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My boyfriend's female family members bully me. So, my

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My boyfriend's female family members bully me.

So, my boyfriend and I are in our mid 20s, and have dated for over 6 years.

He started bringing me to his family events about a year into the relationship. He has a giant and wealthy family that throws formal banquet events constantly for people's birthdays and celebrations and such. So going to these things are nothing new for me.

My boyfriend's cousins range from about 18 to 35. And there are like 20 of them. Mostly female.

And a lot of them have acted very rude to me. Just like they are on a plane higher than me. Or they ignore me and make a stank face if I say hi. My boyfriend's sibling says terrible, untrue things about me to them. And likes to just paint me as this poor, ugly, white girl to them.

So, in return, they all treat me horribly.

Last night, I have never felt so defeated and bullied in my entire life. We were at a banquet event. And they still like to do family all-ages games just for fun. We were doing a game like hot potato as we sat in our chairs to see who gets to take home the centerpiece from the table. His cousin sat a couple chairs away from me, so she was carelessly throwing the object at me. Then she threw a couple more objects at me. Then the objects hit my coffee. And all the hot coffee spilled all over the table and all over my lightly-colored dress.

Instead of apologizing, my boyfriend's sibling literally pointed and laughed at me. Then his cousins started laughing at me. And the laughter didn't stop. Like I knew they were just laughing at me.

My boyfriend was next to me, and he just helped me clean things up and we walked outside. I held it together for the rest of the night. I didn't seem mad. I just shrugged it off as an accident and said I was fine.


These aren't teenage girls. The girls that laughed at me are almost mid 30's.

When I got home and was alone, I cried so hard. I don't know why. I was bullied badly as a preteen/teenager by girls just like this. I guess it just brang up a lot of emotion. I even visited my mom in the morning and cried in her arms.

I have never done anything terrible to my boyfriend's family. I always try to match everything they do to me with a smile. It just feels hopeless now.

I don't know what to do because my boyfriend's older family (parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents) like me and always invite me to their parties, and they get offended if I don't.

My boyfriend's male cousins say they have learned to never bring their girlfriends to family things because they know all their female cousins gang up on them. I just don't know what I should do. My boyfriend wants me there. He's had ongoing feuds with family and he just says it'd mean a lot to him to just go and stand up to them and just persevere through it. I'm at the point where I am so frustrated and embarrassed, I can't even look anyone in the eye. What do?
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>So, my boyfriend and I are in our mid 20s

This is the main issue here. The fact that your boyfriend doesn't stand up for you is very sad.

You let them walk all over you and so does he.

The only true thing you can say about people is that they will treat you how you teach them to treat you.

The fact of the matter is when someone slights you or does something out of line you need to confront them then and there, and if your boyfriend refuses to have your back then you need to find a new boyfriend because you can't spend your life with someone that feels comfortable standing by silently while you are bullied and insulted.

Its unacceptable, and its no way to live.

Stand up for yourself. It doesn't matter if it makes a scene, it doesn't matter if you don't get invited back. Show them that you have your dignity and you refuse to be their verbal punching bag.

If your boyfriend won't support you in this then you have a really shitty boyfriend. It doesn't matter if it is his family, you deserve better.
What the actual fuck.
Are you dating a baboon?

Honestly senpai bullying dynamics are the same ages 5 to 95. Being passive actually does not work. Next time you need to stand up and either start screaming bloody murder or you need to go for the neck. It'l look better if both you and guy go for your guns at the same time.

Don't think you can do that? Stop going.
>family members bully me
You know, there are people on this planet which are terrible persons. You need to develop some mental armor when they are around.

You can minimize contact with them or you can play on their level. I bet you can make up some nasty insults to them too.

Don't let up your bf just because his family are jerks. That would be a waste. Develop some mental armor. Don't show them their words affects you, that is what they are waiting for.
One of the main pillars of relationships?
Since they assume you´re ugly white girl, I assume they are a bit racist in their own way ;) (those people tend to be self-entitled)

Your bf should stand up for you and that´s it. And making fun of you is no way for anyone to act, nor is false gossip. And if he can´t or doesn´t want to stop it, you shouldn´t be forced to attend (and actually he should not attend either - relationship requires respect for both people equally).

