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Hey guys i hope you dont mind i wana post my life story. Im trying

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Hey guys i hope you dont mind i wana post my life story. Im trying to wrap my head around this mindfuck i call my life. Feel free to leave criticism, advice, gtfo faggits, whatever. Sorry i would just journal this but im poorfag and dont own a pen or paper. Here goes;
Cureently im 25 male.

My childhood wasnt exceptionally horrible. But it was no walk in the park. My father for the first 18 or 19 years of my life was a bad alcoholic who would beat my mom my sister and me. Not that often. But enough to leave an impact. My mom was worse with the physical abuse up until i was maybe 12 or 13. Then she finally quit hwr bullshit. But not her mind games but thats another story. I was left alone the majority of my childhood. I spent alot of time in the woods by my house. Just sitting by the creek thinking, collecting rocks or something, painting pictures on trees, riding bikes with a few friends. Some of my fondest memories are in those woods. A childhood most kids nowdays dont experience. Sad really. Ive always struggled with mt sexuality but in middle school i got my first bf. This was before all this anti bullying stuff. So i was constantly getting fucked with. By kids at school or my family. I wasnt no pussy either. I was constantly getting into fistfights. At school or with my family. After shit didnt work out with that bf. I met this girl who would stay in my life for a LONG time. I started experimenting with weed and alcohol and dxm and drugs in general in middle school at maybe 11 or 12 years old. I was maybe onw of the only kids in school that did lol. Alot of middle school is a blur to me. I think because i had to put up with alot of abuse from my family, kids at school, even teachers, my mind is protecting me from itself. I had my first near death experience in middle school. I overdosed on fkn robitussin (horrible drug) twice actually once in middle school and once in highschool. Anyway by the time hs started me and this girl were already broken up. I wen
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Op here sry still typing might take awhile to finisg
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Go on....
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I went out with a couple of really great girls in highschool. Even a boy or two. Real unicorns. I was so naive and dumb and rage filled i had no idea what i had. Some of these girls are still married with the person they got with right after me...it hurts when that situation happens like 3 or 4 times. I was still getting bullied in highschool. Still fighting kids. Still fighting my dad. U know its funny these guys wanted to fuck with me for liking guys but i was banging more girls than they were. Other than that hs was ok. I had alot of friends. A few very close friends. I was always either skateboarding or playing music. I had a shitty jam band at the time. I started selling weed. Fast forward toward the end of hs. I passed all classes except math and maybe something else idk. I was a senior taking freshman classes. U know ppl dont rly fuck with you when youre a senior. Plus i had a reputation of being this kinda crazy druggie skater bad ass. So i would always see ppl fucking with these kids in my freshman classes even teachers. I would get so mad and put them in check even the teacher. I felt like such a boss. Eventually i got back with the girl i go on and off with. And we stay together for a good min. Idk why i guess from stress at home i just stopped caring about everything. Started doing more coke. Drinking everyday. The bs at home was in full swing. The yelling. The violence. Kicking me out. Sleeping outside. I fell so far behind in school i started looking for other options. I enrolled in a dual credit program where i took college classes along with hs clases. I milked the fuck out of this. I got to finish hs earlier than everyone in my grade AND i got my basics completed and a scholarship for 2 years in college. I got my basics done which is still more than most ppl have that are my age. My gf moved into my parents house. I was still selling weed. Still fighting my dad. I started selling morphine and adds at college to my college buddies. I had a
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I had a job at Wendy's. I was making good grades. I had my gf. I was selling weed morphine and aderal. I was making around 800 to 1000 a month. Chasing off my chicks beta orbiters. I was doing alot of ecstacy with my college peeps and making a shitload of new friends and connections. Life was good. Very hippie like. Lots of love to go around. These were the golden years of my life. Early college was probably the most fun time of my life. Eventually me and my chicks morhpine habit started getting out of control. I mean i sold to heroin addicts but i knew nothing about opiate addiction at this time. Me and my chick started hitting a rough patch. She started putting me down for bwing with men in my past. (wtf bitch) eventually my morphine connect falls off the face of tge planet. Me and my chick start getting sick. "Wait dont i know a bunch of junkies? Brown is like the same thing rite"? Worst idea ever. Me and my girl start snorting for a good minute and our relationship starts deteriorating fast. I find out shes cheating. I put up with it for a little while. I go off the fkn rails. Start treating her like shit. Fighting with my dad more. Doing all the dope and not sharing. But ya know wtf does she expect. You cant just see me and somwone else. Anyways she leaves cuz she cant stand living at my house or with me which i dont blame her i cant either. I finally finish my basics and declare a major. (psychology) i somehow manage to pass all my classes and get a new job despite being a full blown junkie who upgraded to the needle. I start losing friends very dear to me.. Losses i still struggle with. They dont want to see me like that. My aderal connect falls off. I stop selling weed. Im still fighting with my family.. Im about 18 or 19 at this time. My mom finds a syringe in my room and sends me off to rehab in the next city over. After about a week i check myself out and take the greyhound home. My parents try and control every aspect of my life at 19.
