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What a mess

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It's been a long time, /adv/

The backstory: About a year ago, I started casually dating a girl. The relationship evolved, we moved in, etc. Now she's pregnant. I'm 23 years old and she's 19.

Now. I recently came into about $20,000 in inheritance. I've not yet shared this with her because, despite our time together and the fact that I do care for her, I really don't want to spend the rest of my life with her.

We're having a kid now though. And despite how much I'd like to start a new life, now I can't. All of me is saying to stay in it, share the money, and give the kid the best two-parent life I can. I/We might not always be happy but it's probably for the best.

I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for. Advice/commentary/anything. I just need some sort of feedback on what others think of this.
>>
I wouldn't parent the kid. I would do ANYTHING to get out of it.

How far along is she? Can you talk her out of it?

What would happen if you were honest with her about how you feel?
>>
Once you have a child, you're pretty much fucked. You only have the choice if you ruin your own life by staying with her, or ruining hers and the child's by breaking up.
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>>16948595
>>16948595
She's about two months in though she's adamant about keeping it whether I'm there or not which leaves me with two scenarios.

1. Leave and be a deadbeat dad. (Technically I'll be paying child support but in the child's eyes, they won't have a father)

or

2. Accept my fate. I'm a fatalist at heart and though I wish things were different, this is what I've done and this is what I'll deal with.

If I spoke honestly about all this to her, the reception wouldn't be too warm. I'm sure the outcome would be much like option #1.
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>>16948628

I'd go with 1, but then I've also had a second trimester abortion, so we know what kind of monster I am.

Is there an option of parenting the child but not staying with the girl?
>>
I think, OP, you and the other retards that influence you to start shit about
>dodging child support
>omg SHARING this 20k inheritance
>my life is OVER because of this kid
really need to shut the fuck up.

Twenty grand is nothing. Heck, Two HUNDRED grand is nothing in this day and age. $20k will what, get you a farmhouse in flyover land and end up costing more in your daily life way more in transport? It'll get you like, a mid-tier car straight out of the dealership? I have no fucking idea why you are quibbling about 20k and your mother of your child and your child. Trust me, it costs way fucking more than 20k to raise a child.

If you thought having a child will be the end of the world, the onus was on you to provide and ensure the method of contraception. Now that this baby is on the way, you need to shut the fuck up about your paltry $20k and have a serious discussion with your girlfriend on what you expect each other's life post-baby will be, whether either of you is going to go back into study, or work, how the childcare will be managed, where you want to live, whether independent of the baby you want a future together.

If you are this buttfuck sore about this twenty goddamn grand, use it as a deposit for an apartment somewhere or something jesus christ.
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>>16948637
Were you the father in that terminated pregnancy or the mother?

I'm really curious to know the thought process behind such a tough decision. You're definitely not a monster though. Definitely not.

I'd like to parent the child but I'm not certain I'd stand a chance in courts against my girlfriend. Not that I have a record or anything bad, but I'm just not sure I want to put anyone through that.
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>>16948646
$20k is nothing, you're right.

You are the voice inside my head pretty much. It's not about the money or my own selfish needs. It's about depriving everyone involved of something. My girlfriend from a real romance, the child from a completely loving father, and me from.. whatever.

So that's what scares me about it.
>>
i was in a somewhat similar situation. i'm now mother to a child with a deadbeat dad. it's not exactly easy, but our lifes aren't ruined either.
i was aware that the dad and i aren't going to last too long, especially with the added strain of having an (unplanned) child. so we split up on good terms when i was about 2 months pregnant. this way i had ample time to organize my new life as a single mom and adapt to the thought of being responsible for a tiny human all alone. i was 21 thought. i don't know if i would have been able to get trough this alone at 19.

my son is 5 now. we have very few contact with his dad. he doesn't pay childsupport, i didn't wanted that cause it was MY decision to keep the child, so i don't feel like i have the right to suck his money.
he usually sends a little gift for christmas and on my sons birthday. i send him some new pics of him every half year or so and a short update on things like he had his first day at kindergarden and so on.

