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Boyfriend considers breaking up, because I think I could be asexual :(

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I'm in a total low currently.. I just can't take the thought of being left by my boyfriend :(. We are only together since the start of the year but he is perfect in my eyes and I just realized I love him a lot.. Problem is, we haven't had sex yet. We make out everytime I am at his place... it ends with him jacking off and me giving him a BJ, because I am "never in the mood". No idea what's wrong with me. Haven't figured it out yet. I could be an asexual,.. it could also be my overall body-problems, I'm extremely insecure with my body, especially my vagina (yeah, don't make fun of that). I can tell he is losing his patience.. But I don't really understand, because I feel like we are a perfect match... We have lots fun when we are together, but then we start breaking into a fight over text, when he mentions he needs sex and that he feels hurt by me, because I don't desire him.. Thing is.. I don't feel desire for anyone, could be Ryan Gosling in my bed and I would still feel nothing. Last time we met, I agreed to have sex but it still kind of sucked, because I was not wet or ready at all and his penis didn't go in... I explained to him I want to have sex but he needs to understand, that I can't choose over how I feel and I would like to try FOR him.. Today it kind of sounded like he was about to break up with me, he said he thinks I only want a good friend or father-figure and that I don't really love him... We are gonna meet again in two days but I have no idea what to do until then, I'm basically trying to distract myself constantly and thinking about cutting, what I stopped doing for several months now and I really, really don't want to start again. Can somebody give me advice on how I can make him understand??? and is it really that hard for guys to obtain from sex (vaginal) for half a year? I think it's really not fair.. If I am an asexual (I'm not completely sure), I did not choose this and I still love him .. Also I feel like we could make it work..
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I'm on the opposite end. Girlfriend is completely uninterested in sex. Says she loves me. I love her. But seriously thinking of ending it.
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Personally he sounds like he's only interested in sex.

But then again I'm one of those all girls should be virgins, wait until marriage types so what do I know.
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>Also I feel like we could make it work..
Not without him feeling miserable, you can't.
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I don't think he is only interested in sex... He told me loves me several times and likes to spend time with me outside of the bedroom ._.
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If you're asexual you're sexual and you can't change that, but he can't change how he is and his needs.

You can't ask him to wait if even yourself think you wanting/being in the mood for sex will never come. You two are not sexually compatible, and to him sex is a part of a good, healthy relationship.

I'm sorry, but if you're truly asexual this relationship will not work. Even if you just let him have sex with you whenever even when you're not in the mood it won't last because vast majority of people want a partner that actually wants to have sex with them not a breathing sex doll.

If it's psychological that's making you like this seek help to overcome it.
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>>17162275
He wants a girlfriend, not a friend that happens to be a friend. Someone he can be intimate with, not just be buddies.
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>>17162234
Sorry girl, there's a whole reddit devoted to problems like yours, and the handful of times I've browsed it, relationships like yours never work. I know it sucks, but if he's a normal guy, he needs to have sex to feel secure and wanted in a relationship. You should maybe look into some sort of asexual dating site or something, because I don't think your relationship is going to last. Hopefully you can work something out though!
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if a condition of you being together is that you don't have sex then it doesn't work for the guy if he needs sex. That doesn't mean it won't work for some other guy.
I really like all the ingredients of the crayfish salads at Pret A Manger but they have nuts. I'm allergic to nuts so unfortunately I don't get to eat the crayfish salad. But that's ok, I discovered the posh pickle baguette and i love it
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>>17162249
How long have you been with her?
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>>17162234
Holy mother of GOD I am high as a hurricane, but I'll try to get some truth out to you, young lady. The thing you hafta do is, first and foremost, is suck his fucking COCK!!! Suck his cock! Change your last name to Hiscock and your first name to SUGGIN. Then get into that knobber jobber! Skiddly Diddy Doo!
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>>17162297
Prêt À Manger is fucking good man I like to put mayonnaise on my balls.
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>>17162311
i'd rather a nice chutney but for the most part i second your sentiment
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>>17162301
A year
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>>17162302

I don't know what the fuck you're even saying^^ Guess I'd have to be high myself to understand that.. and I really want to be high right now^^
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>>No.17162291

