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3 years ago I slept with a friend I'd known a long time,

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3 years ago I slept with a friend I'd known a long time, on a whim. I wasn't expecting anything to come of it, but made an ass of myself trying to get more out of it. Our relationship (I mean this in the loosest sense, we had no romantic relationship) was very competitive. At the end of things, I felt like I 'lost, and they 'won'. I don't think either of us ever wanted a romantic relationship, we both treated our friendship like a game, but that was what was thrilling. I lost that game and I can't get past it.

This friend and I no longer talk, but I dream of them, I think I may have unintentionally picked my current partner because they're similar to them. I don't think it's because I actually liked my friend, as a person, but because I see them as an objective I couldn't win.

How do I get past this? I don't have any real desire to talk to them, and I know if I ever ended up dating them it'd be unfulfilling. How do I 'settle' this idea of having lost? How do I stop associating that friend with this concept?

this is why sex before marriage is a bad idea
becuase people this stupid come out of adolescence and have no idea how to function
That doesn't even make sense.

>friendship is a joke
>current relationship is based on the "joke"

Are you a woman because typically only they're this cunty and self-delusional
No. Though I'm willing to admit I probably don't have a healthy understanding of bonds/people. I'm not really concerned about that, though. If you can't come up with a contribution towards how I can get over this issue I'm attempting to acknowledge, you're useless.
You could try growing up.
Obviously I am asking for advice on how to overcome this specific obstacle so that I can.

Posting something so vague as what you did and as an intended slight isn't helping anyone, just showcasing your own immaturity.
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>calls people immature
>views interactions with others as "games" with "losers" and "winners"
Do you have any suggestions as to how I could stop viewing them this way?
Literally by growing up. You interpret relationships in a childish way that doesn't make sense to anyone, including yourself. Accept the fact your 'friend' is gone and move on.
How do you suggest I 'grow up'? I'm 29, obviously something didn't click in. You condescendingly repeating the phrase doesn't do anything but stroke your own ego.

I have already acknowledged my 'friend' is gone. I've also acknowledged that I am only associating my friend with games/a feeling of competitive loss, and not as an actual friend or person.

There's a step between here and getting past it I'm missing, which I'm asking for advice on.

Are you daft or is this just your way of avoiding having to give any actual advice? Why are you even on this board? To power trip?

The other poster is right, how do you "win" or "lose" at a failed relationship?

By growing up, it means stop, and think WHY do you care if you "won".

You'll probably find that you have a very weak ego for some reason, that you need to deal with.

Your low self-confidence is what is driving your feelings of shame at "losing", and it's keeping you immature because you're scared.
>how do you win or lose at a failed relationship

I perceive every relationship (romantic or not) as winning or losing. Usually more on a scale of pros vs cons.

I don't think I have low self confidence by any means but, could you clarify what you mean by 'weak ego'?

I understand what you're saying on a basic level but I'm having trouble applying it to myself. I don't feel scared or weak or any of these things, so it's difficult to agree with you even if I could understand them as concepts that'd apply to a person in general.
Jesus dude. What qualifies as a win? What's a loss? Almost all relationships that end prematurely are "losses" for both sides. You're not playing fucking checkers. You win when you're happy, dawg.
It varies from person to person/situations what qualifies as a win/loss. It's not about the relationship. To me I think relationships really are like a game of checkers. It's about the game of checkers.

I don't find happiness in other people, so I don't think this is applicable to a normal relationship. Even if this sounds childish or 2edgy5me it's the way I derive enjoyment from interaction with other people. Different people different pleasures
viewing relationships as pros v cons is not the problem

its viewing the other end of the relationship as a direct competitor in the process of developing that relationship.

why do you do that? thats dumb.

I imagine really narcissistic dude-bros, manipulative sociopaths, or control freaks entertain this mentality.

i guess if you are that devoid of empathy for your fellow humans, then you are probably also too weak of character to accept a mark in the loss column and move on.

therefore, i guess you'll never be satisfied until you've either placed yourself in a position of superiority to them and can look down on them, or changed this mentality which may or may not be possible for you.

what does tomoko smell like
What a profoundly stupid idea. More experiences would be better, not worse.
there is atleast one chapter about that

not if you're mal-developed like OP is.

engaging in pre-marital sex while at the same time having large gaps in your young adult development is basically pouring gasoline on the grill.

casual sexual encounters without even the pretext of a relationship could be even worse to a person like this.

Can you define what a successful relationship looks like otherwise or how I should go about being more empathetic towards people?
Even if this were my first sexual encounter, pretending I hadn't engaged in multiple relationships before/after it happening, what you're saying still makes no sense.

It doesn't even make sense what you're attempting to troll about.
They don't exactly sound like a friend, not from your perspective anyway.

That's.. really weird to me, personally.
They're my definition of a friend (Or were, we don't speak now). Regardless, this was the easiest way to refer to them in my explanation.
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