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Am I rude or does he need to get over himself?

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Me and my boyfriend both have serious emotional problems. Him probably more so than me due to his shitty life.
He tends to be quite sensitive, and I think that maybe he takes things too harshly. He says I'm being rude in a lot of circumstances where I feel that a normal person wouldn't have reacted as badly as he did.

>he goes afk to lie down
>he ends up being gone for 12 hours
>he comes back
>try not to spill my desperation and clinginess too much
>be a bit awkward and be like "heh i guess you were more tired than you thought you were"
>"that's what a working person does"
>he was getting a new job, told me he was getting his ID and filling out paperwork that day
>say "oh but technically you aren't working yet right? all you did today was fill out paperwork and get your ID"
>he thinks I'm being rude
>He says I'm assuming shit
>I was really just basing what I said off what he told me earlier since he didn't give me any further detail
>he's irritated
>downward spiral
>>
Sounds like you both need a degree of stability that neither of you are able to provide.
>>
Also, forgot to mention:
He's quite stubborn, and I tried telling him that he shouldn't take some things so personally.
He just said, "you're my girlfriend so I take everything extremely seriously", but it makes absolutely no sense to me.

I feel like it would be quite hard to get him to change this aspect of himself. He's been treated like shit by most people so I think he just thinks anything is way worse than it actually is. But I dunno.
>>
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>>16948495
That's because you basically reminded him that he has no job and also told him that what he accomplished today doesn't count as work and that he is a lazy piece of shiz in general. Good work op. That's the material loving relationships are built on. Keep it up. Pic related
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>>16948495
you are a bad bf.
>>
>>16948513
He doesn't have no job though, he just told me he was picking up his ID and filling out paperwork today.
Since I've done those things before, they seemed like simple tasks. That's all he told me, so I had no idea what else he did that day.
He got irritated with me before telling me I was assuming stuff and that "I didn't know what else happened during the day".

I clearly meant no harm. Probably doesn't help that this was all in a text chat.
>>
>>16948513
>>16948523
Urgh, stupid double negatives. That could be read wrong.
I mean, "He does have a job", he was just taking care of a couple of things he needed before starting it.
>>
>>16948511
>I feel like it would be quite hard to get him to change this aspect of himself.
Then why don't you meet him half way and not say things that he finds belittling?
There's changing yourself for a person (which is a bad idea that will always end in failure so if that's your plan, toss it), and then there's just having enough decency to not do specific things that quite reasonably make another person feel insecure.

You don't make holocaust jokes around a Jew. Maybe you shouldn't say thinks that activate a mistreated person's insecurities.

>>16948523
>I clearly meant no harm.
Clearly to you. Clearly it wasn't so clear to him.
Honestly, as someone with no real emotional problems, it sounds like you were being a dick.
What was the purpose in telling him that he accomplished nothing today, while also managing to disappoint you by being afk for too long? What was gained from belittling his securing of a job? He's filling out paperwork, he has a job. Obviously that means something to him if he doesn't appreciate it being diminished by someone who's supposed to support him.
>>
>>16948495
>Me and my boyfriend both have serious emotional problems
End the relationship. It's not going to work out.

You both need to fix yourselves first, then look into a relationship.
>>
>>16948557
I try my best for him. I just somehow keep finding new ways to annoy him.
The main thing here was that he thought I was assuming things. I was just repeating what he said earlier. I didn't really understand why he thought I was making assumptions when I had nothing else to base my words off.
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>>16948564
>The main thing here was that he thought I was assuming things.
But you were. You DON'T know what he did all day. And instead of just asking, you told him.
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>>16948570
I said "well then, correct me" but then he got kind of passive aggressive and said "I'm sorry I didn't know I had to tell you every detail of my day"
I WASN'T assuming things. Literally the day before, he told me exactly what I said to him. "Fill out paperwork and get ID".
He didn't tell me anything else.
>>
My real gripe here is that he directly assumed that I was taking out my frustration that he got a job before me out on him.
He also said that I never learned anything from my past mistakes, which is not true. I've been more mindful of a lot of things. He's told me before that I've been improving. So I don't know which it is.
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>>16948575

If you don't understand how your phrasing was poor, I don't know what to tell you.

