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so i've been micromanaged my whole life by my mom and dad.

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so i've been micromanaged my whole life by my mom and dad. i've only started to get more independent in my recent years.
this pisses my mom off a lot (dad is out of the picture now) so she thinks i'm mis-behaving for not doing everything she says anymore, which includes: what kind of friends i make, who i date, how often i exercise/go outside (she wants me to do less), what i eat, how i spend the money i've earned, etc.

she's always discouraged me from being independent from her (while hypocritically saying she wants me to be independent)... but my "rebelling" have taught me things she's shamed me into not learning like using a credit card, how to work the ATM, how to socialize with other people, getting my license, etc. meanwhile, my sister who is still under her rule is completely dependent on my mom and doesn't know how to do anything herself and is too afraid to try.... and my mom likes it this way. (though she will still berate her for being clueless)

so my mom and i have been arguing a lot more; mostly with her trying to regain control of me by trying to prove i'm doing everything wrong and shaming/guilt-tripping me.

i'm moving out soon and been thinking of cutting her out entirely. is this harsh? will she ever improve?
>>
choose what you value the most: your mother's feelings or your freedom. that's it

also women change even less than men, expecially when they're older, don't bet on it.
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>>17384360

Don't cut her out, moving out of the house will give you a lot of independence and freedom as it is. If your mum continues to try to micromanage your life after you move i would explain to her that you are an adult and can make your own decisions and can come to her when you want her advice. She will probably be upset but understand a lot of this is her realisation that you are no longer a child and she cant dictate your every move. If she loves you, which obviously she does, she will come around when she see's you living your life independently.

Just remember to assert yourself.
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>>17384377
thanks that's depressing but i'll keep that in mind

>>17384378
the problem is i'm 24, and my sister is 23, and she is still trying to wrangle me back into treating me like a child...

i'm just afraid that when i have a kid, she'll try to micromanage me again about how to be a mom or something. or if i decide to get a car, she'll criticise what i chose to drive, etc... basically any decision i make without her permission/guidance will make her unhappy.

she's already unhappy that i found a nice place to live and thinks i'm going to fuck up the neighbors somehow...
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>>17384389

You are 24, you decide what happens in your own life, there is nothing she can do if you set boundaries with her. If you were mentally ready and willing to cut her out of your life completely then you can go half the distance and just limit how often she can contact you. Realise that she can only have an impact on your life as much as you allow her to, if she shows up at your new place uninvited a lot you have cause to tell her to stop or get a restraining order, but i doubt she will force things this much.

Do you care what she thinks when she's criticising your choice of car/house/anything? Because you shouldn't... at all. Family is a privilege not a right.
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>>17384407
Good points, thank you. The only reason why it bothers me when she forces her opinions is because i am still a little weak minded and start having second thoughts when my mom is vehemently saying i'm doing everything wrong. I'm trying to get more confident in my decisions and i guess my mom still has a bit of hold on me because she knows my fears and such. Especially when she uses my dad as an excuse. He was apparently abusive and lives as a bum... but i can't confirm that since i havent seen him in 8 years and i only have her word since i barely remember much of what he did
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>>17384360
My family is the same, my mom is really controlling but others join in and try to decide things for me a lot. I got two cousins that are more or less dolls and do whatever is told (they are 24 and 25 years old). In their head Family > Individual.

I moved out as soon as I could and our relationship improved a little because I could put a clear line between me and them. I just turned 30 and they still try to manipulate me and make me change my mind on things, but finding a understanding SO really helped me put things in perspective.

Just like >>17384407 says family is a privilege not a right! I have clearly taken a distance from many of them and told them off because they would try and tell me how to live my life so it benefits them or gets their approval, without them actually caring about my feelings or opinions on matters. Especially concerning big life changing decisions. If they don't care enough about you and your feelings enough to listen then it's not worth wasting your time with them! You will be the one hurt and they wouldn't care less.
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>>17384360
>cutting her out entirely
What do you see as the key benefits of this? From what you've written, cutting her out would give you the convenience of not having to be frequently nagged and berated for decisions you make. Are there other benefits as well?

>is this harsh?
I can think of two potential reasons for you to ask this:
1. You're concerned about how your mother will take it.
2. Your mother has ingrained in you the mindset that you need permission or validation to make "big" decisions.

