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Hi guys I'm 22. I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years,

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Hi guys
I'm 22. I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years, she's my highschool sweetheart.
I "won her" while she had a boyfriend in highschool, by being a persistent, loving and manly motherfucker.
When I got her, she was leaving her boyfriend. And thus started our relationship with a really good frame, which is that she viewed me as this awesome guy, which deep down I know I am.
Over the years, I started Oneitising her. The worst part of it is that she set the frame of our relationship from the start. She didn't want us to be "together", and I accepted to be in a kind of "open relationship", because we wouldn't want to lose each other over relationship issues. Buddhism, non-attachment and all that
But my past with girls was really fucked up. I had always been friendzoned, and oneitise'd the girls I thought I was in love with.
I've been a chode all those years, meaning, that I've been a passive motherfucker and ended up : not having sex with any other girl than her, while having good opportunities which I choded out, out of fear of being a man, out of 'respect' for her..
Our relationship was great, she accepted me wholly and literally gave me the shit in bed. But I never felt worthy, I have lacked self confidence and self esteem, and I ended up being the neediest motherfucker in bed. We then completely stopped having sex and I wouldn't want to adress the issue because of my insecurities. I felt deeply in love with her, and I made her my purpose. I didn't set the frame, didn't affirm myself and did all the things I thought she wanted me to do. I ended up being the fucking female in the relationship. She made plans to go out, I followed, to please her.
>>
Now, a few months back, she started affirming herself more and more, and I, as a good gentleman, would let her passively do whatever she wanted. I did not step up. She wanted to move in with me next year, and I was scared of that, because I never worked, am still studying in college. My purpose in life was very clear when we met, and it became foggier and foggier. I completely lost myself in a codependent and needy way of being. While she completely emancipated herself from the viewpoint of me being the man. Because I gave her all the reasons to.
Now, she has met a guy over instagram, and when this happened, I was completely traumatized and reacted by rejecting her and crying alone in my home thinking about how unfair all this situation is.
I love her and want her to grow, and she had set the frame from the beginning that we were not together, because I was "so valuable" that she didn't want a starting and ending relationship. I ended up being friendzoned, and we were sleeping in the same bed for months without having sex. Let me mention that before her, I only had sex with one girl, which was a friend who got into me and liked sex, that's how I lost my virginity. I didn't "take" her, she was all up on me and I didn't know how the hell to be a man. This behavior has poisoned our sex life, and my girlfriend ended up forcing herself to have sex with me, and this built up resentment in her I guess. I'm quite ashamed of myself as of now.
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And I've been rejecting her from my life, justifying this because of the fact that she didn't want me in bed, and wanted to see other guys. Which she did, at the time when I was literally waking up and going to sleep crying because of her stepping up and wearing the pants and starting to affirm herself.
I am lost now. She's disrespected me several times by calling me 'egoistical asshole' and saying she felt like the man in the relationship when I went up to see her with my sad needy feelings while she was completely void of any emotions and starting to work and getting her life together without me. I have asked her for help to cure this sadness, which actually made her resent me real hardcore and I think, I fear I have broken what made us such a great couple. Couple that I feel I never had a chance to actually cherish, because I always felt insecure. She's a wonderful, caring human being, intelligent, fun and sexy, and she said that she would actually like meeting the girls I would fuck. But I have almost no interest of fucking anyone, because I feel like the biggest chode who fucked up his relationship and sex life. I have met other girls, but I don't feel like they are worthy of my time, because I compare them to my girlfriend and they aren't as cool as she is. Altough I'd love to fuck them, but I don't feel capable of leading the interaction towards sex.. I am, today, feeling wonderfully lost. I stopped waking up crying, but I still feel a big void inside me.
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She used to love coming to my home, we spent all our time together in cherish mode, and I let myself fuck up my studies, I let myself forget about my life purpose, because the feeling of being with her was just enough. Now she said she's afraid of coming because of my behavior... I was content, and I stopped caring. I stopped leading. Not on purpose, but I really got confused, because the lack of sex in our relationship hit me hardcore, and I talked to her about it, and talked, and talked, and nothing coming off from me would reignite her desire. I literally digged my own grave and the grave of my relationship with her. I feel like a fucking moron.. I blame myself all the time, and yet take no action to change things. I used to smoke marijuana, for 6 years, and I've recently stopped because of the emotionnal turmoil it causes me now to smoke. She used to smoke with me and when she stopped, I was still hanging on to the drug and feeling wrong around her because I was insecure about her having stopped so easily and saying things like "I can't believe I smoked so long there's really no point in this fuck I lost so much time", and she is right, but man I felt so judged
Basically, I feel like an emotionnal wreck now. I feel disconnected from my core, and from her, and this is causing me great trouble to live, because I can't think of anything else. In my room, half of the shit there was put there with her by my side. She used to make me feel like the boss, and now, when I see her, I want to cry and tell her to hold me in her arms and comfort me, and to prove me that I'm still her man. And she tried, for a while. But my passive-agressive-needy-chody behavior got into her, and she changed completely her way of seeing me. I feel alone, insecure. I have stopped seeing my friends over time, I closed myself up onto myself and onto the relationship.
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She said she was feeling encaged, and that we never did things together, we would always be in cherish mode.. and after the sex stopped, we stayed in my room most of the time. I actually like her a lot even if we don't have sex, but fuck, I feel like a gay friend, and I was the fucking man at the start of the relationship and the first years. I am a wreck now. I don't feel like I can lead with her, she's become so independant of me and of our relationship that I feel like it's lost. But everyday I feel the need either to ask her to come back and cherish me, sometimes I feel angry and I feel like I should resent her for having completely disrespected my needs, but most of the time I feel like a shitty man, a shitty pussy and chode who let himself passively being by default ejected of the relationship, because I live my life in spectator mode. Before highschool, I was afraid to talk to girls, they even mocked me in school and this built up my insecurities a lot. In highschool, the two girls I was madly in love with became kind of my best friends. One of them was in love with me, and I missed the opportunity and became the neediest bitch with her, and I ended up hating her hardcore, feeling like she played with my feelings. Both of these girls fucked my best friend, which is a natural and he kind of disregarded my feelings for them, this undermined my confidence and also created a fucking heavy karma of fearing to get my girl stolen, and being unworthy of love. And this is now happening, I've successfully managed to create a self fulfilling prophecy.. my girl started seeing this instagram guy but would not sleep at his house and ask me to come over after seeing him. But I was so jealous and destroyed that I didn't even answer and told her never to talk to me about him, because I was jealous.
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I understand that my behavior is completely opposite to being alpha, and I think I really hit bottom right now, because now she has slept with him, and I can't possibly get how the fuck she would do this and not want to do it with my while assuring me that she loved me deeply. I do understand it now, evolutionary psychology, I've become the provider, but man I'm not even that anymore since I resented her for seeing him..
I'm fucking lost I don't know what to do. I have no confidence whatsoever, I want to see her and she'd like to see me but everytime I do see her, I want to cry and make her feel bad because of this situation.. She disrespected me, but I didn't set clear boundaries, nor did I step up to manlyhood everytime she gave me the opportunity to.. I'm basically a piece of shit, a chody, needy, passive boy, I don't even feel like a man, and I'm tired of this.. and really sad that she isn't here, right now, because she brought me so much happiness in my life, I felt totally accepted and yet, I did not accept of myself.. my core is insecure and after a few years it came to the surface, this relationship and this girl were really everything anyone would have wanted, but I did not treat it as such a gift, I treated it like.. meeh, whatever, and I feel ashamed.. damn, I know this text is getting nowhere and everywhere, but I fucking needed to express myself..
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TLDR :
I've become a needy victim to my (ex)girlfriend who still loves me but is totally outraged by my behavior
She really is one of a kind, meaning, I met other girls and they are so far from her, it doesn't even interest me as realationship material, and I'm an insecure chode ashamed of his sexuality
I've been resentful of her behavior, but in a chody passive agressive way, and I love her but I feel really hurt and don't know what to do
I've read tons of books and viewed tons of videos, but I'm a fucking spectator mode zombie, and can't seem to snap out of the trance
I don't know what to do, I want to see her and be the man with her but I am at the bottom of a fucking deep pit of insecurity
I feel like everything I do is a distraction from stepping up with her and be the man, reaffirming my position and securing hers
I don't want to loose her, I'm so fucking afraid of her resenting me, and yet, I've done everything in order for this to happen...
I've been a paranoid and insecure bitch through the relationship, taking her comments personnaly, not passing the shit tests..
I'm completely emasculated, lonely and sad
And by the way she never took birth control pills with me, while with her ex bf she did, and she told me she had headaches because of it which is true and I didn't want to force her, but man... 3 years of condoms with her, this is insane..
I think she viewed me as alpha at the beginning, because I was really confident at the time, but my core is beta-chode-needy-oneitis, and it is now totally what I am, feel like.. and I'm fucking tired of this.. I need to man up ffs.. this relationship was perfect but I neglected to take care of myself and grow my self confidence and relied on her giving me that feeling, now that she's gone, I feel amputated and so, so low.. Fuck I'm really ashamed of all this, how could I not man up with a girl like this..
I need your comments on this bros, be them hard or gentle, help me man up
>>
A chode is a beta male
Oneitis is the 'disease' of putting a girl on a pedestal
I feel like the biggest failure and I regret the past instead of focusing on the present and building up the future
I know I can get through this but ffs I am lost
>>
Are you shitting me? Even your tl;dr is tl;dr. Get your shit together, anon.
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>>17161469
You're right
But my shit is fucking all over the place
>>
Read about half, you shouldn't have accepted an open relationship if you didn't want one. You weren't "friendzoned." You were casually hooking up or in an open relationship for awhile. You got too invested in something that sounds like it wasnt ever defined as dating or exclusive.

