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Should I have contact with my Father again?

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I've had zero contact with my father for five years. He sends me email occasionally but I never respond. He was extremely controlling and he'd fly into a rage of yelling verbal abuse and throwing things at me over the smallest things like not being able to find the TV remote. He picked who my friends were, what my hobbies were, what music I liked etc.

I didn't realize normal parents aren't like that until I was a teenager. At that point I wanted to leave and cut off all contact as soon as I was 18, but I needed him to pay for my university. I feel really bad about that, it's like I was scamming him. I graduated, got a good job, and didn't have to put up with his shit anymore. I listed a dozen horrible things he'd done and asked for an apology, but he just lied and made shitty excuses. I haven't had contact with him since since.

I spent the first few years scared of him finding me. He didn't know where I lived, worked or my phone number because I'd been planning on cutting of contact with him. I'm pretty sure he never did try to track me down and harass me like I was scared of. I'm over that paranoia now and starting to get really sad about the situation, but that turns into anger right away. I think maybe I should ask for an apology again, but it's going to hurt really bad if he lies and makes excuses again. If I do get a sincere apology and accept it he could think everything is back to normal and he can keep being an asshole. I really just want a normal father-son relationship with respect and boundaries.
Sounds like your better of without...he had his chance
Did any of the emails admit his faults or show remorse?
If so could this be a trick?
Ive been without my dad for about 4 years and although i know he misses me...i know my life is simpler without him in it...its hard to not feel sad or guilty but its risk over reward...
All cliches aside, your father loves you and probably didn't know better. Get him back into your life. How is he going to harras a grown self-sufficient man anyway like you're fearing. If you cut him of you're going to regret it big fucking time, maybe not this year, maybe not until long after he's dead, but you will.
He just sends short "happy birthday", "merry christmas" emails a few times a year. In the beginning he sent emails saying how sad he was that I wouldn't contact him, but there was never any sign he feels bad about his own behavior. He was honestly surprised I was upset about how I was treated. He thinks he's the world's greatest dad.

He didn't send an email on my birthday this year. Every year I get it and get so angry at him when I read it. I should have been happy, but instead I was extremely sad.
Your father is clearly very sad, imagine he didn't send a happy birthday this year because he died, how would you feel? Sad? Full of regret? If he didn't know he was a shitty dad it's not really his fault for it, because he didn't know any better, he thought he was being a good dad(and you got into University, wich he paid for, and you have a job now, so there's at least aspects of him that were good)

He might feel sad and bad that you aren't in his life anymore, but his personality doesn't sound like it has changed. He has obviously not understoof that you need a clear admission of fault or at least the slightest apology.

Given the time you have let him simmer, he should have realised that already.


Such negative influence in your life is not needed, and while I understand the longing for making up with him and being happy family, it will never happen. He is who he is.

I smack myself in the head for not breaking contact with my alcoholic bipolar mother who does nothing but destabilize my life.
That you succeded in cutting him from your life is a good thing.

Fuck the people who talk about love and all that shit. The only kind of relationship you could have with your dad would be twisted and mangled and you will never ever be able to disconnect from your childhood unless his personality has changed 180 degrees.
Which does not sound very likely.
I feel like I got into university in spite of him, not because of him. Studying for exams isn't easy when your father will randomly burst in, call you a disgusting piece of shit and throw whatever in arm's reach at you. I did pay for some of university with scholarships and summer jobs. You can't get student loans in Canada if your parents make a lot of money, so using him to pay for the rest was my only option.
As much of a cop-out as it seems, OP, it's entirely up to where you're at in your life.

If you feel you're able to emotionally move past the shit he's put you through, and if you're confident enough in yourself that you're certain he won't start controlling you again, then do it. Things like this seem fine now, like you can ignore it forever, but he won't live forever. One day you won't ever be able to say you fixed things with your father.
It's up to what you think you can do.
But whatever you do, don't let him in too much until you're sure of how he is and if he's improved. Meet somewhere different to where you live if he doesn't know your location, in a public place like a park or something, where you can both just sit and talk.
If it's been a long time, he might have been thinking long enough to know what he wants to say. It's just whether or not you're ready to hear it.
Not to hijack, but I'm on the same path that OPs on here. Not as much time as passed, but knowing my father hasn't spoken to his in 16 years now I wouldn't be surprised to see the pattern continue.

I know this shit kills him. I know he felt entirely isolated in the world as is and losing your eldest son? One who was a shining example of like father like son? Gotta be hard.

OP, mad respect for getting the fuck up out of there and making yourself into the person you want to be. You've gotta leave negative people right where they fucking belong. but man I know the pain you are feeling. Wanting him gone entirely like all the other fucks in your life, but that would entirely rule out that fantasy of the father-son relationship that we BIOLOGICALLY CRAVE. This shit is deeeeeeep. Its primal. Its fucking raw as hell and it doesnt want to go away.

And you can't fucking tell him straight out "This is what I need" because this shit just doesn't work.

My approach: Tell him exactly what I need. What I want. Where we are lacking. It took years to find out what that is(admittedly still finding) and a couple more to work up the courage to tell him. When he acted his normal fuck I told him we will never speak until hes willing to change and left. His move.

Man, you meet a fuck ton of people in this world that you never get close enough to change and let them change you. You don't give them fucking 5 seconds of thought after they give you your sandwich. if our fathers don't want to change their shit and listen to our needs then why the fuck do they think they deserve our respect? Our attention? Our fucking anything? I know you've tried to build the relationship but shit doesn't change.
You know if you don't attempt to fix it you'll be really sad. My dad's the same way and even being around him is terrible but I know he loves me and I do cherish the rare times it's not walking around eggshells around him. You'll miss him a lot when he's gone and some people just aren't capable of ever apologizing. They think it makes them look weak
were you the type of girl to enable womanizers, or sponsor perverts? were you pro promiscuous nature?
I am curious if you were the one who ruined the relationship by being with drug addicts, lazy men, sluts or bigots?

if so. yes you should get back together with your father.
I'm not a girl (sorry for the picture). I think the worst thing I did growing up was lie that I was going swimming then spend the pool money on something else.

He was always angry at me because he'd had a stressful day at work, because his stocks lost money, because a girlfriend dumped him, or something else that had nothing to do with me. He'd bring up some minor thing I'd done years ago like losing a frisbee in the park then yell and throw things at me for an hour. That way he could pretend he wasn't taking out his anger on someone who didn't deserve it.
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