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How do I know when it's time to stop a serious relationship?

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How do I know when it's time to stop a serious relationship?

Can't tell if I'm a retard or if this actually isn't working
>>
>>16578121
Generally if you have to ask, you already know the answer.
>>
>>16578134

like if she texts me
>I'm home
and I want to respond with
>Fuck off

might it be time? because sometimes that's where I'm at with her.

but, other times, I think about it, and I feel like I would be making a huge mistake and letting go of something I don't want to lose
>>
>>16578144
It's not gonna get better, dump her dude. I've tried staying in relationships that were destined to fail from the start, and they did fail. The only thing I got from sticking around longer was a heavier heart and a lot of wasted time.
>>
>>16578165

but how am I supposed to tell the difference? at the start, it didn't feel like it was destined to fail. we have worked through a lot, and have always seemed find a way through our differences.

I feel like if we separate, I'm going to regret it

but at the same time, I feel like I'm tired of dealing with her shit
>>
allow me to present my example: keep in mind we have been together for a year, both 25 years old

>already upset with each other about going to the Star Wars premier
>I invited her, she never gave me a time that worked for her, she said "go with your friends" because she knew they were dressing up and they actually like start wars, as do I. she doesn't really care either way
>bought tickets a week ago
>talking earlier today, I say "I'm excited to go see the movie tonight"
>she gets mad because she feels like I didn't want to see it with her
>explain the previous situation of me inviting her, not getting response, etc..., she's still mad
>"okay, as soon as the movie is over tonight, I will come over and we can talk about this"
>"I don't want you to come over, I have work in the morning"
>alright, fair enough
>movie ends earlier than I expected
>"hey, I'm right by your house, movie is over, is it okay if I stop by? if you want to go to bed already that's fine"
>"no, I'm going out"
>I thought you had work tomorrow
>"I'm not going out to get trashed, I just finished finals and don't want to sit at home"
>we can just figure this out tomorrow then
>"I don't want to have to leave the bar"
>I know, so I won't go over there. Have fun, I'll see you when I see you.

Am I wrong for wanting to just tell that goddamn bitch to fuck off and go on my way?
>>
>>16578180
what shit?
>>
>>16578215
thought i scrolled down all the way, will read above post now...
>>
>>16578217

above post is just one example. I don't get it.

if this were the start of our relationship I would understand it more. of course you want to go out with friends and stuff, because that's what I did, and she seemed upset by that sometimes

but a year into it, and learning to live with this other person in my life, and incorporate them in so many ways, you would think that certain things should begin to take priority. but I feel like she's gone backwards in that regard, which is where my current frustration lies
>>
>>16578213
wow

you're a little bitch
you should have told her to fuck off from the get go m8

>lel babe lets see starwars
>>no thank go with ur frends :^)
>cant wait 2 see stursurs
>>OMG UR SUCH A DOOSH
>get over yourself

ps she cheated on you that night
>>
>>16578213

one of those relationship has failed but could be repaired situations. consider the first couple years the honeymoon phase from now on if you haven't been already. there's really only two things you can do. break up with her, or sit down and talk and both agree to be open and honest about every single fucking thing from now on. otherwise one of you won't bother saying something or won't feel comfortable and it just builds and builds until you're in the situation you're in now. relationships are a lot of work in maintaining the always open and comfortable bond. i've never been fortunate enough to be in one that doesn't reach the point you're at, even if it's because outside shit stresses someone or both out to the point where it invades interactions.
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>>16578213
Jesus
Is this like recent worst case scenario or is this the norm?
What do you two do together that makes it worth keeping?
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>>16578254

this is excellent advice. I think there is also a lot of outside stress that's hurting our relationship. school is really busy for the both of us, as are our jobs, and to top it off, her mom just got out of a week stay in the hospital for alcohol abuse. she's got a lot more stress than me which is one reason why I feel like she is acting out.

>>16578255

I think it's worth keeping because of how she gets along with my family, because she's a sweetheart who (previously) always seemed to think about me first, and because I see strength in her when we work through our problems. but the problems are becoming more and more lately, and shit like this happens, where she gives up and doesn't seem to care any more.

a few months after we got together, I was at work one day and wasn't feeling very good. I had a fever and headache but couldn't go home because we were short staffed. she brought me in some soup and crackers, and it made me feel so good. Every time I think of something bad between us, I think of that moment, and how she showed me that she cared so much even though we had hardly gotten to know each other a couple months previous. that kind of thing really sticks with me and makes me feel like I would really regret losing what I have.
>>
>>16578278
I would say extent an olive branch and put some damn effort into something you two would enjoy.
Tell her this would be good for the both of you and if she seems to not care, flakes, or just ruins it then you'll have your answer.
If you give her a chance to show she still cares then she might just pull through.