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They want my facebook password. They want to control who i call. They start throwing away my clothes and even try to start dressing me. Literally. As if idk how to put on my pants. My dad realizes how much he fucked up and quit drinking. And i guess they were juat trying to make up for lost time. I say i cant handle this bullshit and leave. I move in with a lady friend of mine and her bf. (both junkies i used to sell to) i get a job working fast food and help to pay rent along with her social security. She takes a liking to me and we wind up cucking her bf and he leaves. Lol. We stay in that apt for almost 2 years in a happy drugged haze. Not really any problems. My parents even started helping out with food and money (nice!) and wanted both of us to go back. Eventually i lose my job and we get evicted and we take up my parents on their offer and live with them. My dad stopped drinking, but he didnt stop being a fucking asshole. Our problem somehow worsens. By this time we are doing reciept scams and selling other stolen goods to feed our habit. I long abandoned college after i went to rehab and moved out. It goes on like this for what seems like forever. Maybe a year or two. I get on suboxone. But i find myself selling that. I quit subs. Me and my girl start going to na groups. And they help a little. I have some problems with aa but whatever. After awhile we get complacent and start screwing up again. And this cycle keeps going and goiing. Eventually the house starts getting chaotic again and everyone is arguing with everyone. My sister attempts suicide. My grandfather dies. My mom divorces my dad My cat dies. My good friend dies all within like 2 months. Shit gets hectic. My girl decides she needs to go to a real rehab and has her dad pick her up. Little did i know she was breaking up with me. The following weeks or months were the hardest of my life. I literally had no one. All my close friends except maybe 1 or 2 had left. My girlfriend left. My homie died.
