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I've never been able to get over the only 'relationship'

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I've never been able to get over the only 'relationship' I ever had, which was with my friend's ex. We were never a couple and I knew that, but we'd been close friends for more than a year, were sleeping with each other, hanging out all the time, and had plans to carry on doing all of those things. Then she met someone she liked better and started sleeping with him. When I told her how hurt I was, she pretty much told me that we'd never been anything more than casual and she'd never had feelings for me. We went back to being the 'just friends' that she said we'd always been, but everything had changed. She'd still message me every now and then (at first every few days, then every few weeks, then every few months) to check up on me, but never came to see me in person. I deliberately made sure we drifted apart and fell out of contact, and she never told me she missed our friendship. Last month, a year after I'd deleted her on everything and two years after she'd ended it with me, she contacted me again for another check up, and I finally ask her not to contact me again. I explain to her that I have positive memories of her and that friendship was very important to me, but this is the only way for me to move forward. Even then, she doesn't admit that she'd ever cared about the relationship, she just says 'I'm glad you got some use out of me and have happy memories'.

Does it make sense that this is the reason why I've found it so hard to move on? I got closure, but I never accepted it because it just didn't make sense. I either wanted her to admit that she did have feelings for me but lost them when she met someone else or that she'd never had feelings for me at all and was just using me to get back at her ex. I feel like it would be easier to move on from either of those, but this insistence that I just 'wasn't ready' for a casual relationship doesn't reflect the way I experienced it all, and makes me feel like there's something she didn't tell me.
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>>16546514

>dating a friends ex
You deserve all of the pain you got from this bitch.
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>>16546531
Yeah I know that was stupid of me. As I say, this is the closest I'd ever come to a relationship, and I never knew what the pain of a breakup was really like. Ironically enough, she actually started sleeping with him again a few months after ending it with me (although it was just temporary, and she's been with a new guy for over a year now), so I guess I got what I deserved there. If I'd have known what it feels like to watch someone you still have feelings for with someone else, particularly one of your friends, I'd have definitely been more cautious (although I don't think he ever knew about me and his ex, we kept it private).

That said, she was more of a friend to me than he ever was. He was just a drinking buddy I happened to live with at university. We had some good times, but it wasn't a particularly deep friendship. She was genuinely interested in me and my interests, wanted to hear how my day had been, wanted me to open up and trust her, and so on. He was a bit of a dickhead - he was rude and aggressive to people, and that led to them thinking I was an asshole too because I was his friend. I know which of the two friendships meant more to me, and it wasn't just because I was sleeping with her.
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>>16546514
i'm not sure where you're confused. she was honest with you? she never had feelings for you and never wanted the relationship to progress past what it was. she obviously enjoyed your company, hence being your friend and having any kind of relationship with you. sounds like you were just an interim for her.

and it sounds like that's not good enough. you want this woman to have had feelings for you at some point. you want her to miss you, too. and i'm sorry to say that just isn't going to happen. relationships rarely work like that. sorry op. after two years, it's time to move on.
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>>16546514
Fucking americans. No honour
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>>16546562

>she really cared about me
>she took an interest in me
>dumped me as soon as someone new came into her life
>it was so real

You're dumb but keep putting her on a pedestal, she played you pretty hard and apparently you still think she is this great person who just didn't have feelings for you. Let me explain something anon someone who is a truly good friend wouldn't abuse your liking of them like she did with you. To her you were just a fun little toy until the new guy came along.
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>>16546565
I just don't see how she could change her intentions so much overnight. When she slept with the other guy she was on holiday with some old friends, and he was a friend of their's I think. On the first day of that holiday she'd texted me saying she missed me and wished I was there with her. We had plans for me to go and visit her at her parent's house. We'd talked every day for the past few weeks, and she was the one who messaged first every time. I'd even go so far as to say she was clingy, but obviously I liked that because talking to her was the favourite part of my day.

Afterwards it changed completely. She explained away all that behaviour as having to 'get to know me better before sleeping with me'. She said I was wrong to have felt something 'real' between us, but her behaviour changed completely too and she didn't have any of this interest towards me now, even though she said we were still friends and that's all we'd ever been. That's why I wanted her to admit that either she did have feelings for me at one point, or she never did and had just been using me. Those are the only explanations that make sense, in my mind.

>>16546570
Not an American, but probably fair to say I don't have a lot of honour.

>>16546586
I fully accept that that's one possibility. If so, I just wanted her to admit it. I wouldn't have been angry or tried to get revenge, I just wanted to understand the situation so that I could leave it in the past where it belongs. It would have made it much easier for me to move on.
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>>16546611
she literally did tell you that she never had feelings for you. and that's not good enough for you. so clearly that is not what you want.

most likely, she was just lonely and spending time with you because you were someone she liked platonically. when she found someone she was romantically interested in, she no longer needed the additional components of your relationship such as sex. this seems really straightforward to me, and it satisfies your second option in terms of explaining it to yourself.

again, the fact that you are still hung up on this after two years is not healthy. i'm sorry. you have an explanation that satisfies your criteria, and yet you still refuse to move on. you need to be honest about what you really want from her, and then accept that getting that is not a possibility. this is your first "break up", so i guess that you're just not familiar with how they go but i'll help you out:

1. one person breaks up with the other person. (sometimes it's mutual but not usually) this leaves one person confused and heartbroken.

