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Have been in a relationship with this girl for 4 years. We have

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Have been in a relationship with this girl for 4 years. We have had our ups and downs, separated multiple times and got together. Last time we separated, she messaged me out of nowhere after 4 months saying that she misses me. In fact, one could argue that she is the one who always got us back together, again. But despite that, I feel like I am the one who is more invested in our relationship.

I am more affectionate, I always try to make her come first for everything and all that. Back when we got back together she was all lovey-dovey and I felt great, she acted like the girlfriends of some of my friends. However, that stopped real fast and now she was at her parent's house over the holidays and didn't even send me a message for NYE.

We live a few hours apart, so naturally we phone/IM a lot. She always gets angry for never initiating a talk/chat with her but when we talk, she's always rather passive and I feel forced to keep the conversation going. When I just remain passive as well, she goes "Don't be silent"

I don't want this kind of girlfriend. The sex is good but I have had good sex with previous girlfriends as well. I want more. However, I can't bring myself to actually break-up with her. I'm obviously emotionally invested in her and in our past (sunk cost fallacy). She's the only girl who repeatedly came back to me, which makes me think that she might actually feel strongly for me.

I told her that if she likes me as much as she claims she does, then I want her to be more affectionate. She tried for a bit but it didn't last long. As I said, she left to be with family over the holidays and ever since then it's been dead silence.

I spent NYE with friends and their girlfriends were all super cute and affectionate, the ones that didn't bring their girlfriend to this event we went were bombarded with caring (but angry) texts, were called and cared for. I got teary eyed and felt worse than being single...

Can this be fixed? Should I tell her to fuck off?
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>>16633288
Friendly but desperate bump.
>>
You deserve someone who loves you and cares about you. If someone loves you and cares, they show it. It is natural. You just can't hide it.
Let her go and find someone who treats you well.
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>>16633425
How do you explain the fact that she's always coming back for more? Is she just being an attention whore and wanting someone who's all into her?

Last time we got back together she said that she went on two dates with a different guy each and didn't like them one bit. That she realized that I was "awesome" and that she doesn't want someone else.

I gotta admit, when she said those things I felt so damn happy and I almost believed that things would be different and that she'd be affectionate but nada.
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>>16633440
Because you're there for her and she doesn't need to do anything for you to be there for her.
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>>16633288

>Can this be fixed?

No, you are just an emotional backup to her, when she finds another man in her life you will be completely out.

>Should i tell her to fuck off?

Should had done this sooner, but you still got time, grow some fucking balls.
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>>16633528
>>16633534
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>>16633288
OP you sound like a girl I know. Notorious cheater, at one point had six boyfriends simultaneously who knew nothing of each other, and I was the sixth one. I initially fell into that trap of believing her persistence meant she really did love me, but the few times I let her back into my life it always ended the same way and that was very badly. We still keep in touch, but she hasn't changed at all, and likely never will.

Drop it like it's hot.
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>>16633567
She sounds*
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Whenever I'm not in a great mood, she goes "DRAMAAA. YOU REALLY LOVE DRAMA, ANON" so obviously I try to not complain about anything. One time I was sad and she and didn't want to talk and she goes all "You are acting in a very annoying way" and I fucking lost it. Rattled out the things I don't like about her saying that if she gave a fuck, she'd be concerned about me and not get angry or annoyed every time I'm not int he best mood. She just goes "Ok. I'm a horrible person." or "you are attacking me" and starts putting on a fucking guilt trip. Then she said ":( I am not in the mood to talk" and went offline (this was over IM).
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>>16633567
That's one thing I can't accuse her of. I honestly do not think that she's cheating on me, but then again who knows, right? We live a few hours apart so meeting up isn't easy, I guess she could have a fling or two where she's at.
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>>16633578
If you are aware of how shitty of a person she is then why do you not just break up with her?
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>>16633288
god fucking damnit! are you me and are we dating the same fucking grill?

