Funny you posted this. All day I have felt oddly alone... I have friends, family, and a boyfriend I could be talking to but none of them interest me. Maybe its because I need to talk to you today anon.
I'll talk, but please if you have anything to say please to do.
Well lately I've been consumed by three things exactly that have taken me by assault. However I did saw them coming but, as usual, I am unprepared.
One of them is that lately I havent been able to forget some of the friends I made on the net a while ago, remembering times past and the great things that could have been done if they were still here with me.
College classes are overwhelming me. Not only because of my lazyness but because I lack the vision to see myself somewhere after I graduate. After 5 Semesters with lots of setbacks, I've tried to convince myself that maybe somewhere along the path I'll find a true pation, or a clear objective.
However, between the Lectures, the bad Teachers and great attempts to not fall asleep, I am nothing but a ship that moves with nothing else but the wind. Worried because I am not only doing bad, but because my lazyness takes all the drive I need to open that stupid book and try to understand it.
Only reason why I want to finish this is because its my mothers dream. In her words she ''Wants to see me graduate, if thats even possible'' referring to her inminent death.
As of late, my mother just seems to be weaker and weaker. However, theres brief moments where I can see her strong spirit only to fall back into a void of depression which has consumed for the last 10+ years followed by a crippling solitude.
While thinking about her dying does make me cry, I cant stop but feel some hate towards her for some things. I concluded months ago that losing her would mean my definite solitude, as no other person will trully care for me or question me how I am doing. And I dont want anyone else to do so, I just wish my mother was happy.
But shes old. And the cold stare of a dark priest stares at her by the side of her bed.
>>16815601 You sound like you are under a lot of pressure because of your mom's wishes. You might want to breathe and let go of some of that worry. Maybe you will graduate on time, maybe you won't. Maybe she will be happy, maybe she won't. The point is to accept the future, accept that the things you worry about might happen and then come to terms with the worst-case scenario. Then once you have accepted the worst, you can only go up. Less tension and stress means a higher chance for you completing your academic goals.
How often do you go for a walk between school work? It will increase your productivity to do something positive every once and awhile instead of just slaving away.
You might not be lazy, you could be unmotivated instead.
I really have no goals. Just some ideas here and there that make no sense at all.
My only true goal is to write books. And for that I need to be less stupid and, trust me, its hard to find a man thats not as dumb as I am.
College is not helping in that regard. I feel like everything I learn there I forget it quickly. So all I really do with my time Is sit and read books.
Hoping that some day maybe I will have something else to do, maybe something out of the ordinary that actually gets my full attention and fills me with passion. But its hard to see when everything here is just so damm boring.
And its hard to accomplish that goal, when I havent written a single page in weeks.
>>16815646 >I feel like everything I learn there I forget it quickly. This may indicate a lack of interest in the subjects you are studying. The fact you read books means you aren't incapable of being interested in a subject but the actual courses you might want to examine if they are right for you. I'm guessing they aren't since you're in college because of pressure from your mom.
What classes are you taking?
I don't have much to say about myself other than I too am bored right now. However I'm still getting through school work because I practice relaxation techniques and affirmations to help relieve stress.
>>16815646 Oh I just thought of something... you might consider taking an academic leave and work on self-reflection and self-discovery because it sounds like you are doing what someone else wants you to do. You should find out what YOU really want to do(maybe you'll be inspired to write more pages) and be the person you want to be, before you try to tackle any more school.
I took an academic leave after changing my major. I left school for a year, during that time I focused mainly on my mental health by reading self help books and attending therapy. It made school a lot easier when I got back.
I didnt end up here because of my mothers pressure really. After I graduated highschool I had no idea of what to do. When I failed to enter College for a Physics Major (because then, in my head, I though to be smart and into numbers) I had to take some private courses with a teacher so I could get in.
One day he was driving me as close as he could home. In a moment of silence, I told him that I had no idea of where to enter really. I just threw in some words ''Maybe something related to the Military''. So he said, well, at the local College theres ''Aeronautics''.
And thats where I've been for the last 4 years.
You see, all of this is quite poetic in some way. I am here not only because I am lucky, but by never making a single choice (not that I would've been capable of making one). All of this just came to me, somehow, like the waves of the ocean.
I am from Mexico, so the educational system is fucked up.
If I want to graduate I need to take all the courses designed for my ''Specialty''. All of them. Theres no way for me to ''choose''.
At this moment I am taking three or two courses focused on my career. One of them is ''Aerodynamics'', with a ''Know it all'' teacher that doesnt even gives us a proper class or explanation of whats going on or what we should learn.
Theres a lack of interest definitely. Just, maybe, some demotivation and lack of drive due to how bad I am doing.
Other than that, I have no other way but to finish it. Either way, I am finishing this career.
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