>"well then, correct me"
Sounds extremely passive aggressive. Everything about this conversation sounds like you saying "Prove to me you're not useless. You can't. I'm right."
There's a reason bait threads present a premiss and say "prove me wrong".

You could have just been supportive when he brought up his achievement of a job, you could have shown interest in how he spent his day (by just asking "so what did you do today?" like a normal person, not "false, you weren't working, you only did this, prove me wrong").
Instead you just told him he was wrong to call himself a working man, and turned it into an unnecessary argument about who's correct.
>>
>>16948575
So if I say I made dinner then that's literally all I did that day? I showered...oh that means you just showered that 24 hour period and that's ALL.

Besides, some places can be infuriating with paperwork. My husband hates that sort of thing--filling out forms and photocopying shit for a file.
>>
Well ignoring all the quite-obviously-male respondents in the thread shouting you down for being a female who dared raise her voice to a male, I'm going to say this: when people say something with an ulterior motive (you were in reality expressing your desperation and clinginess) whatever they say does not come out 100% right and others naturally react to it as though the person is picking a fight.

If there is a choice between saying something and not saying something, don't say anything.

You are probably right that indeed filling out paperwork and getting ID is all he did which is exactly what he described to you. However, the overall atmosphere of the conversation really is something like this:
You: I needed you to give me attention and affection kind of right now and all the time
Him: I want someone saying something nice and supportive because I haven't done this kind of thing in a while
You: No my needs come first
Him: No my needs come first

Both of you are not what the other is looking for in a partner at this stage. I don't know if there are background circumstances that prevent either of you from backing off to provide that need to the other.

I recommend that you have a long hard think to yourself about what you are looking for in a relationship and what you yourself have to offer.
>>
>>16948591
>Both of you are not what the other is looking for in a partner at this stage.
That's a very serious statement to make. This is just one situation.
He also gets clingy towards me (which I don't mind at all, but I try to control mine) and I have been saying supportive things for the past few days. It's just that this time the conversation didn't go right.
>>
>>16948591
>Well ignoring all the quite-obviously-male respondents in the thread shouting you down for being a female who dared raise her voice to a male,

Get fucked cuck, I'm female.

Good on you for trying to devalue everyone around you then proceeding to condescend beyond anyone else to tell OP exactly what she's thinking and feeling (which of course is 'neediness for a man').

Let me know if this crap ever manages to get you laid. I'll be sure to hold my breath. I haven't seen such hard core fedoraing in a while.
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>>16948495
My 2 cents:

Browsing this threads makes it seem like he needs to get over himself.

I used to work with my friend in computer repairs where his ego was through the roof. Very broad statements on what to do, worked over the weekends because his boss never hired anyone, gigantic and frail ego, 95% of what he talked about outside of work WAS about work, and got extremely butthurt whenever I called him out on something.

Left that job due to his bullshit and I have spent less time with him because I know how he actually is now. Can't say what your relationship between you and your bf is like, but if it sound familiar to what I posted above, you need to sit him down and essentially say to him that he needs to calm the fuck down, or you just need to move on. It is absolute Hell to be around people who are miserable and dickish 24/7
>>
>>16948604
That sounds like a more extreme example.
In situations like these he doesn't really get super butthurt, he just gets annoyed.
If I try telling him not to take things so harshly, he won't listen. It's hard to be able to tell what exactly would set him off. I don't want to force myself to walk on eggshells just to keep him happy all the time. I don't want to have to think about every single thing I say in fear of pissing him off, even if it's just a little bit.
>>
>Me and my boyfriend both have serious emotional problems.
Unless that changes, your relationship probably won't last long. There needs to be at least one emotionally stable person.
>>
>>16948610
>If I try telling him not to take things so harshly, he won't listen.