Talk to him, explain it to him, make him act. It´s hard to go against family that isn´t your own, but since it´s his family, he should be the one to do it. And if he doesn´t, think about what that says about his feelings and attittude towards you.

Mid 20s is still too young to be bound to someone, who doesn´t value you more than bitchy cousins ;)
>The fact that your boyfriend doesn't stand up for you is very sad.
He does all the time. They fight over it constantly and no matter how mad or upset or threatening he gets, they do not stop.

If I attempt to stand up for myself, they gang up on me even further, I knew if I were to get upset over it, they'd tone down and call me emotional and overly sensitive for getting upset over an accident.

There is no winning with these psychos.
My boyfriend and I talk about it constantly. And he knew that I was hurt and in return he was angry. If older family sees him upset over something a female did, they get mad at him.
>Since they assume you´re ugly white girl, I assume they are a bit racist in their own way
I'm a mix of European and my boyfriend's race. I assume that because of my mix, they use that as an excuse to alienate me. I've known this all too well my whole life since the race is a very prideful/kinda xenophobic one.

We've had this talk time and time again. Literally, no matter what we do, they do not stop. Getting upset with them makes it worse.
What race is your boyfriend?
Pacific Islander

Then don't go to events with them, and insist your bf doesn't either.

Men absolutely need to choose their women over family, every time.

This is stupid petty bull shit, you don't need to take that.
Oh. All i know is that every family those memebers talk shit. If your boyfriend can stick up for you right there are that moment then idk.
My boyfriend has actually started to suggest that we go to family events to just say hi and leave. Not going is not an option for him at least. Or else his mom says he is disgracing the family and stuff.

But for this one, he suggested we just eat and leave because he was already arguing with his sister and didn't want to stay. We did only stay for about 2 hours. We got kinda trapped in that game when it happened. But we left about thirty minutes after that event.

I talked to him about how awkward that felt. He just shook his head in disappointment because he actually had a heart-to-heart convo with the cousin that threw the objects at me about how the cousins treat me. And yet, she throws all that out the window when they are all together. It's like they have some kind of mob/gang mentality when they are all together.

I honestly think this is making him less interested in going to these events. In return, he gets alienated by his family though. Judging by how much their family cares about these things, I know it's a hard decision for him to not attend these things.

I honestly might just stop going. I really want to fight against it and I know my brother does too, but on top of being bullies, they are also extremely manipulative. And I don't want them to use us standing up for ourselves as more bait to hurt us with.
brother? I meant boyfriend. Whoops.

Then you should stop going. You need to have pride, and not go.

If he's going to be a pussy and not stand up for you, it will ALWAYS be like this. He's always going to get ragged by his cousins, why put up with that for fucking years?

He either needs to stand up for you, or you should consider not dating him. Let him be a pussy with some other woman.
He does try to. I'm not saying he just sits there and let's me take this heat. He has argued with them over and over again. I have even attempted being kinda snarky back. But these girls always think they are right. They gang up on, harass, cry to their parents, manipulate, hold grudges, etc. Anything they can do to not admit fault. They've done it all. To the point where my boyfriend and I have just been ignoring them and being distant because there is literally no winning.

We stand up for ourselves, they laugh and call us pathetic or over sensitive.

We finally think we catch them in something terrible, they deflect and tell family lies that we're being disrespectful, and family members give us shit for it.

They literally think they can do no wrong. My honest last resort is to just long to beat the living shit out of them. But that will do no good either.
After they spilled the drink on me, I heard my boyfriend's sister telling family members that I deserved it because I didn't say hi to anyone at the party, when I greeted almost everyone there.

These women are just literally fucked up.

He needs to get aggressive them. Tell them to fuck off and shut the fuck up, very loudly. Insult them publicly. Make them cry openly, and still don't back down. They won't do it again.