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My grandpa. I just wanted my mom or my gf to hold me. Just for a little while. Soo bad. But they were both in different cities. And im there with my dad. Who was still trying to beat me up and kick me out and blame me for everything. I would stay out and sleep on the streets cuz i didnt want to go home. I swear there were ghosts there. I sunk even way lower than this i did a few things im ashamed of i wont even mention on here. Life was torture. I got arrested for shoplifting. I tried to killmyself by doing a 4.5 gram shot. It almost worked. I woke up gasping for air a few hrs later. After proceeding like this for awhile i eventually found a job preasure washing parking lots. I worked overtime all the time so i got paid well. Unfourtunately i was working only to feed my habit just so i wouldnt go into work sick. After awhile that the girl who left to rehab wanted to come back after she was done bwing abused by her other bf. I reluctantly agreed. (bad decision) i wind up getting her right back into the dope life and we continue like that for sometime. After dragging our feet for what seems like forever i get so fed up and tired of living like that i register in the methadone clinic. It changed my life. But like with anything thwres strings attached. After my gf sees how well im doing with my job, staying sober. Buying her and me cool shit and nice dinners she gets into the clinic. We both stay there for almost two years and do very well. She eventually gets bored like most girls do and leaves for another guy. But still lives at my house! (ok 2 can play this game) i start banging these girls i knew from highschool to try and make her jealous and it works. Im banging both my exes practically back to back for weeks. But none of it was meaningful. I have never had so much sex in my life yet been so damn stressed at the same time. Both these girls are basket cases. Some stories of me and these girls are worthy of their own thread or book lol. After awhile i say fuckit id
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I said fuck it idc what anyone thinks im dating guys again. This moreso digusts my ex instead of making her jealous but idc. I told some of these guys she was my sister. After kind of shopping around for a bf i realize the gay dating scence isnt rwally my scene. I mean i like guys. But its just easier for me to emotionally connect with a female. Either way for reasons unrelated my ex moves out back with her old bf yet still expects me to take her to the methadone clinic. (lol fuck that) i tell her no ur cut off and she leaves town again to break from methadone. I go on single for awhile jaded as fuck about life and women and men. I dont need them all i need is me im the only one i can count on etc. I find a job at a car wash. Im still on methadone. I discover the red pill. Neomasculinity. Pua. Etc. Say what you want about it its helped me ALOT. i dont agree with all of it btw. I always had enough natual swagger to get by but this just totally amped my game up in every possible social interaction. And funny as soon as i discover this i just stop giving a shit. Its a little shallow the way ppl are why should i have to put on a fkn show. Etc. Whatever. My mom somehow patches shit up with my dad and moves back woth my sister. I eventually get into an argument with my counselor at the clinic. Hes saying i aint doing shit with my life. Im working a dead end job. I need to gwt back in school. Basically i say fuck you you dont know where ive been this is an improvement. Yea its not the best job but im doing better and the best i can. I stop going to the methadone clinic. And ohh boy little did i know what hell u was in for.
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U see heroin withdraw lasts 3 to 6 days. Methadone withdrawel can last anywhere from 15 days to 2 months depending on ur dose and how long you have been on it. I didnt know that. And those fuckers at the clinic didnt tell me. They dont want you to know. Methadone clinics are a huge conspiracy. I tried to tough it out for 2 weeks. After that i was like"wtf this should be over with by now. Qhat is going on?" after a quick google search i find out i have about another month of this shit. I start doing dope again.. I was clean for 9 months idk why i cant ever get tgat year in.. I felt so defeated. So battered. I was doing heroin to come off methadone. And methadone is so powerful, the heroin wasnt working the way it should. I was sick barley an hour after i used. I depleted all the money i saved up from my carwash job. I start vomiting blood on the job and get sent home mpre than once. After about a month and a half i tell my boss i need about a week off i need to go to the hospital. He says i wont have my fulltime job when i get back vut a part time job. Fuck you i say and quit. I go to detox the next day and break off dope for the millionth time.. I get out and my family has all this nice shit set up for me. A "welcome home" sign and everything. A nice chinese food dinmer. (chinese is the fkn shit) i felt so bad because all i want to do is use and i knew i was going to. Using dope to come off methadone fucked me up. It threw me back into the loop after being off for so long. But methadone is more dangerous. It fucks up your liver more than dope. And when you withdraw from methadone ppl have actually dies from dehydration and malnutrition. I felt like my kidneys were gonna explode and they probably were. I felt i didnt have a choice..shit at home has tamed alot.. My dad broke his back and doesnt want to fight anymore. (faggot better not ill kick that shit in) i start using again but at the same time play my guitar and read alot.. I gave up videogames. I keep growi
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I keep growing spiritually and as a person even though i havent exactly slayed this demon.. This is really one of the hardest things ive ever had to do..fast forward a couple weeks to now: I started working part time for my friends parents. Hanging out with good ol friends i havent seen in awhile. Ive been telling most of my exes to fuck off when they try and co tact me. I quit dope using kratom. But it didnt help much. It still sucked... Im only 15 days clean and it isnt easy. I feel like i need some kind of bipolar medication. Ive realized idk how to be sober because ive been self medicationg my symptoms for so long. If i have to be on drugs to be normal i wanna be on the doctors drugs. Thats about it. Thats where im at. Sorry for making this so long and about drugs. Obviously that is not all im about or all my life amounts to. I like to think im a smart guy with lots of experience and wisdom to share. right now, life is alright. Thats all that matters in this moment. Idk anyone who hasnt been through hell and back. Some ppl never make it out. Thats all thanks for lwtting me share and not 404 fooking mods
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Read all of it, shame I really don't have much to say nor any advice to give as I've hardly experienced anything in my life. Just wanted to let you know someone did.