Yeah.. and I don't know if I am asexual.. Bunch of people told me I am probably not and just not ready... It could be possible that my insecurity kills desire for me, in that case I'd guess we're not lost... and the advice of most people is really not what I want to hear... I hope there is a future, contradictory to what people tell me here as much as I appreciate help
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>>17162234
>it could also be my overall body-problems, I'm extremely insecure with my body
> especially my vagina
Didn't even need to read past this frankly, 95% likelihood that this is the problem.
Fix it and that'll probably fix the sexual difficulties as well.
>I could be an asexual,
Based on what you've said, I'd give it a 0.01% chance. Basically, forget it for now. You have more likely issues to work on.

>But I don't really understand, because I feel like we are a perfect match... We have lots fun when we are together, but then we start breaking into a fight over text, when he mentions he needs sex and that he feels hurt by me, because I don't desire him.
His emotional response here is fairly normal. He figured you'd warm up and open up to him after 5 months enough to allow intimacy. This may have been a miscalculation or overly optimistic on his part, since i don't know how severe your issues really are. Go to a professional and have them help you with this.

>cutting, what I stopped doing for several months now and I really, really don't want to start again
Explain further. I'd wager the issues causing the self-harm urges also cause the sexual dysfunction (this is very common).

>is it really that hard for guys to obtain from sex (vaginal) for half a year?
Sort of: it's very hard when they think they're in a normal, loving relationship.
For almost all guys, and the vast majority of girls, sex is a routine part of such a relationship. Most people (mostly correctly) assume that something is wrong in a sexless relationship, and feel uncomfortable.

>I think it's really not fair..
Let me be harsh for a second: it's not fair to him to have to put up with your emotional issues. Whether it's anxiety or trauma, you need to work it out.
Did he sign up for a relationship with a girl who has serious problems that she seems to be avoiding and/or denying completely?
Or with a girl who can take charge of her own life, mind, and feelings, and do something about it?
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>>17162406
She said she doesn't get turned on at all, by anyone. How would insecurity explain that?
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>>17162414
Defense mechanisms work to counteract emotions that cause pain.
There are multiple ways this can happen but in most girls we're talking either the range of anxious responses or the disassociative responses to major trauma.

When people say "asexual" they usually mean either the social identity or the symptom. In this case we're not on tumblr so i presume we're not going to talk about whether OP identifies deeply with the ace community and their struggles and wants to support their movement for social justice or whatever.

The social identity movement is ideally based on "primary, idiopathic asexuality", ie asexuality that isn't a symptom of anything else and has no known cause.
Like anything with "primary idiopathic" in front of it, we shouldn't and hopefully won't consider it until eliminating all possible causes.

In this case, that means the body image issues and whatever causes the self-harm urges.
We can't move down the list until those are completely taken care of.
Take phobia of clowns, for example. If someone was raped by a clown and traumatized by the experience, we would be idiotic to say "maybe they're afraid of clowns for no apparent reason at all".
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Are you on birth control? If so, talk to your doctor. A lot of people don't realize this, but birth control can absolutely destroy your sex drive.

My girlfriend never spoke to me about it until I had pretty much backed her into a corner, but I've got her taking another form now and she's right back in full swing. Mood has improved, sex drive has improved, doesn't feel as run down.


Seems dumb, but it's something you take every day over an extremely long period of time.

Think your way out of your situation. You're a human being, you're not as dumb as society tells you that you are.
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>>17162471
This is correct. People usually suppress their feelings to avoid pain and rejection (in future).
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>>17162234

I'm currently dating a girl I just found out is asexual. It's terrible from my end. I really care about her, but I feel awful about myself because I don't feel desired at all, and I have no outlet for my sexual desire and I don't really see what makes it different from a good friendship except that it's preventing me from finding happiness elsewhere.

I think I'm going to have to break it off soon. You're just not compatible, OP.
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>>17162249
There's no greater feeling than being with some one who "gets" you sexually. Don't walk away- RUN!
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>>17162234
It's not going to work, and he's probably already getting his fill from side action. You're fucked.
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When it comes to sex in a relationship, it's hard to explain. A lot of women assume it's just about the pee-pee touch, when that's really not the case. For me, sex is a chance to be as close to my partner as physically possible. It's an opportunity for me to see them in their entirety and unrestricted. It's an opportunity for me to embrace them and bring them pleasure, to kiss every inch of their body and share a moment together as we look each other in the eye. It's a way for me to express all those feelings that I have such a hard time expressing in words in a physical and raw format.