This is not something to tolerate.

You need to do that, there is no other way of dealing with these immature assholes. Bullies are weak people, easily broken.
Already have. Almost every time. To which they just laugh and continue being cunts. Then we just leave. Then they give us shit for leaving.

Only time we haven't is at events like funerals where we just ignore their behavior.

Again, you should not go to events, and he shouldn't either. Anyone that asks why he isn't going, he should tell them.

He needs to choose you over his family. Just do things with his immediate family and not cousins.

Oh, and you should videotape their shit and play it back for their parents.
Yea, I think he's starting to realize how terrible these family events end up. I don't want to give him some kind of ultimatum like family or me. But I think after last night, he's very disappointed and doesn't want to go to these things anymore either.

They don't do anything or even say anything about me if I'm not there. I'm just going to stop going. I guess I needed to hear it from someone else too. That's why I made thread.

His family... I know why they raised such shithead daughters. I'm pretty convinced they are the root cause. The cousins constantly disrespect, steal, and act like insensitive bitches to almost everyone, even in front of their parents. All of them are foreign, got rich and educated in America, and spoiled the shit out of their kids. That's why they never grew out of this bitchy attitude. That's why the parents always give into them and excuse their behavior.

A video would be pointless, as these parents see their kids through rose tinted lens. I know they like me, that's good enough for me. But they'll never realize their daughters do any wrong.
>They don't do anything or even say anything about me if I'm not there. I'm just going to stop going. I guess I needed to hear it from someone else too. That's why I made thread.

Yes, you should definitely not go.

These are his cousins, not sisters. So do family stuff with just people that are nice to you and no one else.

Just don't go to events w/anyone that is a bitch to you.

Completely unacceptable behavior, and it's good you have insight (which sounds correct) as to why they are such horrible people.

They use the word "spoiled rotten" for a reason, these people are essentially useless dead weight on society.

I would have written the same response as this person.

Your boyfriend needs to grow a pair of balls and stand up to them. You need to also stand up to them. When the coffee spilt and the first one pointed and laughed you should have immediately stood up, pointed at her and yelled "How dare you laugh? Look at this mess. Get over here and help clean it up"

If she ignores you then you call her out on it "Don't ignore me you pretenious brat"

Get mad, not sad. Everyone will notice, some may smirk but they'll also relaise you've reached your limit. Research and remember some choice insults - don't call them bitches (that's too common) but strike at the core personality problems, the things they fear people think of them, like:

"As if you'd know, you poor little princess"
"Well I'd expect to hear that from a well bred moron"

Get the idea? It's going to be hell but learn to enjoy it. The older family members will act quickly to shut down the argument if they hear it because by painting their daughters/neices in a negative light it reflects badly on them too.
If they are Indian or Chinese (or Korean etc.), it may be very hard to deal with the family (those countries are legendary for their intolerance of other "races" or people´s status).

Anyhow the problem still lies with his inability or unwillingness to man up and stand up for you. Either he changes his behavior now, or you can only await whole life of the same tyranny in front of you. As someone, who is listening to stories of parents being mean to children´s spouses my whole life (happened in my family a few gen. back too), it´s not worth it.

Even over 40 years after the bully-person´s death, the grudge and regret still stands. You don´t want to tell younger generations "I wish I had said something back then, I may have argued for a bit, but I´d have much better life"... You really don´t want to have more bad memories your youth than you absolutely have to ;)
>unwillingness to man up and stand up for you
As I've said throughout this thread, he stands up for me every time. I stand up for myself if I feel personally attacked and think that I was completely right. it always fails. They always get out of it. Through laughing, if we call them cunts, they laugh and say they know. If it gets to the point where we've even "caught them" they just ignore us. They are literally the most shitty, manipulative babies I have ever met. They are practically inhuman.

You don't understand how frustrating this is. As it has been going on for years and there is just no winning. It's not even how hard we fight anymore. My boyfriend has yelled, called them out, told his parents, told their parents, attempted to embarrass them in return, told them to shut up, called them cunts, etc. Nothing stops them. Nothin. They continue whether we fight or not. We've stopped wasting our breath. Since it has been five years since I met them, and nothing has worked.

