Life's only turned up, I think, because I'm coming
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Post No. 17387118
Life's only turned up, I think, because I'm coming to the end of the tunnel. No so dark now, but it's probably because I've hit the wall.
I'm dying. Pulmonary hypertension, diagnosed too late, life expectancy about 3-4 years. Before that, I was suicidally depressed and had been for most of my life. But just about half a year ago, life started being beautiful again! I'd found the first person I'd ever loved unconditionally beside myself; somebody just like me in that sense, right down to the number of attempts on our own lives, and we anchored each other like none we'd ever met before. I went outside and could appreciate the seabreeze blowing inland, the light in the trees, and the allure of simple pleasures finally made itself clear.
And now it's all coming to an end too quickly. I had plans to bring my stories out into the world; I wanted to finish my books so my thoughts could live outside of my own head. But I can't do that anymore. I can't even ensure that the people I love are going to be okay without me; my life's produced very little good, and the suffering that'll result from it ending will outweigh that by far.
What can I do?
I really am sorry. Been trying to kill myself since I was 16, hasn't stopped now at 26. Came really close and I got fairly scared so I can't give you any real advice that will be meaningful to you.
What can I say. We all die, it is what it is. As for fear itself, you'll experience it and it'll probably might decrease as years go by.
I'm currently avoiding doing an ECG because I know there's something wrong with me since I got chest pains and there's heart diseases going around on my family.
Just be sure your underlying condition can't be treated before you give up on doctors and drugs. If there really isn't any treatment other than just managing the symptoms and expecting the inevitable than you might as well live your life as you were normally. It'll just be shorter.
Death itself to me it's not so scary. At this point I conceive being death as being asleep, so not so bad after all. At least you found true love before dying, many people don't. I know I haven't.
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