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>>16575545
Hah thanks. U dont have to say anything. I was just kind of venting. And trying to make sense of everything. I saved all of it in my notepad on my phone. After so much happening to you in life without giving much thought you tend to forget alot of it.. It just helps to have some kind of reference. I really need to go buy a journal
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Also read it all bro - amazing story. I saved it :). It takes courage to post something like that.
Yes - you get a bit of perspective and introspection on writing it all down heh..

Your problems aren't perhaps as unique as you think - you aren't all alone in this world :).
I think some big things/similarity to my own life (26 male) were things like:
-being a bit bi-curious, and realising that dudes just kind of want to bang all the time. Only shallowly connect emotionally enough to get to that point :/. In general, for me, girls have always made for better company and emotional support.
-You touched a bit on PUA and that, it's an interesting thing the transition to initiating relationships/intimacy/dating world a lot quicker than before... It's definitely a lot different to HS and college where things tend to develop over a bit of a longer period (the roommate cucking situation is similar).
-It's a bit unfortunate that you kind of fell into depravity, dealing etc/habit-feeding, cause you seem quite entrepreneurial - I think you can get it back in a more productive manner!!. Also, you wouldn't have started dealing if you weren't ;).
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>>16575572
Man, i was in a similar situation.i feel for you. I want you to succeed anon. You have to cut out the people who enable you, concerning the drugs and the bad habits. Move somewhere, anywhere else where you can give yourself some self respect. Even if they love you. You cant hang out with them or you'll slip into your old ways. It will hurt but you can't put yourself or your body through that again.

It took my a year of complete sobriety for my brain to return to normal and i found i didnt need the bipolar drugs or any drugs anymore. That shit really rewires your brain but if you were normal before, theres a chance you can be normal again. Godspeed anon
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>>16575603
cont.
Don't be too hard on your Dad - family is important. Many, many people (and I've discussed this with a lot of my friends who have moved out etc) experience a lot of friction being an adult in the house of your parents - it's only when you leave that they begin to miss you etc. They seem like they genuinely want to support you.

School/education is always a bit of a leg-up in terms of earning potential etc. But if you are happy doing manual labour or a low-skill job and can get by - fuck it! happiness is all that matters. It's your life - if you want to go back to school, that's your decision.

I think you need to focus on getting clean and converting from someone (I'd consider to be) 'very liberal' to a bit more 'conservative' and stable heh. It's nearly killed you after all, and I think a bit of routine in your life and, generally, less drama would be good right now.