I'm not even the first person they have done this to. They've done it to all my boyfriend's exs. They've done it to all their male cousins' girlfriends, not just me. They're literally a hurricane of bitches when they are all together. And if they're apart, they're calling each other, texting each other, spreading rumors to each other, shitting on people with each other. They are just terrible people.
Well if you tried everything else, just cut the ties with them as much as you can. I know I wouldn´t be able to handle to go to such place myself, boyfriend or not. I really admire your strenght in this, but seriously, don´t let it ruin you.

As I said, regrets and bad memories stay way longer than the good ones and if they are the same age range as you, you can only await the same treatment for the future.

If nothing else works, then there are only a few possibilities:

1. You are willing to suffer (yes, literally suffer) through this for years and years to come
2. You don´t to go to any meetings where they are
3. Your BF refuses to go there too (if they don´t fix their act)
4. You act more like they do and sink/raise to their level
5. You befriend some of them (might be impossible, but worth mentioning)
6. You play dirty gossip girl or pretty little liars style (find something dirty on them and hold it over) - might be dangerous, though
7. You break it off and find someone with a family, which acts well towards you (because being with someone IS being with their family)

None of these are ideal, but those are all the possibilities that I can think of.
I have thought of most of these. I befriended one cousin because she works in the same field I do. But the cousins are like sisters to her. They still do no wrong in her eyes. But it's nice to have at least one person there who is nice to me.

I know so many terrible things about his sister, but I doubt it will prove any use unless I argue with her directly and without her cousins there. I know she steals her mom's money. She smokes pot in her room all the time. She cheats on her boyfriend. And her car was keyed by coworkers that she was also a total cunt to. She has no friends, only her cousins because she looses them all with her attitude. And she's still in the mindset that she does no wrong, so... even calling her out may be useless.

I'm pretty sure we're past the point of being friendly. I made so many attempts in the past years. And they have all been thwarted with their responses to me. I actually have so much in common with a lot of them. But even in regards to our culture, they disregard it since I look more white than their race.

So, really the best thing for me to do is give up. Not give up my dignity, but just give up putting in so much emotional effort into being around these people who do not care and probably never will.
Just don´t let yourself be bullied. If arguing doesn´t help, then (as in with the dress) politely and respectfully excuse yourself to the parents (or whoever is the even about or what the code dictates) and leave.

One thing is traditions and such, other is letting anyone berate you. Leaving the event after something unpleasant happens is an option too (respectful good bye and head held high). Don´t let yourself be insulted and don´t let yourself sink to the same level. For me it would be the thing to do (if I was strong enough to go there at all)
>We're not coming to anymore events when cousins will be there because they are shitty to girlfriend for no reason and despite everybody being able to see it happening, it doesn't stop happening. Cousins disgrace themselves and our entire family every time we all get together. From now on if they want to be respected by me they can start earning it.
And it would be twisted easily.

"We're disrespectful? You're girlfriend is disrespectful for x, y, and z reasons. We're just being real and being ourselves. If you're girlfriend doesn't like that. We don't give a shit because we're all family. She isn't. If you want to choose your girlfriend over us, then go ahead."

Then this same thing will be repeated to every parent, telephoned down that my boyfriend is dating someone who doesn't respect family morals. And we have shot ourselves in the foot with the elders of the family ever respecting boyfriend and I.

It has been done before. Anytime boyfriend even says something like this about respect to us, his sisters and cousins just start nitpicking everything I've ever done. Completely flipping. And they will continue until we give up and ignore. They are literally delusional.
So be a silent sufferer until you either blow up or break down, avoid them or break it off with your boyfriend.

I feel bad for you, girl, but that´s all I can suggest and honestly, the first two options would both mean more and more suffering. The third is painful for a while, but heals.