We all have ruts in our lives and they can unintentionally effect those we care about. On the receiving end it seems like the whole relationship has amounted to nothing. and waiting it out care be hard af.
Test the waters.
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>>16578304

my "testing the waters" was this whole movie thing. in a year that we've been together, we haven't gone and seen a movie together. our schedules both suck balls and keep us really busy. usually when we are together we either spend our time going out dancing, or at home watching movies on Netflix. but actually going to the movie, not once.

she has brought it up before, that we've never gone to a movie together. so, I figured with Star Wars premeiring on the day that we are both conveniently done with finals, that I would ask her if she wants to go tonight (Thursday night). she has an evening class, and had a final tonight, and said she didn't want to do thursday because of the final, and didn't want to make us late for a movie. when I said "what about friday? saturday? maybe next week after you get off work?" I got no response from her. mostly just diversion and "I'm so focused on finals I can't even think about next week"

that's when she said just to go opening night with my friends, so that's what I did. i bought a ticket. and went to go see it. and then this whole thing started.
>>
>>16578330
k so you did give the option of "just the two of us" for the movie. cuz going with a group can be a turn off for some.
This is a shit position to be in. If you're tired to tip toeing around you could always have the "we need to talk"
Tho you would if thats even an option.
have friends or co-works given any suggestions.
>>
>>16578278
>>16578278
it sounds like a situation worth trying to resolve on the surface, but just remember almost everyone our age isn't ready for a relationship. it takes a lot of commitment and what ends up being self-sacrifice between the moments you forget to say "you know, i didnt feel comfortable saying XXXXX but i should have. and because i didn't, we got upset with each other (or the moments she forgets to say that... or the moments where either of you remind the other - like with star wars, you would be saying: you were upset about this or that and didn't say something to me and that's why we didn't have a good conversation. a conversation that we both felt hurt about afterwords. we didn't trust each other enough to think they were coming from the most pure intentioned place and we need to if we want our relationship to work and we need to trust each other just as much).

you have to do that shit as soon as it comes up, every time it comes up. is the girl someone who's going to commit to resolving issues or is she going to bail (even if it's out of immaturity and not a lack of concern for you but just thinking putting herself first means walking away from something thats not working in the moment, which would ultimately hurt her even more without you - something she'd only realize after breaking your heart)
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>>16578355

everyone's gone for christmas vacations and stuff. I'm literally home alone right now, all my roommates are out of town, and I was going to talk to one of my friends who went to the movie with me tonight but he was in kind of a hurry to get home it seemed.

I've already given her the "we need to talk" and she keeps playing dumb with me for some reason. either she lied to me and is actually shitfaced, or is just being stupid.

>are you home yet?
>"no, I told you I was going out"
>I know that, I was asking if you had returned home yet

>text me when you get home. we need to talk. I don't understand why I can't come over to talk to you because you don't have time, but you have time to go out
>unless time isn't the real issue here
>"you can come over but I'm not home. I carpooled with XXXXXXXXX (roommate) so idk when I'm gonna be back"
>why would I just go over to your house if you're not there? I told you we need to talk. just let me know when you're home
>"fine"

Like what the actual fuck kind of responses are those? it's literally freezing outside, what am I gonna do go over to her house and just wait outside? why would she say something so blatantly stupid?
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>>16578370

>you have to do that shit as soon as it comes up, every time it comes up.

oh, man, have I been working on that with her

she used to hold onto shit for so long, and then when we had a fight it went 30 different directions because of all the shit she had pent up. I put a stop to that as soon as it happened, and she has been doing a lot better at talking to me as soon as issues come up.

but lately she has really been getting on my nerves and I don't know how to handle it any more.
>>
>>16578379
she's passive-aggressively expressing her anger but not at the direct source because she doesn't feel comfortable. what the fuck kind of responses are those you say? i agree man. but they are what they are
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>>16578387
you need to get hurt to understand how intensely it makes you feel, without necessarily saying you don't know how to handle it anymore. that's your call, though with almost anyone i'm sure being that blunt would be terrible
>>
>>16578370
solid advice for long term relations.

>>16578379
she's playing evade and that sucks.
well you could get back to her about the talk or just show up when you know shes home.
But it's an issue your going to have to force.
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>>16578397
her to understand*... not hurt
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>>16578401

thank you for clarifying that. I was shaking my head trying to understand what you were saying

>>16578400

she's going to text me when she gets home and I'm going to call her. she just got a new position at work and honestly needs sleep, so I won't go over there, but she's not going to bed without talking to me first.

