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/adv/, what's your personal cutoff point for lying and infidelity?

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/adv/, what's your personal cutoff point for lying and infidelity? At what point does it go from being repairable to unfixable?


My girlfriend and I have been together for years. I never thought I'd find a more perfect woman. Dedicated, driven, intelligent, we've stuck by each other's side through so much. We've had every intention of getting married, just whenever the circumstances are right. I live an hour away from her and we have worked hard to make this relationship something special.

A couple of months ago, I noticed things getting a little stale between us. Absolutely nothing "bad," just less spontaneity, we were staying in alot more often, plus stress of work for both of us and school for her was making it hard for a bit, especially while she had finals coming up. She referred to it as "losing our spark." A month ago she got a new coworker, a British guy (we're in America) who had similar interests as us and moved to the US because he recently got married and is here on a greencard. I started to notice them talking a lot, but she's had guy friends before and it's never bothered me.

(cont.)
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>>16586022

To cut a long story short, she developed a crush on this guy, and I found evidence that they were planning on cheating. She lied to me about quite a few things and maintained the lies for a long time. I caught her in them and she finally admitted it. We've had alot of talks, trying to work through this and move past it all. I have evidence and its abundantly clear that they haven't physically done anything, and that according to her she doesn't love him. We decided we needed to get out for a while so we spent the week together out of state, and this past week has been great. She was the first to comment that it felt like things were getting back to normal for us.

We returned to our individual homes on Friday, and I found out that evening that they met up at a gas station (in public), to talk about their feelings for each other. One of our agreements was that she was to cut all contact with him except work related stuff while at work. Yesterday while she was at work I sent her a message telling her that I want her to think long and hard about who she wants to be with and what she wants in life. I met her immediately after work and told her that I have more self respect than to keep dealing with this shit, and I deserve to be with someone who can actually communicate effectively so this never happens in the first place. I told her I wanted to know who it was going to be, me or him. She hesitated for a moment, then told me she couldn't be with me. I shrugged, and she said she wanted to talk about it. I told her there wasn't really anything to talk about, but she tried anyway. I quickly caught her in another lie and told her that. I told her that that exactly is why none of what we've been trying to do to fix this is having any effect, because she just can't be honest with me. I told her to get out of the car, and left without another word.

(cont.)
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>>16586029

Later I got a text from her dad, that shit had hit the fan. When he found out originally that his daughter was messing around with a married guy behind my back, he fucking blew his lid and told her that if she didn't want to be with me that's alright, that's her choice. But a scumbag like that wouldn't be welcomed into their family, and if she made that choice he would more or less cut all ties with her. I think she thought he was bluffing, because immediately after I left she brought him around for her mom to meet him, since her mom and dad both hated him at this point and she was trying to convince them he wasn't a bad guy or something.

Her dad beat the ever loving fuck out of him.

I think it's finally hit her how big she fucked up, and she's regretting it. She's practically begging me to take her back, and I told her (in nicer terms) to fuck off. I've been talking with her dad through text for a while. While he loves his daughter, he's been on my side through all of this bullshit, and has told me before that she pretty much deserves this. I asked him about it, and he said they had a long talk and it seems like it's genuine. It's finally hit her how big of a mistake she made. I don't know what to believe, since before this happened, she was lying to me about it all until the very end.
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>>16586033

I've been doing some thinking about it, and my idea is to talk to her about it today. I'm going to explain to her that she literally chose a crush she barely knew over our relationship, and that I can never forget that. Tell her that if she's being honest about this, she's got her work cut out for her. I'm going to have us take a week or so and have her come up with ideas on her own of what she feels our relationship needs to be fixed. Then we sit down and have a long, frank talk. This isn't going to be a kiss and makeup talk, because unless I'm 100% convinced then I'm just gonna cut my losses and block her from everything and move on. If she can convince me that she's actually putting effort in and kicking this guy to the curb, then I might be open to basically starting a new relationship with her, since it became so fucked before.

