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Ok guys this is the first time im posting here, but i really

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Ok guys this is the first time im posting here, but i really don't know what else to do.

Ive been struggling with depression on and off since 2012, the year i finished school. Shit got really bad for me since my school days weren't the most fun, i had problems with bullying, even the teachers tried to fuck me over whenever they could. Basically i left school feeling like a worthless piece of shit. Feeling is still quite present to day, but i have had better days. My girlfriend at that time built me up a lot for 2 years and i was deciding to volunteer for some paid internship in a school because i decided to try becoming a kindergarden teacher. i really enjoyed working with the kids. halfway through i broke up with her, which was really hard on me, still is. She was the first one i really loved, she just understood me and my pain since she was hospitalized for stuff like borderline in the past. i felt like the biggest asshat, she built me up and i threw her away. In october 2015 i started university, actually applied for something different, since i didn't get the course i wanted (bad grades due to not giving a fuck anymore in school for obvious reasons, not an excuse tho). I very quickly realized that i picked poorly and i stopped going to my classes. right now i applied for a school to become a kindergarden teacher like i originally planned. but right now im not really doing anything. i should mention that i moved out of town since this place only brings me pain. right now tho im back in town, since my parents left for an emergency in our family and im stuck here with our two dogs. right now im sinking deeper and deeper into the depression again. i never really hurt myself before, but yesterday i did . it felt right and real, but after i went to sleep i realized that this was probably the dumbest shit I've ever done to myself. i don't really want to do it again but i fear im caving in at some point again. Im not suicidal but im afraid. cont-
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>>16940259
continue
i don't have many friends since i have massive trust issues, and i generally suppress my feelings. i really don't know what to do but i don't want to be hospitalized. im male btw if its important
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>>16940259
Just reading this made me a bit sad. But nothing horrible is going for you atm.
>i really enjoyed working with the kids.
This is what you want to get going.
>i applied for a school to become a kindergarden teacher like i originally planned.
That is good.
>hurt myself before, but yesterday i did . it felt right and real
Yea, you do this because you mostly wanted to feel something. Just remember the dopamine rush via self-harm isn't worth in the long term. It will only make you more dull over time to the point only hurting yourself will make you feel anything.

>i have massive trust issues
>i generally suppress my feelings
That is a thing you need to work out. Have you told your parents? Try to open at least to them and cry a river if needed. Even pathetic crying is better than holding it inside.
>i don't want to be hospitalized
They won't until you try to suicide so don't worry about it.

Seriously if you are in this bad state since 2012 I am afraid none advice here can help you. Your parents are now best bet.
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>>16940362
yeah i can't really talk to my parents, they never really understood this kind of shit. I've been trying to open up to them lately with some success, but usually my best bet is my roommate(who's also my male best friend) and my female best friend, which I've know for about 16 years now. both suffer from depression as well, so i can talk to them about that, but im fucking afraid to tell them about the self harm.
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>>16940378
Holy cow, don't tell me both of your friends are also depressed. Depression isn't flu.

Why don't you want to tell them about self-harm? Maybe you should consider psychiatrist. Being in depression for 4 years sounds terrible.

I am sorry, but I can't help you with this. I was always immune to these types of problems. Just summary your life and you will find out nothing irreversible happened and you will be good.

Good luck.
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>>16940398
yeah sounds weird man i get it, but i think im so good with them because they understand what i feel. somehow i seem to be kind of drawn to damaged goods.
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