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>>16575603
Thanks for your feedback. Hhahh cool u saved it! Do what you like with it hopefully it helps someone. Yea im the same way. In my experience girls are easier for emotional support etc. At least in a relationship. But it seems more often than not its not the case. At least not long term. Ive had that connection with guys too but it hasnt really happened since middle or highschool. Where we both had this stigma and bad reputations or whatevr to overcome. Someone to find solace and comfort in. To keep you safe and to keep safe. In a cruel hostile world. For somereason i havent found that in men in my adult life. Maybe its conditioned out of us.. Maybe its just a kid like thing for a man to want somwthing like that. Like a replacement for a parent. Either way thats just my experice. And yes you are correct about PUA. Lol now that i know how to use it effectively, and know that the random gorl in Wal-Mart wants to bang me just as much as i want to vang her, i just dont really give a fuck. Lol. Like back in the day i could go for it just like i do now but i would have worked just a little harder. but idk something about the availability of sex diminishes its value. I have no problem telling some girl off that i just met. Lol. In my eyes they are just over grown children. And yeaahh. Idk i kinda wish i never started selling drugs. Sometimes i wonder how many souls ive led down the path ive taken. I wonder what ill have to answer to or take ownership for when this life is said and done. Ive just had alot of wounds that never healed. Drugs are like putting a bandaid over a gunshot wound. And just typing all this out helped my wounds a little. Idk. Thanks for the encouragement! I forgot to include im actually starting college in the fall i changed my major to nursing and i will be attending with my sister. Lol its her first year and i can already twll shes gonna make me late and push my buttons!
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>>16575615
Yea man. I really want a better relationship with my dad. Its not nearly as bad as it used to be. Its just kind of, non existant. Sometimes he reaches out to me in certain ways. And we both get all choked up. It hurts ya know? And i really do wish i could move away but i just cant comprehend how i would do that without saving up ridicoulous cash. I mean, i could trainhop. I know a few ppl who ride freight trains. One of my friends met a girl on his travels and said fuck it, posted up there in kentucky and started a family with her. I mean, ive been homeless, but idk how id get by being homeless in a whole different state
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>>16575663
Starting from scratch all over again
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>>16575615>>16575615
Yeah. I know i really need to cut some people off. The fukd part is ive cut all the bad baad junkies and exes out of my life. Except maybe those 2 or 3 ppl that have been there through thick and thin. Theyve literally been my life line at times and i to them.. I know its fucked up and i might be doing myself in by not leaving them but i just cant envision myself abandoning them. They are my other family..... I really do wish i could just move without having to start over from scratch all over again
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>>16575646
Good to hear about nursing :) I wish you all the success in the world.
Sorry - I didn't really compliment you too much haha - definitely been a wild ride for you and that builds character (also for great stories for those who aren't judgemental!)
They would have just gotten the drugs somewhere else.. I wouldn't feel bad and you can't change the past only the future heh. If you're a bit godfearing - I don't think youve done anything particularly malicious - peeps wanted to buy drugs and peeps wanted to bang (they gave their consent and youre not solely accountable)
Not wrong - some girls are just children with sex drives (esp. Girls in the late teens to early 20s). That being said, there are quality ones out there worth settling down with.
Good luck - we're all gonna make it!
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Thanks for sharing your story man. only advice I can think of is: perseverance builds character, and character builds hope
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I had a shitty day.

Im glad I got to read this story.

Best of luck with everything anon, much love.
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>>16575496
Man, i read it all, your story sucked me in. I'm 24 and live a total normie life. That's just my point of perspective but you have three major things that you spend most energy for. Or thats what i understood from your story.
Work/relationships/drugs, battling drugs.
>Work to fulfill all basic needs. >Relationship because social life, love, sex, etc.
>Drugs for feeling good, for battling boredom, escaping reality

Now, what i do for feeling good, battling stress and boredom and kinda escaping the grey reality is sports. You never mentioned sports in your recent years. You could try to add that, and do it that much that it occupies you at times you'd do drugs otherwise. Like boxing/ballet/climbing/cycling/lifting/yoga, whatever thrills you, whatever you really want to put yourself into, 4 evenings a week. You want to reach a goal. I mean a real man has a goal in life doesn't he. That's what you also never mentioned. You seem to just float wherever it takes you. Aim at something biger than you.