Is it alright to give so many chances? I've ended previous relationships a lot sooner over less than this, but honestly things had been so good before that I would never have thought in a million years she was capable of something like this. I know now that she's capable of something like this, but is it possible for it to have been a fluke? Or is there anything else I could or should be doing?
tl;dr: we were having some fixable relationship problems, found out my girlfriend developed a crush on a guy she barely knew, lied to me about it, decided she wanted to try a relationship with him, then almost immediately after found out the relationship was over and she might have finally realized she fucked up. When is it worth trying to work out, or just moving on?
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The relationship is clearly over.

Don't be a cuck. Literally only reason she is coming back is because her family is forcing her.
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>>16586022
>what's your personal cutoff point for lying and infidelity?

Way before this. I have a pretty much zero tolerance policy. It's not hard for me to be completely faithful to my partner, so I absolutely expect the same from them. Have some standards man.
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Dude. She lied to you repeatedly. She chose him over you. The only, and I really mean the ONE AND ONLY reason she wants to 'fix' things with you is because things aren't working out with the new guy.

If you take her back this will just happen again in a couple years when she gets a new crush. Cut your losses and move on, man. This will be a valuable lesson for her.
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>>16586039
Don't beat yourself up for giving her so many chances in the past. Those were her bad decisions. But, personally, I wouldn't take her back. You gave her so many chances.

You will always remember that dude and it will haunt you even if the relationship is repaired. Taking her back for these things will just make her a better liar. A better hider. When the "spark is lost" again, she will revert back to old ways.

I've been in a relationship similar to this, for 5 years. And it felt like I was walking on eggshells until it finally ended. Every time I felt like my SO was mad at me, or if I feel like I wasn't being the perfect mate, I thought my partner would cheat on me again. Because that's what he'd do. Whenever he had the slightest doubt about our relationship, he'd start flirting with other women on dating sites. And every time I caught him, he said it was my fault because I wasn't being what he wanted. And I internalized it hard, like it was my fault that he wasn't feelin' me so I forced him to go talk to other women.

But it isn't. Don't fall into that kind of cyclical relationship. You can end it all now.
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You are handling this perfectly. You can have a talk with her, but do not take her back. Cheaters will always be cheaters, male or female.
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>>16586022
I see it as lying or a white lie.
A white lie would be not mentioning you were on the same lunch break as a female co worker, you didn't talk to her but you know your SO will freak out
A lie would be intentionally keeping information that will definitely upset someone (because you did something wrong).

If your gf has emotionally cheated, you need to sort it out and get her to cut contact with the 3rd party.
If she has cheated or made plans and knows she will probably do something but has no intention of telling you, its too late and you might as well call it quits.

But judging by what you have posted, she is with you to look good for her family, my ex was with me for the same reason while she was fucking a colleague (I had no idea).
Also if she has a history of knowing that she was the other woman it says a lot about her integrity.
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>>16586033

holy shit dude, i'm dealing with a very, very loosely similar situation. it's one chance she's got with me. if she fucks up in the slightest, then i'm not going to waste any time on the prospect of the relationship. might two times of fucking up been her limit for her to mature and grow? sure. i'm too hurt and depressed though. good luck yourself. if she's really grown up then congratulations, but if it takes more than once chance odds are high that it's temporary. that's all i can say
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>>16586082
i also agree with the poster above me. who is willing to be the other woman or man in a relationship? a very fucked up person who's extremely self-centered, there's no way around that
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>>16586082
>>16586156

I'm at work so I can't respond to all of the messages so far, but the britbong and his wife are on the verge of divorce for unrelated reasons anyway and have recently separated, so I think that's how she has justified it to herself. To me there's no difference, but from the way it seems to me she's been more like "well there isn't really a relationship to ruin between them" even though her being in that situation isn't exactly helping their marriage either.
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>>16586182

One more thing I need to add to this, her dad told me that when they were talking about it after it all happened, she told him that she realizes how she actually is the Other Woman in their marriage and the weight of that. He said she acted pretty disgusted with herself when it hit her.
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Don't go back to her op.