So if you ask me if sex is important in a relationship, I would say yes.

Physical attraction exists on such a basal level that it's really difficult for healthy and normal individuals to go without it. You feel unwanted, your relationship feels more like that of best-friends rather than lovers... It's difficult.

Just talk to each other and try to work through it. It's just as important for you to regain your sex drive, as it is to be able to physically express yourselves to one another.
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>>17162499
Then how do you explain arranged marriages working so well? This whole bullshit about caring about physical attraction and sex in a relationship is responsible for the hook up culture. Sex is about having children.
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>>17162485
Yeah, many drugs can destroy sex drive. Birth control and antidepressants are notorious for this since they're so widely-prescribed.

>>17162489
Don't break it off yet, she may be in the same situation as OP (jumping to the conclusion of idiopathic primary asexuality when it may be caused by medications, disorders, trauma, etc).

>>17162524
Arranged marriages work well because expectations and reality match: people expect little love and affection, and get exactly that, so they're satisfied with it.
OP and her BF seem to want a lot more than that.
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>>17162540
>Don't break it off yet, she may be in the same situation as OP (jumping to the conclusion of idiopathic primary asexuality when it may be caused by medications, disorders, trauma, etc).

She has trauma but she's convinced she's asexual and she's stopped trying to work through it.

I certainly don't want her to feel like she needs to do something that's uncomfortable for her but it's been almost a year and I can't take it much longer
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I would suggest a break up. You need to work out your own issues. Everyone has baggage but that said, everyone needs to learn to carry their own themselves first.

Also, If indeed it turns out you are asexual (im gonna guess thats not the case and the body issues are the problem) get with an asexual guy. Its not fair to a sexualy healthy guy to not get any sex at all.

If your still hellbent on staying with this guy, look up 'Maintanance Sex'. INB4 Feminist rage. IDGAF
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Y'all niggaz toasting in a troll bread. OP ain't even here anymore
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>>17162406
>>it could also be my overall body-problems, I'm extremely insecure with my body
>> especially my vagina
>Didn't even need to read past this frankly, 95% likelihood that this is the problem.
>Fix it and that'll probably fix the sexual difficulties as well.

This. The rest is right too.

So OP, what's the hang up about your vagina? This is something you've got to overcome and you might as well start by telling why you're insecure with your body and especially your vagina - because guys don't care so much about the body if they have access to the vagina.
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>>17162406
>>17162471
Best advice ITT.
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This is definitely not a troll.. Simply didn't answer, because it's 3 am here and well.. Humans need sleep and that stuff.. I think it's very much possible that I am not asexual and it is caused by some kind of trauma I have... I was in therapy for several things (generalized anxiety, social anxiety, depression) I thought depression could be the cause before, but I am not noticing much of my depression otherwise... I am
Not taking the pill... And the problem
That I have with my vagina is, that I find it utterly ugly^^ almost disgusting.. And I can't seem to get rid of the belief that anyone else would be able to like it. One of the two labia minora is extremely long and looks like a piece of flesh hanging out.. I really think that he doesn't mind but I still don't want him to see it or look at it with light or touch it in any kind.. I was looking into labiaplastics aswell.. I wish I would know, if this is the main problem where the not existent desire comes from or not.. I am someone who likes to work on themselves.. So It's not like I want to put all my emotional struggles on him without any care from my side
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>>17162593
This desu.
Op needs to work out why she's so fucking scared and let go of it.
Bodies are gross who cares, he doesn't care, she's the only one who cares and it's ridiculous.
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>>17162607
As a guy, I can say without hesitation that what a vagina looks like is one of the least important superficialities for us. No vagina is "attractive" in my opinion, what is attractive about a woman is her body shape, butt, boobs, face, etc. that vagina is just a hole where the dick goes in.

