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Mind is collapsing in on itself, not sure what to do

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I wrote a long rambly post, but I'll try to be a succinct as possible.

I've been unable to think or find the energy to do basic tasks, study for university when I was in it, work, maintain basic interpersonal relationships with anyone. In uni I would blank out during lectures, I wouldnt study at all, and I'd immediately go home and lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.

I dropped out. I got freelance jobs relating to my field, and I even talked myself into a silicon valley start up at one point (technically) while the founder was looking for VC funding. I never could work consistently and I was fired or stopped responding at the jobs I acquired after a few weeks. They were a mix of freelance gigs and actual jobs. I eventually just stopped working and showing up to do the work. While working I would always blank out and simple tasks would take days.

I became a janitor, and I was almost fired many times for poor performance. I would sleep between 12-14 hours a day, its hard to define what sleep means here because I would spend a lot of time in a kind of half awake daze. I either sleep or am in bed too much or I need to smoke a lot of weed to relax and get away from myself and sleep. Even working as a janitor my co-workers can tell something is off. I know I scare people. My eyes are locked in this kind of very intense stare (think Rasputin or the thousand yard look).
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I went to a doctor to get drugs after all this, and I have a number of drugs that I now take to give me physical and mental energy, and they make a difference, but I'm not sure if its enough.

I have lows which I cant describe. I talk to myself frequently when I'm at home. I spend a lot of my day blanked out and in my head even with the drugs. I experience these kinds of lows which happen for days at a time, I can't describe them.

They're far worse than just feeling bad or depressed. I can't describe it, but I'm bedridden a lot of the time. I'm totally gone, and it's getting worse.

I have no real desires anymore. I'd like to be left alone. I don't have any aspirations or hopes. I have nothing I'd really like to achieve. I don't want friends or a relationship. If I was in a prison, I'd be okay in solitary with a book and a cot. I'd alternate between reading to break the monotony and reading. I tried going to therapy years ago, nothing came of it, and I realized my situation is essentially unfixable. I tried medication after refusing, and it makes me barely functional enough to get out of bed, but the situation is more or less unchanged.

I think eventually I'll have to go. I've seen people like me who've gone into their fourties, and it's not pretty.
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Diagnosis : Depression
Apologies for the odd structure of my posts, but I wanted to explain everything in as few words as possible so as to allow for the greatest number of people to give me feedback while understanding the situation.
I'm already on anti-depressants. I know the various labels for what's wrong with me, and I've discussed them with doctors, but I dont know what to do.

I am completely unable to do basic things anymore.
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Meds don't work
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Jesus OP I've been doing this too lately. I try to look back over the last year and I can't remember anything. Seems like most of the day is spent semi-unconscious. When did you start feeling like this? Was it always?
It's been going on ever since I was a teenager. I was voted most likely to drop out because I spent all my time sleeping in classes. I did drop out. I'm in my 20s now and I've just tried medication but I can see where things are headed.
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Possible solutions:

Exercise in the mornings.
Get plenty of sunlight.
Find someone who needs more help than you and help them.
Quit smoking weed.
I'm trying to go outside everyday, and there's a cute gay guy who is more troubled than I am who likes me, and who I provide support to, but I try to put a barrier on our relationship to keep it from being romantic.
OP, it sounds to be as though you're in a vicious circle: you hate your job, so lose respect for doing what you do, and therefore do it badly and can never get a foot on the ladder.

Look into jobs that you can respect and take pride in. There's a huge market for skilled trades these days, so if you get basic ability in a field such as carpentry, you'll have more job security and a higher income than most college grads.
Thread posts: 13
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