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I think I may not love my parents.

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Or maybe I only love one of them? I'm not sure.. I'm 25, I just moved back in with them for a while while I go to paramedic school. They've always financially provided for me but they are rich and I don't feel like they ever really appreciated me.

I don't really expect good advice as this is a very personal subject that I may never understand but I just need to vent really. I feel like the most important thing for me to do is just make it through this time at home with them so that they can continue under the idea that I love them, and so they can be happy.

Why do I think they don't appreciate me? Well I don't think they ever really understood how into the middle of things I have always been. When I was born, my moms dad died, whom she was overly attached to. It is very clear the she used me to stay afloat, while dealing with this grief ( that she still has not gotten over.. Twenty years later ) and dealing with my alcoholic and physically abusive dad. He gave my older brother very bad anger management issues, which he took out on me. As my brother grew up, he developed some bad drug addictions and almost died many times.. Threatening to commit suicide, not remembering anything, it was bad. I was retaining normalcy throughout this time, to make sure I didn't make bad things worse.. While in secret I too had an even worse drug addiction. In the end, I convinced my parents to pay for his schooling and now his life is on track. Because of me. There are so many cases like this, where I have held the family together, this family of liars and abusers. Now, though my dad no longer physically abuses anyone, he has turned both him and my mom into mean alcoholics, who are depressed and forget everything.

I try to keep the sadness from my little brother, who is an angel.. And who doesn't know the insane amount of stuff this family has been through since having kids.

More vent incoming
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Yeah they're letting me live here while I go to school, that's nice of them. And I do a bunch of chores and try to show I care - which I do - but when it comes to interaction.. There is always a wall, that I am afraid to take down.. I never expected to be friends with my parents, but at the least I would like to enjoy some time with them. But the only way I know how to interact with them, is in the "is everything okay" mode.. And it's always been that way.

Don't I at least deserve to not be ostracized for not believing in God? It's a small issue, but when I was 12 and told my mother this, it has been an issue ever since. She has never forgiven me.. And when I told her I liked Obama in 2007.. Another small issue, for a family, but no forgiveness there.. Whereas I forgive them for everything, though I believe I'm done with it.. And when I told them I was gay, they acted as if I had become an abomination.. I can't help who I am.. I became these things in the first decades of my life, I truly do believe I am these things. For the record I don't push my beliefs on anyone. My parents however are "evangelical" and preach to me, in slurred tones, at least once a day.

I can never reveal to them who I am.. It is too far gone.. I am not a fedora neck beard by the way. I don't care about beliefs or sounding smart or any of that but when you have gone so far from your roots as I have, and you do not feel you can now turn back, nor do those you love.. It is just a really sad thing. I am ready to move out again, so that I don't have to think about it anymore.

I guess that is the end of the vent
You didn't ask to come into this life. Fuck em

U ain't wrong.. It's how I feel. But there's a lot of unnecessary pain if they realize I feel this way. When I left at 18 I thought I was home free - I guess I have just a little more to go. Thanks for the response.
Just deal with them until you get a job and move out, that's the only way it'll get better, so keep reminding yourself not to fuck it up.
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Thanks, the phrase "don't fuck it up" really resonates with me lol. I think I can do it. Just needed to vent a little.
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