>finally hit her

No it didn't he probably called it off after meeting her family. Plus she is getting shit from her parents. It's not about her wanting you back it's about them not wanting to deal with all the shit they caused. She's trying to run back to you as a safety net to run away from the mess she created. Do not do it. Don't be anyone's consolation prize. Someone else will come along that won't cause as much trouble and she'll do it again while getting to use you until then.
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> My girlfriend and I have been together for years
> she developed a crush on this guy
> and I found evidence that they were planning on cheating
> lies, and lies
> She's practically begging me to take her back
OP, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
The relationship is as good ad over.
In my opinion, it is not relevant if she has physically cheated.
It appears she wants you to take her back because of pressure by her family, that's why.
God, after FIVE years, with a married man on top of that!.
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>>16586182
in my situation it was well there's really not a relationship between us because we didnt have a good means to communicate after she had to move a couple hours away, and 6 months after she's started a relationship with someone else while i'm still committed i find out. i hear what you're saying though. and can understand where she's coming from yet side with you. it may not be as an extreme of a point against her as it sounded, but it certainly still is and you know that on your own. i personally don't think she's grown up on her own either way, just letting you know my conclusion remains after hearing being the other woman wasn't significant. i'm >>16586140
>>16586156
btw
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Just lol @ women in the year of our lord 2015 almost 2016

Dropping everything and just ruining two relationships with a single stone holy shitt
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>>16586022

Seems you and I are a lot alike OP my girlfriend of 5 years did the same thing when she went abroad for 6 months, dropped everything with me for a spark she had in a British europoor.

This is why I will never trust british people or mexican women ever again.
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Not cheating is already implied in every relationship, if that agreement is broken once it can very easily be broken again.

She even chose this guy over you...

If you start this relationship over again, you will never be able to trust her fully, and you will know that you were only here second choice.

For your own self respect and future happiness, I would recommend you don't take her back again.
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OP, if you start this back up you will have no one to blame but yourself when things go wrong. If you take her back, you will forever be a cuck.
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>>16586022
>She hesitated for a moment, then told me she couldn't be with me

OP she chose another guy over you when you asked point blank. Not your responsibility to pick up the pieces if that shit didn't work for her. Too fucking bad. You take her back and she'll either be fucking him behind your and his wifes back or somebody else soon. Not for a minute do I believe they haven't fucked. You don't totally ditch the relationship with you and take him to meet her parents unless she had.
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>>16586022
OP, a few things to think about.

Never put a girl in a "me or him" situation. You sound like a level headed awesome guy. Have more respect for yourself. Basically, what you're doing is shifting power to her. It's her choice. You don't want to do that, ever. Because if a girl is even contemplating cheating, it should be YOUR choice on whether you want to stay with her or not given that information. Not the other way about. It sounds a little bit like semantics, but trust me it's better for you to remain in control than it is a cheater.

As for the rest, the dad sounds like an awesome guy as well. That's the sort of father I envision myself to be if I ever have a daughter. But having an awesome father-in-law isn't the same as having her as a partner.

The relationships dead, I'm sorry to say. You know it yourself. Emotions are tangling with you a bit. People don't like letting go of what they know and feel comfortable with. It stops you seeing clarity on the situation. But you'll look back in a few years with perfect clarity and know it was the right decision.

She chose a random guy based on attraction and something new/fresh. She threw years of being together on someone a bit exotic. She's shown that all it takes is a little bit of a spark for her to throw everything away. She has no loyalty, and bases her decisions based on her fleeting emotions. This is not a girl you want to have kids with, if you want kids. Or to build stability. Because she's quite ready to throw it all away based on a fleeting emotion.
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Anons are giving legit advices in this thread OP, please listen to them, i know that deep inside you even knowing that she is a slut, you are willing to believe that she is fixable and your relationship has hope, but it hasn't.
Cut contact with her, her family and get rid of everything that makes you remember her, you sound like a really nice person and deserves better, try to fix a broken relationship with a garbage human being is a waste of time and you will probably miss the opportunity of meeting the woman of your life, i wish you the best luck out there OP.
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It's over, just move on. Her father has his head screwed on right. If you take her back he won't be able respect you.
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Hey man, hope things work out for you. Just wanted to say that was a good read and you've handled everything like a boss.
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