It sucks, it'll feel bad for awhile, but you need to move on. Staying will make things worse.
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Wait, you weren't manly at all. You were a beta from the start, she didn't even give you exclusivity, you were just the rebound guy when she was tired of the old one. Your entire perception of yourself was laughably wrong, and now you're getting the same treatment the last beta got. Justice has never been more sweet
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>>17161490
Thanks
Though I'd like to 'stay', that's the point, I want to overcome this shit in order to be able to enjoy the relationship we still have without undermining it by being so needy.. guess I have to get my shit together, but that feels hardcore atm since I still feel the need for her to reassure me of my value.. which is fucked up
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>>17161493
Well fuck you and thank you a lot for your honesty, this made me laugh x). I sure do like living in them illusory realities..
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Holy shit it just keeps going.
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Hi anon,
read all of it, and I feel ya. I'm 23, been in a very happy relationship for 4 years, loved the girl to bits but all of a sudden she gives me the "it's not you, it's me" BS. I do a little digging and find there's another guy she's seeing.
You need to move forward, you need to forget about this girl. It may be unimaginable to you now but you have to force yourself. Move to a different state or country for starters. We're both lucky in the sense that we're still quite young. If you keep going like this for another couple of years you will literally be throwing your life away, it's just not worth it. Better to rip through the pain hard and quickly rather than slowly.
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>willingly being this much of a cuck
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>>17161535
Thanks for reading and replying man
Props to cutting it off with her !
Though the place i'm coming from is different : I want her as a friend, I can't be upset about this situation because >>17161556 I let myself get down on this path.
I guess I need to loose the beta male frame once and for all.. but that cannot happen by not seeing her, she's been devotious and honest to me, and wants me to grow as a man
Though that ain't really willingly in my opinion, it's by default that I let myself down being so content in the relationship for years
Fuck this shit I will get on living even though i'm butthurt
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>>17161437
I'm not reading this massive wall of text, a quick scan gave me all I need to know.