And when he tries to tell you to not be so cavalier, you don't listen.

It's a give and take. It's about learning to communicate and find compromise. If either one of you is too fucked up to manage that, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship.
>>
>>16948596
It's a serious statement to make, because it sounds like both of you are not in an emotionally stable place that will allow either of you to set your own needs aside and respond to the other's. You've been deeply resentful and fighting back every response (though I'll give you that they were rude as fuck) in this thread telling you to back off him.

From your other responses, it's getting quite obvious that your boyfriend is getting ready to dump you now that he got a job and he's getting his life back on track (withholding telling you all sorts of details about what is a pretty major positive change in his life, shutting you out and shutting any further conversation down, going away without notice for a long time and getting mad for having that pointed out to him, generally responding to you with a "I'm tired of this"). It may very well be that you may need to dump him before he dumps you.

>>16948601
You think OP will get such condescending replies if he pretended he was a guy and he was talking about his girlfriend? The thread will be ALIVE with "she's gone for 12 hours? She's bought 40 dicks off ebay and sucked them all!"
Also:
>woman referring to herself as "female"
>misuse of words "cuck" "fedora" et al
what is this absurdly new level of roleplay
>>
>>16948627
>>woman referring to herself as "female"
You started it, weirdo.
>female who dared raise her voice to a male
>>
>>16948610
So after reading that, the way I see it is that he seems to be indifferent to the relationship while you actually give a fuck. Seems like you're the level headed 1. I get the feeling as other anons have said that this won't work between you 2. DESU your bf sounds like a bitch. It'll jut take some time before you are exhausted and tired of dealing with his shit. When that happens, IDK.
>>
>>16948627
>From your other responses, it's getting quite obvious that your boyfriend is getting ready to dump you now that he got a job and he's getting his life back on track
Are you fucking mental?
You are not a mind reader.

>(withholding telling you all sorts of details about what is a pretty major positive change in his life
Maybe because she responds to it with shit like exactly what she did in the OP and makes it less enjoyable to share.

Holy shit you massive asshat.

I love how you're basically saying the same shit as everyone else but turning the crazy up to 11 and acting like everyone else is being batshit.
>>
>>16948627
Nah, he's not going to dump me. Especially not over something like this.
I said "downward spiral" in the OP because I started having a panic attack, and I escalated the situation and made it worse than it needed to be.
My whole problem here is that I can't seem to go without annoying him once a week or so, and I don't want to have to force myself to completely overthink every single thing I say. It will put a lot of stress on me.

>>16948634
He's not indifferent to the relationship. He just tends to get annoyed at things a bit easier than I would at times.

>>16948641
Thank you.
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>>16948643

Have you tried having proper discussions about this, issue or are you just sort of feeling your way through it and trying to figure it out for yourself when you step on a landmine?

This is the problem with unstable people in relationships. Both of you have needs, both of you are very sensitive to each other, and it's easy to lose sight of how your actions affect him when his actions also affect you so much.

Honestly, this is the kind of shit couple's counselling is built for, if you're up for it. Having a mediator to prevent downward spirals and help translate what both of you are trying to communicate so you can figure out how to fill each others' needs without neglecting your own.
>>
>>16948632
I didn't refer to you as female, fuckwit, I am referring to the attitude of the respondents of the thread. That's on you.

>>16948641
I like how you are in fact actually saying the same condescending shit as everyone else (be nice to him until he dumps you) and OP is thanking you for it because it's easier to accuse someone else of being mental. Either give advice to OP or step away from the keyboard. OP's problem is not for you to have a keyboard battle on, it does not prove to anyone that you have a vagina.

