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No pleasure from anything

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I think I've been this way for a long time but I've always mostly attributed it to circumstances rather than a deeper personality issue. Lately, though, I've started to believe it is mostly down to me.

There's nothing in my life I ever get excited about. I don't have any hobbies, I never ever feel like I'm having fun, things I know that I probably should be enjoying I'm not. I used to really enjoy videogames, had to stop because I couldn't afford it, then when I tried getting back into them I just didn't care. There have been a lot of books that I really enjoyed in the past, and they probably still have some power for me, but it's hard to pick something knowing that I may not enjoy it (I've exhausted a few 'best of' lists). Music has never been my thing. TV shows come and go - game of thrones was something I looked forward to but that's it and even then I wasn't that invested.

Most recently I was in a homosexual relationship (my first relationship). Kissing was comfy and I had a few blowjobs which were nice but wasn't that into it. I classify myself as mostly straight so I thought that was why I didn't think much of it. A couple of days ago I hired a female prostitute. Something I've been thinking about for years but never felt the need to go for it. Picked out somebody I was attracted to from a website, not my top choice looks wise but she seemed safe - not a trashy local or a trafficked minority.

The whole experience felt totally ordinary. I had a little shudder of nerves when she opened the door (was a little paranoid some guy would jump me) but apart from that I didn't feel any different. My heart rate didn't go up much, I wasn't panicking or thinking to myself "wow, I'm really doing this". I just went through the motions and left like nothing had happened. And it's not like I don't like the idea of sex, I think about it quite a lot, masturbate regularly, fantasise about people I know etc but the actual experience was just ordinary.

(cont)
>>
I'm holding down a job. I don't have friends at work but the people I work alongside seem to have a neutral or positive opinion of me. I'm not very engaging but I'm always polite and good humoured. It's very rare that I feel upset, I wouldn't say I ever feel 'numb' but I do feel quite detached a lot of the time. I'm not sleeping much which I know probably isn't doing much good but even when I was sleeping well I don't think there was much difference. I've been on antidepressants during the occasional time of crisis but never stuck with them.

I don't like living this way. I know I'm missing out on enjoying what's in front of me. There's a lot in this world I won't have but I can't even get happiness from what's mine. How do I change?
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>>17452057
aspergers is real.
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>>17452140
It sure is but I don't see how that's relevant to me. Sure, I have some social issues but not in an aspie way - I'm not some goofy oblivious mess. I don't suffer from sensory overload, I don't have any aspie special talents or interests etc.
>>
I would say that what you experience is anhedonia and probably dystymia.

It would be hard to speak more with so little detail. It could be linked to dysfunctional childhood but in a unobvious way that would leave it's victim puzzled at the source of his problems.

Could you speak more about your childhood, your parents? Here or you could e-mail me at [email protected] if you want some privacy.
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>>17452183
I'll have to get to sleep shortly. Might post in more detail if I'm still ruminating.

As far as childhood goes: poor but not starving. Always had meals, could afford to get new vidya with decent regularity (though I had to choose wisely). Not a strong family unit, we never really did things together. dad was alcoholic - in and out of prison. Very rarely caused trouble when I was around. Died before I entered my teens. Mother had a huge breakdown and my life was total misery for a good few years. But even before that garbage started I had social issues, no hobbies apart from gaming, mindset was quite similar but the very rough patch I went through left its mark no doubt. Virtually no illegal drug use (cannabis a handful of times and some recreational prescription use)
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>>17452218
I would say that your current problems are aligned with the way your childhood were, don't you agree?

To fully understand our own childhood dysfunctions we need to understand what a "proper" childhood is and what it should instill into children. Proper parenting should give the child sense of profound stability in the world, child should feel wanted and apreciated, it should feel happy and should want to extend way of life it was brought into because it should sense this way would be good for it's own children, it should see healthy relationship between it's parents that would serve as great example for it's own future relationships. Child should be encouraged to take hobbies, actions that would profit it into the future, it should aslo be guided so that it would grow as a person, realize it's boundaries and learn how to be independent. And some more.

We see you probably had none of those things. What I take from what you wrote about your childhood is about as great as many people could say about how their pets are brought up. People are much complicated and much more is expected from us. Child deserce much better than pet.

You are basically doing everything right from the stand point that was shown to you. You have work, steady life, no problems with law. Problem is noone brought you into the subtelity of social interaction, noone shows you happyness of hobbies and passions. No, quite contrary, your folks showed you very bleak vision of reality that you are now suffering from.

TBC
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>>17452243
What you write about relationship and sex is sad but frankly something that is to be expected from the way you look at things. What I found in life that all the pleasure lies in our mind. Sex can be glorious, heavenly, it can feel like nothing at all, or be uterly horrible all acording to state of mind, expectations and past experience. Sex with a person you love and have lots of feelings invested into, is really great, sex with person you don't care at all can be as you yourself said, bland and uninteresting.

I will bet that relationship is nebulous concept for you. You have no good example, plan for it. You don't even have basic outline that your parents should give to you just by living their life. But healthy relationship is in my opinion best way for you to grow and find happyness and pleasure in life.

If you feel interested in trading e-mail, hit me up I would love to have some english conversation partner (not my main language).
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>>17452057
Hey my advice would be every day before bed just go over everything you have done in your day and think about it
do more activities and you might just realise that what you're doing isn't as
shit as you fought
Hope it helps
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>>17452264
I can relate to OP actually. Got any advice on how to develop to be more functional? It's an issue but never a pressing one until I read this thread
Thread posts: 10
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