she will have a HARD time dating and find a decent guy. that's hard. especially if you always dreamt of having a family and a few kids. you will have to come to terms with having an only child. this took me a long time and many tears. especially when my ilttle one asks me stuff like :"why don't WE have a dad?". or "when do WE get a baby we can keep and that belongs to us?".but my son is my priority. i have researched the topic pretty toroughly and it always never works out if you have a child and then later on more kids with a different dad. the first kid will always feel like the black sheep in the family.
i have been single since i split up with the dad. recently i started to date again, but i take things extremely slow. i'm not going to get my son attached only for us to not work out. it's rough enough to not have a dad, he doesn't need any more strain.

if you can't see this work out, leave now. it's easier to start this on a clean plate instead of getting the child attached and leave
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>>16948649

Mother. I was young. I didn't want to be pregnant or go though the whole pregnancy. I didn't want a kid. I didn't want to be tied to the guy who knocked me up, and I didn't want to be a single parent.

I was a teen. My mom offered to adopt it but I didn't want it/the father anywhere near my life. Thought about adoption, but I didn't see a reason to bring it into this world for it to be unwanted and at risk.
I also just, really, really didn't want to be pregnant.

Waited so long because I was scared shitless of my parents and didn't have money to do it on my own. Put a knitting needle into my cervix before I realized I needed to just nut up and tell my mom. So I did. Had to fly out of state to get it because it was too far a long for my state. Got it done at a ritzy clinic. Airfare, hotel, clinic fees...probably totaled around 8k USD. So the internal process can be tough but the logistics also suck. I'm a lucky rich white girl, haha.

I meant more, would she be able to handle you and her co-parenting but not being together?
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>>16948660
One thing I want to make clear is that I wouldn't leave the child. No matter what I'll be involved even if it's not what I initially wanted. I won't leave a child and I won't be a deadbeat.

>>16948661
You're fucking strong as hell. She's very controlling, so I feel like if I did leave the relationship, it'd be very difficult for her to let me find a way into the child's life which is another reason why leaving scares me.
>>
Why exactly is money part of your first post? Was that one of the important deciding factors in wanting to start a new life? You screwed up by progressing the "casual" relationship by moving in together, and then further by getting her pregnant.
Were you planning on breaking up before she was pregnant? Are you possibly just panicking because this makes things "real"?
What sort of problems do you have in your current relationship that makes her not someone you'd want to spend your life with, or do you just not want to be in a long term relationship?
>>
>>16948654
>I am depriving my girlfriend from a real romance
>I am depriving my child from a completely loving father
OK, look OP, if something in your gut was telling you that your feelings towards your girlfriend was fake or contrived in some way and you saw no future with her, why did you go so far as to move in together with her and have unprotected sex with her?

If you are having a nervous thing like "will I be a good dad" or "will I be a good partner and co-parent", even people in planned pregnancies go through this. It's perfectly normal to have cold feet.

However, if your first thought in the head is "I don't actually love this woman and I won't love this child", you need to call it off now.


>>16948660
Child support is to provide the CHILD with a good life. If you are able to afford the daily upkeep, get that fucking child support and get the kid a sport lesson or private tuition. Don't deprive your son from opportunities in his life just because of your deluded idea of martyrdom.
>>
>>16948667

>strong as hell

Thanks man. Doesn't feel that way to me now, but I know it was rough then.

>she's very controlling

That's really unfortunate. I'm sorry you're in this situation, there doesn't seem to be a "good" outcome. This is going to be incredibly hard. I think you know that.

But I also agree with >>16948646 to an extent. You two really need to have an open conversation as described. It might make your future relationship with her harder romantically or whatever, but that's a small price for living honestly and having a realistic plan.
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>>16948671
Yeah. The money kind of fell on my head and it's more than I've ever had. I know 20k is inconsequential but I had plans for it before this. Pregnancy does make things real but the relationship was realized far before this.

Both you and >>16948676 are hitting on something similar. Why or how did I even get myself in this position? The simple answer is because I'm an idiot. The long answer is that I was scared. I've not been in many relationships and never ones like this. I've slowly lost all my friends because she doesn't like them and she controls my phone and every other aspect of my life at this point.I'm only here online because I'm at work. I let all this happen too but I didn't realize it until it was too late.