2. dumpee attempts to gain closure - whatever that means for them - from the dumper. usually this involves a lot of drunk texting/dialing and emotional manipulation.

3. dumper may or may not concede to this behavior and attempt to help dumpee process the failed relationship by providing additional details about why they wanted to break up. usually these details only reiterate their initial stated reason for breaking up, and do not comfort or provide closure to the dumpee.

4. dumper usually stops responding to dumpee's requests for closure.

5. dumpee has to find an explanation that they can live with, and accept that they will never get the closure they seek because it's not something the dumper can realistically provide for whatever reason.

hopefully after a few times of this, you learn to take breakups better and don't need to harass the person who dumped you as part of the moving on process. 2 years is 2 long tho
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>>16546611
Not trying to be edgy or anything, if you were my friend I would fucking kill you then cut contact.
Lowest of the lowest.

Girls come and go man, but friends? They may last a lifetime, especially for us males.
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>>16546570
LOL nice try yuropoor
>>16546611
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>>16546673
If the only thing that changed was that she didn't want the 'additional component' of sex, then why did everything else about the friendship change too? That's why I find it hard to accept that she never had feelings for me. That may very well be true, but if it is then the only explanation that makes sense to me (given how invested she was in me before, and literally stopped caring at all a few days after) is that she was using me. It would be easier for me to hear that, accept it, and move on.

I don't want or expect anything from her. The last time I actually contacted her was a couple of months after she ended it - since then I've just replied politely but shortly whenever she contacted me because I didn't want there to be a problem between us. I'm just trying to understand why it's been so difficult for me to move past this.

>>16546723
Well like I said, if I knew how it felt I would have acted differently. I also stand by what I said though. He wasn't some lifelong bro, he was just a guy whose company I enjoyed, mainly in the context of watching sports and going out clubbing. My friendship with her was far more meaningful, even if it may have been completely fake.
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>>16546800
You were basically a glorified fuckbuddy that she actually enjoyed spending time with. She didn't like you enough to date you but she liked you platonically. The second someone else comes along that she really likes, you've got to be dropped because doing what she did with you wouldn't fly with the other dude.

So she did care about you as a friend. But she never had any feelings past that. And it was still a dick move to fuck a guy's (ex) girl if you enjoyed spending time with the dude, especially if he never did anything to you. Doesn't matter if he's not the best person. he let you into his house and you accepted.
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>>16546800

>e-e-even if it was f-f-fake it was b-b-better than the g-g-guy's friendship!

I really hope I never have the misfortune of meeting someone like you/who has this viewpoint that you seem to have.
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>>16546877
It wasn't a case of it not flying with the other dude, that thing broke down after a couple of months too. By the time I was actually geographically close to her again, she was single again. Yet our friendship was still pretty much non-existent even though she was pretending nothing had changed, and she certainly never tried to get me back or tell me she missed me or anything else you might expect a single girl to do to an ex-fuck-buddy who pretty obviously still wanted her.

>>16546886

Whatever, if there's one thing I learned from this it's how meaningless most of my friendships with my guy friends are. I like them and don't want to cause them pain (hence why I'd think twice about going after any of their ex's in the future), but losing any of them just wouldn't hurt in the same way as losing her did. I never felt lonely before her, but since she's been out of my life there's just been this big hole where I desperately need some sort of intimate friendship. That's why I said it doesn't matter if it was fake or not - the point was that it felt real to me, and changed the way I felt about all of my other friendships.
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>>16546917

You are literally the definition of the beta male

>worships shitty girl
>she rode my dick so if she wanted me to never talk to any of my friends I would be happy to do it
>none of my friendships even matter because I didn't get pussy out of them like I did with this one

I literally feel bad for you anon, the next time you get laid I'm sure it's going to be the exact same scenario. The fact that you're willing to stab people in the back to get laid is the most worrisome trait you are telling us about.
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>>16546917
>anything else you might expect a single girl to do to an ex-fuck-buddy who pretty obviously still wanted her.

What does this even mean. it's really fucking weird to fuck someone you know still has feelings for you if you don't have feelings for them.
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>>16546927
I'm not sure if you're le epic trolling here, but I'll reply anyway because I have no one to talk to about this in real life and I think it's good for me to get my feelings out every now and then.

Sex or otherwise, the relationship with her was different to my other friendships. We talked pretty much every day for months. She would ask me how my day was, and actually want to hear the answer. She saw through the person I pretended to be, and wanted to get to know the real me with my real interests. She wanted me to open up and trust her with my secrets, so I did. We went for days out together and could spend all that time without it being awkward or forced at all.