>>16948643
>I started having a panic attack
>I can't seem to go without annoying him once a week or so
Flip it around and look at it from your boyfriend's perspective. His girlfriend pisses him off at least on a weekly basis, while he feels he cannot even get his emotional needs met or else you'll have a panic attack.

I think what pisses him off is your entire existence. Not something you particularly said or did, just you. When someone doesn't like you, they can't even stand the thought of something as innocuous as you breathing. You will never do anything right.

You can put this to the test by simply not responding to anything he says next time except for an "uh huh" "hmm ok" "I see", and watching him get just as mad.
>>
>>16948663
Except I do fulfill his emotional needs quite frequently.
I don't know where you're trying to go with this.
It's more like
>girlfriend says something that comes off as kind of rude and slightly annoys him once a week
>upon notifying her, she gets upset and depending on the situation either isn't quite sure what she did wrong, or apologizes profusely. Or both.
>>
You both sound young and you both sound like you need to get your individual shits together.

You seem to be aware that you both have emotional issues, so looking for a fix for this or that incident is not going to help you. Even if you did, ot would be short term as I'm certain these problems would resurface.

You either need to go to some form or counselling or therapy together to deal with and face your emotional issues. Don't trim the weed, get that shit out by the root.
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>>16948668
There a saying that goes something like this: "You can do ten things right but you do one thing wrong..." I am sure you can fill in the rest.

The entire thread, you've actually outlined a very serious problem that's driven both you and your boyfriend to a breaking point, and as soon as someone else suggests this might be a fundamental problem, you've switched gears into denial mode with actually this is not that big a problem and no way my boyfriend is going to dump me.

He will. People have ended relationships for far less than this. You for whatever reason feel that maintaining this toxic relationship is more beneficial than essentially "quitting before you get fired". Just know that if you put up this act of denial to your boyfriend all the time and make it a "I cannot believe you even think of dumping me for this insignificant problem" and he becomes increasingly desperate to end the relationship, he will in turn create bigger and bigger problems to end the relationship on a really toxic note because he doesn't sound like Captain Maturity to me either.
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>>16948696
Except he's always telling me that he has faith in me and won't leave, and that these things can be worked on.

Nice assumptions, please try harder to read my boyfriend's mind.
>>
>>16948702
Stop being rude and juvenile. "Men never flew until they did." Of course he has faith in you and of course he believes these things can be worked on, that's why he didn't leave you to date. That has nothing on his future decisions, though you sound exactly like the kind of person who will hold it over his head.

You know how everyone else in the thread keeps mentioning
>you both sound really young
before going in with their opinion and how you've never actually rebutted it? Let me put it one step further and say this: if both of you are as young as everyone else in the thread assumes you two to be, and therefore your relationship is not one serious enough to reconsider above all other negatives, then it is really weird and immature of your boyfriend to be saying stuff like he has faith in you and these things can be worked on when there is no reason to put that faith in or work on anything, both of you are just as free to seek others who suit your individual situations better.
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>>16948744
Early 20s. Relationship is fairly new to boot as well. We're still learning how to deal with each other. I'm just having difficulty not irritating him from time to time.
It was way worse than this when we first started though. We have the occasional bad fight but it's nowhere near as frequent as it was when we were just getting to know each other at the start.

He says his patience can last for several years, so I'd like to think I can trust him instead of completely not believing him.
>>
>>16948495
>>"that's what a working person does"
means «shut up, I was tired», it is not something you should argue with. I would get annoyed at you as well. You could have asked him how the paperwork went, but instead you chose to try to put him down. You are a horrible girlfriend.
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>>16948776
Rage-filled answer. You sound like someone who would overreact like crazy.
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>>16948591
Fuck you sexist pig.
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>>16948778
Did you get a little butthurt from me telling the truth?
You read like someone that reads too much into things. ;^)
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>>16948784
Other people are in this thread, are you considering the fact that someone who replies to you could possibly not be OP?
Thread posts: 40
Thread images: 2


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