Obviously this guy finds you attractive if he is this committed to your relationship, so you need to trust him when he tells you that, through either actions or words.
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>>17162234

>cutting, what I stopped doing for several months now and I really, really don't want to start again
Explain further. I'd wager the issues causing the self-harm urges also cause the sexual dysfunction (this is very common).


I started cutting as a way of punishing myself, as well as getting rid of emotional pain I didn't know how to channel otherwise. I thought I wasn't got enough, blamed myself for being bad and unsuccessful in social situations, what frustrated me a lot. I also noticed I was cutting frequently, when my boyfriend (the one I have now) didn't get back to me, when I texted. That resulted in me, thinking I did everything wrong and I screwed up our relationship and was unworthy. I know... that is pretty desperate and sounds crazy, I am aware of that .. But that's why I cut. Of course I never told him I cut because he took long to reply, when he wasn't having as strong feeling for me yet, where I was really taken in by him.. Because that would have disturbed him, I think.
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>>17162291
Just a curious anon here, would you mind to post this reddit link? Thank you
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>>17162496

nah^^ he is not the type for that, as much as I can tell.... He is a pretty genuine guy
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You think you could be a sexual what?
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Jesus Christ how many sexual preferences are angsy teenagers going to make before they realise they aren't the special snowflake they think they are? You aren't "ASEXUAL" or whatever that made up shit is. You're obviously going through a phase, and if that phase continues over a long time then there's clearly something wrong with you and you should seek professional help.
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>>17162302
Im higher than a 109 and im gonna bnz your faggot ass

Hes sayin let him throat fugg u
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>>17162568
>everyone needs to learn to carry their own themselves first.
Not necessarily, people can learn while in relationships as well.
After all, most people learn their first good coping skills while still dependent on their families.

>>17162607
> I think it's very much possible that I am not asexual and it is caused by some kind of trauma I have...
Remember that we can use this word as an identity or as a symptom (>>17162471).
In the medical sense, right now you are asexual (ie you have no significant sex drive), but you might not be tomorrow.
When people on tumblr say "asexual" or "ace" they mean a social identity and community of people that embrace and celebrate asexuality.

>I was in therapy for several things (generalized anxiety, social anxiety, depression)
Still getting it?
>I find it utterly ugly^^ almost disgusting.. can't seem to get rid of the belief that anyone else would be able to like it.
This is what the therapy is for. It'll help.
>One of the two labia minora is extremely long and looks like a piece of flesh hanging out..
It's normal. Look at his balls next time: one probably hangs lower than the other (usually left).
>I still don't want him to see it or look at it with light or touch it in any kind..
More things that therapy will help with. Make sure to actually tell the therapist though: if you don't have a good rapport or don't feel comfortable, switch until you do. It's the most important factor that determines whether the therapy will succeed or fail.
>I wish I would know, if this is the main problem where the not existent desire comes from or not..
Almost certainly. I'd say 95%. This is one of the most common causes of low sex drive/asexuality among women of all ages, and especially from puberty to age 30. It's all over this board on a daily basis.
Anxious issues destroy sex drive and lead to asexuality the same way they destroy social drive leading to asociality. You know what pic related feels like, right? Well, same with sex.
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>>17162234
>I feel like we are a perfect match
Clearly you are sexually incompatible, so not "perfect."

But yeah, as others have said, it seems to be stemming from your issues of
>my overall body-problems
>cutting

This shit right here points to some deeper issues. Until you work through them, you're not gonna be able to fix anything.
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>>17162811
God I hate that comic. That guys advice is literally how you stop being LOLZ Socially Anxious (TM_1997)

It's called social "skills" because part of it is a learned skill.
>>
>>17162641
Just the asexuality reddit anon. Lots of people go there and end up talking about being in relationships with asexuals, or vice versa

https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality
>>
>>17162769
They're not trying to be special snowflakes. They're actually doing the exact opposite: trying to normalize and generalize their issues. They're looking for community, they want to think that there's many people out there just like them and that they aren't weirdos or freaks or that there's anything wrong with them (even if there is). They want to be normal, really: failing that, they want to be abnormal in a normal way. And thus an identity is born