Sure it's pathetic to look back on it like that now after the way it all ended, I just object to the idea that I only felt that strongly about her cos we fucked. No doubt that came into it, but there was more to it than that for me at least.

>>16546939
Maybe, I guess it would be awkward to go back to that. But that does mean the whole friendship was awkward too, when she had (seemingly) invested so much into it before?
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>>16546800
>it would be easier for me to hear that, accept it, and move on
>i don't want or expect anything from her
do you see how these two things are not compatible? she's not going to tell you anything she hasn't already told you. you won't get over it because you are clinging to this idea that you need her to validate your relationship before you can move on. not only will she not to do this, but you don't need her to do so in order to move on. you just need to fucking move on.
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>>16546514
The only Indian 10 out there.
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Wow OP, I'm happy to hear about your history, because I have a similar one I posted here some weeks ago. Only thing mine was shorter (2 months), but my first relationship too. In short, I was going out with her, sleeping together, we opened each other and stuff I thought it was usual between gf/bf. After a discussion I confronted her about her real feelings and told me that she didn't see me as someone special and that we were just friends, which hurt me a lot. Then I stopped talking to her for some time but then I contacted her again, hoping to at least have her as a fuckbuddy. However, she wants our 'relationship' to be like two persons which have just met and are not planning anything else just seeing what happens(?). I guess this will end more or less like your case if I don't get another fuckbuddy/gf as soon as possible. I now understand that I should avoid developing any further feelings for her, and it sucks, cause I really enjoyed her company and intimacy.
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>>16546917
now the truth comes out. you're hurt because she didn't reinitiate your relationship after she stopped seeing the guy who was better than you.

>she never tried to get me back
>never told me she missed me
>or anything else you might expect a single girl to do to an ex-fuck buddy who pretty obviously still wanted her
why do you think she would try to get back with you, ESPECIALLY if you made it clear you wanted her when she clearly did not want you? she never "wanted" you in the sense that you seem to think she did. you were a friend she had sex with. you got way too fucking attached, which is clear to strangers on the internet so probably really clear to her, which would only be a red flag that she can't have a casual relationship with you. obviously she cares for you as a friend if she keeps in touch, that much is true. but you obviously wanted something more "invested" as you put earlier, and she clearly didn't. you don't get that and i'm not surprised she has kept her distance from you because there is clearly no way she can phrase this in a way that you will actually understand it.
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>>16546978
Yes the friendship is now awkward because you caught feelings. It would have been absolutely fine if you didn't get feelings for her. She viewed you as a good friend and enjoyed time with you. But now there is nothing she can do. feelings don't magically go away, it'd be like torturing you with what you can't have if you started hanging out again while you're not over her.

It is also weird in general because now you have to watch what you say (like, if you wanted to talk about a date you had, or your ex you still love etc) around someone who likes you,

Someday maybe you can be friends again if you are completely over her. But that is hard
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>>16547004
>you just need to fucking move on

Believe me, I know that. My life has been complete shit for the last two years. It's like being in a nightmare, and the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that this too will pass. If it ever happens, falling in love with someone who loves me too will be the happiest fucking day of my life. I'm just very aware of how badly I failed to move on from this, and I think it has something to do with not getting the closure I wanted.

>>16547018
It's obvious to strangers on the internet because I can be 100% honest here. In real life, we had the one argument where I was drunk and told her that I had feelings for her and was hurt by the way she treated me, and she apologized and explained herself. After that I stopped contacting her, avoided the events I knew she'd be at, and let us drift apart. Yes I wanted her to miss me, but as a friend more than anything. Even if it wasn't romantic, I just wanted to feel like something between us had been real and worth holding on to. Because I never got that feedback, it leaves me thinking that it must have never been real at all, in which case I want her to admit it (even though I don't expect to have any contact with her again) so that I'm not so confused, and actually get the closure I want.

Besides, would you invite 'friends you have sex with' to stay at your parent's house for a few days? Would you talk to them every day for weeks, and text them saying you miss them? I mean, I'm not a complete idiot - I know what a fuck buddy is - I don't think this is just the classic case of one fuck buddy getting attached. The things she did made me think there was more between us.
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>>16547027
If that's true, all I would want is for her to tell me that. Because it's true, until I no longer have feelings for her than I can never be 'just friends' with her and maybe she knows that. And to be fair, she did hint at that by saying we should spend less time together. But the entire friendship disappeared and she just pretended like nothing had changed. If she told me she'd found it too awkward to stay in touch, I would have understood. Hell, I would have agreed with her.
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>>16547106
people are insecure in millions of ways

she did not pursue a relationship with you and is being this way with you now as a result of some fear or unsurity she holds

you can't do much with that fact other than find comfort in it if you can

some people you can't dance with without being stepped on in the process
because they're way too concerned about their footing instead of enjoying what's happening
everybody is at different degrees of understanding themselves and the world,
and you two are just on different incompatible levels

does this make sense to you
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>>16546736
Not even from yourop but nice try burger
1 reddit gold star for you
Thread posts: 26
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