First: Someone who will cheat on their significant other with you will cheat on you.

Second: Someone who doesn't want an exclusive relationship is not worth obsessing about

Third: You cannot change people. People do not change. Stop trying.

Fourth: Your relationship is/was plainly dysfunctional and abusive.

Get therapy.
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>>17161502
It's still an open relationship, right? (Didn't read, lol) How about you just fuck other girls and see if you still feel like you need her approval.
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>>17161693
>I want her as a friend
You two are the worst kind of co-dependent. Break off all communication.
>she's been devoted and honest
Fucking bullshit. You come off as a battered spouse.
>>
>>17161502
She's not going to reassure you of your value. From what you said, she's probably incapable of doing so. Both her distance and your neediness are going to keep that from happening.

Also, listen to this. It talks about being needy/wanting reassurance. Including that it's a normal thing in relationships, and your partner should be trying at least a bit to help you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZQFuf4tgUQ

You've reached the point where even if she reassures you, you're not really going to accept it as true. It might have been a good relationship once. It isn't now. But I have a hard time seeing what you think was good about it. You don't seem to want an open relationship and neither of you were communicating well.

Some relationships do not work, regardless of how much effort you put in. You're still dealing with an individual who might end up not being compatible with you. I know what it's like to lose a relationship and think it was my ONE AND ONLY chance, things were fucked forever, I'd never get over it, etc. And over time, through experience, through learning simple things like "staying in contact reaaaaaally makes moving on hard"... And by having another break up, feeling just as terrible... Well, I realized I'd be okay. If you stay around her though, you're not giving yourself time or space to heal. You just keep breaking yourself back down.
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>>17161705
1. she didn't cheat on him.
2. we had an exclusive relationship for a while, and I sure as hell would have accepted an open relationship if our core was solid
3. you're right
4. Not abusive. Dysfunctional, yes, but that's why I'm posting : I was insecure and felt, inside, unworthy of this love.
Therapy's being done as of right now, by introspecting on my own bullshit, with the help of you anons, showing me how much I lie to myself.

>>17161712
Yup, you're right. I should. Though I feel kind of miserable having been such a coward and beta these lasts months, it undermined my self esteem

>>17161719
and yes, I feel like I want her, need her, or us, to be in a well balanced relationship, be it friends or not. But my codependent behavior seems to have undermined this possibility as of now.
And she has been devoted and honest. I think my insecure core has found reason to come off as a battered spouse, and play that role, which triggered behaviors in her which reinforced my not-so-hidden mindset of a victim.
In the end I think I fucking love feeling miserable and complain. I will break this cycle.
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>>17161766
Well you sure as hell understand what's happening. Thank you Anon
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>open relationship
>in the current year
erry time
>>
>getting cucked
>2016
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>>17161772
She doesn't have to hit you for it to be an abusive relationship, anon.
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>>17161868
Yeah but she didn't abuse me, I just wasn't honest with myself and with her, I didn't communicate what I wanted because I didn't know what I wanted, and put her on a pedestal, she didn't ask me to do this shit, she asked me to be authentic and honest and I haven't been
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