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Hey /adv/, I feel bad. I feel hurt I can't grow a proper

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Hey /adv/, I feel bad. I feel hurt
I can't grow a proper relation with no one because of myself and my fucked up situation,I feel like I'm not worth the time, the smile other people. I am a poor semi-orphan and my mother is a shitty brainless woman. She's insensitve, an old immigrant who can't even talk the language of the country, a stupid muslim old woman. I can't go against her since she's alone in this, and it would mess my brother, mys two sisters up. My big sis doesn't get shit, she's stupid, agressive, intuitive rather than thinking, she gets in the way, and right when I believed she's comprehensive, she shat on every thought I have about my mother, all about that "that's your mother" as if we couldn't imply she's done bad stuff in her life. She wouldn't even get it a lightyear after

This life's messing me up, I don't want to kill myself or anything, I want to enjoy it, I wanted a simple life, simple parents, the financial situation don't matter to me, I need(ed) real parents, how come I'm 20 and still getting sad over this stupid family. I don't to live now, it think about my little brother and my little sis, they need my joy and I need theirs...
I'm too poor to get off on my own, I'm in my study but I feel I'm going insane before the end of it, I don't want to be that depressed dude who pushes everyone away, I'm the sad clown of my friends and I can't tell them any of it. Too poor to get any psychiatrist, too poor to leave the house without ending up in the streets
How do I heal now, I can't get into real friends I've got this sweet lady who's into me and because of my family I don't want her involved, so I implicitly push her off while she's obviously trying to hook us up.
I had nightmares of her, when she enjoy saying that I'm stupid, ugly. I feel broken totally. The crying little guy in me is silenced by my current self because my troubles shouldn't be seen.

Cheers to anyone drinking alone in the night of new year's eve, have a happy new year
>>
Please, /adv/ give me some thoughts. I really need you.
>>
>>16617877

>semi orphan
>wont stop talking about the mom he still live wtih

dont pull that card, having a distant or busy or mean mother is not the same as having no mother and being forced into foster care adn shit. dont try and make it like it is.

>i cant leave cuz no money

make more money. there are always ways. you may not like em, but you cant ask for advice and expect the magic answer. pick the things you need the least and cut em out to make a life for yourself.

make a list of what you want otu of life. be reasonable, but have real goals.

then start breaking down the goals into the mini steps to get there. then start working on that first step today.

better catch up.
>>
>>16618052
Thanks for the answer.

I don't talk about her, I'm complaining. I never speak about her, I don't talk to her, she knows I don't like her, she doesn't care.
I'm not pulling any card, I'm not trying to pity /adv/ or anything. I just spoke about my situation. Sorry if you felt offended by the look of this thread.


I'll leave soon, I'm doing my best to leave. I'll rather work and study than being here having money from her and living without work.
But in the meantime, i'm still hurt and I won't ever forgive her (I'm sorry, not saying what she did, but it was a long and constant effort that brings me down), not a emotional or vengefull respond, it's a inner scream that doesn't want to see her, to touch her. I felt dirty for days when she touched me.

I think i'm just sad I haven't experienced an normal childhood, with normal problems.
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