bluffing and protecting their image and won't sit down with their friends, who they also compare themselves to, and fess up that the sex with their great boyfriend is awkward, or that their body is complicated and high maintenance.

If this was the case for your girlfriend, she likely just picked up the habit and now faking orgasms is a part of sex for her that she would miss, because it channels her feelings of pleasure and is just part of the package for her. It might have been a turn off for her to suddenly not bother with going there.

I think what you should also consider is how she feels about having sex with someone who doesn't get much out of it physically. It can be that she feels a bit self conscious about that, especially because of the whole cultural trope that men are crazy for sex and sticking it in rocks their world every time. Perhaps she feels that if you already don't enjoy it that much, and she doesn't fake orgasms, it would be an uncomfortable intimacy, especially if you read her not having orgasms as her not enjoying herself much. And that it would be better to just play up her side to almost even it out.
Faking multiple orgasms could be a way to try to communicate to you that it was exceptionally good for her - the only way she is used to really hit home with guys and validate them.
Perhaps she also underestimates how disinterested you are in sex. Even if you were 100% clear about it, if she found that painful to accept she might have (subconsciously, even) cleaned it up a bit in her head anyway.

All of this is speculation, though, and my point is not necessarily to guess what exactly her motive was but more to show that this is a personal and complicated issue. Yeah, it has to do with your sex life and it has to do with your stance on honest/openness. But it also has to do with her idea of normal sex, her self esteem a woman and a bedpartner, her shameful memories from her past... and I think any of that baggage might weigh heavier for her now than something specific between the two of you or what you told her.

it's might also be something she's insecure about, she probably thinks not being able to orgasm from PIV makes her bad in bed or some shit
Okay, so from what you're saying (and I don't mean to come off as a dick) I take that the female mind is extremely complicated, emotional, and irrational. I think therein lies my issue; simply not being able to understand her. You're saying she feels pressured to perform due mainly social influences and that I shouldn't take it personally.

Now would I be wrong in saying that women are somewhat self-absorbed in that, at times, they act on emotional impulses that benefit themselves, while totally neglecting the impact on others? I just feel like that may be the case in this situation.

In relation to your point about it being part of a package, I really think she needs to understand the ramifications that lying of any sort has on a relationship. I suppose I'll need to express myself about why this is a big issue for me.

I think in the beginning she definitely felt the need to play it up, but we've become extremely close since then, which is why this hurts. I also feel she should know me better than to feel any need to fake it, but like I've made bleeding obvious, I don't have much of a handle on the female mind.
>orgasms could be a way to try to communicate to you that it was exceptionally good
>if she found that painful to accept she might have (subconsciously, even) cleaned it up
These are really good points that I hadn't thought about, or discovered in my research (many 'top-# why she is faking it' lists)

>it also has to do with her idea of normal sex, her self esteem a woman and a bedpartner, her shameful memories from her past
I find this a good incentive to get out of my own head about it, and to be more understanding. Thanks.
my currently-trying-to-get-her-back ex gf casually confessed she faked a couple of orgasms while we were watching the Seinfeld episode where Elaine confesses she faked it with Jerry.

I was kinda devastated. But it was way worse when she said she did fuck her ex bf, she told me she was a virgin when we first had sex.

>still miss her so much
You are pathetic.
Woman's orgasms are very mental. Until you are able to control that you will fail.
My girl fakes it once in awhile.

I've called her out on it before, and she knows I can tell. She's stopped doing it after I didn't react well to her continuing to fake it after I knew. Which I could kind of tell anyway because it's different from when I actually make her cum.
look no further than OP's wounded ego. his real butthurt is he is not getting her off. he's been fine as long as he thought he was a stud
I had to go off after that post and am replying in case you still see this.

I honestly think all human minds are. Ratio doesn't really play a big part in emotions and sexuality. What is rational about getting crazy excited to fuck someone's sloppy slimy orifice?

Just for the record, I think you shouldn't see this as a definite reflection of your feelings about her (eg not respecting your words about honesty) or your sexual relationship. I did not mean to say that you should not take it personally because that's your good right and quite understandable.

I don't really see a clear divide here between own interest and that of the partner. It is not discernible at least, because if she was convinced that faking was a good idea it was probably for both of your benefit in her head.

It is up to you which standards you want to uphold in your relationship and what your boundaries are. But I do think that not being honest in a situation like this is a different category from, say, lying about how you spend money or something. Lots of guys pretend that their dick is a tad bigger than it is, or that they've been with more girls than they have. That yeah, their current girlfriend is the best they ever had. That their limp dick is because they had a few too much and not because they got turned off from something she did.
These are not truths, but they are sort of half-truths, created to shield yourself and to spare your partner and basically try to please each other and avoid shame.
Again though, this is my opinion. If you feel that honesty = honesty and lies = lies, no ifs buts etc, that's fine. It's just to give another outlook.

Well, that was also what I attempted to say, it is pretty hard to tell someone that you faked it (and felt the need? etc). She probably feels comfortable enough now - she didn't tell you for nothing - but not right at the beginning of the relationship.
Quit being a faggot and make your fuck style buckwild. If you don't she's gonna cheat or dump you especially if you are young. I hate a 10/10 hot Latin gf she couldn't fuck her way out of a paper bag. I ended up cheating on her with a 6 (ex) that was really good in bed
this is a lie, or at least not true in all cases. my hitachi makes me cum and i don't think about anything. it just flat out feels really really good.

some personal experience, as a female: i've faked orgasms during sex. i just don't cum from it. even if the guy takes the time to try to make me orgasm, it won't happen unless there's a vibrator. that said, that doesn't necessarily mean i disliked the sex. usually the sex is average, sometimes fantastic. there's still a lot of it i enjoy, even without reaching an end goal for me. it still feels good, i like pleasing my partner, etc. for what it's worth, i ended up telling my bf that i had faked it for the past two years and he was upset as well.
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