I would give you advice, but I'm in the exact same situation as you and have no idea of what to do.... I just know this will keep happening and I'll continue to be miserable, and you know that the same is true for you as well. We both know what is the best thing to do, but we'll never bring ourselves to do it, at least until we find someone else, so my advice would be to keep looking and when you find the one, drop the current one like it's hot, that's my plan...
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>>16633592
I really don't know. I'm probably very invested in her because of our past.

Also I keep wondering, if perhaps I am the douchebag in this relationship. That she's perfectly normal and I'm the one who's broken. I keep trying to be understanding of her behavior and everything and I put in extra efforts to understand some of her weird characteristics but where's the limit?
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>>16633594
> but we'll never bring ourselves to do it, at least until we find someone else, so my advice would be to keep looking and when you find the one, drop the current one like it's hot, that's my plan...

I love you, man. Spoken right out of my soul. I really thing a big part of me is afraid of being alone and once that's gone. Once I find someone who's really appreciative of me, I'll ditch this person.
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>>16633608
that's exactly what I think... I'd rather spend a few days with her while I don't find anyone else than being alone all the time

we'll find someone else... just don't put any effort into her in the meanwhile, convince yourself it's not worth it because it's going to end any time.
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>>16633637
>we'll find someone else... just don't put any effort into her in the meanwhile, convince yourself it's not worth it because it's going to end any time.


Really hope so, mate. Are you on the lookout? Actively, I mean? What do you tell any potential partners about your relationship? That you're single?
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>>16633578
>she goes "DRAMAAA. YOU REALLY LOVE DRAMA, ANON" so obviously I try to not complain about anything

That's mental abuse. Obviously, we don't know her part of the story but if she really makes you unable to express your dissatisfaction you should swiftly remove her from your life.
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>>16633608
>>16633637

Really? You are saying that you'd rather be with a piece of shit instead of being alone?

I just found your problem. You are needy. How can you expect someone to like your own company when you yourselves can't handle it?

Holy shit, you guys have a girlfriend just for the sake of having one. There's your problem
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>>16633645
yep... I can actually do that because she doesn't even want to tell anybody that we're together, so no one knows that I'm with someone... I know it's not right and it actually makes me sad that I can't even feel bad about it... I have already put so much care and effort into her without any reciprocation that I'm as deep as I can be into the "no fucks given" mentally

I know that when I finish college I'll move to another country and if we're still together by then I'll dump her ass and never see her again
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>>16633594
>so my advice would be to keep looking and when you find the one, drop the current one like it's hot, that's my plan...
Don't be a fucking dick, OP. This shit will only make you unhappy, believe me. Make a decision and stick to it; if you feel that she is not the right one then break up with her and focus on yourself for a bit. We are all afraid of being alone, but you will get over it. Don't just stay in a relationship that is bad for you, keep it straight-forward and don't fall for the illusion of 'at least I will have someone to cuddle and have sex with regularly'.

From her behavior (especially how she reacts to your non-happy moods), she is a ignorant bitch with the possibility of cheating on you right now or in the future. If you keep trying and discussing, she will always find ways to justify her actions and make you look like the idiot.

- guy who ended the relationship with his first real love a few months ago and feels lonely as fuck, but better
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>>16633658
>You are saying that you'd rather be with a piece of shit instead of being alone?

You just described every unhappy resentful relationship out there. People don't want to be alone, not [only] because "they are needy" but because of social stigma, false hope as you can see by OP's wish to "fix it", common past that they often idolize and a plethora of other reasons.

>you guys have a girlfriend just for the sake of having one

Their relationship probably did not start out like that and by the time they realized they're dating a cunt, they got to the point above.
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>>16633667
>she doesn't even want to tell anybody that we're together

Shit dude. You're really describing my girlfriend. I'm getting suspicious. What's her name start with?
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>>16633667
Fuck you that shit, man. Get your shit together and don't wait for her to cheat on you. Man up already, how much more stupid can you be? You already know about the sunk cost FALLACY and still keep going.

