I'm making an appointment with a GP, so I won't rely

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So aside the existential/metaphysical crap I was trying to reason through, relationships have been something of a distraction. I'm not sure if I was in the wrong in the last relationship but I sure beat myself up over it. And over how I'm my own worst enemy and I'll crush all of my hopes eventually. I also feel like creating things (art, ideas, anything) is the only worthwhile thing to do; the only thing I could gain proper self-worth from, but I'm never pleased with what I do. I never stick with an idea long enough to create something of quality.
I've self-harmed a couple of times in the last two months, but I think that's over for me.. well, at least until I make another mistake. The last time I cut myself was in the last week of term. That surprised me, seeing as I thought I'd recovered. The reason I did it was because I made a joke that people essentially told me off for. These people are from my college and it hurt me a lot because I thought I'd turned things around socially; I have some good friends at university and I never had many at school. I was in a best-friends 'trio' (we all know how that works out) and I was pretty lonely until sixth form. Well, occasionally lonely. Yeah, I didn't have anyone to open up to. I think it affected me. I didn't fit in at school, not that I cared much. I just had to be on the lookout for veiled jibes; kids had this weird passive-aggressive form of teasing and I never knew when someone was being nice or being nice because they think I'm weird.
I don't tend to worry about that now.

(2/?)

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For a while I've been preoccupied with the notion that there's something "different" about me without knowing quite what, despite many hours of internet research. I would have thought Asperger's but I don't fit that well. Another possibility is ADHD-PI (oh yeah, I fidget a lot). My mum suggested depression but I don't think that's a good fit either. Generally I don't have a low mood, I might just get irritable. I think I used to get set off easily, but I controlled/repressed that in social situations (other than my family). Most of the time I feel neutral.
I used to entertain the idea that I was a sociopath but that's very obviously not the case. I (think) I have empathy.
I've considered schizotypy.. not sure of that either. I have a fair few paranoid thoughts but I tend not to invest in them. They kind of flicker by. It does bug me. I don't see things that aren't there. Also, I don't have magical thinking - I'd like to think I'm pretty rational. INTP.
Speaking of rationality, something that's bothered me recently is changes in mood despite thinking I've solved the problem that was causing me to be depressed. I think that I can think my way out of anything; I thought myself in there in the first place. Recently I've been stable but I don't trust that any more. One thing that led to cutting is that the pain there is from a known cause and makes fucking sense.

(3/?)

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Perhaps you should know about my family. My dad might have ADD or something, and he's a bit of a social pariah without noticing. He's just quite annoying, and always wants things his way, and he's always right. He's lost several jobs due to fighting injustices he sees in the manager's behaviour. He's hopelessly disorganised yet addicted to stationery. Probs an aspie really.
My mum's weird too, though I'm not sure in what way. Her social mask always seems kind of fake, like she's trying too hard. Her smile isn't in her eyes, that kind of thing. She also got an insanely good degree as a mature student - I guess she just focused and managed to achieve what she wanted to. She's far more organised than me.
I have an aspie cousin too.. there is considerable oddness in the family. Fuck, maybe I just have Asperger's.. doesn't sit right with me though.

Oh, another thing you might need to know is that I do a fair amount of drugs.. weed since I was 14, then MDMA then 25i then DXM then shrooms then LSD then 1P-LSD at 17/18. Last term I smoked less weed than usual, less than once a week perhaps, but I did use modafinil and 1P-LSD microdoses to get work done. I did 1P pretty much once a week, I think. Possibly less frequently/regularly. I don't think I was particularly irresponsible, especially compared to last term. Maybe I did waste too much time though.

(4/?)

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Eh, that's probably enough to go on for now. More than enough. But it all seemed important.

(5/5)

what the fuck man

tldr sum it up

what your problem is your a skinny little bitch with too much time on his hands

get a job. move out of your parents house. exercise and eat healthy. go get your dick wet and dont fall for the relationship trap

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>>16936392
uhm
"I think too much. what's wrong with me?"

>>16936415
*her

>get a job
university.
>exercise and eat healthy
I think my diet's okay, not much in the way of junk anyway. I do 100 situps/pressups every day.. would a gym be better?

>go get your dick wet
I don't even masturbate dude. I wouldn't be comfortable with casual sex. I probs have vaginismus as well. Yeah, fuck relationships.. I'm not enough of a human being to manage that.

>>16936071
-Don't define yourself by how much you relate to labels.
-Set Goals and Work Towards Them
-Go to lectures for the sake of developing self-disipline and follow through and remember how much money your parents are paying for them

you didnt say anything that indicates you need proffesional help.

>>16936579
My parents aren't paying anything for them. I have some bursaries though, and I realise I have obligations. Lectures seem like a waste of time.. maybe I'll go to the revision lectures next term.
What kind of goals? I don't really have goals except general competence. In fact I set a goal for myself today and I didn't achieve it even though it would have been fun.
Lectures don't seem to do much for me. I might fall asleep or be completely distracted, and I don't write notes because it's not possible to follow the lecturer at the same time. My tutor insists that lectures are necessary for learning and I don't believe it. The lectures are available online. I can see their purpose in increasing self-discipline, but after 4h of lectures I'd be inclined to nap rather than study. Not that I do anything productive anyway.

Maybe I don't need professional help but I don't want it to get to that stage. I thought that since the welfare advisor (a kind of counsellor) told me I should see a GP then I probably should.

I often feel quite lonely in my brain; people don't understand what I think about, at least not in the same way as I do. The previous GP didn't help at all - he just told me to do things I already do, pretty much. Like writing things down and trying to compartmentalise.

you are lazy and looking for excuses

>>16936639
Ah yes! Now I see how I can better myself! I just have motivation! Yay, modafinil!

Fuck you. It's not my fault I have no energy.

>>16936652
*have to have

>>16936652
>It's not my fault I have no energy

you at least had enough energy to reply, also
>not looking for excuses

if this truly is not the case, then dont ask on an online mongolian weaving forum, seek professional help

>>16936702
I said I'm going to a GP. No harm asking here beforehand. Stop saying useless things, aren't you here to give advice?