I feel like I'm going to snap and just call her a cunt
>>
>>16578254
holy shit, real advice?
>>
>>16578413
"but she's not going to bed without talking to me first."
good for you man.

what are you going to do if she is shit faced?
>>
>>16578427

make her fully aware that she's shitfaced, probably try to make her feel a little guilty for it, and move the talk to tomorrow after work without saying a word to her until then.
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>>16578413
just remember name calling will only make both of you feel worse. that's the only outcome, and the reason why i can refrain from saying anything negative in my situation.

you either need to turn this relationship on it's head from dysfunctional to functional, or it's not gonna work out. i've never seen a girl that responds the way she has to you that was cut out for a real relationship but i'm not saying that she isn't. just imagine the way i read her text messages to you. thats how you should read them and would if it wasn't nearly fucking impossible to see things from an accurate perspective in relationships
>>
>>16578441
Thank fucking god.

too many time have i see a friend push a deep relationship issue when the other person was drunk.
>>
>>16578441
don't try to make her feel guilty, never make someone you're in a relationship with feel guilty. if they aren't, is making them really going to help them mature to the point where they start feeling guilty themselves when they should? of course it isn't. explaining the truth and letting the other realize how they should feel is the only way to go about seeing someone end up guilty in a positive manner... not trying to bash you man and i agree with what other things you said.

and just don't do it in a throw it in her face attitude she's shitfaced. rather the sincere and open/honest, it would be better if we waited to talk until tomorrow... way
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>>16578449

mostly I'll just try to make her feel guilty and not talk to her

which if anything will give me more time to think about what the fuck needs to happen here. if I had gone over to her house right after the movie like I had asked if I could, I probably wouldn't be feeling this negative. but everything that's happened since then has just got me all fired up and not feeling that great about our future together.

>says at 7:30 that she won't have time to talk after the movie because I'll be out at 10 and she has work tomorrow
>movie out at 9:30
>ask to come over
>no I'm gonna go out for 3 hours

>work tomorrow
>no time for me

which is why I said "unless time isn't the real issue here"
>>
>>16578461

I gotcha. that sounds much nicer.

like I said I'm just getting so goddamn fired up. I've been waiting up for hours now and so many thoughts are running around
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>>16578474
anything else u want to vent about, since it seem u got this shit mostly down.
>>
>>16578479

>u got this shit mostly down

not even close. I feel like such a fucking mess, and can't tell if I will actually regret leaving her, or if I'm just too much of a retard to actually do it.
>>
>>16578474

i've been there before and i'm sure we all have more or less. if you want, type out what you wish you could say to her out of frustration. either as a means to get it off your chest, and/or so you can read it out loud and realize how shitty you would feel afterwords. doesn't matter if you put it in the thread or not :)
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>>16578494

I can't type it out though, there's just so much to say.
>>
>>16578488
"I feel like such a fucking mess"
you should, this is important to you.

It's a steep ass slope and you won't know until a long time after.

You have your side down and you want to talk it out and seem to be willing to go in both directions.
you have a plan if she doesn't call, u have a plan if she is drunk and you have a plan if she does.
U have your side sorted, the emotional strain is going to happen.
I know the deep pit feeling.
>>
>>16578502

and not in the way like I have all of this stuff built up like she used to do. it's all about this one situation, I have so many feelings about how mad it made me, how disappointed I am in her, how I feel like she doesn't care to be a part of this any more but won't be honest with me, how she'd rather go out and drink and dance because "omg so much stress from finals" than work out our problems, how she said "oh, no time for talking tonight, work tomorrow" and then is out until 12:30 anyways
>>
>>16578510

>willing to go in both directions

I don't know how to break up with her. I can't go that direction. I feel like it would be so hard. every time I think about that goddamn soup
>>
>>16578488

just remember man, if both people aren't mature enough for the relationship, then it's not going to work out. doesn't matter if it's only one of you. and if she isn't mature enough to take what you say seriously and for you to both start being open and honest about every small and large thing that makes someone upset, then you'd only be torturing yourself by staying with her. there's lessons to be learned in EVERYTHING we do. and here it's either patience or when to move on. you can help someone mature, but you can't change them. if she sincerely wants to be open and honest about everything, which in itself is stressful at first, but has a hard time, then help her out.