In regards to point 1, she will definitely be hurt by you cutting her out. Ironically, the reason she's overbearing is because she loves you deeply and instinctively wants to take care of you. I should emphasise "wants", because clearly the outcome of her actions are different than what she intended---That you and your sister are well raised and happy. As well, she may feel increasingly emotionally invested in you and your sister since your dad distanced himself, because she may think to herself "they're the only immediate family I have left".

With respect to the 2nd point, your decisions are your own to make. You clearly know this, however, as you've said, you need to make a conscious effort to recognise when you aren't asserting yourself as you should.

[Part 1/2]
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One consideration related to both these points is that you may at some point in the future want her back in your life---it's a sad thing not to have contact with either parent, especially in old age, as you feel you and the people around you inching towards the ends of your lives. Cutting her out completely would likely stress any future attempts to repair the relationship.

I would suggest that you ask yourself if you love her despite her being difficult to deal with. To me it sounds as if you do, and if that's the case I recommend that you maintain contact with her. This doesn't necessarily mean that you must talk to or visit her every time she'd like to---a relationship has two people in it, not one; it's perfectly acceptable to put your foot down (while being mindful not to come across as hostile).

>will she ever improve?
It's unlikely unless you realistically think she has the potential to see her behaviour as a problem. Lots of parents are like this however, few of them have the insight that their behaviour is detrimental to their relationships with their children---Like I said, a lot of it comes down to the overwhelming feeling of wanting to look after their children.

The key think for you to consider is whether dealing with this kind of behaviour, in this instance, is worth it in order to maintain a relationship with your mother.

[Part 2/2]
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>>17384533
Thanks anon, i can definitely feel the same about my family in regards to yours. As i've mentioned, my sister is whipped by my mom and will harp with her sometimes, usually when it benefits her to control me as well. It's extremely stressful; seen them do this to my brother who later got into drugs and started not to give a shit about anything except on how to get away from the family. He too is moving out, and i have a feeling he won't be in touch much longer with my mom and sister.

>>17384578
>>17384580
Well another thing is money; my mom feels entitled to any money i make and has my sister's bank account that she will use as if its her own. My sis doesnt like this, but doesnt know how to tell her off or is easily guilted and manipulated into giving into her. My mom thinks all of us should be contributing a quarter of our paychecks for her raising us all these years. She's already taken our student loans back when i didnt know any better; she handled all my paper work and i didnt even know the existence of it until i opened my own bank account.

She no longer has access to my finance, but like how she tries to manipulate my decisions, i'm afraid she might do the same with money some day as she already have in the past. I dont even make much at all.

But ofcourse, i do still care about her which is why her nagging bothers me at all. The death thing does concern me. But it's incredibly hard to trust her anymore and she doesnt seem to have the best intentions for me in mind. Even some of her berating seems baseless; when apartment hunting, all she could do is complain about my choices and telling me i did it wrong... Until i found a high end place that was a literal gem at a great price, that she could not argue. Still, today she tried to say it was a bad idea.

It's almost as if she'll criticize us to keep us dependent on her, so that she can benefit from us, but that's just my hunch and something she would never admit to
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>>17384819
I guess in essence; if my mom could respect that i want to be free from her chains and let me have the choice to contribute to whatever she needs/wants without getting huffy about it, then i'd be more than glad to help... Right now it feels like i am forced no matter what my situation or opinions are, and even when i do contribute, it's without thanks because i'm "supposed" to be doing this
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>>17384860
Get out fast anon! Especially after what you said about your brother and the money issue. I understand you care for your family and don't want to cut them out completely but you really need to distance yourself so that you can live your own life and let them in on occasions you feel you can handle it.

(I'm the anon with a similar family) I have a high tolerance for stress and taking crap from people without getting upset/sad/angry. But one word from my mom/family and it makes me question myself, she knows exacly how to get under my skin and is not afraid to use guilt, drama, anger and threats to get her way. When I was younger I ended up in a abusive relationship where I was treated the same way because I thought this was "normal". Though my current SO and his family I got to see that it's not normal at all, and that families shouldn't behave that way.

You are worth more anon! Don't make the same mistake I did!
Thread posts: 12
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