It's not her fault either. It's my fault. It really truly is.
>>
>>16948687
So tell her. "You are controlling, you have made me cut out all the friends in my life, I don't think I love you enough to continue being a partner and co-parent once the baby arrives, I don't want you around anymore, I do not have you in my future plans. With that in mind, you will need to decide whether you want to keep the baby and have child support, or get an abortion, If you want an abortion, I will pay for it".
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>>16948667
>I won't leave a child and I won't be a deadbeat.
well, i know single moms with involved dads. it's always ugly. my case is pretty "accepptable" cause the dad lives on the other side of the planet. we don't fight, tere's no bad blood. i always talked positive about the dad cause i have no reason not to. i think that is EXTREMELY important. my son knows that his dad loves him and thinks about him, and that his mom and dad don't hate each other. but the part of a "real life dad" is still open i his mind. he's only his dad by name. he doesn't make a big part in his life and so it's not so painfull that he isn't around like all the other dads. i always made sure my son has loads of good men to look up to and spend quality time with (my brother, my father, my sisters husband, my granddad). i know dads that tried to get involved. then after years they got so wound up with having a new family and stuf that they started to neglect their child. THAT hurts like all hell. don't even make this a possibility anon. this would be your sacrifice. knowing that you have a child but can't be a part of his life. i know it is possible. but not with a mom that's not mature enough. and this takes A LOT of maturity.
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>>16948676
>Child support is to provide the CHILD with a good life
you're certainly right. but i work 80% and my son has all he needs. we have a tiny but cozy apartment, we have a car, we can aford some sort of vacation every year, we always have fresh and delicious food and nice clothes, he plays soccer and does jiu jitsu. i don't think he is deprived of anything. living a good life on a tight budget is almost kind of a hobby of mine. and being able to live comfortably with little money is a life lesson that never hurts.
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>>16948741
This isn't about what you think he is deprived of. Had you and this deadbeat father of your son been together, the combined income would have allowed your son private education and an actual vacation-vacation that isn't "some sort". Child support is intended to bridge that gap. If child support as you say is meant to barely clothe and feed a kid, Tom Cruise wouldn't be paying fucking 70k a month to "maintain Suri's lifestyle she is accustomed to."

At the very least, you could save/invest the child support money into the kid's college tuition fund so he doesn't start his young adulthood with a debt trap like so many of his peers would.
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>>16948752
ok then. i'm rather not living off of somebody else. my son will do just fine without these things. it would not have been much so it doesn't make a big difference.
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>>16948752

lol @ a person who thinks child support is going to make the difference in affording private education and fancy vacations.
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If you can get an abortion legally, I recommend you do that. Living your life in an unhappy marriage will make life miserable for the three of you.
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>>16948774
>>16948774
Ultimately I can't march you down to the courts and demand that your son get child support, I can only provide advice from my experience and knowledge.

You should know that the attitude you display in allowing your son's father to get away with not attending to his responsibilities to your son, and stating it forthright, also plays into a greater bullshit chasm where other people reading this thread and your responses make them think that child support is not a responsibility to the child and it is perfectly acceptable to be a deadbeat parent.

Child support isn't about whether you have a comfortable life without the father's income or whether you decide that your son is "fine" or "not". Your decision ultimately boils down to "I believe my pride has a higher dollar value than whatever money that is legally due to my son". Nobody, least of all myself, is accusing you of being a bad or negligent parent to your son. I am simply repeating that child support is a right and entitlement for your son, not you.
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>>16948794
you are right. absolutely. but that agreement ahs been made and is legally valid. so nothing i can do there anymore. and it's ok the way it is now.
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>>16948781
>>16948781
If the poster can earn enough for schooling + extracurricular activities and vacations, and is entitled to child support (i.e. the child's father earns more than the threshold *and* more than her), then yes, their combined income would have allowed them for private education and fancy vacations. I never said that the child support amount in and of itself would.
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