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So I made a brief thread yesterday, and I want to expand on it.

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So I made a brief thread yesterday, and I want to expand on it. I was unhappy at home, sold everything, and went traveling so I could die somewhere.

My survival instincts are kicking in, and I'm fighting against them. I am too scared to return home. I've been writing my stories. They include memories of:
- molestation
- being beaten by much older siblings (hospitalised)
- drunk, emotionally abusive parents
- neglect, no food, sleep deprived etc. through youth on a regular basis
- getting my ass kicked by groups of teenagers and adults as a kid
- teachers screaming in my face, frequent gratuitous punishments because of my siblings (bad apple bad bunch)
- teachers trying to fail me, reporting me for 'cheating' and 'behavioural misconduct' to try and anull my work
- ostracised for being homo
- many close friends and family betrayed me badly at 18
- failed heavily by a medical system that seems to have no time for me, run the same tests over and over again making 0 progress

I am scared, my brain is trying to rationalise going back because my survival instincts are kicking in, but I can't go back. That's not a choice. I'm too sick to live on my own, but I won't go back to the abusive household that made me feel this way. If I weren't sick I could just make a life for myself, but I feel utterly robbed of any hope or promise of improvement. What do I do /adv/?
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>>17381861
alcohol helps
just do it
>>
>>17381875
This is what I'm telling myself. It's better than going back. But part of me is melting down at the same time.
>>
Knowing where you are would help.

Obviously, this is beyond our abilities to fix, but we might be able to point you to some ideas/resources
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>>17381911
I'm from England, but I'm not there right now.
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>>17381914
Alright. Where are you now? Do you have citizenship status where you are?
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>>17381918
I'm in Austria. So I guess under the EU yes.
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>>17381902
man the fuck up m80002939334030430
pain only takes a while
find rest in eternity
>>
>>17381930
Man up in what way exactly? Can't tell if you're telling me to just do it, or not to do it.
>>
>>17381861
>I'm too sick to live on my own
My initial assumption is that this is not true. You're perfectly fine, you just have psychological problems which are affecting your health.

I'd say try to start manning up, being more positive and enjoying your life. Cut contact with your family, at least until you manage to handle your own life. Surround yourself with good people and friends. Seek professional help and tell them what you told us. Life's awesome. Don't let other people ruin it for you. Every human on this planet is worth equally and you have all the rights to stand up for yourself.

Also the hardest part: you need to not depend on love from other people (especially your parents). I'm sorry for you, as it's not meant for children to grow and live without the love of their parents but it is as it is. Start loving yourself and maybe find a partner who loves you. You'll feel like something is missing your whole life but you just need to accept this or it'll ruin your life - you'll be trying to get the love or attention of people who clearly don't care about you and fail again and again.
>>
>>17381959
I really wish it were a delusion. I've been getting sicker and sicker over the last 5 years. These days I have really low stamina (and not for being a lazy shit, I was trained by a professional athlete for over a year), and sometimes I suddenly get really weak and my vision goes blurry. I start breathing heavily and stuff, have to lie down quickly or it progresses more towards fainting.

It's not a panic attack, I've had those and this seems to onset randomly.

At other points, I'll get an episode that lasts much longer. The last one went on for about a month. I could barely walk half a mile without hitting that almost fainting part.

I couldn't tell you if it's psychosomatic, if it is, it's very real to me. The only remotely useful thing out of the dozen blood tests run that's shown up is my kidneys are failing at a pretty fast rate.
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>>17381971
I didn't say your health issues aren't real. They are. There are people out there *dying* from a broken heart after their lifelong partner passes away.
I'd still say you should focus now on treating your psychological issues. Because that's the only way to treat your health issues, especially if the doctors can't find anything else.
In the meantime, watch your kidneys and drink enough water daily please.
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>>17382219
I drink a lot of water. When I was training, I'd drink 2 litres in a session, if not more.

And nobody really wants to help me with this. Last time I went to a shrink at 18, they tried labelling me with aspergers (which I knew wasn't true; I had taken tests for it before), and ocd.

They pretty much just dismissed the issues, and jumped to the pills and labels. That makes me feel pretty worthless. The medical system has consistently failed me.
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>>17382294
can you get treatment in another country? Or maybe another town in your country?
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>>17382297
No, they're quite fussy in England. You sometimes get specialists that you travel to, but for general consultation it has to be local. Because they've made no progress, it's still general. I've had 20 somethings and early 30 somethings basically shrug their shoulders. They don't know what they're doing, and they don't have to care that much.

GP is a position that's hard to blame or fault, only spends 10 minutes with you, and doesn't tend to levy a great deal of knowledge beyond the common.

Before I get too much hate for this, my previous boyfriend was an accident and emergency junior doctor.
>>
>>17381959

>Also the hardest part: you need to not depend on love from other people (especially your parents). I'm sorry for you, as it's not meant for children to grow and live without the love of their parents but it is as it is. Start loving yourself and maybe find a partner who loves you. You'll feel like something is missing your whole life but you just need to accept this or it'll ruin your life - you'll be trying to get the love or attention of people who clearly don't care about you and fail again and again.

This may be the best piece of advice I've ever read on 4chan, and I've been here far too long and far too much.

It's hard to stop loving people who don't love you. First world problems, I know. Still it will kill you.
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>>17382406
As selfish as it is, I pretty much understood this already. I want to make a better life. I've had lots of people do lots of bad things to me, and those things hurt, they'll probably always hurt.

But I can't deal with being sick, not right now, it traps me with those people. How can I move on when the people who abused me are there every day? I want to escape, and work through these things. But I just can't. The mechanisms and faculties for me to do so just aren't in place.

I'm trying to escape the only way that seems possible right now.
>>
So I pussed out and bought a ticket back. What do I even do with myself? How do I get help from here?

I tried SSRIs once before, but the doctors magic tic tacs never really worked for me. I think I need a lot of therapy. I have over 130 pages of events that disturbed and still disturb me.

I need a lot of medical help..
Thread posts: 18
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