Or he can leave his family for you, really giving them the only option to keep him: respect, but not everyone is able to do that much for others.
No no no honey, boyfriend says it directly and privately to the not-retarded members of the family. Cousins aren't there. You're not there. This is between him and parents and whoever else in their generation he's closest to.
That would only be effective if the parents and normal family members actually listened or accepted that his cousins are total bitches. But they don't.

In an ideal situation, it would work.
What's the goal here? Shitbags like you've described don't change easily, if at all. In my mind we're aiming for you to not have to be subjected to them anymore and minimizing the fallout on boyfriend from family when one or both of you stops showing up to events.

Would male cousins back him up? That would be a tremendous help.
I don't even know what the goal should be. I just want to be respected by my boyfriends parents, uncles, etc. In order to keep that up, I have to attend things like this. When I attend their parties, I get bullied. When my bf confides in anyone in his family about this, they blame him, deny it, etc.

I've just had it. Every fiber of my being wants to be a nasty cunt back, if I do so, his family gangs up on me and will never live it down.

I feel trapped. I date my boyfriend because I love him. I want at least his parent's respect. By saying I have issues with their daughter or nieces, I lose it.

Male cousins are in the same boat my boyfriend is with any girl they date. To avoid conflict, they fight back sneaky or don't fight it at all or stop attending family events (but are eventually blacksheeped)
I second that

+ How many males are there in the generation? If the family is so traditional, just by being male, your boyfriend should have an advantage. Even threat of leaving the family might work...
Then maybe it´s time for your boyfriend to decide if he´ll make you go through this again and again or if he´s willing to become a black sheep WITH the other male cousins (meaning he would still have them)
Sounds like my cousin's in-laws honestly. Her husband's parents both come from wealthy families and theirs is as well. The mom, her sisters, and her sister's kids are all snarky and "bless your heart" nice. She had to learn how to grin and deal with it but you boyfriend's family seems to be in a league of its own. You also mentioned his male cousin's have the same issues. Is it a very matriarchal family?
Their respect isn't worth much then. I'm sure that's not a reality you want to face but like you said this situation isn't ideal.

This isn't fair to either of you. It's his family though which means the onus is on him to ensure you don't have to get horribly mistreated in order to be accepted into it. Because that's utter bullshit, and every one of you knows it.
>+ How many males are there in the generation? If the family is so traditional, just by being male, your boyfriend should have an advantage. Even threat of leaving the family might work...

There are like 5 male cousins. Two of them rarely show up. One is gay so he is on the females side and kind of blacksheeped already for being gay.

I'd thought they'd show men more respect in the family. But the men in his family are held to incredibly high standards. Unlike the females. Basically, the females have to sit back, be pretty with high confidence, high standards for men, etc. and they have to marry rich. The men have to be the hardworking rich guy that women want to marry. If they are seen arguing or acting in any way that seems immature (no matter what), they are told to be the wiser and turn the other cheek or solve their own problems.

That's why you can see such a difference in the genders of his cousins. The women are all self-righteous, the boys were all put to work and expected to be "men" right at puberty.

I don't understand this. Their gender expectations of their own family fucking suck.
OP, I'm from one of the wealthiest families in the world, and sadly some of my family are like that too. What they're doing isn't nice, but I know where they're coming from.
You wish that he would stand up for you, but that's not going to happen, based on what you've told me.

You're dealing with very ugly, miserable people, and they aren't going to change. God forbid one day they accept you as one of their own, because you became a nasty unhappy bitch like they are?

I make the required family appearances, but I don't stick around for the drama. I have better things to do with my time. I assume you have your reasons for choosing to be there, and that's fine, but none of it is worth crying over.

Don't give them what they want. Laugh
Are you white?

Are they Hispanic/black/asian/other non-white?
hey opie after reading all these replies, I've come to the conclusion that you and your boyfriend should make up your own party and invite your own guests, this time with blackjack and hookers.

It'll be way more bearable than the stuff you tow already go through. Jokes aside, the idea still stands. Don't just leave the outing, leave and make up your own outing.
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