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>>16575874
Hah wow u summed me up didnt you. I want to thank everyone for being so understanding. Its not everyday intimate details on ur life arent met with some kind of backlash. Not that i couldnt handle it, its just nice knowing good people are still out there. To answer ur question on sports, i still skate every now and then. It just doesnt hold my interest like it used to. I guess i could hit up one of my old friends to play basketball. I used to play with him all the time. Im also somewhat of an outdoorsman/survivalist. In my younger years i learned alot about tracking and building fires just from spending so much time in the woods. I started learning how to build shelters with sticks and debris and how to make solar stills. Not really something i can do weekly except maybe camping. As for goals... Not really much except going back to school. I mean im always trying to get better at guitar or piano. But even that falls through at times.. And yes lol. Just flowing where life takes me has been a blessing and a curse. Thanks for ur input
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>>16575909
Why don't you go innawoods sometime? Just three or four days alone, taking with you just the most basic shit. No drugs, just getting high on nostalgia and nature. Sorry i don't want to berate you. You're a grown man and take your life into your hands.
This anon here in switzerland hopes only the best for you and wishes you good luck. Machs guet.
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How did you get into hard drugs, /adv/?
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>>16575984
No i know ur not berating lol. U know, that actually sounds like a good idea. It would give me time to get grounded. Sometimes i really miss the simplicity and unforgiving power of nature
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>>16576024
Not sure i understand ur question.
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>>16576024
My story kind of explains it...its kinda typical compared to the way most dope heads start. I was selling/doing morphine for awhile. Seemed harmless at the time. Heroin is only a couple chemicals off. Just seemed like a natural progression after i couldnt find morphine anymore. I realize how ridiculous that sounds but nearly everyone that does heroin starts off doing some type of hard pain killer. Not that it justifies anything
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How do you cope with the withdraws? I've only ever had a tiny 24 hour one after using back to back for a couple days and I just wanted to die... Every time I puked I thought it would be over but it wasn't.. Every time I got comfortable in bed and thought I could sleep it same back seconds later..
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>>16575984
Hey can i ask u a question? What language do they speak in Switzerland? Do most ppl speak english as well? Ive been thinking about traveling lately wirh this girl i knows discounted pass. (shes a flight stewardess) and places like Switzerland, sweden, russia, spain are on my to do list. Well hey i guess thats a goal yea?
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>>16576053
Oh my god. Lol. You dont EVER get used to dealing with withdrawals. Most of the time i waz using i was trying to avoid them. But you never really do. There are ways to make it easier. (xanax, alcohol, weed, kratom, warm baths)But the only things that give full relief fuck you over in the long run. (suboxone, methadone) when your a junkie, time is at a stand still. Your perpetually sick. Ever grateful for that fleeting feeling of normalcy after your shot. Only to get up and grind the hustle again in a couple hours. Wether its stealing, hustling, slanging, or legitimately working, its always a hassle and you will always eventually get sick. All the dope in the city wouldnt be enough to satisfy one person. I was doing this shit for about 7 years. 9 if you count the two years i was strictly on morphine. Its been one hell if a ride
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>>16576073
Ive had longer sober times than where im at now. (16 days now) my longest was 11 months. but this time Im just so tired of living like that. Ive spent my entire adult life addicted to opiates and i know theres so much more to life so much more i havent experienced and even though ive been through alot, i know its just a tiny portion of whats avaliable. I want to travel. I want to get the fuck out of my city. I want to find a decent girl. Theres just so much i want to do and i fear ive already wasted alot of time. I feel so old. I know im still young but the years creep up on ya. "The years go fast but the days go so slow"
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>>16576087
If you wanna break or just avoid sickness for a couple days ur best bet is suboxone. Wether its a pill or the strips cut it into quarters. (25%.) take a quarter a day right before ned so u can sleep. Try to wait till the second day if you can because the 3rd day is the worst and if you waited you can take half. By the end of the 4th day depending on how big ur habit is u are either in the clear and done with withdrawals, or the worst part is over and the next 2 days are managable. Thjs unfourtunately isnt always possible because subs are alot harder to find where i live now days
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Refreshing read dude. Much love to you. My life has been so much easier than yours in pretty much all aspects (parental support, comfortable financially) and I still find ways to be a whiny and awkward cunt most of the time. This is giving me some much needed perspective.
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