>>17162844
The problem is that people equate "lack of social skills" or "shyness" with "social anxiety": the first 2 are normal and can learn social skills normally, but pathological anxiety massively interferes with the learning process. While in PANIC MODE, the brain is total shit at learning anything other than rapid negative associations (ie threat recognition) and flash-writing painful memories.
So their skill gains are counteracted by the positive eedback cycle of
>examine the situation > realize it looks like a previous negative situation > panic > remember similar negative situations > panic more > write this as a negative situation to avoid > examine the situation again > etc

That's why beta blockers help PTSD when given right before exposing the patient to something that reminds them of the initial traumatic situation: they cut down on NE-mediated panic transmission, breaking up and slowing down that cycle.
Of course, in HS/college girls with SA like OP (i think?) the cognitive anxiety cascade is the big problem instead, and that's broken via CBT rather than medications.

On top of that, panic hijacks half the brain's "bandwidth", making cognition, learning, language processing, etc suddenly 10x as difficult since they all have to fit into what's left and still be responsive (the brain prioritizes painful memories of danger over other kinds of memories).
>>
Literally just saw a video on this
https://youtu.be/tSs2dXDf1Zs

Sex is an important part of ant functional and healthy relationship. It isn't shallow to leave due to lack of sex. There are a lot of deeper more complicated psychological traumas that come from neglect of sex in a relationship. If you are asexual, then you'll have to come to accept this as part of your life. Your partner will almost always have sexual needs that you may not be able to fulfill. Consider open relationships where your partner is free to have sex with other women, but stay loyal to you. It's unhealthy for anyone with a sex drive to be trapped in a sexless relationship.
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Fake asexuals like OP make life harder for real asexuals to identity with their sexuality and have it taken seriously. Fuck you OP you roastie and your cuck bf.
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>>17162641
Also deadbedrooms. More geared towards OP's problem, particularly from the POV of her bf
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>>17162524
Fuck no
Having sex sith the person you really love is amazing and fun
Hookups and casusl sex is half a step from masturbation

OP
Talk to him about it and if you want to stay with him you have to have sex with him

As a guy who was there its hell, i have a really high sex drive and the girl had none
Kissing was as far as she would go and even that was rare
I could love a girl with all my heart but no sex is a deal breaker to me, I'd rsther be friends with her if thats the case
>>
One of the primary things that separates a romantic relationships from friendship is sexual attraction and interaction.
Without that, it could really feel like you're just friends and not more.
It sucks, but I can't see how a relationship like yours could possibly last long term.
>>
>>17162234
You can't have a relationship without intimacy.
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>>17162485
Opie I'm a girl and interested. Please tell me what birth control she uses. I'd be devastated if my sex drive disappeared because of birth control
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>>17162234
>Ryan Gosling

You're not like 12 years old, are you? You shouldn't be worried about these things
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>>17163763

I'm 18 ^^
>>
Not reading your wall of text, just read your title.

Asexuality is a fucking meme, fuck off with that nonsense. Probably 0.0001% of the population are ACTUALLY asexual, the rest are just twats trying to get attention by partaking in the oppressed olympics, LGBTQLMNAO+, etc.

You need to explain why you aren't ever in the mood for sex. Do you not enjoy it? Do you just not enjoy it with your partner, is he particularly bad at it? Is there anything, fetish-related, that would turn you on that you could try together?

Are you just tired and too lazy to do it? Does this affect anything else in your life? This could be a medical condition. You could be anaemic, diabetic, have clinical depression, chronic dehydration, some kind of stomach/intestinal cancer, etc., etc.

I had a combination of the above, never affected my sex drive (probably because I was never having sex, still rubbed one out plenty of times), but it did give me pretty horrendous lethargy and what not.
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>>17165132
Also forgot to mention it could be any number of hormonal or women-related medical issues that I just don't know about being a guy, definitely see your doctor/GP and mention it. I can almost guarantee you you're not asexual, and this is why the whole LGBT, etc. movement pisses me off, people have legitimate health/mental issues but assume it's just their sexuality and so they don't go to the doctor to have it checked out.

And this is coming from a gay guy. Get yourself sorted because depending on what your answers are to these questions, it could be something quite serious (general lethargy could due to anything from depression, to dietary, to intestinal cancer)
Thread posts: 57
Thread images: 5


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