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Please read this, please help me

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>have fragmented memories
>can't remember names or faces
>memories cause a great deal of emotional pain
>not sure if these things even happened to me

One example: There's this guy that's my mortal enemy. I don't know his name, and I can't think of his face really, but I recognize him when I see him. I remember why I hate him, but I don't remember how we met. I want to say he was in a machine shop class with me when we were kids.

Example two: Sexual encounter with a girl. I chickened out and she told me to get off and blabbed to everyone about what a pussy I was. I remember the anger and hatred, but I don't remember her, or where we fooled around. This was in high school, about 9 years ago. This could totally be in my head guys, but there's memories involving that whole group that I remember, and am almost certain happened.

Example three: The day this kid offered me coke. I essentially said coke was for losers and his buddy got butthurt and tried to fight me. Again, my memory is blurry as fuck and I don't know why. No names, no faces, just the emotion, and a fuzzy outline of what happened. Ironically I turned out to be a cokehead later, but I digress.

Example four: Another sexual encounter. She was moaning "fuck me, fuck me", but I chickened out. She thought something was wrong with her, and got really sad about it. There wasn't, really, it just didn't feel right because she seemed like a slut. So anyway I talked shit about her for some reason, I think as a preemptive attack, and she came back with small dick insults that has permeated and planted the seeds to very deep insecurity problems. contd
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example five: The day I went to AA. I could have sworn somebody was calling me out. Like, "Is that anon?", whisper whisper, something derogatory, whisper whisper. And then laughing. And then after the meeting, "there he goes...". Looked around, didn't see a single person I recognized, although there were people looking at me.

Idk if I just imagined these things or if they actually happened, but regardless of if it's real or not I feel the emotional footprint it left behind in a major way. When I'm alone, I'll cuss myself and tell these people that may not exist that I'll fucking kill them if I see them again.

I used to have a very vivid imagination, and the ability to control my mind in a totalitarian way, so had the ability to push the memories or anything occupying my worries wayyy down. So idk. I'm very confused and scared.

I'm going to get a brain scan done soon, to check if maybe I had a stroke or incurred some sort of brain damage. Maybe it's schizophrenia or something. I don't know. But my mind is constantly occupied with what a piece of shit I am, and I have all these horrible memories, both true and false, to back up those claims.

It's like a living hell. Please tell me what to do.
Trauma can mess with memory, as can drugs, long term depression, and several forms of mental or physical illness that affect the brain.

I personally had severe depression and I have had trouble recalling anything from before I started treatment. Stuff since treatment isn't exactly great but is somewhat better, which I consider to be an improvement overall.
>long term depression
>mental illness diagnosis
>physical illness
Is this normal?
What kind of mental illness?
MDD, PTSD, ADD (supposedly)

was never in a war zone
Thanks dick heads. I went to sleep for ten hours and feel a lot better. It's a weird feeling not knowing...but not that big of a deal
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