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I've been pretty fucking depressed for the past two years, to the point where it is having a negative effect on my schoolwork. At times I have been in a complete fog and felt completely disconnected from my body and had urges to hurt myself (that I have not yet given in to). At times, when I am disconnected like this, I will not recognize my surroundings (feel lost on a familiar street) or feel overwhelmed by delusional urges (one time I was almost convinced that if I threw myself in front of a car I'd wake up in another world). On occasion I will feel extremely dark and feel like I'm having trouble breathing. I've tried to willpower my way through this, but it's been too long and I'm tired of the failure.

Here's the thing, though. I don't want to talk to anyone about this. I don't want to talk to a stranger about what I consider intimately personal information and I highly doubt it would make me feel better anyway.

What I want is medication. I want to try different chemicals to see what works for me. I want to know how to get prescriptions with a minimum of talking, or if there's any home remedies I could try for this sort of thing.
>take drugs
>feel nothing/vaguely empty numb
>float through life
>struggle with depersonalization
>if you ever stop you will be worse than when you started if you ever recover

I was on zoloft for 6 months when I was 13. Literally the weirdest/worst time of my life
one last bump I guess
Can't get the meds till you get diagnosed my guy. You've gotta bite the bullet and go through the talking phase.
I am really sorry to hear that, please find a good professional help / support group to go through this. I hope that you will be better. Please seek help as soon as possible. Talking helps in a way that you can not imagine. Try talking to your recorder and play it back, this will help you make the first step. Meds alone are not always a solution. Try joining a volunteer group, support an elder, it will help you getting out from this state. School sucks, teachers are real killers, fuck the system. It's your life, fight for it.
Just to get this out of the way, medication might not be the bright hope you're looking for: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/20/health/talk-therapy-found-to-ease-schizophrenia.html?_r=1

Yeah, that says schizophrenia. You sound depressed but you've also clearly got some delusions popping up at times (whether or not you truly believe in them). It's really up to you as to how you want to deal with this, but know that medication alone doesn't have the best track record. Antipsychotics, no matter how favourably spoken of, can make you feel like shit. I can't make you want to talk to anyone about this, but there's obviously stuff going on with you that's making you feel this way that may need to be addressed, that may not go away simply because you start medication. This is one of the reasons meds disappoint a lot - they only do one or two things inside your brain, sometimes they don't do these things all that well.

That said, it shouldn't be too hard for you to get medication by going to your doctor and basically saying what you posted. If you're in North America it's not likely they'll ask you why you're feeling the way you're feeling or want to explore that at all. Doctors aren't the most curious people. They're busy and want you out the door. You'll probably get a prescription for an antidepressant or antipsychotic. This is how it works for most people, as far as I'm aware. I did my big caution at the beginning because this doesn't actually work for most people. I hope it works for you.
(My other advice: you might be really stressed and in need of taking a massive fucking break from everything regardless of the consequences. Use the time to figure out what you actually like and want to do because what you're doing now doesn't sound like it's making you happy)
Good luck.
There's another couple of articles I thought you might find interesting. You don't always need other people to gain insight into what's going on in your own head. Just a note because I'm not trying to sell you on some anti-medicalization movement- I will take advil and the like for pain, I will take medicine for physical problems when it's pretty well established that, say, taking an anti-inflammatory reduces inflammation and relieves swelling as a result. I had symptoms similar to yours and was depressed from 12-26, with one or two 'I'm ok' stretches that maybe lasted up to a year. The first thing I went to was medication, and medication was what I put my hopes in. I finally settled on a hefty dose of paroxetine from 17-26 when I finally came off it because I realized it didn't make a difference. Not that I couldn't feel better, just that the medication made no improvement (and if it had, I wouldn't have known it because there were always the questions, 'if I weren't on this, would I still be Raskolnikov trying to catch sexual predators in the park at 5am? If I weren't on this, would I be the sexual predator in the park at 5am?' The mind's complicated, and the approach to treating it needs to be equally nuanced. My two cents.
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