if she's not mature enough to do it, then she'll get too stressed when you bring up things. you'll be understanding: if we talk through this, we'll feel better. she'll be thinking: this is so overwhelming and tedious i just want to set it down... being in a relationship is really fucking tedious, but in a good way. we're not used to having relationships (sexual or platonic) where we explain and talk about any and every little thing that bothers, hurts, or upsets us, or simply makes us confused. but THATS what's actually normal. over 99% of relationships (sexual and platonic) and so fucked up and handled immaturely. and those who can't grasp that, are people who are not "only ready to have those types of relations" but in actuality, are people who need to mature and realize dysfunctional relationships are bad for them.
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>>16578528
What would it take for you to break up with her?
That might be something you want to sort out before you talk.
If you already have the decision to the question your asking then you may be pulled along for a ride that you don't want and which will lead back to this point in the next few weeks/months.
What are your standards?
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>>16578517
>>16578546

i typed my response before reading what you said. but see man, she's taking the set it down route tonight. that couldn't be any farther from not okay, and you know that. if she's going to respond to problems like this in the future, then she's clearly not ready for a relationship. like i said, if she's willing to accept your help then you could give it to her. but also, she could say that she wants to be better and this and that but ultimately be the type of person who can't learn something until they come up with the thought themselves. because they trust themselves more than anyone and exclusively in a way. so you could say the same exact sentences she realizes three years later about a relationship but they would have had no meaning coming from you... just one of the possible situations but i figured i should explain it after it came to mind (unfortunately due to personal experience)
>>
welp, she's on the phone with me right now, and is dumping me
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>>16578568
shit, i'm sorry to hear that.
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>>16578568

i'm truly sorry for the pain you are going through and it makes me really sad to think about how you feel. hold onto the fact that she's not ready for a relationship and you couldn't force her to be no matter how much you care about her. it wasn't meant to be, and you deserve someone who cares as much as you. who cares to talk through every problem and have a relationship where you always feel comfortable with the other to share your feelings. and you always receive a comforting response when you do. definitely not an i'm going to go out drinking and put off our problems response. you're better off without her despite all the pain. let this be what gets you through it
>>
You'll get over it.

You don't think you will but you will. No matter what you do, the memories will fade. All those little memories that make your heart feel like it's going to collapse into your asshole, the ineffable shit that you can't even communicate to others because it's so particular to how perfect and special your relationship was, it will fade and vanish. And just before it does, you'll look at it one last time, with just enough distance to realise that those moments and feelings exist in every half-decent relationship, and you don't have to lament their passing because they are just part of life. You will have those ineffable things with the next girl too, and if you work hard, you'll have ones that are a hundred times better, with a girl who is a hundred times better.

This shit can't be communicated because it's too intuitive and everyone just has to go through it for themselves, but if you ever have one of those moments when you're sitting there in despair, absolutely convinced that your only two options are to give up true love and be lonely forever, or to pathetically beg her to take you back, just try to remember that EVERYONE goes through the same thing. I did too, and I begged, and I hate myself for it. Keep your dignity and just wait out the storm. The collective male gender wants you to know that the storm always passes, ten times out of ten.
>>
Even when you have a "one that got away"-tier girl who genuinely was perfect for you, there are girls out there who are just as good, that you would find just as special, and there are even better girls too. Right now that will probably sound disturbing to you, because millions of years of evolution are trying to convince you to get your one true babymaker back and protect it like life itself, but it's true. For any given person there are plenty of people they would be highly compatible with, and relatively many people they'd be extremely compatible with. Don't sweat losing touch with one, if she even was that to begin with. Mine certainly wasn't, though I thought so at the time.

Just ride it out and distract yourself. Never, ever beg her or even talk to her. I fucking guarantee you, man, in a year, in five years, in ten, you will think of the memories of her that currently feel like they weigh a thousand pounds, and you'll regard them with the same amount of emotion you have for some other middling milestone in your life you barely remember. How much did you cry when you put your first pet to sleep, and how do you think of that pet's passing now? Maybe a twinge of remembered pain at most. Same thing.
>>
Been there it sucks. From what you've said take my word she's not worth your time and is way to demanding. She'll learn all that in good time.
After a 2 year relationship that ended pretty rough all I can say is find a way to cope. For me it was getting back into bodybuilding.
You won't be able to help yourself check up on her and it'll suck a lot... for a long time. For me the first day i got through without thinking of her took a month and a half but it just happens without note.
Remember time heals all. No contact speeds up everything. And you will find someone else.
>>
what am i supposed to do with all her stuff

i have her kitchen table in my house, her bike in my garage, and so much other stuff
>>
>>16579375
Tell her to take her shit then fuck off
>>
>>16579375
Anon checking in again, how are you going ?
Thread posts: 51
Thread images: 1


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