Also I am baffled that only one other anon gets that is fucked up to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy just because you are too much of a pussy to handle yourself. Never be a pussy, and never be a dick.
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>>16633685
Ideally, I want to fix this relationship, but after n tries, I guess that's out of question.

We haven't called or texted each other for about a week now. I don't really want to contact her and am hoping she'll just never contact me either. What should I do when she calls/texts me? Should I discuss this situation or just tell her that I'm out, without giving any reasons?
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>>16633715
samefag here, never mind. Just read >>16633685

> If you keep trying and discussing, she will always find ways to justify her actions and make you look like the idiot.

I think I'm just going to show her this thread. Thanks bros and possible sis'
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>>16633715
If you did make your decision (and sorry for phrasing it like breaking up is the only option, I don't know enough details), stick to it and let her know. No need to play games and wait or anything.

If you care about her having a chance to improve herself in the future, be neutral and precise about what made you break up, in one or two sentences. Keep it very short, the more you write the more she will get wrong.

Next thing that is important is that you don't start discussing anything, this is your decision, your (justified) opinion, so there is nothing to discuss. Distract yourself with stuff unrelated to relationships or sex and work on yourself. You will feel better after a while and this shit will make you grow. Physical distance (and online distance) are key in preventing getting together, be aware of that. So you are lucky to live somewhere else, makes it easier. But still, be careful; I got back together with my ex over the Christmas holidays when we were in our hometown and she started contacted me.

One more thing: You mentioned her messaging way less than you, this can be your subjective feeling. Go to your messenger and COUNT (I really mean tally marks or something) the amount of messages you both wrote, and be honest. Did that once and was surprised that we wrote the same amount.

Good luck, anon.
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>>16633704
are fucking serious?

starts with A
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>>16633744
Thanks for the advice, anon. I will try to do what you said. I feel sad about it already, to be honest. This sucks but yeah, the relationship sucks too.

>I got back together with my ex over the Christmas holidays when we were in our hometown and she started contacted me.

So you're back with her again?? How's it going? This comes as a surprise.

>One more thing: You mentioned her messaging way less than you, this can be your subjective feeling. Go to your messenger and COUNT

I actually did once. We use WhatsApp a lot and you can send yourself the log of the conversation as an Email. Then used some command line tool in Linux to count who wrote more and the ratio was around 6 to 1.


>>16633756
>A
Oh whew, her's starts with an F. Dude, when you didn't respond, I got fucking anxious lol.
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>>16633658
>>16633685
>>16633705
I've tried anons! I broke up with her already at least three times, and she always comes back to me and I can't say no... tried blocking her on FB, blocked her phone, she always finds a way to contact me.... I don't know what else to do but to just stay with her until I find someone else

(not OP, the other anon in the same situation)

>>16633769
it's still crazy how are situations are to similar
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>>16633585
You're a cuckold you dipshit. She probably gets off on feeling like a trashy whore. Your gf is a sluuuuuuuut and you're too beta to see it. Pathetic.
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>>16633769
>Thanks for the advice, anon. I will try to do what you said. I feel sad about it already, to be honest. This sucks but yeah, the relationship sucks too.

>So you're back with her again?? How's it going? This comes as a surprise.
Nah, that was in 2014. Sorry for the confusion. We tried it again but the same old issues came up and when I broke up with her for good, I had the same reasons as the first time. But my problems with her were different from yours.

>I actually did once. We use WhatsApp a lot and you can send yourself the log of the conversation as an Email. Then used some command line tool in Linux to count who wrote more and the ratio was around 6 to 1.
Good on you. That should be very clear, then.

You will make the right decision!
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>>16633601
Any time anyone says this shit like about what they've already invested, I ask them to consider if that's worth what already hasn't been invested. Yeah I get that you guys have a history together, but if you tried talking it out and it's not working and she's being manipulative, is it worth staying? Because if you stay just because of what's already invested, you'll end up investing more and end up losing even more.
Thread posts: 33
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