Can't believe I'm coming here for this, especially
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Post No. 17388397
Can't believe I'm coming here for this, especially after never posting, but here we go...
The last year of my life has been a mess I feel.
>be male second oldest of 6 and 2 half siblings
>break my leg 3 days before
>mess on hydrocodone
>lose all my friends, qtgf, become a mess even after sobering
>get 3 part time jobs after being able to walk (lasts about 5 months...)
>getting ready to go on Mormon mission
>old atheist friend messages me some stuff, start doubting
Background: I've been skeptic for awhile...
>mom gets pissed at asking(hardcore Mormon) try to change my mind about doubting
background: had on/off depression since the divorce and remarriage 3 days later, suicidal thoughts and a couple attempts that i never followed through, never talked about it or did anything
>go in, 3 months in am having breakdowns and panic realizing there's no way out and I have no faith...
>email my mom, she's concerned as she's worried suddenly I'll kill myself
>decide to go home a few days later (not knowing moms concerned and worried I'll get disowned...)
>gets labeled as "medical excuse"
>mom and stepdad get pissed everytime I breakdown
>see therapist who's convinced I'm having a "spiritual existential crisis" is all...
>3 weeks later go see my dad in Colombia
>he has several breakdowns
Background: he has PTSD schizoid bipolar issues which got much worse after divorce...they also had six kids...
>get back home
>therapist has a stroke
>breakdowns 1 week later
>have no money since #norefunds
>parents upset I still don't want to be Mormon...
(Pic slightly unrelated, but feels...)
>get 2 jobs, try to just live life and stop caring...
>read Camus, go to college orientation, see old atheist friend, smoke some pot and feel like life is actually worth living
>1 week later drive car off cliff and hit a tree, breaking other leg, face smashing windshield, could've missed the tree and went off bigger cliffs and died
>morphine, percoset, blood thinners
>absolute mess so mom makes me cut down
>absolute terror of riding in cars
>stepdad and mom laugh, then get pissed every time I panic attack in a car, laugh at me
>stepdad pissed I'm ruining "his fucking vacation"
>throws me in the camper/trailer, I'm screaming bloody murder the whole time
>we get somewhere and they're pissed I don't calm the hell down
>let me ride in car
>freak the hell out on me every time I breathe, say anything, when they go over the white line, jerk on turns, etc
>make fun of me jerking the wheel and turning back to look at me and make comments...
I don't know what to do about this bullshit. I'm now stuck camping in the middle of nowhere, can barely fucking walk, have no car and could not handle driving one if I did, and no way to even talk to parents without them freaking out on me. I'm a fucking adult with problems they could never take the light of day to even address, and I don't know what to do...I don't even know what I'm asking for posting here, I just don't feel like I can keep handling this. I can't even talk to my bitchy sisters without them getting annoyed, cuz I'm an asshole and all....
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